Nights were worse. During days she could distract herself, she could train, talk to her friends or just find some way to make herself so busy she didn't notice the loneliness that had crept into her heart. But during the night?
Alina lay in The Darkling's bed -because no matter how long she'd been sleeping in it. It was his. Staring up at the ceiling wishing she could see the stars. Tolya was on guard tonight, covering for Mal once again. She missed him, when he was around she didn't feel as lonely, or she was at least capable of tricking herself into thinking she wasn't. It was funny that, how she could be surrounded by people and still feel as if she was alone.
Alina laughed at the thought. The Darkling told her as much, hadn't he? That she'd never be like anyone else. That they were the only two people in the world who understood each other, that would ever understand one another?
A deep chuckle sounded at the edge of her bed causing her to shoot up, ready to call for a cut should she need to. The Darkling stood at the foot of her bed a casual smirk on his face as if he could read her thoughts. She didn't even question how he'd gotten in, this was something to do with this bond they shared. This strange connection she couldn't begin to understand, wasn't sure she wanted to.
"I could get used to seeing you in my bed" He said after a long minute. She gulped, her throat dry. Alina gripped the silky sheets tight and lifted them to cover her already covered body. It made her feel so vulnerable, him seeing her so casually, so relaxed. But then again she could be standing in the dining hall fully dressed and still feel vulnerable around him, he seemed to have that effect on everyone.
"You're not really here" She said weakly. She knew it was the truth, yet the words came out as a hopeful question. Did she want him to be here? She didn't want to answer that.
"No" he answered. "I do have a war to win Alina." He'd never spoken to her when he appeared, usually just watching, observing. She'd missed his voice.
"For someone so busy, you spend an awful lot of time with me" she said and cocked her head. That smirk toyed at his lips again.
"I'll always make time for you moya svet" he said slowly catching her eye, waiting for her response.
"Good" Alina said. His eyebrows raised, whatever reaction he'd been expecting it was not that. She'd caught him off guard, it made her feel in control. Alina liked that feeling. So she continued. "When you're around I feel less alone" it was the truth, she had a feeling he'd know if it was anything but the truth. She couldn't lie to him.
The Darkling's shoulders tensed and his jaw clenched. "If you feel so alone Alina, why run from me?" he asked quietly.
"Because I can't do what you're asking me to do" She said. As much as she longed for him, she could not, would not enter The Fold with him. She would not allow him to weaponise that darkness.
"I'm asking you to help me save our people"
"You're asking me to condemn everyone else" she spat bitterly. He'd happily let the world burn so long as Grisha were safe, but there had to be another way.
All the uncertainty on his face from before was gone, replaced by anger, utter rage. "There is no other way." He said sharply as he tried to rein his emotions in. He turned away from her. "Good night Alina" he said. Her eyes widen, she didn't want him to go, she wasn't ready for him to leave her yet. That scared her, but it didn't stop her reaching out to him, her fingers brushing the material of his kefta. Stopping him from leaving. "wait" she said. The Darkling turned his head to her, curiosity danced in his silver eyes. "Stay" she whispered. "Will you stay with me?"
He sighed. "And what would you have me do?"
"Hold me" she replied without hesitation. It shocked her how much she wanted this, wanted him.
"Surely the Tracker is more suited for such a task" he said quietly. He wanted this too she realised, but he was scared of what it would mean for them. Yet another thing they had in common.
"Yet you're the one I'm asking" she said. "you're the one that's here" she added bitterly.
She waited for a long minute, watching him and the silent war in his head. Until "Then I will stay" He said and turned back to face her. His hands came to the golden buttons on his heavy black kefta, sliding it from his shoulders once he was finished unbuttoning them. He wore a cotton shirt underneath – unsurprisingly it was black. The shirt was tight enough she could make out his fine muscles underneath.
Alina moved along the bed creating space for him to settle beside her. His arms instinctively wrapping around her waist, pulling her tight against his warm body.
Alina was not surprised by how well their bodies fit together. They'd been made for each other after all.
She fell asleep breathing in his scent, but she woke to an empty bed, she hadn't expected him to be there when she woke. She didn't expect him to come back and hold her again the next night, or the night after that. But he did, and she always waited for him. Nights weren't so bad anymore.