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chapter one

As I walk down the lonely winding road, I think about the world that I wish I could escape from, the one that I continually run away from, the one where I am always wrong, I am always tortured, I am always the problem and never the solution. I may be bipolar, that's what everyone says when they meet me, because I always alternate between depressed and anxious, and excited, and I hate myself for it. I despise, not only myself, but the people who make me feel like I do, sad, depressed, and often pretty evil.

I catch myself falling and straighten my rough posture, though it doesn't really seem to make much of a difference, considering the fact that I have two left feet. I used to run before this happened, and I'm really, very curious as to how I Ever did it. I fall just walking these days. There are better things to think about than balance, more important things, things that occasionally force tears out of my previously overworked eyes.

I am very, VERY, sore, from running all these months, away. Away from the dangers of being me. Being hated by all who meet me. It feels good to be able to control myself. Even though I'm not me anymore, literally. I had to get a fake I.D, that reads Tanya harrison, because the wanted posters say that I'm "armed, and dangerous", but thats not true, Not anymore. I can barely find food, let alone a good weapon. If I could find a good weapon though, I would probably just go to a forest, and hunt. I would rather that than continue running through towns, and cities.

I hear a rustle of leaves behind me, and I jump, my body tensing, I cry out in pain because apparently such a small, but sudden movement is more than my poor, wrecked, and tired body can handle. As my tired eyes search for the source of the noise, I find that it was created by a small, crazy eyed, blonde man, who appears to be just as startled by my movements as I am. He gives me a look of apology, and I realize that not everyone is out to get me. The thought makes me feel incredibly guilty, because I always treat everyone like they are going to attempt to kill me, its just happened way to many times.

That's when I feel the knife. Piercing through my flesh, the pain radiating out from my upper thigh. I cry out in pain, and surprise as I feel his hands on my shoulders. The pain is unbearable, like a fierce painful rainbow, expanding, and contracting, with every throb of my heart. I look to my side, and notice the puddle of water, that I am currently lying in. The man continually cutting me open, to the point where I wonder if it is his intent to wound me irreparably.

As I look to my side, though, and see my blood, reflecting in the water, watch it blossom, watch it move. Its like a scarlet red flower, watching it bloom in fast motion. It is so amazing, that something so painful, can be so beautiful, "if something is going to be my last image", I think "I'm glad its this." Thats when the spiders weave their multicolored webs over my limited vision.

I wake up to the beeping of the moniter that could only be found in the emergency room, a sound that I have grown to hate.

I sit up and look around. The small room has a light fleshy pink wallpaper and a picture of a butterfly on a string of grass with drops of what seems to be morning dew, I turn around, my movement to be met by an explosion of pain in my right thigh, both shoulders, and aches everywhere else. Then I remember the previous events, from... how long ago? One day? Two? I decide to press the call nurse button to find out the date.

My nurse rushes in, dressed in a pink cardigan, and black jeans, with a worried look on her face, then she smiles in relief as she sees me sitting up then says "they had you drugged pretty good." I shrug to ask my question. she bobs her head in understanding, and says "You were out for four days" then she smiles, "they wouldn't tell me what happened," she hesitates before saying "you don't talk much do you?"

I shake my head slowly, then I croak out an Illegible noise, that probably sounded like some dying animal. Then I repeat myself, hopefully a little clearer, "Food!"

She proceeds to smile and say "Only ice, Would you like a small cup?"

I nod, in agreement and she walks out of the room.

I allow my tired mind wander away from the past events back a year, then two, then three. Back to when I first ran away. Away, away, I allow the word to radiate inside my skull let it bounce around my brain, like a mis aimed bowling ball in a lane with bumpers. Away, away from those who hate me, who only want me to hurt, to tear me apart like wrapping paper on a present, to harm me.

I guess I dozed off because when I awaken, I am alone again, always alone. I sigh. I prepare myself for some pain because I'm about to sit up. I slowly roll my shoulder blades, and greet pain like an old friend, an old friend who I have lost many fights to, whose arms I would be weak in, yes, but still, an old friend. An old friend who I am really tired of meeting with, whom I would love to snap our friendship off, and never think of ever again. I grimace, and it turns to a smile as pain emanates from my upper back, and spreads lower, until it hits my thigh. Thats when I yelp in pain. That really hurt, worse that anywhere else.

I press the call nurse button, and wait counting seconds, precisely when I reach one hundred thirty one, she marches in, and sees my look of pain, then waltzes right back out. Great. I think as I re start my counting, one, two, three, four, I make it all the way to two hundred and seven this time, before the nurse comes back, this time, with a lethal looking needle. I sigh as I hold out my arm, and smile as the needle goes into my arm, the pain, it feels good. I feel my eyes shutting, the pressure is on their weakened drugged muscles to stay open. I know better than to trust them though, So I just allow them to close.