Disclaimer: The X-Men, characters, and likenesses are all property of the Marvel Company. This is a work of fan fiction and no profit is intended. Mike Carey rules!
A/N: This a lovingly written parody of Messiah Complex and Endangered Species with some poetic license taken as to characters and plot.
Ch. 1-Opening Gambit
Rachel Grey-Summers was sitting in the lounge of the Xavier Institute reading a trashy novel when she heard a loud knock at the door. She thought it was strange considering the Sentinels had been heavily patrolling the school for months and wouldn't allow any unauthorized individuals into the school. Rachel ran to the door bracing herself for who, or what, was on the other side. She opened it slowly and to her surprise beheld someone strangely familiar. He was black like coal with white hair and glowing red eyes, and attired in a black bondage outfit with matching trench coat.
"Gambit!?" She gasped. "What the hell are you doing here?"
"I was just in the neighborhood," he replied.
"My ass. You were just written out of the comic," Rachel sarcastically remarked.
"So were you," Gambit quipped. "But I get to come back and you don't."
"Don't be cheeky, you creep. My mother is after all the Phoenix!" she shouted as she telekinetically knocked Gambit, or Deathbit, as he was now known, backwards off the doorstep and slammed the door behind her.
Meanwhile, in Sh'iar space, Havok and Polaris were lounging about the space station staring at the multitude of stars outside the window. They hadn't had anything significant to do in several issues and had been bemoaning their exclusion from the current X-Men crossover. This had caused Havok to become unusually philosophical to Polaris' consternation.
"Lorna, " Havok wondered aloud, "What is the meaning of life?"
"That's a stupid question," Polaris replied removing the cucumbers from her eyes. "Don't tell me, you're channeling Beast again."
"No, I just wondered."
He lay in deep thought for a moment. "Lorna...would you marry me again?"
"Lay off the crack, Alex" she said as she smacked him.
Polaris replaced the cucumbers on her eyes and went back to sleep. Havok kept staring at the ceiling wondering why this kind of thing never happened to Scott.
Back on earth, Rogue's team was having a major crisis. After being stricken with Strain 88, and then, if that wasn't bad enough, having to absorb 8 billion alien minds from the Hecatomb, Rogue was barely functioning. She hardly knew who she was. Her teammates, the two sane ones at least, were at a loss to help her. The team had come to her childhood home in Caldecott County, Mississippi to regroup and reconsider their strategy. They sat down around the kitchen table and Cannonball, having been the former leader of the New Mutants, decided to take charge.
"Ok, y'all, we have this mutant extinction problem," he began, sounding just like Rogue herself, "An' we're gonna have ta take out all o' those threats b'fore they get us. Now accordin' ta some reports Ah heard, our team is gonna get betrayed from the inside out," he said while looking in the direction of Lady Mastermind and Mystique.
"Kill 'em all!" Rogue yelled before then starting to babble incoherently in some alien language. Everyone stared at her.
Suddenly, the X-Jet landed in the front yard and Cyclops, Emma Frost, Beast, Colossus, and Wolverine appeared.
"Who called in tha calvery?" Rogue remarked in a moment of lucidity.
"I did," said Iceman. "We're in the middle of a crisis. You're insane, deadly to the touch, and we're about to be betrayed."
"Oh, yes you are," said Lady Mastermind sounding sinister.
Meanwhile, the computer that Karima Shapandar was using emitted a blue flash and Malice entered her body making her evil. She found this mildly amusing, as it was a computer that had made her an omega sentinel in the first place. Lady Mastermind and the possessed Karima sat on the couch. The rest of Rogue's team braced themselves for the obvious battle with the Marauders. The other X-Men entered and not even Emma could detect there was something malicious in the air. Lady Mastermind, who had cast an illusion to cover up the Marauders, finally revealed the powerful foes.
"Fooled ya, suckers!" she cried.
Mystique started shooting at the collected X-Men, which didn't surprise them considering she had always been evil. The Marauders, and former X-Men, were easily defeating them. Even Wolverine was outnumbered and considering retirement. In the heat of battle, Iceman was de-powered. He desperately wished he hadn't slept with Mystique, who had planted a power-neutralizing substance on him. Rogue, using her last ounce of strength, tried to save her friends with her firepower, but it was in vain. Mystique noticed and shot her immediately. As she succumbed to the bullet, Rogue could only think about how much she wanted to smack Gambit for joining Apocalypse. She also really needed to use the bathroom.