**A few notes: Much like John Mulaney talking about Home Alone 2, I realize that having gripes with the plot of a three-year old movie is a little much, but here we are. Also, if you are not familiar with the Sassy Gay Friend series on Youtube, as it is many years old, go watch it before getting on my back about the language chosen here. Finally, I don't own Crimson Peak or Sassy Gay Friend.**
This is Edith from Guillermo del Toro's Crimson Peak. She is about to run off with Thomas Sharpe and enter into a marriage that will risk her life. This could all have been prevented if she had a sassy gay friend...
"What, what, what are you doing?"
"I'm going to marry him!"
"What do you know about him?"
"He's tall, dark and handsome. And I love him!"
"So that's it? You're just going to go off with the first handsome stranger who shows interest in you?
"He gets me."
"You know who gets you? Alan. He's been your friend long before this anemic scarecrow showed up."
"But Alan doesn't have a British accent."
"Really? It may be more Madonna than London, but that accent is definitely not American."
"Thomas is a rich lord from England who can dance and who isn't going to stifle me into some homemaker role I don't want."
"English noblewomen do nothing except make homes. Downton Abbey hasn't even happened yet, so I don't know where this notion even comes from!"
"I'm going."
"Listen to your mom's ghost and stay put. Marry the good doctor, don't marry the good doctor. But don't go with that man. He's a little too close to his sister and—wait—didn't your dad just die?!"
"So?"
"Oh, honey, you are too far gone for me at this point. Good luck. Try not to die, kay?"
*Turns to camera*
"She's a stupid bitch."