by crystal tiara
Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yuugi; Yuu Watase does.
Devotion. It's such a strange word.
Let me tell you what devotion is to me. My devotion to Nakago is something that has consumed me for quite a long time. It burns my heart, and yet it gives me a feeling that could only be described as a natural high. It is my passion, my raison d'etre... and also my folly, my downfall. My devotion, my downfall... what an unlikely combination, no?
He is the one I've chosen to remain loyal to all my life- the one person whom I'm ready to give my body and soul to. As long as I live, I will never leave his side. Because... I've fallen in love with him ever since that day. That day... it happened seven years ago and yet the memory is still quite vivid to me. He was my deliverance, my hope. He was the one I wished would take me away from the despicable life I knew.
Right then and there, I knew that I loved him... deeply and passionately.
Perhaps he wasn't as kind or compassionate as I pictured him to be. But my heart ruled over my mind, and I continued to yearn for him. That's how it is with love. Once you know you're in love, there's no turning back. It's like an addiction; you can't get enough of it. To some, it could even be called an obsession.
Wise folks say that people always desire what they cannot obtain. I've never been one to ask for much. What I want, I can probably have. I have my powers, which I can use to my advantage. I admit that I do have the looks and charm. And I'm quite content with those. I don't want any of those worldly desires. I have a sufficient amount of money, and fame is the last thing I would need. It is only Nakago whom I long for- my unreachable knight.
I love him so much, and yet he doesn't ever seem to realize it. He's always been so cold and distant, as if he refuses to let anyone reach into his heart, and pry into his life. He's always closed off his heart and emotions to the rest of the world. And yet, here I am. I'm nothing to him, and yet I approach him with nothing but simple devotion. Perhaps I could even be described as ambitious for ever hoping to reach out to him beneath the icy and apathetic mask that he constantly puts on.
I've been giving him all I can... my body, my healing powers, and of course, my unwavering devotion. And all these I've done just for his satisfaction. All I want is for him to be happy. Whatever it takes, I'll continue giving and giving. I'll continue to love him, and I'll continue to hope... even if it costs me my life. Even if I'm never on the receiving end. Even if it hurts me day by day to deal with the rejection. Even if I know that I'm just being taken advantage of. Even if everything seems to be one big lie.
As long as he's happy, I'm happy too. Even if I have to pay the ultimate price, I'm prepared to face anything. Anything for his happiness, I'll be willing to face. I'll even take on any challenge. But...
But...
How long can I believe in that lie? How long can I stay devoted to him? I'm not the one he wants. I'm not the one he loves. I'm not the one who can please him. I can't give him everything he wishes for. And I can't make my entire life revolve around trying to please him, to make him love me. I want to be happy as well. I want to be respected and to be loved.
He's nothing like the kind man I thought him to be. I don't know that side of him any longer. Still, I believe in him. I believe that within him lies the soul of a lost little boy, desperately in need of someone to save him from his personal demons. I don't know him, and yet I believe in him---and yet I love him. It's ironic, isn't it?
One day, my devotion shall be my downfall.
Author's Notes: I know this fandom is rather old, but I still haven't grown tired of the Nakago x Soi pairing. It's beautifully tragic, as I said before. This short fic was inspired by Natalie Imbruglia's "Torn". I think it'd be best to read this fic with my other recent fic, "Tears", which is a vignette about Nakago. Reviews would be much appreciated, so please keep 'em coming!