Chapter Title: Raw Instinct
Rating: T-M
Warnings: SPOILERS TO KINGDOM HEARTS 358/2 DAYS (BUT NOTHING MAJOR). Swearing.
Genre: Angst/Drama/Friendship/Romance
Main Pairings: Akuroku
Side Pairings: Zemyx, 1413 (one-sided) and very slight Soriku
Summary: It took me a while to fully understand this- emotions don't come from the heart. They're so much more than that. They're raw instinct. I just wished that Roxas understood this, too. SPOILERS 69 1413 Soriku
Overall Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts, or any parts of this story that are also in the game. I'm not going to repeat this in future chapters.
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This is not set in any specific time in 358/2 Days, and I will not be spoiling the ending of the game. I won't be spoiling anything major about the game, just enough to keep it all connected. I will also be spoiling a little bit of Birth by Sleep, but only bits from the trailers. I definitely will not be spoiling the ending of 358/2 Days. Most likely, I'll follow the game for the first chapter, and then branch off and fabricate my own events and ending.
Please do not comment saying something about the tenses. If you think there's something wrong with my tenses, then you obviously don't get it.
This first chapter is really like a oneshot, because initially, I was just gonna finish this fanfic right here. But then I was convinced to keep going. So I dunno how long this will be. I'm probably looking at 4-5 chapters. Though the chapters are quite short..
RTC = Return To [the] Castle
Augh, this Author's Note is way way too long.
R & R, Enjoy,
V. Plum.
Raw Instinct.
"Axel, I've been… meaning to tell you... I… I really like... Roxas."
"Where's Xion?" Roxas appeared, taking a seat next to me on the edge of the station tower.
"Not here." Thank God.
"Oh… I haven't seen her in a while." Roxas looked down at his lap. I looked out at the sunset, narrowing my eyes.
"I'm sure she's fine." I reassured, taking a bite from my sea-salt ice cream.
"Hm. I hope you're right." Roxas still looked upset. I chuckled hollowly.
"Stop worrying, it's almost like you have a heart." I joked. Roxas didn't say anything.
---
I once had a very interesting conversation with Zexion, back when we were sort of friends. That is to say, before we were both sent to Castle Oblivion on opposite teams, and I was ordered to kill him.
I'd asked him about his opinion on hearts, and he said to me, "Hearts are vessels in one's body that pump blood around the body. They are essential to survival."
"I meant philosophically." I'd said back.
To that, he snapped, "I'm not done talking. The fact that we are alive as nobodies, probably means that we do have hearts. I am not egotistical enough to believe that we are some kind of phenomenon that does not require a heart. Honestly, I think nobodies are just a big joke. We must have hearts. And we must be able to have emotions."
"How so?"
"Emotions do not come from the heart." Zexion said bluntly.
"Then where?"
"Emotions are raw instinct," Zexion explained, snapping his book shut and standing up to leave, "the heart is just an organ."
"And you came up with all this yourself?" I stood to leave as well. Zexion hesitated a little before replying briskly, a light dusting of red on his pale cheeks.
"No. Somebody showed me." He left after that.
I think Zexion was on to something.
I wish I could ask him more about his little theory…but he's sort of dead now.
---
Roxas and I sat on the Station Tower. Xion was absent again. I heard from Saix that she'd fallen asleep again. That girl was completely useless. Honestly, I have no idea how she got into the Organization, or how she can even use that stupid keyblade. And seriously, half the time, she can't even use the keyblade. I have to agree with Saix, she's a dead weight.
"Hey Axel, want to go to the beach today?" Roxas pulled me out of my mind rant.
"Yeah, sure, why?"
Roxas looked away, fiddling with his hands a little.
"Well, when I fell into a coma, Xion put sea shells next to my bed. Now she's asleep, so I want to do the same thing for her."
"Awh, that's sweet, ya little loverboy," I smirked, but I couldn't deny the jealousy,
"Let's go." Roxas smiled genuinely and nodded.
"Cool! You can help me look for one that'll make the sound of waves." Roxas lead the way down the Station Tower.
"Alright."
---
There's a great song that I really relate too. I was walking down a hallway and heard it coming from the Hall of Empty Melodies. I knew it was Demyx. I recognised his voice.
I snuck into the hall to hear him. He sang a song about wanting death. It was strange to hear at first because I always thought Demyx was a really happy kind of guy. But then his song went on to explain that he didn't want himself to die, but for someone else to die. He wanted to person that his crush liked to die, by his hands or not.
It was incredibly morbid, but after hearing it, I found myself tolerating Demyx a lot more than before. I'd never really heard much of his music before, but now that I had, it made him seem so much deeper, and more intelligent. He had to be bipolar or something.
But I had no idea how deep he really was until I had a certain conversation with him just before a mission…
---
A couple of weeks ago, Roxas asked me what love was. Honestly, I was shocked. It was a very innocent question, but I didn't really know how to respond to it. So I said,
"Love is what happens if there's something really special between two people."
And he said, "You mean, like, if they're best friends?"
I paused, taking in a deep breath from the shock. Love between two best friends? I clenched my jaw a little. It… I… that definitely got me thinking. I looked at Roxas, and he stared back at me, still expecting a reply.
"… Well, you can care about your friends, I guess, but that's not what I'm talking about." I replied slowly.
"So then...love is like a step above friends?" Roxas asked. I sighed, this guy was way too innocent, and way too curious. He reminded me so much of Sora, it was sort of disturbing.
"Yes... Well, no. There aren't "steps.""
"I don't get it."
"What does it matter? We'll never know the difference." I muttered, staring out at the twilight sky again.
"If I had a heart, you think I could love somebody?"
"…Once Kingdom Hearts is complete, you'll be able to do all kinds of things." I looked up at the sky, as if Kingdom Hearts was visible from the Station Tower. Yeah… once Kingdom Hearts is complete, then both of us could do… and understand all kind of things, just like our somebodies.
"That's good." Roxas smiled.
---
… I was sitting on one of the couches opposite Demyx, waiting for Xigbar so we could head out on our mission. As usual, Demyx was playing that weird sitar of his. I struck up a conversation to pass the time.
"I heard one of your songs the other day." Demyx looked up at me, a little surprised.
"Yeah, I know. You were really obvious when you snuck into the Hall. That's why I do the recon, and you do the combat." Demyx grinned cheekily, and I narrowed my eyes, laughing sarcastically.
"Oh. It's a good song," I complimented, "It's sort of weird, it has a lot of emotion in it." Demyx narrowed his eyes, as though he was offended or something. I'd meant no offense at all.
"Of course it does," He said a little sharply, "I did put a lot of emotion into it when I was playing it." I snorted a little.
"That's impossible."
"It's not!" Demyx said, his voice was a little whiny, "I really did put my everything into that song, just like every other song I play."
"But you don't have a heart." I quipped with a little bit of a smirk. Then Demyx said something that really shocked me.
"The heart is just an organ! There's no proof that we need it to express feelings. Real emotion is just instinct!"
I was left speechless for a moment. Something Zexion had once said came back to me.
"No. Somebody showed me."
"You… and Ze--"
"Hi Demyx!" Roxas walked over after talking to Saix. Demyx turned his head and grinned.
"Hey! Man, I wonder when our next vacation is…"
---
All Roxas ever talks about anymore is Xion. It's really, really getting on my nerves. Part of me just wants to tell him that she's gone to Castle Oblivion, but I know I can't.
But I swear, if Xion's name comes out of Roxas' mouth one more time, something in my brain is just gonna snap clean in half.
---
"Xion?" I call out, a little confused. I hadn't expected her to come back. Just looking at her face after that fight with Roxas made me want to punch a wall or something, but I just smile as though I'm glad her ugly face is back.
"Oh, Axel," She looks down at the ground a little, with a depressed expression on her face, "I was looking for you. We have to talk."
---
"You know something, Axel, don't you?" Roxas accused. I didn't like where this was heading.
"About what?"
"Xion." My eye twitched a little, and I looked away.
"I don't."
"Don't lie to me, Axel! I'm really worried about her! I haven't seen her in ages, she could be in trouble." That something in my brain snapped at that moment. I got up abruptly.
"I'm not lying to you," I lied, "And I'm sick of this." I dropped my stupid ice cream, and it plummeted from the Station Tower. Roxas looked up at me, confused.
"Axel? What's wrong?" I ignored him and walked away, rushing down the staircase to the ground level. I could hear Roxas following me. I don't know why I didn't just summon a portal. Something in me was raging. It was my raw instinct. My emotions.
"Axel! Wait!"
I ran across the Station Plaza, my mind fumbling to remember where the portal to RTC was. I made it back to the portal and left Twilight Town. As soon as I got back to the Castle, I walked as quickly as I could. To where? I didn't know. All I knew was that Roxas was following me, and that was the last thing I needed.
"AXEL! WAIT! What's wrong?!"
What, indeed, was wrong? How was this choking feeling in my throat possible? The clenching grip on where my heart was supposed to be? The clenching fists at my sides? How was this raw emotion even possible? Had Zexion and Demyx been right? Was all of this just instinct? Was this big Kingdom Hearts completion mission and finally having a heart all one big joke?
I was storming down the hallway, when something grabbed my arm, and yanked me back. Roxas.
"Let. GO!" There was a burst of orange and red.
Roxas screamed, letting go instantly, his hand was suddenly bright red, with bleeding blisters. He bit his lip viciously, tears forming in his eyes.
"Axel, you asshole!" Roxas whined, nursing his hand. It was only then that I realized that I had caused the injury. My fists were engulfed in flames that twisted their way up my arm in a spiral. My blind anger and rage had burned him.
I didn't know what the hell I was doing. I didn't know how to control these emotions. I'd never felt anything like it before.
"Sorry," I mumbled quickly, "Just… just leave me alone." I ran away again, the flames on my arms dissipated.
"AXEL! WHAT THE HELL?! STOP RUNNING AWAY, DAMN IT!"
God, why can't he just give up? I could see his stubborn-ness shine through. It was just like Sora. He was just like Sora. How could I have ever…with someone exactly like Sora?!
"Come on, Axel! Just stop, okay?" Roxas called after me down the hallway, his voice was weak and upset, "Aren't I your best friend? You can talk to me, I'll understand—"
The wave of raw instinct from before came crashing back. I turned and stormed back towards him. The slightly scared look on Roxas' face almost deterred me. But the emotion was like unstoppable adrenaline pumping through my veins.
"No, you won't, Roxas." I spat firmly, the flames on my arms reappeared, making Roxas flinch. Something in Roxas snapped as well. In retrospect, I think it was the fact that it sounded like I didn't trust him.
"Oh yeah?" He sized me up, but it was ridiculous considering the height difference and his bleeding palm, "Try me." I stared down at his injury. This raw emotion in me had injured him. The raw emotion that was still twining itself around my arms. I took in a shaky breath and shook my arms out. The flames disappeared.
"I don't know…" I started slowly, "… But I get it, okay? You don't have to keep talking about it, and reminding me again and again."
"Reminding you of what?!"
"I understand, even when you yourself don't. I can tell, because you're so worried about Xion. It's because you…"love her,"… always talk about her, "I couldn't say it."And I know that if I disappeared, you probably… wouldn't care as much." Roxas' eyes widened.
"That's not true! I— When you went to Castle Oblivion, I was— I got the choking feeling…!" I had no idea what he was talking about.
"Look, all I know is that you really, really care about her. And that you're never truly happy unless she's around. You're never truly happy around me."
"That's not true! I just want the three of us to be—" I cut him off. I had to get all of the things on my mind out right then, because I knew that if I didn't, I'd never get it out.
"And I also know, now, that emotion. Sadness, happiness and love is possible for nobodies. All you need is someone to unlock it. And… and Xion unlocked your raw instinct for you. And… you unlocked mine."
"What are you talking about…?!" I sighed wearily. I knew he wouldn't get it. He didn't understand what Zexion and Demyx had discovered. The raw instinct.
"She unlocked the door to your emotions, Roxas," I explained, the emotions had completely exhausted me now, and now I just wanted it to all end, "thought I really wish I'd been the one to do that. I really, really envy her so much." I looked at Roxas. Behind his eyes, his thoughts were whizzing, but I knew they were all coming up with a blank.
"… What?"
I wanted to bang my head on the wall. I wanted to punch something. Punch him. I'd basically just confessed to this stupid boy, and he just didn't get it.
A weird stinging feeling built up behind my eyes, and the bridge of my nose stung. I tried to blink it away, but it wouldn't stop.
I knew it. I knew it.
Didn't I say that he wouldn't get it? He wouldn't understand. Roxas, you… you…
I heard myself laugh hysterically.
"Nevermind," I shook my head, still smiling, even though that was the last thing I wanted to do, what was wrong with me? I wouldn't be surprised if someone told me I was insane.
"Jeez, Roxas. Sometimes… Sometimes I forget that your somebody is him."
The idiot. The oblivious, dense, just plain stupid Sora.
---
Xion fidgets some more, and my impatience wears my already exhausted nerves even thinner. The memory of confessing to Roxas is fresh on my mind now, and all I want to do is go to sleep. Forever.
"Axel, I've been… meaning to tell you... I… I really like... Roxas." She stutters out. I sigh.
"Great. Why are you telling me." I state monotonously.
"Because I… I was wondering if you knew if, uhm… Do you think Roxas likes me?"
Does he love her? I take in a deep breath. After my ridiculous, humiliating tantrum? Probably.
"Yeah. He does."
"Really?!" Xion smiles brightly, hopefully.
"Yup. He's totally head over heels in love with you. Roxas loves you." I can literally feel something in my chest breaking.
"Oh, thank God!" Xion is grinning now. I grin too, but I don't think mine is as bright as her's.
"Yeah. You two should go out. Because Roxas loves you. Roxas will finally be truly happy."
I must be the biggest motherfucking masochist even in the history of complete dumbasses.
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