A/N:
I didn't think this needed to be said, but now I'm forced to add this to all of my stories:
This work of fiction belongs to me, sociallyawkwardpenguin. The Rizzoli and Isles characters belong to TNT. However this story, and all original characters, belong to me. Absolutely no reposting of this story is permitted (including translations of this story) without my express written permission. If you see this story posted in any other forum besides Archive of our Own or FanFiction, please notify me via private message immediately.
She walks into the room and watches as Jane sits there forlornly, holding a bloody rag that may have been a large gauze bandage at one point against her forehead, just above her right eye. Jane's legs dangle off the side of the hospital bed, and she shifts her weight to accommodate the pain she feels in her ribs. Maura sighs when Jane sees her and seems to shrink into herself, reluctant to meet her gaze. The hospital gown they had given her was far too big for Jane's skinny body, and when Jane seemed to shrink away from Maura's approach, it appeared to get even bigger.
On a normal day, Jane is a terrible patient. Today, she feared, it was going to be much worse. Already Jane had sent the resident physician away, insisting she didn't need stitches. Maura put the bag of clean clothes she had packed for Jane down on the visitor's chair, over the rumpled remains of Jane's suit and walked up to Jane slowly.
"Let me see," Maura said quietly, reaching up to touch the rag.
"It's fine. It doesn't even hurt," Jane mumbled, not looking her in the eye.
"Then why are you trembling so much?" she asks as she takes the rag in her hand and moves it, along with Jane's hand, far enough away for her to look at the gash. She sighs and picks up the suture needle the resident had left behind, promising to come back when Jane could come to her senses.
Jane didn't bother to answer Maura's question. How could she tell her that the situation today was far worse than what they had just gone through together with Dennis Rockmond, and that the hostage in today's situation was not as lucky as Maura had been?
How could she tell her that seeing Dennis try to kill Maura had reawakened feelings she had tried to bury since Charles Hoyt had nearly killed them both? How could she tell her that the injuries she sustained in the scuffle today don't even come close to the pain she felt when she realized today, again, how close she came to losing Maura to Dennis?
Maura places a line of neat sutures across the gash, holding Jane steady every time she flinched. Jane takes a deep breath, trying to steady herself, but it's too much for her ribs and she whimpers.
"Stop it, Jane. Just sit still." Maura finishes the sutures and ties off the end, then picks up a clean bandage and places it over the wound. "There now, that wasn't so difficult, was it?" she asks sweetly, stepping back slightly to look at her handiwork.
"Maura, I can't-" Jane starts, but Maura's finger on her lips silences her.
"Shh…" she whispers, wrapping an arm around Jane and pulling her in. "Jane, Korsak told me what happened. I'm sorry you had to see that."
It wasn't that she hadn't seen someone be killed before. It was part of her job, something she'd nearly grown immune to, except that her nature prevented her from becoming completely numb to it. No, that wasn't the problem and Maura knew it too.
"He just pulled her in front of that train with him. Just grabbed her and jumped in front of the train and I couldn't get there in time. I tried, I fought with him and he got away from me and he just, he just-" Jane's voice catches and she buries her head into Maura's shoulder, the sobs causing her broken ribs to create an agony that matched what she felt emotionally.
Maura leans in to squeeze Jane tighter and Jane lets out a cry that breaks Maura's heart when she hears it and Jane pushes her away.
"Jane, please!" she gasps, trying and failing to keep Jane in her arms.
Jane presses the bloody rag to her eyes and her other hand flutters to her ribs, and Maura finally realizes that part of the pushing away that Jane was doing was related to physical concerns.
"I'm sorry," she mumbles. "I didn't realize your ribs were hurt too."
It sounded lame coming from her mouth and she knew it, but Jane finally looked up at her.
"I can't do this, Maura. I can't look at every victim and be reminded of how close I came to losing you."
"You didn't lose me, Jane. I'm right here."
Instead of the relief she expected to see, instead of the sarcastic deflection she expected to hear, Jane just folds back in on herself and cries harder.
"You're scaring me, Jane. Please, what is it? What is wrong?" Maura begs.
"You're right here Maura, but I still can't have you. I'll never have you," Jane answers forlornly.
Maura reaches a hand out for Jane again, and is relieved when Jane doesn't push her away. "You've always had me, Jane. Always. We are best friends. I'm not going anywhere."
"That's not what I mean, Maura and you know it." Jane's words are bitter, laced with sorrow that Maura can feel in her heart.
"Then tell me what you mean, Jane. I don't understand what has you so upset, and I can't fix it if you don't tell me." Maura's tone, though more authoritative, still has an edge of begging, and it kills Jane to hear it.
Jane chances a glance up at her, and Maura is surprised when she sees the vulnerability written all over Jane's face. "You're right here, Maura. You're here with me every time I end up in this place. You're here with me whenever I need you, but the irony is I need you and I can't have you. You are the only person that has ever made me feel human, the only person that has ever scaled the defenses I put up without even making an effort. You know me. You put up with me. You care about me. You love me, but yet you don't love me the way I need you to. The way I want you to."
"I do love you, Jane. More than you realize," Maura answers automatically. She has always loved Jane.
"You love me like a best friend. You love me like a sister. I need more than that. I want more than that." Jane's shoulders sag at the revelation, suddenly aware that she may have taken their entire relationship and broken it into pieces she couldn't repair. "I have always wanted more than that, but I can't risk not having you at all, Maura."
"Then all you had to do was ask, Jane. Because I don't just love you like a best friend or like a sister. I love you completely, and I promise you that you are not going to lose me. Not to the hands of Dennis Rockmond or Charles Hoyt or into the arms of Byron Slucky or Ian or anyone else."
"I want you to love me like you love Ian, Maura," Jane whispers, her eyes looking anywhere but up at Maura.
"I can't love you like I loved Ian, Jane."
Jane's sob tells her that she was sending the wrong message, so she tries again.
"I can't love you like I loved Ian because what I had with Ian wasn't meant to be. He walked out of my life. He thinks he can come and go as he pleases. He isn't constant, strong, trustworthy, reliable or any of the things that make you who you are, Jane. I can't love you like I loved Ian because the love I have for you is so much more than that. I can imagine my life without Ian in it. I cannot imagine my life without you in it."
She closes the few remaining steps between herself and Jane and gently wraps Jane in her arms. "I love you, and if you want more than a best friend, more than a sister, then you can have that. You can have it all, Jane."
She looks into Jane's tear-filled eyes and sees hope reflected back at her.
"I mean it, Jane. Whatever you want. Tell me what you want," Maura asks, hope and relief replacing her worry about what Jane had wanted.
"I want forever," Jane whispers, and closes the gap between them. Jane kisses her tentatively, her lips just ghosting over Maura's at first, unsure of herself and the reality of the situation.
"Then forever is what you'll get Jane," Maura whispers back before she kisses Jane harder, making sure the kiss spoke the words that Jane had been waiting to hear for so long.