This story is my dear lazy friend's, and I hope you enjoy it. Because I know I sure enjoyed it. And here's the firs installment.
Bleach Chp. 1
Kenpachi taichou secretly walks up to Mayuri's lab, breaking a sweat with every turn of his head! "Goddammit! There better not be anyone following me! Or I'll take these bells on my head, and shove it up their asses!".
Kenpachi walks into the humongous, dark lab. He sees Mayuri taichou hovering over his computer. He gets a little closer and sees that Mayuri's watching hidden cameras of Ishida taking a shower. "Mayuri! Get your ass over here right now with my 'experimental device'." Mayuri jumps up, walks into the dark, then walks back with a long, rectangular box in his hands.
"Here it is Kenpachi, fresh out the machine's anus." Mayuri opens up the box. "I present to you the Ichi-Prostate-Tickler 3000! It comes with an anal stimulation tip, penis massager, customized vibrating bullets in the shape of Ichigo's balls, and 500 vibration settings proven to tentalate the most hard-to-get orange head".
Mayuri quickly closed the box. Kenpachi shrieked like a little schoolgirl. His neck is covered in dribbling drool. "Fantastic! This would get me that hot Ichigo with that puny sword. Oh when he beat me with that sword I nearly lost it".
Mayuri shrugged. "I don't go for Irish Inuyasha wannabes. Personally I prefer the intellectual types... like Ishida. Mmmm do you see the way he handles his glasses? They keep slipping down, and he keeps pushing them up. Slipping down, and pushing them up. Slipping down and pushing them up! That's why I put so many cameras in his body...."
"I do not want to hear all this sissified mess! Just give me my box!" Kenpachi reached out for the box, but Mayuri quickly moved his hands away. "Bitch, where's my money? You think this is free? You think I spend my whole day making money! For your information I spend MOST of my day making money. The store where I get my makeup caught on to my counterfeits, so I need your money! That'll be 50,000 yen!" said Mayuri.
"Uch, fine then! Here's your money!" Kenpachi exchanges the money for the box. "Now go away," Mayuri said. "I need to let my 'daughter' out to go pee". Kenpachi takes the box and slides it into his fukata. Kenpachi pokes his head out of the lab and searches for any people walking around. "Coast is clear, Sargent!".
He runs quickly to his room, but makes one last check before he walks in. Unfortunately, Yumichika saw Kenpachi running out of Mayuri's lab suspiciously. "Oooh, I wonder what my man is hiding from me. I know he knows my birthday is coming up soon" said Yumichika. Once Kenpachi walks in, Yumichika decides to interrogate. Yumichika stands at the entrance to Kenpachi's room, admiring his big ass as he's hovering over his chest. "Kenpachi taichou, may I please come in?"
Startled, Kenpachi slams the chest door down, and turns around. "Who are you? Yumichika?! What in God's lush, green, heterosexual earth do you want?!"
Yumichika walks into Kenpachi's room, with a big grin on his face. "Oh my goodness. What the hell is that on your eyelashes! You look like Big Bird at Gay Pride! If you're looking for your partner, the Cookie Monster's robbing some convenience store for some tampons and cookies somewhere," said Kenpachi. Yumichika had no choice but to be turned on by Kenpachi's stern, yet totally gay, rant. "I have a birthday coming up soon, and I was wondering if you'd like to come to my party," said Yumichika.
"Yes, I'd love to come. Will there be faeries? Will there me magical unicorn rides and Byakuya tickling everyone with his cherry blossoms? Sign me up right away! Yeah right! Now get out of here, I got business to take care of!"
Biting his lower lip in excitement, Yumichika prances out of Kenpachi's room! "Oh my goodness, he's coming to my party! That was a definite yes." Hiding behind a corner, Yumichika watches Kenpachi storm out of his room and yelling "Why do the queerosexuals flock to MY division? All the time! ".
Yumichika prances back into Kenpachi's room. "Ah, the chest!". Yumichika says with a sad face, "Oh there's a combination lock". Lighting up, Yumichika dashes to the combination lock. "1101: The division he's in, and then his rank. Easy as getting Kenpachi in my bed," says Yumichika. The lock opens. He stares at the long, rectangular white box laying perfectly in the chest. He reaches down, and opens the beautifully colored white box. "OOOH! Oh how wonderful! Kenpachi wants to spice up things in our bedroom! No no no, this is definitely not a present I can open in front of everyone at my party. But knowing him he'll whip it out after the party and make sweet, strong.... passionate 500 settings of love to me!" Before the drop of drool hits the dildo, Yumichika wipes his face, closes the box, and locks the chest back into place. Joyously he dances out of Kenpachi's room.