i blame MerianMoriarty for this. she mentioned Battlefield as an anthem to the Civil War arc, and this soppy piece of shit popped out. i theeeeeeenk i actually wrote this before Cap Reborn, and just kind of assumed Marvel would bring Steve back XD. sorry, it's really old, so i don't know exactly when i wrote it.
warnings: marvel-616 (slightly AU). slash (TonyxSteve). spoilers for Civil War and its aftermath, Secret Invasion, and Cap Reborn (and maybe others, i forget). language: pg-13 (primetime tv plus s*** and g**damn).
pairing: Tony/Steve.
timeline: possibly just after Civil War (if it actually happened; if it was just a dream, then it takes place just after Steve comes back).
disclaimer: all the characters belong to someone not me.
notes: 1) title comes from "Battlefield," by Jordin Sparks. 2) yeah, i dunno what else. if anybody wants to know my thoughts on something, or wants something explained, leave a comment and i'll stick it in here.
edit: typoooooooo
Battlefield
I never meant to start a war
You know I'd never wanna hurt you
Don't even know what we're fighting for
Why does love always feel like a battlefield?
~Battlefield, by Jordin Sparks
The bars don't bother Steve. The cold steel floor and walls, the uncomfortable bench, the unchanging view of the corridor—those don't bother him, etiher. Prisons have never scared him, and the SHIELD helicarrier may actually be one of the safest places in the world for him to be.
More than that, he believes in the American justice system—he broke a law (a few, actually), however unjust he felt that law was, people were hurt because of it, and he will be found guilty of it in court, so he deserves to be jailed.
The nagging feeling of losing doesn't bother him so very much. He picked the side he thought was right, refused to be swayed by reason or by force. With cutting edge technology and the best minds in the world set against him, he knew it could only be a matter of time, even exploiting all of the advantages Tony has intentionally given him over the years (and no, he isn't proud of having misused those gifts bestowed in absolute trust). Sure, the Anti-Registration faction has some powerful allies, but all of them have their own reasons, their own baggage, that finally just got in the way of everything.
It doesn't matter that Cable could probably level Stark Tower with his mind, because the unfortunate facts of the matter are that Steve was the figurehead of the movement and Cable won't kill when things get down and dirty…and Steve knows very well that when Tony Stark really sets his mind to something, the only way to stop him is to kill him. No, the surrender of Captain America was the death of the Anti-Registration movement, as he had hoped it would be (anything to stop the dizzying spiral of violence).
What bothers Steve is the way the world seems to have turned on Tony. The weeping masses that once looked to him for protection now demonize him for ruining the lives of some of their favorite heroes, especially their beloved Captain America.
It bothers Steve because, at the root of it all, he knows he's the one to blame.
Tony had that look, the day he told Steve about the Registration Act—the look that said he'd gone over all the angles and found the only viable strategy, and he didn't like it but it was the best option. But Steve wasn't the sort who could give up what he believed in just because it meant he'd be on the losing side. (Force people to register themselves and work for the government? How ridiculously fascist was that? It was worse than the damn Nazis! How long would it be before metas and powered would be given tattoos to designate their abilities?)
Steve sees now that Tony's priority has always been damage control, chess moves, strategizing farther into the future than alarmist government officials. If only he had listened.
Being locked up for fighting the law and losing does not bother Steve. The idea that Tony may never speak to him again—that he'll never get the chance to apologize to Tony—that bothers Steve.
Tony has been gracious enough to appear in person, all sharp suit and blank face and brusque demeanor on the other side of the bars, and it surprises Steve.
At the very most, he'd been expecting a phone call from Tony via Extremis while he was a million miles away at some important political meeting for SHIELD.
Not even three feet away, but poised with that unrufflable confidence that makes him seem untouchable.
"I got an email from Pepper," Tony says stiffly. "Said you'd asked very politely to be allowed to talk with me, and that she felt you deserved personal attention instead of a phone call. Make it quick, I'm a busy man."
The chill in his tone and stance makes Steve feel very tired and very alone. "I just wanted to apologize," he begins, trying to sort out what he'll say.
A muscle jumps in Tony's jaw. "For what? For being an ass?"
"Yes," Steve says. "This…mess, this whole…civil war business was all my fault. We should have been together on this. We should have presented a unified front. Let them have their inch but, by God, beat the hell out of them if they try to take a mile. It should have been a matter of civil disobedience, like Jefferson, Franklin, Paine… I started this. I threw the first punch. I was foolish and stubborn, and I made things much worse than they should have been."
He can't tell what Tony's thinking, and it shakes him to the core. He used to be able to read every twitch, every glance, every calculated step. "It's a little late to be figuring this out now, Rogers," Tony points out icily. "You have twenty more seconds before I leave for Munich."
Steve clasps his gloved hands together so tightly that the leather creaks, swallows the lump in his throat. "Well, then…I'm sorry, Tony. For everything. I just need for you, at least, to understand…I did what I thought was right, even knowing I would probably lose. I don't mind if you can't forgive me, but please believe I never meant for any of this to happen." He draws a steadying breath. "I think my twenty seconds are up now." There are a million more things he wants to say, I still love you and I'll miss you at the top of the list, but he doesn't deserve to be able to say those things to Tony.
Tony hesitates for a long time, fingers tapping a nervous rhythm against the leg of his slacks. It seems to Steve that he's trying to come up with a suitably hurtful parting remark. "And that's it?" he prompts.
Slowly, Steve nods.
"You bastard," Tony sighs, sounding more exasperated than angry.
It confuses Steve a little, but he doesn't comment.
"So it's that simple? 'Tony, I'm an idiot and I never listen to you, even though we used to be best friends, you're twice as smart as I'll ever be, and you're the team strategist.' 'Tony, I'm sorry I blew this all out of proportion, split all our friends down the middle, broke up couples and marriages and families.' 'Tony, it's all my fault but I don't care if you don't forgive me.'" Tony punches a bar in a split-second loss of temper, denting it thanks to the strength Extremis has given him. "What about 'Tony, I know we had a good thing going and I said I loved you, but I was lying'? What about 'Tony, I'm sorry I called you a traitor and tried to kill you'?"
"I did say 'sorry for everything,'" Steve points out mildly, and it takes every ounce of military bearing he has to keep from crying at Tony's feet. "And I wasn't lying when I said…those words."
"What words, Steve? For God's sake, will you just say it for once, without it having to be the end of the world?"
But he can't. He shakes his head. "After what I've done, Tony, I don't have the right to say those words to you anymore."
"How dare you take all the blame for this?" Tony rages, punching the bars again. "You're Captain America, Goddammit, this kind of shit isn't supposed to be your fault. You're not supposed to be the one apologizing to me. What the hell do I have to do to earn the right to hear you say 'those words' without there having to be an alien invasion or an army of robots or a megalomaniac trying to conquer the world?"
"Oh, Tony," Steve sighs, and shakes his head. "You're late to leave for Munich, aren't you? I've said what I needed to say. Thank you for listening, and for not making me try to do this over the phone. I…well, goodbye, Tony."
With flashing, angry eyes, Tony turns on his heel and stalks away.
And that's the last he sees of Tony Stark until the day he dies, the bullet in his chest stealing his ability to spit out the words he wants to say (should have said so many times before). Blood is welling up somewhere inside, a strange feeling—he can't even remember the last time he was shot and it actually mattered.
When he wakes up a long time later, in the aftermath of his own 'death' and a Skrull invasion, he doesn't know if Tony really came to see him that time. It might have been a dream, something fanciful that his mind came up with while drifting between life and death, just like all the other things he saw.
Either way, he decides that—come hell or high water—he will mend his relationship with Tony, and he will say I love you more this time.
.End.