(Author's quick notes:
Okay, came up with this thing in a stats class who is having the funeral for a teacher that is not even dead. So you can understand the crazy. I had help on this thing from the one who posted this, who knows why they post this thing, idk, it's hilariously bad.
Sorry for the rant.
*********This thing does have abusive language.***********
Credit to Celery for being an amazing author, like I am (I am Celery).
A big thanks to Pizza for putting this up, and being an editor.
A thanks to Chocolate for letting me use them in this story.
I offend nobody intentionally in this, it is just a weirdo story.
Oneshot? Maybe….maybe not.
Celery looks at Pizza, and Chocolate. Her two best friends are literally a pepperoni pizza slice, and an opened bar of hershey's chocolate. They sit at a unopened butter box table on the rungs of the 3rd layer of fridge. The butter in the box complains that it is too dark, and screams for somefoody to let it out. Nofoody does anything.
"Dudes?"
"What? From the western adorned pizza, and a "hrrrrahahhh?!" bird like greeting come from the non-melted chocolate.
"What do you wanna do?". The celery stick has been here for days, seeing as nobody has opened the fridge in a week. She is bored and wants to do something. Not that she wants to be eaten and die, but at this point it would be better than nothing.
"I Don't know". The western pizza drags its cheese on the rungs of the blindingly white fridge.
"Omg! How you doing?" Celery just wants to snap off some of Chocolates chocolate so Chocolate will listen to the question and answer it, not just ask another question.
Suddenly! The lights in the fridge turn off!
"Oh my lord, we're all gonna die!" Chocolate screeches.
"Shut the fuck up!" Pizza really feels the need to hit somebody. The butter in the box is screaming bloody murder. Other residents gasp.
"dudes , calm yo selfs. It's just the light" Celery turns around. She is proceeding to look over the edge of the rack, down to where the little switch that keeps the light on touches the door. Some carrot dudes are down there. Carrots are known for their closeness, which celery does not like. She herself was a beautiful stalk until some random human decided to cut her body up and put it in something called a 'vegetable platter'. She had seen parts of her celery body be eaten. Now she was just a celery stick.
"What is down there" Pizza asks.
"Some carrots"
"Are they messing up the shit?" Celery shakes her(head?), but it just looks like Celery is shaking odd.
"Hey you (weirdos)Carrots!" Celery leans over the side of the rack "you fucking with the button?!"
The carrots are a weird people. They tend to stay in a plastic bag, they are all short(baby carrots), and they all have 1 leg in which they hop. They are scalped so it is very much disturbing, but many more residents are even weirder so it doesn't matter.
"No?" the carrots all yell, it's like a choir of 'shut up you squeaks'.
Pizza looks over at Chocolate. "What are you doing?"
Chocolate uses its real bony arms to adjust the wrapper. "I'm going down there".
Chocolate then jumps horizontally to the rungs on the ground, sliding in between them and falling all the way to the bottom.
"You didn't break your face did you?" Celery calls after, there was no way in freezer Chocolate was ever going to get back up here.
Celery and Pizza can see Chocolate talking to the hoard of baby carrots below. They cannot however tell what Chocolate is saying. Chocolate shakes her head, the carrots retreat back to the bag.
"They Didn't touch it" Chocolate cals up to the random pizza slice and celery stick leaning over the side. Celery looks at Chocolate like something is wrong, then turns to Pizza. Pizza has already gotten up and is talking to the sodas. The sodas must like pizza somewhat, because soda is always is served with pizza.
Pepsi rumbles catatonically. Its probably because he's full of liquid. "What do you want, pepsi" pizza turns around.
"From up here(yes his face is on the nozzle) I can see some cheese, and Ham folk around the light bulb". Pepsi looks down at Pizza.
"Okay thanks. I guess" Pizza turns and looks at Chocolate on the ground and the (probably) dumb celery stick on the racks.
"Some wanks are up at the light"
"Was that a joke?" Pizza can only look at Celery like she stupid.
"No".
Chocolate tries to run up the side of the bottom of the fridge. The two look down at it.
"What are you doing?"
"Can't you see? I'm trying to get back up". There was no way Chocolate was getting back up here, but what do you know. Chocolate scales the egg motel(egg carton), leaps on the lettuce(who doesn't like people on him), and squishes in between the rungs, successfully getting back to the distraught foodies. The butter box still screams.
"Holy shit".
"So we just go up more?" Celery looks at chocolate, who just keeps looking up.
"Yesss!" the last part hisses, and sprays chcolate matter all over the rack.
"Damn son. Well now we gotta climb" Pizza looks at Celery and Chocolate. What a freaking bunch of weirdos they are. Probably better lov(no)e story than twilight.
"How do we get up there?" Celery is surely stupid.
"We climb, you bozo" Chocolate is already on the run. Unfortunately Choco just smashes into the wall ,because a cup of yogurt decided it wanted to chat, but Chocolate was just like 'nuh uh' and ran past smashing into the wall.
Pizza and Celery join with Chocolate, shoving the yogurt kid to the side. The kids wrapper rips, and coats the side of in nasty strawberry yogurt. The yogurt kid cries every time. So sad.
Celery looks back at her friends. "Dudes, do you think the corn dogs in the door could put themselves in a pile and we could step on them to get to the deli drawer?" Probably the smartest and fluent last thing that would come out today. Considering she had her head cut off before she was packaged probably had something to do with it.
"Yes, let us force the corndog to be our slaves". CornDog's just so happened to be a bunch of depressed mats wrapped in angry batter. They usually did anything, and ever since they were put in the door, they always would try to die but jumping out onto the floor. Too bad that's not how food dies and the humans would just put them back in the door.
The 3 foodies force the Corndog's into stairs and climb them to the deli drawer.
Once they get there the Pizza,Celery,and Chocolate see a really thin piece of ham punching the lights out of a moldy slice of cheese.
'The heck is going on here?" an outward though.
"This pig thinks he can touch the light!"
"Na-uh, this moldy curdle thinks he can touch the light".
It has been known for centuries that ham and cheese hate each other's clans. Why did the humans think they could put them in the same drawer? No, you can't do that unless you have bread. The bread people knew how to solve any conflict with ham and cheese. The only thing bread could not solve was blueberry, ketchup, and banana sandwich. Last time the humans made one of those the whole fridge had to be cleaned. It was bloody murder everywhere.
"Why are you messing with the light?' Pizza asks the question.
"This skin slice thinks if he turns the light to the the right(unintentional rhyme), he can turn the light back on"
"no , it will definitely tun it back on! You abandoned cow milk".
"Wait, wait,wait. So neither of you broke the light?" Celery looks at the sad sandwich components.
"NO!" they both yell.
"Well who did?" The 3 foodies go up to the light, shoving away the faggety arguing sandwich pieces. They continue to hit each other when a slice of roasted turkey drags them away.
"Chocolate? Why is chocolate on the light?"
"Because I broke the light"
"How!? You were with us the whole time?" Pizza shakes Chocolates shoulders. Your fucking cray-cray!
"No, i definitely broke it". Celery can only think one answer to this.
"Hey, you guys? Remember two weeks ago when the human cleaned the fridge? Remember how we could not find Chocolate for a day?"
"Yeah" Pizza looks at Chocolate and Celery.
"Do you wanna know what i think happened" (this is about to get sciencey, bitch)
"I think Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum."
"So you're saying that" Pizza looks at Celery
"Yes I did" Chocolate's eyes bulge a bit with satisfaction.
"Holy shit" Celery states. "You time traveled" into the future 5 days ago and you didn't tell us!"
"What the hell are you talking about!?" Pizza is freaking out.
"Calm yo-self Pizza" Clery looks art Pizza. "Where is your time machine"
"What time machine?"
"How the heck did you go back in time?" Celery is on the verge of 'shaking jake".
"Oh, you mean that" Chocolate points to an (for some reason) blue empty carton of orange juice. It was next to the light the whole time, and none of them noticed it.
"When did that get there?"
"I just parked it" Chocolate goes up to it, opens a cut flap in its side and steps inside. "Get your buts in here. There's so much to do"
Celey and Pizza follow Chocolate into the tar-juice carton. It smells like gone bad orange juice in here.
"Why are we standing in a sad box, and sploshing ourselves?" the 3 are cramming themselves in realizing that Chocolate is, something is wrong with them, and they are all cramming themselves in a box. The door flap shuts.
"Why you do this to us?" Pizza doesn't like being squished. "This is stupid"
"Just shut up, Pizza. Go out the door" Chocolate shoves Celery and Pizza out. Absolutely nothing has changed.
"The fuck Chocolate". The yogurt kid still cries while yells at him. The carrots are starting a fire, the corndogs are piled up like a pyramid, the ham and the cheese are literally having a war, an trampling the KO'ed body of slice of roast turkey. Somehow the bread clan got in here and they are trying to get the butter out.
"What is this, we go to fix the damn light and a Holocaust happens?" Celery looks over to the only other foodie she occasionally talks to. The small Kugel girl is upside down, spilling sauce everywhere. "No offence, since your a je-" .
"Chocolate" Pizza addresses the odd confectionary. Chocolates brain was probably in an air pocket in the chocolate, slowly dying of oxygen deprivation(no i am not degrading my friends, it's just how the story turned out).
"What"
"Chocolate, what did we just do?"
"You stepped in a box, as my glorious prank, and then everything out here went to hell."
Celery interrupts. shouldn't we turn the light back on?"
"Yeah" Pizza turns back to the light. "Chocolate, stop messing with us. Food can't time travel, it can only go bad(rot, in the food world this means that they go crazy. Mold takes control of their brain causing dementia, and the mold slowly eats at the host's body).
Pizza looks at war going on.
"Can somfoody just fix the light?"
The yogurt boy is over his crying and tries to assault Chocolate. Chocolate runs away, but Chocolate runs into the light. She is not dead. The light flicks on with a few 'clink' sounds.
"Omg! You just fixed the light!" Celery is appalled. :C
Celery immediately notices the problem as her friends cheer in joy, and start to walk back to the butter box table. Yogurt boy was not torn open from earlier. Did they actually go back in time?
"Um, guys-"
Celery's voice is cut off as the construction workers outside dynamite the house, erupting like a hydrogen bomb in massive flames, death, burning, fire, and more explosions. The refrigerator and everything in the house explodes killing and burning everything. Celery was unable to end her question, as the fridge literally exploded in a chain reaction. The existence of the living food would never be found. If only the construction workers knew that the house was built on a indian burial site.
The construction workers are glad that the new Hannafords they are going to build here. It is right on the side of the highway. Next to it, a cemetery, where it is said ghost live. The workers would never know of the terrible thing they just did. They would never know that they were starting the living food war of 2026. A war that went down in history.
(in the food war, the humans win by simply hiding and letting all the food rot. Celery and friends reincarnate, and then they die of rot, but before that they have a great many adventures[which I, Celery, may write about in the future].
I need to write something random here because the teacher is looking over my shoulder, and I don't like it when she watches me write. I get a pressured feeling. TEH-BLEH. I'm supposed to be doing a report, but who likes work. No one does.
THE END (for real)
(author's notes:
LOL THE FUCK IS THIS WHY I WRITE? LOLOLOLOLOLOL [i cry then i die].
Okay. If a certain somebody wasn't pizza, I'd totally ship PizzaXPepsi(you eat soda and pizza at the same time, why not? And I say; i mean this a, a …...fuck idk?) (personal response to last comment: "the fuck. Who the fuck is pepsi?").Pepsi is a nobody, lol.
This is shit. I am sorry people, but my life is a flushing toilet, and this story is hell'a bad.)
If I write another, should I make the orange juice go to the moon?-YES.
I also ship BreadXButter(toast bro).
I will not write a HamXCheese fic. Never. I hate ham and cheese. I feel like it would be a romeo and juliet thing if I did. I also don't think I could write romance, it would just be to hilarious.
I give exclusive permission to 'Pizza' to post this on
If my fans have good food jokes, put them in the comments.
;´༎ຶਊ ༎ຶ`; GIVE ME THEM IDEAS! ┐(ﾟ～ﾟ)┌ I DON'T KNOW WHY I WRITE THIS?
SCREW IT ALL DOES NEED SEQUEL?