As a child, I decided not to trust. Through my childhood I was taught one thing and the next moment I would be attacked for acting upon it. I learned quickly that that you can't trust someone to tell the truth.
I was born Nova Calypso to Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy. I have two older sisters and a younger brother by a few minutes. All six of us are damaged in our own way whether or not we acknowledge it.
My father feels humiliation.
My mother, paralysis.
My eldest sister, longing.
My second sister, desperation.
My brother, trapped.
Me, lost.
When I was five, I got my first definition of a muggle.
Animal.
When I was eight, my first look.
Human.
For months I kept looking and looking for the animal. Looking beneath the skin, into every twist of the lips at a smile or grin. Trying to find something menacing about the shine in their eyes or the furrow of eyebrows when they concentrated. Because he said that they were animals and that was just a fact, like everything from her father's mouth. That was the natural order; anything a stranger in Diagon Alley said was a lie, fabricated to trick them and that any gesture of kindness was done to lure her in. And if father, or mother, spoke, it was a fact, something that didn't require a second thought because they didn't lie, ever.
When I told my father of what I learned, exited at the prospect of a new discovery, I was hit for the first time. My father looked at me with an expression of disgust. Once I was older I couldn't help but feel that that was the first time he really looked at me, and then decided I wasn't worth the effort.
He sneered and told me that they weren't anything more than filth and that if I didn't smarten up I would be classed as that alongside them.
When my father's echoing footsteps left the room my mother threw herself on my body and cradled me in her arms sobbing unrelentlessly. That night we sat in the armchair by the fireplace and my mother would whisper how much she loved me and how much I was worth and I stayed quiet.
That night I learned that my father was damaged too far beyond repair. I learned that my mother was dynamite, fragile and explosive.
In the morning she had turned back to stone.
The handprint on my cheek stayed for 5 days and turned 7 different shades.
At age eleven, I received my Hogwarts letter.
My father ordered me to become a Slytherin and my mother pleaded me with her eyes something I was unable to place.
The train ride was long and painful and I wasn't sure if I was on a train to paradise or hell.
At night I starred up at my vividly colored drapes and wondered if there was someone in this castle who has been condemned to the color red or blue or yellow since birth as I have been to green. It's around every corner and I'm not sure if I'll ever be rid of it.
My classmates don't pay me much attention. My siblings all bask in attention and they take enough of it that they forget I'm there at times.
I eat breakfast with Draco.
I have an unspoken agreement with Blaise to be partners in every class.
My eldest sister, Phoenix, and I exchange smiles when we make eye contact from the Gryffindor table to the Slytherin one.
It's all I need.
I thrive in Transfiguration and Professor McGonagall gives me tight-lipped smiles but always looks away after a beat.
I go back to the Manor at the end of the school year with dozens of rumors concentrating on Harry Potter, Professor Quirrel and Him.
That summer, my father's mood varies from pissed off to giddy. When we all go to Diagon Alley to buy our school supplies, it's both. For some reason, he's happy to see the Weasley family and not just to jab at them. It's not obvious what he's feeling but I know him, I've watched him, and I see it.
The school year starts in the Hogwarts express in the back of the train where the Slytherin house has built its base. I sit with my brother and his goons, Crabbe and Goyle, and the captain of his fan club, Parkinson. I can't decide if it's better or worse than the train ride 366 days ago.
This year, I spend almost every day in the back corner of the library at the same table as Hermione Granger because I've discovered it as a sanctuary.
(We could almost be friends.)
My brother becomes even more arrogant this year and I have more and more trouble keeping him grounded. He starts doubling how often he spews the vicious phrases I've spent my life trying to hide from and I'm not able to look him in the eye anymore.
I decide that Dumbledore is a psychopath for not closing the school.
When Hermione gets petrified, I visit her in the hospital wing and ignore Madam Pomfrey's accusing glare. When Potter and Weasley come to visit her I swing around my chair to seem like I'm here to visit someone else and hide the crest on my robe.
The details are never made clear but I managed to figure out from gossip in the Slytherin house that Harry Potter saved the day, Ginny Weasley almost died, a snake was involved and He was there again.
That summer, there is no happiness in my father's mood, only anger. I suspect it links with why Dobby is gone.
I head back to school with the advice from my mother to stay away from Sirius Black.
I decide that I hate dementors and that this train ride was the worst. The fears from the nooks and cranies in my mind that I try to forget exist and all the sadness in my body is combined and was given a black robe. The dementors showed a depression I didn't realized I had.
It was too much to take and my body gave out on me. Blaise woke me up before anyone could notice and I didn't sleep for the next two nights.
I spent most of my time at the library alone. Whenever Hermione does shows up, she falls asleep in her pile of work.
I like Professor Lupin, he's both relaxed and dedicated at the same time. He actually teaches us something compared to Quirell and Lockhart. It frustrated me when Hermione and I figured out he was a werewolf because it meant that if anyone found out (which they would), he would be fired.
Nothing too major happened to end the school year dramatically but I'm sure that Harry Potter must have done something heroic.
It's in the middle of July when Phoenix leaves. Her and father are yelling and screaming and are close to using magic. In the weeks before hand, their arguments were getting worse and worse. Neither of them are holding anything back. Phoenix has become even more rebellious than usual and father has been freaking out about it even more than normal.
Phoenix now has brilliant blue hair that looks really good on her and multiple piercings. This argument seems somehow more significant than the others. There's a tense air where Draco, Aquila and I sit in the corridor. We all have our backs to the wall and I keep my eyes sewn shut listening, not to the words, but to the force of their screams until I hear a slap of skin on skin and I know that he hit her. My eyes fly open and on one side, I hear Draco take a sharp intake of breath and on the other I feel my sister flinch. I see the surprise on each of their faces, Aquila's features frown for an instant before she turns her face to a neutral and bored mask that has cracks in every corner. Draco's shocked expression stays for longer before it turns lost and betrayed and I can tell that, unlike Aquila and I, he didn't suspect a thing.
My eldest sister's voice goes deadly quiet but I can tell from the absence of shock in her voice that she isn't surprised. This really isn't the first time he's hit her.
We hear the front door slam shut and no one goes after her.
I don't see her until about a week later. I hear footsteps coming from her room and I open the door to see her and her best friends, the Weasley twins, packing her a suitcase. I see the sad look in Phoenix's eyes when she sees me standing in the doorway and I don't give her a chance to say anything, I just wrap my arms around her and try to remember everything.
By the time she's gone I already forget what she smells like.
A few weeks before school starts, the six five of us go to the Quidditch World Cup. It's exiting and I can't keep the smile off my face until afterwards when the Mark goes up in the sky. I scream and scream and Draco has to calm me down but I can't because I know what that means and I know what it'll bring- and it terrifies me.
I stay locked in my room for the rest of the summer not wanting to face my father, not that it matters. He's hardly around is what the house elf says and I know that he's running errands for him.
My mother hugs me tightly before I leave and I don't want to let go because we both know that next time everything will have changed.
I take the train with a sense of dread and it only gets worse when I see the new DADA professor and hear of the tournament.
After we get two champions, one of them underage and the most famous wizards there is- I have to seriously hold back the urge to vomit. My sense of dread is now an undeniable fact.
Other than my twin brother becoming a ferret, nothing too bad happens until the first task. I sit with my head in my hands most of the time.
Everything is fine.
(Other than teenagers with severe burns.)
I go to the Yule Ball with Blaise and we're both good dancers and I pretend not to notice Draco sending Blaise glares, instead I watch Phoenix dance with a Durmstrang boy and Aquilla with Miles Bletchley.
I get more anxiety when the second task rolls around.
Everything is fine.
(Other than a panicked Fleur and eight frozen kids)
The world comes crashing down during the third task. A traumatized teenager and a dead body and I know what he's going to say before he opens his mouth. He's back. He's back. I'm the first one screaming and my body shakes and I can't think straight. I try to take a breath but I can't remember how anymore. Everything is a blur and I'm only able to feel panic.
I don't sleep for three days.
Everything is not fine.
(Nothing is fine.)
I ride the Hogwarts Express in silence with no clear thought or emotion but terror. My mother ushers me into my room and I don't see either of my parents for weeks.
In the middle of August I sneak out of my house and into the muggle world to meet with my sister because I'm going crazy inside that house and I don't know what else to do.
She decides that she wants a tattoo and at the end of the day she has a phoenix, the size of my hand, in full extension on her left shoulder blade* and I have the words 'you're alive' on the inside of my right wrist.
We stay out for hours touring the city and it's all unlike anything I've ever seen before, I can't tear my eyes away, it's (no pun intended)- magical. Phoenix has to explain something new every minute and I hang onto her every word.
It's late when I sneak back into the manor. I've never done anything of the sort and I'm not surprised to find my mother waiting for me in the lounge. Neither of us speaks and we both know what the other one is thinking but neither of us feels the need to say anything.
In the next two weeks before school I sneak out nearly everyday, my mother knows where I go and she knows that I know that.
We've become accustomed to ignoring things that shouldn't be known.
My brother and I board the train and I can tell he's more nervous than he lets on. I take his hand and for a moment he freezes up because we haven't held hands since we were little but he relaxed and squeezes my hand in return. He only lets go a few minutes later when his 'friends' come our way and my mask goes back up and his posture straightens.
Dolores Umbridge is a bitch and everyone knows it. Some of my housemates ignore it because of how she targets Harry Potter as much as they do. I get detention on the first day for using a healing spell on myself when I got a nasty paper cut. Potter and I grew an unspoken mutual understanding in detention over how much we hate her.
When 'the golden trio' starts Dumbledore's Army I'm the only Slytherin that's apart of the group thanks to Phoenix and Hermione. I'm the least liked member but Fred and George have my back, Luna becomes a close friend and I eventually win over Neville, Harry and Ginny.
When The Inquisitorial Squad busts down our door, we're laughing and gazing at our patronus' in the air. My falcon disappears as soon as I see Aquila and Draco through the hole in the wall. Our gazes lock and my siblings and I somehow manage a four-way look. Phoenix's face holds defiance and it refuses to crumble, Aquila is glaring and I can imagine my face is the same as Draco's: lost and shaken.
He doesn't speak to me for weeks afterwards and it hurts more than any rude words I get from Aquila.
The whole school knows about The Department Of Mysteries battle and him and I see the horror I've been feeling etch across nearly every student's face.
When I take the train back to the manor my stomach is in knots and I feel like I'm going to throw up, Phoenix sits with me and keeps her arm around me the whole time and when we get to Kings Cross she looks me straight in the eye and tells me where to find her if I need help.
And then I walk into my death sentence.
Only my mother is at the station, she looks both relieved and scared to see me. When we enter into the foyer, two Death Eaters are standing guard and when the first one catches my eye he send me a malicious smirk and his eyes drift over my whole body. My mother and brother see it and both inch forward to block my body with theirs. My mother sends me to my room and I don't need her to tell me to lock it for me to do it. And my siblings, they're sent to the Dark Lord.
This summer I spend it locked in my bedroom with only the company of Elly, one of the house elves and occasionally, my mother. I have no other contact and considering what's waiting outside my door, I'm okay with that.
The second I see my siblings, I knew for sure something was wrong. Seeing the dead look in my twin brother's eyes was the sinking confirmation. I sit with him on the train despite his refusal to meet my eyes.
I don't speak a word. I only watch.
It's obvious that Draco is shaken and doesn't want to go through with his task, whatever that may be but Aquila looks eager to serve and I can feel her desire to please.
I go to Professor Slughorn's Christmas party with Harry and he spends most of the night trying to get information out of me about their task. I finally get it into his head that I don't know when Draco and Aquila are dragged in by Filch.
Harry and I didn't need to say anything; we just followed them and Snape into the halls.
After that night, the more I tried, the harder it was to ignore it. My baby brother was being destroyed inside out. I tried confronting him but each time he deflected it and left me sadder than ever. I didn't even think about attempting to talk to Aquila, she would probably hex me on the spot. The year wore on and nothing would settle in my stomach. Everything seemed gloomier with the whole school, and population, knowing that he really is back. Their moods cast a shadow and it was enerving.
My world ended in June.
I was my bed when I felt my DA coin start to heat up from where it sat under my pillow in case of emergency. I made a mad dash for my dresser, throwing on the first pair robes I see before going to the Griffindor Common Room. Only Hermione, Ron, Luna, Neville and Ginny are there. I'm briefed on what's happening and it takes me a minute to catch my breath.
Death eaters.
In the castle.
Draco.
Aquila.
Fuck.
Luna and Hermione are sent to guard Snape's door and the rest of us are on our way to the Room of Requirement and I'm on auto-pilot for the next hour and I remember Hermione and Ron calling 'The Order' and I remember Luna and I taking on Death Eaters as a pair. I can't tell what I'm feeling, everything is crowding me and I can't tell any of it apart.
At the end of the battle Dumbledore is dead and I'm having trouble breathing because my brother and sister had a task and was this the task? Was their task to kill one of the most powerful wizards in Britain?
Hermione tells me the next day that it was and I think I forget how to breathe until she tells me Snape did the deed and I almost sigh of relief because my baby brother and my big sister are not murderers.
I don't remember the train ride to Kings Cross.
I remember what happens after. I find out that Draco and Aquila are officially death eaters, they have been for a year, and that scares me because there's no hiding now. Their sentence is written.
The rest of the summer passes just like the last but with mandatory family dinner every night. No one ever says a thing.
Everyone knows that this year is going to be different but I think for most people it only kicks in when death eaters attack the train. Or when our new headmaster is Severus Snape and our Muggle Studies and DADA teachers are Alecto and Amycus Carrow.
The siblings quickly begin their reign of terror. Muggle Studies is only Alecto trying to drill it into our heads the stupidity of those without magic and Defense Against The Dark Arts is now The Dark Arts.
For the seventh year class, they bring in all the students who have received detention and we have to use the Cruciatus Curse on them. If you refuse, you join them. It hurts, and I can never hold back my cries but I know that giving the curse myself would be twice the pain.
It's barely a week in before Neville, Ginny, Luna and I re-open Dumbledore's Army as it's leaders and I find that I'm quite good at it. The room expands every day and a lot of students join for sanctuary. Eventually some stop leaving the room at all, instead moving all their belongings into the room and sleeping on hammock beds.
Our acts of rebellion become bigger and bigger and I'm always terrified that sooner or later the Carrows are going to have finally had enough and just kill us but I try to keep the terror out and don't let it stop me.
It's only in May that everything changes. The three of them walk straight through the portrait and into the room and it's undeniable that it's time for war.
The Order arrives, Snape flees and His voice pierces through the room. All my dorm mates sent back to the dungeons and chaos breaks loose.
I don't remember the specifics. We place the perimeter as best as we can but it eventually breaks and I was left taking out Death Eaters with Phoenix. At some point, Voldemort calls a retreat with a threat to return unless he gets Harry Potter. We take the time to nurture the wounded before they all come following their leader. Hagrid is carrying a body and it doesn't take a genius to figure out whose it is.
Voldemort makes his big speech and both sides fall silent, waiting to see who will join them. I see my parents standing at the front of the crowd and when my father sees Draco and I, he steps forward a few steps and make a beckoning gesture with his arm and hisses at us. "Draco, Nova, come." I hear the urgency in his voice and I know that if Draco were alone he would have gone, but I turn to look at my twin and when he sees my face, his expression falters. I take his hand and don't say anything to them other than "no".
My father's face turns to stone, my mother's expression grows terrified and her eyes dart to Voldemort who looks like he's about to blow us up. My other hand grasps my wand and I feel everyone around us tense up, ready to spring into action. We don't get a chance. Neville limps forward, makes his speech and Harry fucking Potter comes back to life.
It's easy to get back into gear after that huge scene, Draco takes my hand and we both take a moment to really look at each other. It's like every single aspect, good and bad, I've ever noticed about him plays on his features and I've never felt more love for my twin.
I squeeze hard before I drop his hand because I know death is a possibility that looms in front of my eyes but it's hard to take it seriously when I look at every good thing that I'm fighting for, I can't help but smile.
AUTHOR'S NOTE
In case any of you are curious about the aftermath of the battle, the Malfoy' all survived but Phoenix lost a few fingers and Draco has a nasty scar on his side.
As for their futures, Phoenix is married (you decide who) and has three daughters, Draco and Astoria are married with two kids, Bianca and Scorpius. Aquilla is a single mother with a young son. She isn't in regular contact with her siblings and Nova is married to a woman from France named Éveline and has three kids. Gabe who is Éveline's son from her last marriage and Adrien and Carmen, two kids they adopted.