Disclaimer: I don't own anything!
Pairing: Main: Riku/Sora Side: Leon/Cloud, Mickey/Minnie, and others...
Warnings: Yaoi (lemon later), swearing, and a bunch of other things...
Rating: M
Chapters: Probably less than five...
Summary: So...according to his now MIA dictionary... He, Riku, was in love with Sora, his best friend. He could live with that. He just hoped Kairi and Cleon would let him.
Review?
No flames!
Loving Words of Sarcasm
Chapter 1: The Dictionary Told Me So
Love.
Riku believed it to be complicated and at times hindering. Take it that it could be a greatest strength and weapon as proven by his best friend but Riku never paid it so much attention. He simply did things because he could, sometimes because he should. He never really had a greater motivator than that. No greater reason.
Maybe friendship and guilt but that's all he chalked it up too.
Until of course his reality was shaken by a mouse king of all people.
"You really love Sora don't you?"
He knew the king meant it as a type of compliment...probably. He was trying to commend Riku for his noble actions and conveniently forgetting to mention that it had been Riku who had fucked it all up in the first place. Riku was grateful if not a little guilty. So he couldn't really blame the king for his shattering of reality and questioning of his own life and existence. Questioning of love—
Love.
Riku tried to analyze the kings statement objectively. So he started with the simple question of: what's love? So Riku, in his infinite wisdom consulted the one thing he knew wouldn't lie to him and just give him a straight answer without having Riku do some bullshit like question himself back and dig for what he felt love was.
He opened his handy dandy-never-before-been-utilized-except-for-being-used-to-stabilize-his-table dictionary! And nearly died choking as the dust which assaulted him the second he opened the damn book strangled his windpipe. Resisting the urge to throw the book into some damn dark hole of nothingness he quickly looked for the word he needed to define. Love...
There seemed to be a few definitions to just that one word.
Definition number one: a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person; beloved person; sweetheart.
Definition number two: a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
Definition number three: sexual passion or desire.
Definition number four: a person toward whom love is felt;
That fourth one made Riku realize why he hated dictionaries. It gave you some stupid definition that included the word you were trying to define. But the other three seemed...plausible. But he had to analyze farther.
Did he feel a passionate affection for Sora that according to the dictionary had to be tender as well? If he did, even Riku had to admit he had an odd way of showing it. So he skipped that one. Number two seemed right... He could admit he felt oddly attached to Sora and couldn't help the fact that his eyes followed the brunette around when they happened to be together. But the attachment didn't seem like a parental type. Hell, sometimes he couldn't wait to get out of his house to avoid having to spend time with his crazies—er, loving parents. Some part of him felt lucky that it was him that gained all the dark powers and left his mother with nothing of the sort...because the woman did not need anything more to amplify her ability of scaring people shitless and giving them the odd feeling of foreboding.
He also didn't think of Sora as his kid...or vice versa. That would be creepy. So he mentally made a note to once again remind Cloud and Leon that Sora was not their adopted love-child. There was a freakish story behind that... Shortly after getting together both Leon and Cloud had adopted the keyblade master as their own simply because his friend happened to look like a mesh of them together (Cloud's spiky hairdo and eye color with Leon's hair color) and an 'obvious' adolescent version of what a child of theirs should look like were they able to have their own spawn. In other words, Sora was the embodiment of their love. Or so they claimed...
Sora had blushed and had been flattered.
Riku had been traumatized and on the verge of a seizure.
So he did the only sane thing and hopped on a gummi ship in the middle of the night with a confused sleep induced Sora thrown across his shoulder. He made record time in arriving back from Radiant Garden onto the islands again.
Now he needed some way to stop Cleon (his way of saving time when referring to the couple whom seemed to be like one huge blob of a person nowadays anyway) from getting into contact with Sora. Overprotective was an understatement when it came to their 'supposed parenting'. Sora's real, sane (God bless this woman!) mother nearly had a heart attack when she was visited by an angry Cleon whom wanted to know why Sora's curfew was at eleven thirty p.m. when it should be around seven...especially on a school night.
Anyways...
The friend one seemed applicable...but it left him feeling slightly empty and wanting more...
'Brother' then—?
He quickly vomited that out of his mental mouth. 'Brother' seemed wrong on so many levels, most of which confused the hell out of him. So if it wasn't all those mentioned above what was it?
He glanced to the third definition.
Sexual passion or desire.
...his hormones screamed, "YAHTZEE! MOTHER FUCKER! YAHTZEE!" He had the odd urge to look up 'sexual', 'passion' and 'desire' and see if they really applied to this situation. Then decided the dictionary would probably describe one with the other and Riku didn't particularly feel like going in circles so he threw the dictionary on the bed and choked on a laugh when he overshot and the book went flying through the window.
He would've looked looked up different ways to say 'sorry' but if he went down there to get the book then it would defeat the purpose. So Riku lay down on his bed and resumed his thinking.
He knew he cared about the brunette.
Otherwise he wouldn't have wasted his time trying to overthrow the Organization and all the other crap he justified with whatever...
He had an attachment...maybe obsession. But attachment sounded less stalker-ish though so he stuck to that.
The thought of having Sora naked, on his bed, and willing to become his virgin sacrifice sent nice tingles of pleasure down his back so desire was definitively there...
So...according to his now MIA dictionary...
He, Riku, was in love with Sora, his best friend.
He could live with that.
Kairi however would probably kill him and feed his remains to the heartless. Even though she and Sora had not worked out, she still loved the boy like a fat kid might love chocolate. In some ways she was more paranoid and overprotective about the boy than Cleon. She had became that older (odd since she was technically younger) sister that would kill, maim and possibly Chinese water torture anyone who meant her little brother harm.
Sora took everything in stride.
Riku was probably developing an ulcer.
He needed advice. Obviously Cleon and Kairi were out and it was a shame. They could've probably helped him...had it not been Sora he was after. Who else could help him? Hmm...
The king...could. He'd helped Riku in the past. But instead of helping him through the darkness this time Riku would have to come up with a nice way to ask the king to help him get into Sora's pants...and heart. He'd say heart first though just in case King Mickey ended up being another Cleon...
He'd have to avoid the kings lackeys too...Donald and Goofy.
What the hell did Sora do to have people smother him like mother hens?
He needed a way to get to Disney Castle however. The only gummi ship available to him was Sora's but he felt that could end up in an awkward conversation...possibly be charged with rape and therefore sentenced to death via Cleon, Kairi, and whoever else thought Sora was a fragile piece of glass.
An ominous thought entered his head then.
He could...
...build a raft.
"Whatever for? We have the gummi ship now silly."
Riku blinked. Hadn't he just gone over the facts of why that would be a bad idea? And why did his inner monologue suddenly sound like Sora?
"...you have an inner monologue...?"
Why yes, he did. His inner monologue was the damn voice of perfect reason. Let's conveniently forget that it also wanted world domination...sometimes it still does. But only because Riku's mirror demanded it. The world needed to bask in the glow of his sexiness.
"Are you alright Riku?"
Riku froze as he realized there was another person in the room with him. He sat up and looked into a pair of brilliant blue sapphire eyes.
"I'm not crazy." Pause. "I knew you were there." A distraction was needed. "Oh look! Something shiny!"
Sora raised an eyebrow and before Riku could blink a heavy tome of some sort was dropped into his lap. He winced and tried to frown. "Be lucky you missed."
"No." corrected Sora as he sat on the bed next to Riku. "Be glad you missed. You almost hit me with this stupid book!" Riku felt something like guilt claw at his insides before he beat it down. His body's natural defenses were sarcasm, redirecting, and blatant denial. Not in that order.
"This isn't mine!" he proclaimed.
"Then how come it says Riku on the spine—"
"What!? I'm not the only Riku on this island—"
"—its also signed, 'sexiest man alive' right under your signature. Add to the fact that it looks like its never been used and there you go. Its yours."
Riku moved on to defense number two: sarcasm. Denial didn't work...
"Well geez Sora. Thanks. What makes you think I threw it out my window!? Maybe it was you trying to pin this on me!? Always the victim Riku is...someday we will find unconditional acceptance and love." he oozed sarcasm...or at least he tried. He came to the conclusion that he indeed did love the brunette, otherwise why would any intellect he have suddenly disappear?
"...you could always put yourself up for adoption and hope for the best. Maybe if you're REALLY lucky a nice pedophile will take you home."
The smile on Sora's face was the only thing that kept Riku from having a conniption fit. So he tried his last defense: redirecting.
"Is there a reason you welcomed yourself into my humble abode or are you just here to hurt me with your sarcasm and uncalled for accusations?"
Huh. All three at once. Nice work Riku.
"King sent us another letter." Sora handed him an already opened official looking letter and then he lay down. Riku looked at the paper in his hands and raised an eyebrow. He quickly scanned the contents without really reading any of it. He managed to get the gist of it however when the words 'Are invited to Disney Castle' caught his eye.
"So..." he started.
"He's expecting us tomorrow. That is, unless you don't want to go." Sora's voice was soft and Riku felt like he was falling into a trap.
"Of course I'll go."
And I'll have you love me and your virginity while I'm at it. Like a fairytale. Only better. And no singing. Happily ever after...
"Great! Leon, Cloud, and Kairi are coming too! This is going to be so much fun!"
"...Cleon and Kairi...?" Riku felt something in him die.
"Yep! I can't wait—"
Riku could. What did the king want with them anyways? This better not be another life changing, time wasting journey. Riku only had one life and he preferred to spend it not getting his ass kicked by stupid heartless the whole time.
Not that he ever had his ass kicked but why tempt fate? Two journeys was enough... the third time was not the charm, the third time could go screw itself.
"...Riku? Why do you keep talking like that?"
Fuck.
Somewhere along the way he had to learn to his keep his inner monologue to himself.
–
"Riku."
"That's my name. Don't wear it out." Pause. "Seriously."
Leon didn't look amused but then again he hardly showed anything on his face other than annoyance when he was around another group of human beings. Riku was human so he didn't expect much from the estranged Radiant Garden leader.
"Riku." Cloud greeted as well.
'Hello the blond half of Cleon!' inner Riku waved.
"Cloud." Riku acknowledged out loud.
"Are we all ready for this!?" Kairi screamed from the front of the gummi ship. Inner Riku screamed, "FUCK NO!" but outwardly he smiled at his other best friend. Since he wanted Sora, Riku thought it best to keep on the girl's good side.
"Let's go!" Sora cheered.
And so Riku made his way to Disney Castle. The tale of the dark hero shall slowly unravel and gift him with his much needed reward for saving the worlds...the second time around.
Cloud and Leon looked to each other as Riku kept talking aloud to someone they could not see.
"I think...he's finally snapped." Leon commented quietly.
Cloud watched the silverette talk to himself for a second before nodding. "You can't wear a bright yellow vest voluntarily and not have something wrong with you."
–
What. The. Fuck.
This became Riku's mantra as the gummi ship loaded off its passengers. He moved to walk near Sora who seemed to be glowing with happiness. Kairi too looked...happy. Leon looked like someone who was watching grass grow while Cloud tried acting like an actual person who wasn't a recluse.
Riku felt betrayed...next time he was reading the stupid fine print.
On the way to Disney Castle Riku had come up with a way to get Sora alone, confess his feelings, and then seduce the brunette. But he needed to clarify his feelings first so he thought a nice chat with the king would be necessary.
This. Kinda screwed up his plans...
"Sora!" before Riku could blink he was face to face with A HUGE BLUE MAN, an animated carpet, a monkey, and a normal looking couple who were dressed like royalty. They looked oddly familiar...
"Genie!" Sora greeted enthusiastically and shook hands with the couple before hugging them. "And Aladdin and Jasmine!" They chuckled at Sora while the monkey did this...little weird dance...
Sora...was a weird magnet. Let's not mention the fact that Riku was probably attracted to him more than anyone else alive...
"How are you?" Aladdin asked even as he held unto Jasmine's hand. Riku didn't answer. Mostly because anything he said right now would probably result in profanities.
"Great! And you guys!? Married yet!?" Sora asked, his naive-ness hitting Riku like a mallet.
The couple seemed to be amused however.
"Yep! Tied the not a few months back after everything settled!" Genie responded. He eyed Kairi before winking at them both. "How bout you champ? How's it going with your lady love?" Genie made a kissy face.
Kairi blushed scarlet and Sora invented a few more shades of red.
However it was inner Riku who voiced his answer to the world.
"LIKE HELL HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND!"
All eyes turned to him, even those whom weren't in the conversation. Well...this sucked. He felt Leon shift beside him and vaguely wondered if he could call upon his powers to swallow him into a glowing mass of dark goo.
"You...look familiar." Jasmine said after a while and eyed him critically.
"I was on the magazine cover of Sexiest Man Alive. It was nice warping your first impression of me. Good bye." and Riku gave a sharp turn and left.
Or he would have had a shiny little orb of light not decided to attack him. After briefly trying to swat it, he realized it was a very, VERY small little girl in an even smaller little green dress. The little fairy type thing got into a boxing stance and tried to take off his nose. She looked familiar too...
"Hey!" a boy dressed in green—WAS HE FLYING!?
Riku gaped.
"It's you!" the gravity defying boy yelled. "You took Wendy captive a while ago! What are you doing here!?"
...and then the world imploded around Riku.
More protests came and he was slowly backed into a corner. He put his hands up in surrender but they all seemed not quite ready to stop their advancement and subsequent murder of his person.
"STOP!"
Riku felt a body throw itself at him and his vision was clouded by brunette spiky locks. He felt Sora's arms lock around him tightly. Some part of him felt the need to throw Sora aside and take the hits instead.
"Riku's my best friend! I know he messed up in the past but it wasn't his fault! He was being used by the darkness! He's as much a victim as any of you here! He even helped saved the worlds the second time around! If it weren't for him then I wouldn't be here either! Please! Just get to know him! Riku's a great guy and an even better friend!"
Apparently Sora's word was holy or something because the angry mob relented. They backed off and Riku looked down to the defiant looking sapphire eyes and held himself back from kissing the hell out of him.
"Frankenstein would have loved a friend like you." Riku said a little dryly.
Sora pouted, "I save you...and you mock me."
"Such is the order of the universe."
"If you're done flirting..." Leon said dryly and Riku blinked when he found himself glared upon. "The king wanted us to meet him in his study when we got here. So hurry up."
If Cleon's glare could kill, Riku would be a pile of silver hair and ashes.
"How do you know he wants us there? And what the hell!? Why the fuck is everyone from everywhere here!?" Riku demanded. Four pairs of eyes looked at him like if he was Ansem...again.
"Didn't you read the letter...?" Kairi spoke up for the first time in a while.
Riku gave her a blank stare.
"Its...a ball." Kairi began.
"Like a basket...ball...?" Riku said slowly and found that it sounded weird...
"No you idiot. Like a dance. The king wants everyone to form bonds or some shit and set up a system to aid the worlds in case some nut job decided to start another heartless invasion." Leon snapped, or the equivalent of snap could Leon actually show emotion.
Stupid fine print. He should just hijack a gummi ship and leave. Now.
"Oh." Riku ignored the underlying insult in Leon's words and instead began to stare at Sora whom was smiling again. This sucked balls...
Hah. Pun. Riku made a funny...
"So shall we?" Cloud asked flatly. The rest of their small group nodded and followed the blond up into the castle. On their way, many more tons and tons of people stopped and greeted Sora. People that Riku had inadvertently pissed off when he was possessed...
How the hell was Riku supposed to initiate his plan like this!?
–
"Friends!" King Mickey greeted.
"Mickey!" Riku actually smiled and returned the hug he had been given. There were several more people in the room, all of humanoid form like Mickey.
There were the lackeys, Donald and Goofy.
A female duck who was standing next to whom Riku supposed was the queen and Mickey's wife. Next to them were two more humanoid dogs like Goofy and three ducks whom Riku saw were triplets. And then there was Pluto who was currently trying to lick Cloud's face. The blond looked ready to shish-kabob the poor pet.
"Introductions are in order!" Mickey announced and turned to Riku, out of politeness, he assumed. He felt the room's eyes on him and felt sarcasm coming to his aid.
"I'm Riku and I've been sober twenty three minutes so far." he told the room dryly. He refused to wince when three jabs hit him from three different sides. To his luck, the queen found it funny and giggled. Mickey shot him an exasperated look and Riku beamed him a smile. "Sarcasm is just one of the many services we offer." he added cheerfully.
"Forgive him." Leon said dryly. "He's schizophrenic...and bi-polar. He also talks to himself. Please ignore him."
Riku glared.
"I'm Sora!" the brunette piped up suddenly. He pulled Kairi forward. "This is Kairi. And don't ignore Riku. He's like a puppy. He'll get lonely and start to cry."
Riku made a motion of being shot in the chest. He staggered and gripped the nearby desk tightly. He looked up into the ceiling and groaned. "Betrayed...betrayed by my best friends! A curse on both your houses!" Riku faked a sob and collapsed in the nearby chair.
Sora giggled as did the females in the room.
"Cute." Cloud said it in a tone that conveyed just how much he didn't think so. "I'm Cloud Strife. That's Squall Leonhart."
Leon's jaw twitched. "It's Leon."
Mickey beamed at them. He took his wife's hand and pulled her towards him. "This is my beloved, Minnie. You know Donald and Goofy but you don't know Daisy." Here he pulled the female duck forward. "Donald's adoring wife. This young man here is Max, Goofy's son. And this beautiful gal next to him is Roxanne, Max's girlfriend. And last but not least are Donald's nephews. Huey, Dewy and Luey. And I'm Mickey Mouse!" Mickey laughed.
Riku stood up then. "So...why is everyone from everywhere conveniently here in your castle? This isn't Get Back At Riku Day is it? I won't walk into the hall or something and see crowds of people trying to beat the shit outta a pinata that has my face on it right?"
"If they do I call first in line." Cloud smirked. Riku took a huge breath and convinced himself that Sora wouldn't take too kindly to him killing half of Cleon.
"Riku..." the king said gently. "I'll speak to them. You'll start with a clean slate. No one will bother you like that. I promise." the queen also agreed to that and inner Riku honored them with a small celebration dance.
"Sora already verbally dropped kicked them when they went out for my blood. But if you wouldn't mind..." he glanced to Sora who blushed bright red.
Mickey nodded and addressed the rest of the room. "The plans for the system I've been trying to initiate will be discussed three days from now. Tomorrow is the ball however. A way for everyone to get used to each other and form bonds. If they don't, I don't think they'll be willing to help each other out like I planned."
Kairi squealed as did Roxanne. Max merely gave a sort of smile.
Riku however...
"I believe it's in the best interest of everyone if I sit out. Mainly mine. Sora too. He's an uncoordinated hazard."
Sora stuck out his tongue.
"Sorry Riku." Mickey didn't look sorry at all. "But you have to go. You're a huge part of the plan along with Sora. You're presence is required."
Bullshit.
"I can't dance." Riku deadpanned.
"Neither can I but I'm being forced too—er, it'll be fun." Max amended with a slight grin. Riku looked at him, then the king, then to Cleon and Kairi, and finally to the love of his life who was looking straight back at him.
"Cruel and unusual punishment." Riku announced. "I don't have a date."
He didn't mean to say that last part.
"There are plenty of lovely ladies you can choose from here! I doubt they'll be able to resist you." Kairi said dryly. Riku spared her a glance before trying once again to bullshit his way out of the situation.
"I think...I have...a contagious...disease." he said slowly.
"It's called stupidity. And he's right. Prolonged exposure to him might endanger everyone else. I heard dancing is a nice treatment though."
Damn the blond half of Cleon! Hell, damn the whole of it!
"Go with me then." Sora said with a smile. "We can—"
"Okay!" Riku quickly interrupted. "Er...I mean..."
"Then it's settled!" Mickey announced. He shot Riku a knowing grin. "Rest up everyone! Big day tomorrow!"
And so Riku felt the ominous beginnings of something dreadful start. The hold he had on life was quickly slipping and slapping him in the face as it left...
Leon turned to face the rest of the room, "See what I meant? Talks to himself..."
One day Riku was going to strangle both halves of Cleon. And he'd do it while smiling. And he'd plead a crime of passion. And just hoped Sora was up to visiting him in jail...
Sora looked around the room, "Whose Cleon?"
Leon sighed and motioned everyone out the door. "Sora."
"Yes Leon?"
"Make new friends."