Le Disclaimeur: Yes, I do realize how very... wrong' all of this is and I am sorry ::apologetic bow:: Beware the rampant ridiculous violence and OOC-ness. Then again this is strange, random humour, so I guess I have an excuse to be random, ne? Lalalalala. On with the randomness! Huzzah!
~BBF~
!bAkUrEtSu BiTcHfIgHt!
~*~*~*~
Fala ::tapping the mic:: Is this thing on?... No... What little red light? There is no bloody red light! ARE! YOU! ON!!! @#!%&^%!!!?! ::beats the crap out the mic:: Oh bugger on that... ::tosses the piece of junk away:: Welcome one and all the first (and hopefully the last) Bakuretsu BitchFight! We have many wonderful competitors here and wish them all the best of luck. I could do some useless rambling about how great the whether has been and crap, but they don't pay me enough to spout all that hooey, much less sound happy while I'm doing it ::glowers:: ANYHOO! Let's begin, shall we? Have fun everybody and enjoy the show! ::sits back with a case of munchies::
The First Match: CARROT vs. GATEAU
Ding!
Carrot begins with the well-known Ooooh, look Marron's naked and he's right behind you! trick. Gateau stupidly looks over his shoulder and Carrot takes the opportunity to head-butt his opponent. Due to the element of surprise, Carrot performs the attack with relative ease, sending Gateau flying away. But while in the air, Gateau rips off his clothing until he is left in nothing but some impossibly small (heart-covered) briefs. Once on his feet again, he throws himself in front of Carrot. He struts about, flexing and proudly displaying his impressive set of muscles like some body-builder peacock. Revolted at the sight, Carrot instantly dies. As the crowd starts to cheer, Gateau's attention is drawn to the people in the audience and his wanton instincts get the best of him...of course he starts posing and flexing. All the blonde cheerleaders in the front row swoon and melt at the sight, and are reduced to little puddles of goo on the floor. While Gateau is busy entertaining the crowd, Carrot somehow ressurrects himself and picks his shaking body up off the ground (he is still rather traumatized from his recent death-inducing experience). He artfully sneaks up behind Gateau and delivers a sharp crack to his head, knocking the dumb blond out cold. Carrot is declared the winner. Whooooooooooooooooo.
The Second Match: MARRON vs MILPHEY
Ding!
Both competitors circle, like hungry vultures, locking stares. Marron finally begins by casting a fire spell...
Spirits of Fire! Lend me your power! a firey roll of duct tape goes shooting across the arena, and binds Mille. All of a sudden, after much screaming and many tears, Milphey manages to crack an evil grin and some funky music fills the air as he busts out of his restraints and whips off his toga.
Oho ho ho ho ho!
Milphey stands in a black bondage corset/bodice thingie. He has a huge bullwhip, a bunch of yellow roses and...tits?
Marron cries, confused. The mage leaps over to Mille, and yanks at his face. A rubber mask comes off and it's not really Milphey, but....TIRA.
Tira smiles evilly and grabs Marron by the nose, tugging until his mask comes off. Gateau!
Gateau smerks in a pervish way. Hey, Tira... He sniggers, his eyes roaming up and down, taking in her blissfully revealed, voluptuous anatomy... he frowns. No way! Tira's don't look like that! he cries and grabs Tira's two large ::CRASH!:: and yanks the corset off, taking a pink wig with it, leaving...Zaha? In Smiley-print boxers.
Holy freaking hell! Gateau cries out, falling over. Blue eyes wide with fear, he scoots away on his ass until he's backed up against the corner of the arena. Zaha approaches, snickering cruelly as he stares Gateau down with the one purple eye not hidden by his half-ass job of a haircut. Gateau cringes as Zaha raised his hand to as if to plunge it into his chest and yank out his heart like he did in that one episode of Spell Wars, only to sieze his blond bangs and yank them off revealing....Milphey?
Milphey glares and plunges his hand in Zaha's hair, yanking off the entire costume to reveal...Marron? In a zebra-striped thong? Meep.
Okay, this is getting ridiculous! Marron groans and grabs Mille's ponytail, yanking on it. Mille shrieks in pain as Marron drags him by his hair all over the arena, trying to yank off this disguise. Only there isn't one this time...This time it really IS Mille and Marron doesn't realize this until the poor sexy Knight is lying unconsious at his feet, having fainted from agonized screaming and pain overload.
I'm sorry Milphey... Marron whispers, giving Mille an apologetic pat on the head as the knight is lifted out of the ring. Marron (yes, this IS the real Marron. Chocolate is not waiting under a bishounen mask, sniggering and clutching a garrotte within the white sleeve of the robe) is the winner. The world implodes with cheers.
HALFTIME! AAAAAAAAND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS!
::a very annoying, very PINK barbie-like commercial for Dominatrix dollies plays (available from Mattel for a limited time, seeing as angrey parents will probably sue them right away for selling such voluptuous playthings to the wee ones)::
BACK TO THE BITCHFIGHT!
The Third (and final) Match: CARROT vs MARRON
The competitors enter the ring, looking very uncomfortable. They are obviously uneasy about having to fight with their brother.
Ding!
Both boys charge with surprising force at eachother...Marron gets closer and sees the fighting spirit burning in his brother's eyes and winces, readying his fist. Carrot gulps. He covers his eyes with one hand and brandishes his own fist with the other...Marron's knuckles connect with something soft and warm. He punches as gently as he can at it. It seems to be repelling his attacks...Carrot forces his own fist to shoot out at whatever he can hit, hoping to deter Marron, more than to hurt him...and he finds his mark...somewhere...he doesn't hear Marron wailing in pain, and he seems to keeping himself from getting hurt as well, so he keeps punching. This goes on for a minute. The Glaces realize they aren't getting very far, so they dare to take a look at what exactly they are hitting. Marron opens his eyes and slowly turns his head to face Carrot...Carrot peeks thru the cracks in his fingers...
They are hitting eachother's fists. This is VERY FUNNY. Marron blushes as the crowd titters at the little scene and Carrot frowns, Come ON, Marron, attack me!
No, niisan. I don't want to hurt you.
Well, I don't want to hurt you either, but there are paying customers to consider.
So, if that's what matters to you, Marron says, crossing his arms over his chest, then hit me.
But I dun wanna...
Okay, okay...You hit me, and then I'll hit you back. Fair?
Well how come I gotta throw the first one?
Because I'm the baby of the family and I'll make a fuss if I don't get my way! Marron snaps, assuming the mode.
Carrot says, agreeing finally. If his father was in the crowd and he got Marron upset, their would be hell to pay. Frightening thought. Carrot takes a few steps back and balls his hand into a fist, then he charges at Marron. Marron reaches into his cheongsam, quick as lightning, and retrieves an ofuda which he deftly sticks to Carrot's forehead. In a flash of cheap, special-effects flames and a series of fake-sounding roars, Mr. Bullbeast stands in Carrot's place, his head poking thru the cieling where he broke it when he grew too tall to stand up in the arena. Unable to stop themselves, Tira and Chocolate spring out of the audience and automatically shed their capes. Absolut crackmonkey with laughter, the girls beat the lard out of Carrot until he is a naked bleeding heap of shagmeat sprawled out all over the arena. A giant spatula is brought in. Carrot is scraped up off the arena floor, Tira and Chocolate are caught by two expert pervert Pokemon trainers and Marron is the winner. Everyone in the audience goes batshit with happiness.
Just as Marron is about to dazedly accept a big-ass golden trophy, a new competitor leaps into the ring. He is very short and has long purple hair, in the same style as Chocolate's. He has wings and weirdola golden eyes. Cerise.
Fala: Waitaminut! Marron is already the winner! What is that puny little wanker doing here?!
Chibi-Gateau ::tugs on her shirt with one chubby little hand (he's using the other to hold an icecream cone Mawwon' bought him):: Um, excuse me Miss Fala, Excuse me? Mister Cewise wants to challenge Mawwon.
Fala: Well he can't! Marron has the tournament and Birdboy isn't on the list! All competitors have to register forty-eight hours in advance.
Chibi-Gateau: But Mister Cewise says he'll smash all your Elton John CD's if you don't let him compete.
Fala: I-! Ooooh...
Okeeday, peeps...here we go...
The Fourth (and final FINAL goddam) Match: MARRON vs CERISE
Because they are both complete and utter pussies when it comes to physical combat, and Marron is too much of a softie to use his fire magic against such a powerless little shrimp, Marron and Cerise are forced to compete in the area of bishy-ness rather than with fighting. Cerise makes a rude comment about Marron and his wingless-ness, and Marron responds with a snide note about Cerise's inferior hieght. Outraged, the midget blurts that his eyes' gold-ness is far superior when compared to Marron's. Marron shrugs and makes some clever, witty comment about bangs looking like they were trimmed with garden shears and hair that looked like it was dirty-blond dyed with prune-juice. In regards to hair, Cerise begins teasing Marron about the mage's habit of shaving his legs. Cerise also mentions how feminine Marron's hands and feet are. Marron counters this by saying something like, Well at least my hands and feet are a relatively good size unlike yours! And you know what they say about people with small hands and feet... Outraged, Cerise calls Marron a closet pervert. Marron shrugs it off. He's quite used to THAT accusation by know and retorts with an at least I'm not crushing on a sushi-roll-headed strumpet. Cerise is bullshit with anger and whips out a pile of bills...they are from seedy bars, notorious for their lurvely stripper-girls...and all of the bills are addressed to Gateau. Tears form in Marron's eyes, but he bravely brushes them away and comes back at Cerise with a mile-long phone bill addressed to Dotta...full of long-distance calls from the Stellar Church to Carrot's cell phone (even tho Carrot doesn't even have a cell phone, but feck, who cares. Shut up you detestable perfectionists! This is merely a piece of Fala's crackish boredness. Enjoy it or go away and study to become rocket scientists!). Cerise shrieks in anger, and Marron siezes the opportunity to fish a package of salt from within his kimono and sprinkles the stuff on Cerise's tail. The Birdboy is unable to fly and flops helplessly around the ring until Marron tackles him, knocking him out cold...or so he thinks. As Marron gets up and turns to accept his trophy, Cerise, who was only playing possum after all, turns over and clamps down on Marron's ankles, tearing the wrappings away. It is a known fact that Marron Glace has EXTREMELY weak ankles. Stripped of their supports, Marron's twiggish ankles give, and he falls to the ground. Cerise then body-slams him and Marron is knocked unconcious. Cerise is the winner.
and that concludes Fala's gods-forsaken Bakuretsu BitchFight. Thankyou to all. yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay...
Closed captioning provided by Wet Water. It's water, and it's wet. Any offended fangirls are apologized to in advance and if you have any complaints about who won and who you think should have won, please stick them in your eye.
Arigato and Goodnight.