Penitence

Summary: No matter how many times Joel assured her that the deaths that she had witnessed along the way to Salt Lake City were not her fault; Ellie would always carry that guilt with her.

Penitence

Noun: The action of feeling or showing sorrow and regret for having done wrong; repentance.

Joel knows survivors guilt when he sees it.

He knows it better than most, and he knows what a dark and depressing feeling it really is.

He should know, after all; he's been living with it for close to twenty years.

And right now it's currently written all over Ellie's face. Joel doesn't quite know how to feel about that.

So he does the one thing that he knows how to do when it comes to the red haired girl beside him: Get her to talk.

"Somethin' on your mind?"

He rumbles in his deep southern accent. It causes her to perk her head up and look at him in confusion for a moment before realization flickers in her eyes and she drops her hand back down again.

"No… No, I'm good." She mumbles as she continues walking by his side. Joel furrows his brow at this. She's clearly not fine, and he knows better then anyone else, that despite how much it bites – It's better to talk about what was on your mind, rather then letting it sit.

Letting it sit was how demons formed after all.

He sighs and sets down his gear under a tree beside him, and sits down on it's gnarled roots. They were heading back the settlement after a successful hunting trip, and the compound wouldn't be expecting them back for another hour or so. They had time to talk.

"Elle-" He tries-

"No seriously Joel, I'm fine, see?" the small girl, who is now taller then him because of his sitting position, tries and fails to crack a grin.

It doesn't work, if anything, it makes the hidden pain behind her eyes become even more apparent.

Joel is not fooled for a moment. The big man crosses his arms and sends her a questioning look. "Are you sure?" he rumbles, deep and low in his throat. She pauses and doesn't look at him or anything for a moment. Finally, she slowly shakes her head and sits down on the trail across from him.

"No." she finally gets out, opting to pull out her sheath of arrows and get to work on cleaning them up from the hunting trip. "No, I'm not really ok."

"Wanna talk about it?" Joel offers. Might as well get the ball rolling, he doesn't like to see his adopted daughter figure looking like this.

She shrugs. "What is there to say I guess?" she finishes cleaning one arrow, and puts it back in the sheath. "I'm happy to be here, but at the same time, I'm… not?" she looked slightly confused by her own words, as if she knows what she's saying, but doesn't quite understand them.

"I mean, I'm grateful to be alive after all we went though, really I am, but… a part of me thinks that… maybe the cost was too high." She tries to clarify, but Joel understands what she means.

"You're talking about… them… I get it." Ellie shakes her head.

"That's part of the issue: we don't talk about them – and when they do come up we don't even use their names!" she waves her hands. "I get its painful Joel, I do, I really do, but I feel like we aren't validating them like we should be! They died on the way… and we're still here…"

She takes a breath to try and control her emotions, before going back to cleaning her remaining arrows. "I just have to wonder sometimes… why they didn't make it… and we did."

Joel is silence for a few moments afterwards as he thinks of what to say to calm her. When the words do come to him, he says them slowly, gently – making sure not to rush his thoughts.

"… Survivors guilt… is… a hell of a thing." Joel gets out quietly. "I've had it for… god knows how long, and it's something that never goes away completely." He looks up at her to see if she's looking at him. She's not, but he can tell by the way she's leaning forward slightly that she's listening to him.

"A person your age… should never experience it… but in the world, we live in now, I guess it's kinda unavoidable." Joel admits gruffly. "It's something that sticks with you-" Ellie snorts, "I figured that out for myself, thank Joel."

"Just let me finish." The older man rumbles gruffly. "I understand where you're coming from: people that we cared about died along the way, and you're wondering why they didn't make it, and why somehow, you've managed to come as far as you did when others… a lot of others… didn't."

He takes a breath as he reaches over to tilt her chin up slightly so she's looking at him.

"You need to know something." He tells her gently. "What happened to them, was not your fault. What happened to Henry and Sam, this Riley character you mentioned, and Tess- especially Tess… that was not your fault. Do not blame yourself for their deaths. It was out of your control."

"But-" Ellie tries to say, only to be stopped by Joel.

"I know its not what you want to hear. But you need to hear it. It's not your fault. It's like I told you before: its not survival skills that keeps people alive now – it's luck, and eventually… it does run out."

He holds her gaze, as he firmly tells her, "It ain't your fault, don't you ever forget that, alright?"

It takes her a minute but she finally nods back. "I know… it's just… hard."

He nods. "It is. Believe me, I know it is."

"How do you deal with it?"

Joel wants to laugh as the words leave her mouth. He doesn't.

But he can't tell her that, so he squares his shoulders and stiffly stands up. "You just gotta think of them fondly and survive the best you can." He tells her lamely. Picking up the rest of his gear from beside him, he gave her a half smile as he helps her pick up her pack.

"Endure and survive, right baby girl?"

She nods as she also stands up. "Sure, right. Endure and survive."

Joel nods, and gently pushes her in front of him as they made their way back to the settlement. Ellie is almost glad, because now he can't see the pain that is still present in her eyes.

It doesn't matter how many times he tells her that the deaths that they witnessed were not her fault, because she'll still carry them with her for years to come – maybe even longer.

She doesn't want to, but she can't help it, the deaths bothered her, and they refused to leave her alone.

Why did she make it, when they didn't? She doesn't know. All she knows is that the guilt is with her every day.

She would always carry that guilt with her.