So here is my unplanned drabble sequel to Bittersweet and you probably need to read that to follow this one. When I sat down to write this, this is what came out. I hadn't intended to go canon with the show, but I liked the idea of having a secret romance going on in the background. Going canon means no Merle :( but I love writing him so he'll live on, lol. So I hope you enjoy and reviews and constructive criticism are welcome!
The tears were already filling her eyes and she hadn't even made it to her intended journey yet. With every step she could feel a weight being placed on her shoulders and a vice grip on her heart. She defiantly held her head high. She didn't want to make things awkward for Daryl. He was the one accompanying her. She'd requested his presence and she hoped she wouldn't regret it.
They were walking silently together to the one thing they had in common. Merle. But it wasn't really Merle. It was what was left of him. It was the cross that signified he was dead. It was the ground below their feet that attested to the cold hard fact that he was within reach, but unreachable all the same. Beth wrung her hands together and bit her lip in nervousness. This was the first time she was visiting Merle's grave since Daryl had placed his brother there two weeks ago. She'd quietly grieved for her fallen lover. No one knew their prior relationship besides Daryl and her father. She never even told her sister and she especially wasn't going to after hearing about what he'd done to Glenn in Woodbury.
They were almost there and Beth felt her breathing start to become quicker and shallower. It was all so unreal. To have found Merle in this world and then to so tragically lose him again was eating away at her. It had been about eight months since she'd seen or heard from Merle Dixon when Daryl and his group had showed up at her daddy's farm. Civilization had ceased to exist for nearly two months by that time and yet here were a group of rag-tag survivors pleading for help and shelter on the front porch of their farmhouse. Her daddy had saved Rick's son and the next day she'd nearly fainted when she recognized Daryl Dixon pull up in her driveway on a very familiar bike. He looked just as shocked as she did, but they acted as if they'd never met. They kept the fact that they knew each other hidden from everyone else. Beth had quietly snuck over to his small camp that was away from the others and prodded him with questions about Merle. He'd been reluctant at first to share any information, but she'd nearly begged him for answers. He'd explained he didn't know if his brother was alive or dead. He'd told her the events leading up to Merle being handcuffed by Rick to a roof in Atlanta. Beth couldn't believe her ears and she felt sick with worry. She'd tried asking him about the months before that. She wanted to know why Merle hadn't tried to reach out to her, but Daryl wouldn't answer her. He'd mumbled some very vague answers before she finally gave up. That was all Daryl could offer her and she'd gone back into her room that night and cried.
Beth had cried for the man she feared was dead and for the lost months they'd promised they'd keep in touch. Beth had made him promise to quit the drugs and get better and he'd said he would. That had lasted all of a month before Merle started calling her high or drunk at all hours of the night. Soon after he'd started to call with women's voices carrying into the background. Beth had ignored his calls after that. She'd decided to move on and that if Merle needed her, he knew where to find her. She waited and waited and that phone call or visit never came. She ended up rekindling a romance with her high school boyfriend Jimmy and tried to forget about Merle. She hid her sadness well, but deep down she was hurting. Merle had made promises and he'd broken them. She was used to it from their whirlwind relationship, but he'd seemed so determined to get clean not only for her, but for himself. He'd talked a big game and she'd fed right out of his hand.
The world as they knew it was gone and here was her ex boyfriend's brother showing up on her doorstep. It almost made her laugh with the ridiculousness of it all. After awhile Beth had resigned to the fact that Merle was probably dead. It was near impossible without modern technology to find someone nowadays. People were nomads now. No one stayed in one place for too long. She'd found that out when their farm got overrun. They'd been on the road all winter until they'd secured the prison. It was a new home and a new start.
The day they brought Merle Dixon to the prison was the day Beth received the shock of her life. She'd been tending to Judith, waiting for the others to return safely with her sister and Glenn. She'd been so happy when everyone returned, but they all quickly realized that wasn't the case. Rick had informed everyone that Daryl had found Merle in Woodbury and had decided to stay with his brother. Beth had instantly met her father's eyes and shook her head vigorously. He wordlessly told her to pull it together so as not to alert suspicion and went to speak with Rick. Beth had retreated to her cell immediately to calm the roaring in her ears and the churning in her stomach. Now she'd lost both Dixon brothers. She'd done her silent crying and quickly rubbed her eyes so as not to raise suspicion and went back to her duties. Everyone did. Everyone continued as if a huge part of their group didn't just up and leave. They were like family now and she could tell everyone was hurting, but their fight had to continue.
It was the next day that the two brothers showed up to the prison. Beth had been so preoccupied with making sure her father was okay after the attack by the Governor that she'd barely noticed them making their way into the gates with Rick in tow. It was the first time she'd laid eyes on Merle in nearly a year and a half and she'd felt her knees go weak when she met his ice blue eyes. Thankfully her sister had caught her in time and she'd assured everyone that it was just exhaustion from the day's events. She made no move towards him and instead went back to tending to her father and Judith. She didn't speak to him directly and she kept her distance from him. There were more pressing matters and they were all trying to figure out what to do about Woodbury and the Governor. Merle had made his opinion clear and everyone seemed insistent on ignoring the man. Beth almost felt bad for him…almost.
Merle was being watched like a hawk and for the first few days it was near impossible for Beth to get near him without alerting someone. She could feel his eyes on her throughout the day though. It felt as if he was burning a hole right through her and she felt the push and pull of wanting to be near him and wanting to ignore him. At first she had trouble keeping her eyes off the contraption he had attached to his hand. It was a clever tool for today's world, but it was highly intimidating. Beth could tell Merle was different and she hadn't decided if it was good or bad. She knew they had all changed. Just in the time she'd known everyone they'd all changed somewhat, so of course none of them were like their former selves when the world had been right. He was definitely sober and Beth didn't remember the last time she hadn't seen or spoken to Merle when he wasn't high or drunk. He seemed more calm and rational. Merle on drugs was a hot head and notoriously unpredictable, which soon became predictable to everyone around him. This Merle was the polar opposite and he was throwing Beth for a loop with his calm nature. She didn't know this man and the same went for her. He didn't know her anymore.
She'd remembered his surprised reaction when she'd had to break up the fight between him and Glenn the day Rick, Daryl, and her father went to meet the Governor. They were both being irrational and immature and she'd been the one to fire the gun in the air to stop the barbaric brawl between the two. They had no time for such idiotic things anymore. They couldn't turn on each other. After that Beth had gone outside for air. She felt suffocated and had gone to the back of the buildings. She'd just leaned up against a wall when she'd heard footsteps. She reached for her knife, but quickly withdrew her hand when she saw it was Merle. His eyes landed on hers. So much was said during that moment without a single word being uttered. They stood there awhile just looking at each other and then Beth surprised herself by launching into his large form. His arms easily caught her and she was afraid he would chastise her for acting foolish, but she felt his grip on her tighten and his face bury in her neck. She felt tears in her eyes then and soon sobs tore from her throat. He did nothing but hold her and let her cry into his chest.
After awhile Beth pulled away somewhat embarrassed and looked everywhere but his face in fear that she'd start crying again. She spoke softly and told him she thought he was dead. She heard him sigh and say he nearly was at one point. She asked him to tell her about what happened to him and he did. He talked about being high in Atlanta and Rick handcuffing him. He talked about sawing his own hand off to save himself. He talked about nearly dying from heat stroke, blood loss, and the drug withdrawal when men from Woodbury found him. He explained how they took care of him and made him his arm brace and soon becoming the Governor's right hand man, pardon the pun. She said nothing as he regaled her with his journey. He told her Daryl explained to him what they'd been through and finding Beth on her farm. He couldn't believe the chances and she'd shared his sentiments. They both fell into an awkward silence and Beth wanted so badly to ask him about those months he'd disappeared, but she didn't. Instead she asked him to meet her in the library that night. He looked skeptical and like he was about to decline, but she'd unabashedly begged for his company. He sighed and agreed and they retreated back to their separate worlds inside the cell block.
Beth felt a coil of nerves in her stomach as she walked down to the library that night. She'd put Judith down and everyone else was getting ready to do the same for the night. She'd informed her father she was going to pick out a book and not to wait up for her. It wasn't unusual for her to go down to the library, but she could tell that her father thought something was off. He didn't comment on it though and let her be. She made it to the double doors and pushed the heavy wood open. It was dark and she held up the lantern she'd brought with her to illuminate the space. There was a window in the corner that offered the only light into the room. The moon was full and bright and it made the library look ghostly. She nearly jumped out of her skin when she heard Merle's raspy voice from a dark corner of the room. She grabbed at her racing heart and watched as he came forth from the shadows. He smiled at her and she returned the gesture.
Thinking back on that night Beth could feel the threading of pain and grief start to invade her mind and heart. That was the single best night of her life with the man she'd wanted to be with forever. That night they'd talked. Merle had reluctantly explained why he didn't stay off drugs like he'd promised her. She could tell he was ashamed of his actions. He said he did alright the first couple weeks, but eventually he started up again. The same crowd, the same bar, the same drugs. They all came back as if they'd never left. He said the only time he got the courage to call her was when he was either high or drunk. He said he missed her and she believed him. She wanted to be mad. She wanted to yell at him for wasting their time together, but she couldn't find it in herself to do so. Merle Dixon wasn't perfect. He was going to fall. She couldn't expect on his first time trying to get sober to get it right. He eventually did get his act together, but it just took the end of the world to do it.
He'd held her in his arms under the moonlight and he'd apologized for everything. She didn't think, but just felt in that moment the meaning of his words. She didn't overanalyze. She just felt the pleasure of finally being in his arms. They'd made love that night. It was beyond anything Beth could've imagined. Merle was so different than when she'd known him and yet he was the same. He was attentive and he'd made her blind with pleasure and passion. They'd taken their time and explored one another. It was beautiful and right. She felt her heart swell even more with love and at the end of one of many love making sessions she'd told him just that. She'd said she loved him. Beth didn't expect him to say anything and he didn't. He just hugged her to him and kissed her forehead and that was enough for her. She had the love of her life back and she wouldn't waste time worrying about trivial things. That was how she felt and he knew. She knew he felt the same. Words weren't needed. Their actions spoke volumes.
They'd snuck back into the cell block that morning and promised to meet again when they could. Beth didn't want anyone becoming suspicious. No one would understand their relationship and she didn't have the energy to try and justify how she felt. She'd been elated that whole day. Even with the impending war with the Governor, she'd been content. She knew in her heart they would get through this and they could continue living their lives in peace. Oh, how life could set you up for failure.
When Beth received the news that Merle was dead it was just like they say it is. It's like a bullet to the heart or a knife to the gut. It feels as if someone has a death grip on your lungs so you can't breathe. It feels as if a two ton weight has been placed on your heart and you steadily feel yourself sinking. Daryl had come back from searching for Merle and when he walked into the cell block Beth instantly knew something was wrong. She waited for Merle's large form to burst through the doors, but he never came. Daryl met her eyes for the briefest of seconds, almost apologizing to her for what he was about to say, and then broke the news to everyone. Merle had died trying to save them. He'd gone to kill the Governor. He'd performed a suicide mission. Everyone could tell Daryl was upset, but he'd clearly done his grieving before he'd made it to the prison because his face was void of any emotion. Everyone offered their condolences and they looked genuinely upset, but no tears were shed for the fallen man. No one cried. No one screamed. Beth stood still just taking in everything Daryl was explaining. Soon the conversation turned to what their plan would be now and Beth had to remove herself from the room. She felt her father's gaze as she walked calmly out of the cell block and into the tombs. She had one destination in mind.
The library was just as they had left it. Empty. Cold. As soon as the double doors behind her slammed shut she let the tears pour from her eyes. The room was filled with her sobs as she curled into a corner between one of the many book shelves. She grasped at her chest feeling as if someone was literally squeezing her to death. She couldn't fathom what was happening. She didn't care that anyone could walk in and see her. She didn't care about anything anymore. She just cried. She grieved for the future that could never be. She grieved for what Merle meant to her. She grieved for their love. She knew it had to have been at least two hours since she'd left the cell block and she knew that her father most likely deterred anyone's questions about where she was. He was giving her the space she needed and she was so grateful for that. The tears soon stopped and the heart wrenching sobs turned to sniffles. She hugged her knees to her chest and felt the loneliness creep in. She was alone. She had to grieve in silence. She had to hide it. She had to keep her emotions buried inside of her and that was something she was never very good at. Beth sighed and tried hard to make it seem as if she hadn't cried her body weight in tears. She would go back to the cell block and go back to doing her job. They all had jobs to do and now was not the time to quit. Merle's death would not be in vain. He wouldn't want her wallowing in her tears and pain. She could almost hear his deep voice admonishing her for being weak. Beth stood up and mentally pulled herself together. Merle's death would not be in vain.
They'd made it to the grave and the sun was already starting to set. Daryl remained silent as she stepped to the crooked cross. She wouldn't break down. She wouldn't cry anymore. True it was tragic what had happened. If you thought about it hard enough, she and Merle never got a true chance at happiness. There was always something else going on. It was horribly unfair, but she couldn't hang on to the past. She was thankful they got the time they did. They were so incredibly different, but when you cut down the fabric of who they were as human beings, they weren't that different at all. They'd come from different worlds, but their love was above all the differences.
She placed the lone flower on the cross and smiled at the gesture. Merle cared nothing for flowers she was sure, but it was all she could offer at the moment. She could feel Daryl next to her and then she smelled that familiar scent of tobacco as he lit a cigarette. She turned to him and met his eyes briefly. They were the same color as Merle's, but held an entirely different meaning to her. Daryl was her friend. He was a connection to Merle. He was there from the beginning and so he understood. She smiled at him and he nodded in return.
"I miss him," Beth voiced. Daryl nodded again and puffed from his cigarette, "I miss the ol' son of a bitch too." Beth laughed lightly. It felt good to laugh. She looked down and played with the frayed ends of her shirt. "What'd we do now?" She asked. She didn't specify to him what she meant. It could be about their recent loss or it could be about the threat of Woodbury. She would accept either answer. She just needed something. Daryl shrugged and flicked at the ashes on his cigarette, "Dunno…keep survivin'. We keep livin'. It's what Merle would want, ya know?"
Beth nodded in response. Daryl was right. A breeze picked up around them and she let the sun rays warm her skin. Every great love story had a tragedy and this was hers. The pain was great. It hurt every day, but it was beautiful all the same.