Hi all, a short story in the style of a RD episode. Hope you enjoy please review your comments. Thanks for reading.
Holly fades into view.
"It's been nearly six weeks since anyone sneezed, I am beginning to think I might need to cancel the Kleenex order."
Holly Fades out of view but returns.
"Additional - We found a new life form today, apparently someone left a ham sandwich down the back of the sofa on E-Deck and it had mutated into Chicken one. Or at least that's what Lister said when he tried it."
Holly fades from view.
Lister lay on his bunk flicking through a Zero G football back catalogue, without looking up he said. "Did you know that Jim Bexley Speed once scored within seven seconds of a game, I mean seven seconds that man is a legend."
Rimmer who was sitting at the table colouring his revision chart in an array of brightly organised colours didn't respond.
Lister continued un-phased by the lack of response from his bunk mate. "And did you know that he capped for the Zero Jets 220 times, that's an all time record." Added Lister.
Rimmer still didn't respond, and simply swapped pens.
Lister flicked the page. "Now this is good, there is an advert here for Zero G recruits, if we weren't three million years into deep space I would be right up this adverts flag pole." Said Lister enthusiastically.
Rimmer stopped colouring and looked at Lister. "You playing Zero G football!"
Lister looked over the top of his magazine at Rimmer. "What, I know all the moves."
"Lister, knowing all the moves isn't going to get you into the squad, playing all the moves will, the only move you play is the one with your beer can and the remote control." Said Rimmer mimicking Lister knocking back a can and pressing the remote.
"Hey steady on, I was fit before I joined up. I could of played with a bit of coaching." Said Lister.
"A bit" snorted Rimmer. "You would have needed a whole academy of fitness to get you ready, I remember when we out on our first shift. You asked to stop to sit down no less than 23 times in the space of 20 minutes." Said Rimmer.
Lister not giving up, added. "Well Peterson reckoned that they have special programs that they can put you on to get you fit, anyone can join."
Rimmer snorted. "Lister they don't have a program deep enough to get you fit and what would Peterson know, the closest he came to being fit was the run to the offy to catch it before they closed."
Lister swung his legs over the bunk. "Well I bet I'm fitter than you Rimmer." He declared.
Rimmer snorted again. "Oh really Listy, well lets see shall we."
Lister looked worried. "What you got in mind Rimmer."
Rimmer got up and strolled around the room rubbing his hands together. "A series of tests, designed to test our physical state. We will get Holly to adjudicate."
Lister jumped down, but quickly put his hand to his back as the normal jolt of pain shot up his back. "OK Rimmer you're on, but let's make it interesting."
Rimmer stopped pacing. "How so?" he asked suspiciously.
"If you win, I'll do everything you say for one week." Suggested Lister.
"and if you win?" said Rimmer quickly.
"If I win you have to give me my Zero G tapes back." Said Lister looking pleased at the idea.
Rimmer thought it over, it sounded a more than a fair deal, after all how was Lister to know that he had stored them down near one of the reactors and they were probably all blank by now. "Deal." He said.
Krytenwalked in. "Mr David, Mr Rimmer, anything need cleaning." He asked in his normal chirpy tone.
"Well there might be soon Kryters me old mucker, Lister here is soon to get very sweaty indeedee." Said Rimmer rubbing his hands together.
"Oh really sirs, another curry marathon is it? Do I need to put the nappies on standby Mr Lister sir?" asked Kryten.
"No you smegging don't, actually Rimmer here is going to get his arse kicked by a Zero G athlete in training." Replied Lister scrunching his knees one after the other towards his chest.
"Really, how interesting but if you will excuse me the floor needs cleaning on D Deck." Said Kryten turning to leave.
Rimmer held out his hand and pointed at Kryten. "Err didn't you clean that deck only yesterday?" he asked.
Kryten clicked his head and made an internal note to go into lie mode. "No I believe it was E deck." And with that he left the two silly humans behind.
Rimmer made some excuse and disappeared out of the room.
"Holly I need some help man, look at me I'm a thirty something mess." Said Lister
Holly appeared on the screen. "Alright Dave, well what you need mate is a new body, and last time I looked we were fresh out of those." Said Holly.
"Smeg, smegging smeg, I can't let Rimmer win." Said Lister flopping into the Chair and picking up an already open beer from the night before.
Rimmer walked into the Hologram suite and straight upto the master Hologram computer. "Holly give me access!" commanded Rimmer.
Holly appeared on the monitor. "Sorry Arnold, you do not have clearance to access the Hologram computer." Said Holly.
"Holly, I am the most senior ranking person on this ship, I order you to give me access." Said Rimmer firmly.
Holly guessed Rimmers plan. "Arnold you can't alter your program to be fitter, it's not ethical." Said Holly.
"Holly first rule of Rimmers law, if you can cheat, DO SO!" said Rimmer.
"I thought you said the first rule was; if you can have sex on the first date do so." Said Holly.
Rimmer didn't rise to the remark. "Well that too, just give me access will you Holly."
"Well you can't have the access." Said Holly firmly.
Rimmer glared at the head on the screen.
"OK, you want to play it that way Holly, maybe I'll tell Lister about you and the jail bait calculator." Sneered Rimmer.
Holly looked guilty. "I don't know what you're talking about, and anyway she told me she was a sixteen digit." Said Holy defensively.
"Well unless you want me to pull the emails I have on file, I suggest you give me access." Threatened Rimmer.
Lister was lying face down on the sleeping quarter's floor when the Cat walked in.
"Awwoowww what you doing monkey, is there some milk in my saucer." Said the Cat moving his own head down near Listers.
Lister looked around at the Cat. "No, I'm in training. I'm doing press ups."
"Hey your doing really well, you've got the down part sussed." Said the Cat enthusiastically.
"Cheers man." Said Lister dragging himself up of the floor.
"Have you seen Rimmer?" asked Lister flopping back into a metal chair..
"Goal post head, nope I've been investigating." Replied the Cat spinning on the spot.
"Anything good?" asked Lister.
"Yeah, I found this great little room, it's got a door with a hook on the back and inside there is a seat in front of a mirror." Said the Cat excitedly.
"Cat that's a changing room, it's not a room just a place to get changed." Said Lister realising where the Cat had meant.
"It's a gazing room stupid, I'm going back after lunch, I've got a date with a hot reflection." Said the Cat grinning.
Lister shook his head and went back to reading his Zero G do-it-yourself fitness leaflet.
Lister and Rimmer stood on the large cargo deck. Holly was above them on one of the huge monitors.
"Right, welcome to the Hol Games 3,000243. Are first event is the 200 meter sprint. Would the contestants make ready."
Rimmer went down into a classic running start position, his head arched up and his eyes focused on the red beam 200 meters ahead of them. Lister stood his arms folded as if he might be queuing at the post office.
"3…2…1…AWWOOOGAAA" said Holly.
Rimmer sprang up and sprinted down the track, while Lister set of at a steady pace but far behind the disappearing Rimmer.
Lister finally crossed the line, a little out of breath. "Hey, no fair, you cheated." Said Lister eyeing Rimmer up and down.
Rimmer rocked on his heels not even showing any signs of their dash. "Nope Listy I'm just fitter. Right Holly what's next." Asked Rimmer enthusiastically.
"Hang on a sec Rimmer, I need a minute." Said Lister slumping to the floor.
"What Listy, feeling a little out of shape are we, If you want to forgo the rest of the games we shall say I won and your mine!" said Rimmer grinning.
Lister dragged himself off the floor. "No Rimmer I'm good, what next Hol?"
Holly's image was replace by a graphic showing a bike.
Rimmer rubbed his hands together. "Excellent." He said far too gleefully for Listers liking.
Lister climbed onto the classic peddle bike. "Hol, where the smeg did you dig these up from?" asked Lister as the seat disappeared between his bum cheeks.
"Deck 21, sports and social store. Hollister had me order 200 of these things before we left Earth." Replied Holly.
"Did he say why?" inquired Lister.
"Something about wanting his officers to be quick and efficient around ship. If you ask me it was a load of old twaddle." Said Holly.
"Look when you two have finished your life history of Captain Donguht boy Hollister then maybe we can get on with our little contest." Sniped Rimmer.
"Alright keep your cycling shorts on, 3, 2,1 AWwwooogaaa" said Holly.
Once more Rimmer set off at an alarming pace, while Lister wobbled down the first few meters after him.
"Smeg, Rimmer has to be cheating Hol, isn't there anything you can do?" asked Lister while pumping away at the peddles.
Holly grinned and tapped his nose. "Alright dude, as it's you." He said.
Rimmer meanwhile was enjoying himself, the wind was in his hair and he had to admit this being fit had its merits. He was just about to turn the final bend when something felt strange in his legs. Rimmer glanced down and was shocked to see his nice athletic looking legs had been replaced by short stumpy ones that didn't reach the peddles. Rimmer wobbled to a stop and glared up at Holly.
"Holly, what the smeg is going on?" he screeched.
Holly tried to look innocent. "Don't know Arnold, must be a glitch in the projection program, give me a tick I'll look into it." Said Holly.
"You better had, and make it quick, Lister's gaining on me." Said Rimmer looking at the fast approaching form of Lister.
Rimmer decided he had to keep going but the only way he could make the bike move was to stand off the peddles and move each peddle down until his crouch smacked the bikes central bar. "Oohhh….. Arrhhhh…Smeg…." Said Rimmer as he very slowly moved off.
Lister sailed by Rimmer, noticing he was having a slight leg issue he tipped his cap and peddled on.
Lister crossed the line ahead of a winching Rimmer.
"No fair Lister, my Hologram project system has gone doolally." Protested Rimmer.
Lister held up his hands in defence. "Look Rimmer I don't make the rules and there was nothing in them about ensuring body parts don't change." Said Lister smirking.
Holly re-appeared. "I think I found it, is that any better." He said.
Lister looked at Rimmer who was not perfectly in proportion but about a third of his normal size.
Rimmer glared at Lister. "What, what's so funny?" he asked in a slightly more squeaky voice than normal.
"Oh nothing, you look fine Rimmer, real fine, in fact I would say you're selling your self a little short." smirked Lister.
Rimmer looked him self over and that's when Rimmer noticed. "Smegging smeg, what the hell has happened to me, I'm the size of a ten year old. Holly!" Rimmer shouted.
"What, oh that Arnold is the result of a err flux in your hologram matrix, you see when you put all those athletic crew members skills onto your program it could not cope." Said Holly in his matter of fact tone.
Rimmer glared at Holly. "HOLLY, REMEMBER our little discussion!"
"Oh that, I decided to go public." Said Holly smirking.
"You did what?" snapped Rimmer losing control of the situation.
Lister bent down to look Rimmer in the face. "Rimmer when will you ever learn, you screwed up last time you messed with your hologram and you've screwed up again. Come on Hol this competition is over." Said Lister standing up and walking away.
"But, but what about me and our bet, we still don't know who is fitter?" said Rimmer.
Lister waved a hand. "Null and void Rimmer, Null and void."
Rimmer stood alone on the cargo deck feeling very silly and very small.
Rimmer was returned to his normal stature and walked into Lister and his sleeping quarters. Lister sat on his bunk glued to the vid screen. In his lap sat a bucket of pop corn and in his hand the biggest coke cup Rimmer had ever seen. Rimmer turned his attention to what Lister was watching with such avid affection.
"WHAT!" he screamed.
"How the smeg did you find those?" yelled Rimmer seeing that Lister had clearly discovered his Zero G vid collection hiding place and worse still it was still working.
"What, you mean my Zero G stash?" asked Lister not taking his focus away from the game.
"Yes, your smegging smegford zero smegging Z collection." Snorted Rimmer.
"Oh I've had it for ages, one of the Skutters found it just after you hid it Rimmer. well actually it more of a case I asked Bob to get it and he did." Said Lister idly.
Rimmer chewed his fist and watched as Lister pumped the air as Jim Bexley Speed threw down another winning move for his team.
The End
Q Titles
It's cold out there, there is no kind of atmosphere...