I realised I hadn't posted this fic on FF but only Ao3, oops sorry ;)

Prompt Idea "Today was the first family gathering i've been to since we broke up/you died and my little cousin that absolutely adored you asked where you were and i had to lock myself in the bathroom and sit in the tub for a half an hour and look through a folder on my phone of pictures i took of you to feel okay again" (Torchwood/aliens do exist)

Ianto didn't want to be there. Rhiannon had said it'd be okay and nice to see the whole family again. After all, he had been back in Cardiff for more than half a year now, and he still hadn't seen the whole family. Well he was perfectly fine with that. But his sister wasn't and now he was just standing outside of Cardiff, in the middle of the courtyard of his great-aunt's house, or something like that. He had never really tried to understand all this family stuff, he only knew they were related at some degree.

He wanted to run away, even get back to Torchwood, risking his own life was far better than this. But Jack always told them to hold onto everything that wasn't Torchwood.

Well, at least he did since Gwen was here.

Ianto sighed and put aside every thoughts of Jack. It wasn't the place to think about him. He still was lost, he still didn't know what he was doing, what they were doing, and he was fine with not thinking about it. He emptied his glass of wine and set it on a table before sitting in a corner, half hidden, hoping no one would talk to him.

Unfortunately, he had little cousins that ran everywhere and were having fun, and one eventually noticed him and came to disturb his thoughts. He looked down when he felt a hand on his knee and smiled weakly at... Ifan. Yes, that must be that. Oh God he was so bad at this family thing.

"Why are you alone?"

"I'm just tired, you should go back and play, I'm okay on my own."

"You look sad."

"I'm just a bit bored."

"But why are you alone?"

"I told you, I'm just resting here a bit..."

"No, why isn't she with you? I liked Lisa. She promised to take me to the park one day but mum said she won't come back. Where is she?"

"She... ah..." Ianto tried to think of something to answer, something that would explain easily to a child that Lisa had died and would never come back. Except he couldn't. He couldn't possibly voice that Lisa was gone, for good. He knew she was, he had already cried over it, but he couldn't admit it to a child, to his little cousin. He abruptly stood up and ignored him. He needed to get away from this house, he needed to get back to Cardiff, he needed to... He was going to cry and he needed to be alone.

He almost ran to the bathroom but Rhiannon grabbed his wrist before he could reach the room. He didn't fight back, because he didn't want to hurt his sister, but he closed his eyes.

"And where do you think you're going?"

"To pee, sorry."

"Oh okay, never mind. Don't take too long!"

He tried to smile but failed and left as soon as Rhiannon was gone. He slammed the door behind him and locked it, his hands shaking. He grabbed the sink, maybe a bit too tight, and breathed in slowly to calm himself. He tried to fight back the tears, but failed, then to repress a sob, but failed too. Lisa was dead.

He didn't know why his cousin asking him made it so real, but it was different from Jack. Jack had been there after all. The whole team had been. And he had phoned Rhiannon to tell her so he wouldn't have to look at her in the eyes. But this, this was too much. He couldn't keep going like that.

He stepped back, trying to restrain his urge to break everything in the room and sat down on the cold tub, rubbing his palms against his eyes.

He eventually opened one eye and took his phone, one handed, to look through his rare pictures. There were some he still had to put on the computer, work-related, and one of Toshiko. The others were all of Lisa or Lisa and Ianto, or his sister or just himself, but he didn't care. His sobs didn't calm with the first photo and he stared at it for a long time. But the more he stared at them, the quieter he felt, until he stopped crying. He looked at the most beautiful picture he had of Lisa one more time and smiled weakly.

He then closed everything and opened his messages, hesitating only a second before sending a text.

"Rough day, in for the night?"

"I can take a rough night," the answer came quickly.

"I know"

He didn't answer to the next text, didn't even read it, feeling ashamed. What would Lisa thought? He was still mourning and shagging with Jack was his way of dealing with it, and it wasn't a good way, but sometimes, just sometimes, he felt good. Maybe too emotionally and physically drained to be sad, but still.

"Ianto, you still in there?"

He jumped to his feet and turned the water on to wash his face and tears away.

"I'll be right here. Sorry, I was feeling sick."

"You okay?"

"Sure. Gimme a minute."

"Okay, well, you know where to find me..."

Ianto didn't answer and Rhiannon left. He sighed and braced himself, smiling with a fake smile, putting his mask back on. He knew how to that, how to wear a mask, how to make believe everything was okay. He did it all the time, everyday, with the team.

But it still hurt, and it felt like rats were so slowly eating his stomach, and he felt miserable. But he had to live on.