Disclaimer: I do not own M*A*S*H or any of the characters involved in the actual television series, I only own Marlowe, Amber and Amy. I do not lay claim to any of these characters nor to I wish to appear as if I do so. Suing me won't do any good, I am a theatre major and therefore am broke. ^_~ PS - Just so you know, I have mildly altered the character of Frank Burns. I took him an extra step further than he was on the series, more sadistic and sick, twisted after Margaret told him to get lost. So, any flames for how I write Frank will be answered as such; ( =P)

All American Joe

The wind blew through the tear in the army green canvas tent, otherwise known as 'The Swamp'. Hawkeye shivered and grumbled at the cold air. "Lousy stinking war! Hey Beej, can I borrow your hot water bottle?"

Captain BJ Hunnicutt laughed at his shivering bunkmate, "No, dear friend! This was given to me by my wife, and come hell or your whining, I shall never surrender!" He did an imitation of Winston Churchill, which woke up Frank Burns in the other bed.

"You smartski pinkos! I can't believe that you are making fun of one of the greatest military men of.." Hawkeye threw his pillow at Burns.

"Frank, either shut up or grow a sense of humor." BJ chuckled

"While doing that also a sense of decency, a sense of taste." Hawkeye continued, ".a sense of loyalty, a sense of smell, a sense of time."

Frank fumed and rolled over in his bed. "Oh be quiet, !" BJ and Hawkeye looked at each over smiled and BJ turned over to sleep.

"Hey Beej?" "Yeah, Hawk?" Hawkeye turned to look at BJ, "My pillow is over by Frank and I am still cold!" BJ sighed

"Good-night Hawkeye!" Hawkeye stood up and grabbed his pillow,

"Well see if I ever help you again!" He said with mock drama and crawled back into bed while still trying to block out the cold.

"Uh, Captain .wake up! Colonel Potter needs to see you in his office, right now. Umm.. Captain." Radar cautiously poked the sleeping doctor.

Hawkeye mumbled in his sleep "Can't you tell your dad we got a flat tire?"

Radar coughed and was about to speak again, when Frank stormed into the Swamp, "What are you doing in an officers tent, Corporal!" he demanded.

Radar straightened up and said, "Colonel Potter wants to see Captains Pierce and Hunnicutt right now."

Frank exploded at Radar, "You little toad, how dare you talk to me without addressing me in the proper military manner! I am your superior!" BJ, who woke up while Frank was yelling, stood up and grabbed him by the arm, as Radar made a hasty exit.

"Frank if you don't shut up, I'll amputate your arms and beat you with then." Frank snapped.

"You're all just sick!" and he left the Swamp.

"There goes a man with his brains in his shoes." Quipped Hawkeye, " Nice one, Beej."

Radar was talking to Sparky on the radio when Hawkeye and BJ entered the Colonel's office.

".Yeah, .ok.. Sure Sparky, .uh huh.1000 bottles of penicillin for us....bye." Radar hung up the phone.

"Hello sir, table for two, if you please." Hawkeye said.

"With as much champagne as you can carry." BJ continued.

Radar smiled, "Go on in guys." The two captains pushed open the two doors of the Colonels office.

"Hello boys! I have a surprise for you both." Colonel Sherman Potter announced happily.

"Lemme guess." said Hawkeye thoughtfully. "BJ and I are spending the rest of the war stateside? ...or Rita Hayworth is one of the new nurses?"

Potter laughed, "Ha! You wish! No but this is just as good. Hey Radar, send the kid in!"

A tall skinny young man entered the office. He had fine almost delicate bones in his face and body. He had short crew-cut blond hair and blue eyes. "Boys, this is Captain Erik Marlowe, our new neurosurgeon!" introduced Potter proudly.

Hawkeye and BJ looked at each other in shock. "Did you here that Hawk? We have a new doctor!" BJ exclaimed with an excited twinkle in his eyes. " A neurosurgeon none the less! Colonel, what did you do offer them 'Hot Lips' for the weekend?"

"I heard that you brute!" Major Margaret Houlihan pushed her way into Colonel Potter's office. The meeting was over.

Father Mulcahy stopped them outside. "Hello, This must be our new recruit! I'm Father Mulcahy, pleased to meet-?"

Erik stuck out his hand. "Captain Erik Marlowe, Army neurosurgeon, pleased to meet you. I will see you on Sunday, Father."

Mulcahy smiled, and shook the new recruit's outstretched hand. "Nice to have at least one man in the congregation. See you later, Captain."

Hawkeye and BJ pushed the Captain into the Swamp, "Welcome to the Ritz, Marlowe! Home sweet, hovel."