So this is the fucked up Elmo thing from the preview that was on SS. I liked it so I finished a chapter. There are no reviews yet so we may just decide for ourselves what we will do. Feel free to comment on this. For new people um, good fucking luck making sense of this. I am Ghost, my friend Allan also does this shit with me. We are fucked up people writing fucked up shit. Anyways I'm going to try and have this out semi weekly or something, it is fun to write and I can do something like this in about an hour or two after edits and porn (my writing process) and 20 of those minutes are spent on the latter (because I may be a perv, but I have standards). Anyways here is this. (Down the rabbit hole!)
1_Patiently waiting_You_2nd person(Surprise motherfucker)
You drive your car up the winding road through the dark foggy forest.
"Ok where the fuck am I going?" You ask the author sitting next to you.
"Fuck if I know." Ghost says tripping on his balls in the passenger seat.
"Make a right up here." Allan says finishing the bottle.
"This is going to be weird." You say turning onto a small dirt path up to a decrepit looking cabin.
"This cabin up here?" You ask Allan, him being the only helpful one.
"Yes." Ghost says as he pulls out a laptop.
"What is the laptop for?" You ask as he signs into Gmail.
"See one of the perks of this bullshit is that we can change anything anytime." Allan says pointing out the doc Ghost clicked on. All of the sudden you are tied to the roof rack of the 1804 Ford Impossible with Allan flying next to you.
"Ghost used to say something I think is pretty relevant here.. "Peace sends a powerful message, but personally I find parking a car in someone's living room does just fine." He said opening another bottle of Jack. Using the power of foresight you find out what is happening next.
"SON OF A BI…" your screams are cut off by the car breaking through the side wall of the cabin.
You regain consciousness under the car covered in blood.
"Damnit the virgin died." Allan said.
"Now how are we going to vanquish this fuck?" Ghost asked in tow. Then you hear a shotgun crack and vaguely see Ghost tap on the keyboard until the two authors disappear.
"You….motherfuckers…" You mutter. You crawl out of the car into the light of the living room onto a rug that looks like someone gutted Piglet from Winnie the Pooh. You see a dark figure move towards you with a gun. Please teleport me out of here you silently pray hoping the authors remember you. 'The figure came into the light revealing the aged face of Winnie the Pooh.
"AIn't had visitors around here since he killed Christopher Robin." Pooh said aiming the shotgun at you.
"Please, I didn't do any of this. Those two jackasses back there did." You plead.
"Oh, bother. Another poor reader." Pooh said lowering the gun. "I thought you were with Bert or Ernie." He continued.
"Wait what?" You ask.
"Oh, that's right this is a new universe. Go into the fridge and hand me that Bud in there. This will take a while." He said sitting down in a recliner next to his rubble covered coffee table. You walk towards the fridge and grab one of the beers out of the door. Walking back to Pooh you see Piglet and Eeyore heads mounted next to a rifle with a plaque that read "Chekhov". You hand the beer to Pooh who promptly cracks the top off on the table like a pro.
"Ok sit down and shut up. One word out of you and you get a bullet, no warning just a bullet." Pooh said.
"Ok." You say.
"Already off to a shitty start. No matter. So you want to know about this universe? Where did you stop reading?" He asked.
"The last chapter of Silent Striker" you say.
"Son of a bitch, I said no words." He said hitting the table. "Look some shit has happened here since the Hiatus. Shut the fuck up and let me tell you. So Neo and Yang are engaged after some shit the author kicked around for a while. Weiss and Blake are married and have a 16 year old kid named Anne. This came about after intense chess games between the authors resulting in checkmate." He explained. "It has also been 3 years since the SS hiatus takes place. Umm...Rose and Winter are married and have an adorable little shit named Emma." He continued. "Oh right. At the end of Neo's wedding Kermit, Santa, and Qrow traveled the world drinking, whoring, smoking, and all around getting in shit that is prequel worthy. Bert and Ernie joined the SchutzStaffel when the Nazis took over. Big Bird who had helped found the Nazis of Vale and became the Obergruppenfuhrer. And…" Pooh was cut off by a loud boom in the distance followed by your side exploding in pain and blood.
"Ahhhhh!" you scream in pain.
"Oh bother! He's here!" Pooh screams grabbing an M14 from a honey pot. "You will never get me alive you fuzzy fucker!" Pooh screamed shooting into the distance. As you lay bleeding out Pooh continued to shoot into the forest when a Panzer broke through the wall next to where Ghost broke through. SS Sturmtruppen rushed into the house and held Pooh at gunpoint as Big Bird in full dress uniform walked in.
"Well what do we have here?" Big Bird said in a thick German accent.
"Rat bastard." Pooh said spitting in the face of a soldier who promptly hit him with the butt of his rifle.
"Well that attitude isn't going to do." Big Bird said raising a luger. Pooh closed his eyes as Big Bird ended the bears life. He lowered the gun and turned towards you.
"Ah the reader. We have big..excuse me, medium plans for you." He said smiling. Then a soldier walked up to where you lay and injected you with a syringe.
"Trick or treat motherfucker." The soldier said as you blacked out.
2. White trash party-Emma-First Person
My mommies are weird people. They are always moaning in their room at night. Winter says it's because of the show they are watching and that it's for adults. Anyways we are going to the swap meet in the city today and I get to go with!
"C'mon Emma stop talking to air you little schizo." Rose said.
"I'm not a skid row mommy." I said. Mommy is silly sometimes.
"Let's go Emma. We are angering you mother." Winter said smiling at Rose.
"You look really pretty mommy!" I said. My mom usually just walked around in jeans and a t-shirt with her hair in a ponytail, but today she wore a really pretty white dress with blue snowflakes on the waist. She had her hair down so it looked like she was wearing a white sheet on her head, and her Blue heels looked like they were made of ice.
"Thank you sweety." Winter said patting my head.
"Hey, I'm gorgeous." Rose said smiling.
"You look normal." I said laughing. I wondered if she knew what she was wearing.
"I know, it makes people all….moist." Rose said winking at Winter.
"What's moist mom?" I asked Winter.
"It means wet. It makes your mom wet." Rose said smiling.
"God da…rnit Rose. Not in front of her." Winter said whispering loudly.
"Mommy what does wet mean?" I asked. It was weird having two moms. Especially when they would tell me to ask the other one for things. I had to run over the entire house yesterday when they kept telling me to deliver messages.
"She means she has a water gun in her purse Emma. Now get your shoes on." Winter said glaring at Rose. I went to get my shoes from the closet while my moms whispered at each other angrily. They did this a lot. I put on my light up shoes and jumped up and down over to them.
"Look Mommy, Look Mommy."
"The pretty lights, yes I see." Winter said smiling.
"You're like a little fuc.." Rose said as Winter elbowed her in the chest.
"Bunny, Mom thinks you're a bunny." Winter said.
"I don't have a tail. Mom said the bitch at the mall had a tail though." I said.
"Emma! Where did you hear that word!" Winter said shocked.
"Mommy says it all the time. Yesterday when we were in the mall, when we were driving home, when you went into the kitchen." I said. Winter kept glaring at Rose while I talked. She seemed really mad.
"You don't say that, it's a very bad word and Rose shouldn't say it either." Winter said still staring at Rose. "I'm going to go get the car." Winter said walking out the door.
"You little fucking traitor." Rose said looking at me after the door closed.
"I'm sorry. I didn't tell mommy the new words I learned. Or about the adult things we did."
"Yea...wait what adult things?" She asked. I ran over to her and she kneeled down so I could whisper in her ear.
"The adult dosage of the Night Quilt From the corner store." I whispered. Mom stood up laughing really loud so I joined her. She thought a lot of stuff was funny.
"Yea, don't tell you mom about that or the unicorns you saw after." Rose said still laughing.
"Ok mommy!" I said smiling. Mommy wasn't ever mad at me for long. We walked out to the car and got in. Rose grabbed her C-D's and put one in.
"My chick thicker, She rides that…" Winter hit the radio.
"Dammit Rose. Ludacris? I said no cursing and your playing Ludacris?!" Winter yelled.
"Oh, sorry. Forgot you were a buzz kill." Rose said putting her C-D back.
"Put on some Green Day, or Breaking Benjamin. At least you can't really hear it there." Rose put in another C-D.
"Don't wanna be an American Idiot!" the song was really cool. So I tried to drum along with it. I drummed along with the songs all the way to the swap meet. We got out of the car and Winter fumbled around in her purse.
"Ok I'm giving you 200 Lien in case you want to run off" She said handing Rose and wad of cash.
"Ok mom." Rose said.
"Is mommy your mom to mom?" I asked
"As much as I wish, it was a joke." Rose said.
"Ok." I said. We walked into the swap meet when a really loud noise rang out.
"Gunshot. 20 millimeter rifle. Next street over." Rose said in a really serious tone she rarely used. She looked over at Winter who had an equally serious face.
"Mommy what's a gunshot?" I asked.
"Nothing sweetie. Me and your mother have to go check on something. Can you stay in the car for me?" Winter said kneeling down to look at me.
"Why can't I come with?" I asked.
"Because it is a very adult thing we have to do." Winter said.
"Like the moaning from down the hall at night?" I asked.
"Uhh.. a little different but yea kinda." Winter said while her face got red.
"Ok. Be careful with your show mommy." I said. Rose picked me up and ran to the car. She buckled me into my car seat.
"Ok Em, I need you to protect the car for me ok?" She asked.
"Ok mom." I said.
"Alright sweetie. Stay right here, don't move." She said. Another really loud sound rang out.
3. Watching me while I write-Rose-First person.
I put Emma in the car and ran over to where Winter was waiting.
"I don't like leaving her." She said.
"Relax babe, it's just like old times. You need a break." I said. "If only for a minute you fucking buzz kill."
"I guess I have been in mom mode a lot lately." She said.
"You're telling me slut." I said smiling.
"Shut-up, let's go kick some ass." She said with a smile before she ran towards a building.
"Hate to watch you go, but love to see you run away." I yelled after her. We reached a building on the other side of the street and broke into it. We saw a set of stairs leading towards the roof and ran up them. Halfway to the roof we heard faint yelling from the roof.
"Nobody does that's why they hide it in fucking power bars!" A familiar voice yelled. We got to the roof and saw two people we had seen just last night.
"Bitch tell me you have a grenade." Yang said making her voice low.
"She might not, but I'm well equipped. In more ways than one," I said winking at Winter.
4. Go home with something to poke on-Neo-First person
"So I'm nailing this midget and my mom walks in right." I said walking down the street.
"Wait back up, what part do the the Rhinos come in again?" Yang said confused as she wrote down what I said.
"They come in right after the pickle fucker gets caught red handed...Or in his case green dicked."
"Why do I have to write you life story?" She asked dropping the pencil in the sewer grate.
"Because when some e-peasant reads this they will gather their friends and we will amass an army to overthrow….something." I said.
"Why are we overthrowing something today pinkie?" Yang said with the sarcastic tone that came with hearing this often.
"I just want an army." I said getting disappointed.
"Not to encourage your little psychopathic dreams, but statistically, if you're one in a million that means in Vale alone there are 320 of you."
"Holy shit!" I said realizing it. I had never thought of it.
"Think of the possibilities." she said laughing.
"I need to find myself."
"You are not Buddhist, I don't think it counts" Yang said.
"I could at least overthrow a small midwestern town." I said. Yang laughed as we rounded the corner to see hundreds of screaming people running towards us.
"Ahhhhh, ruuuuun." The crowd seemed to collectively say. I stuck my arm out and clotheslined one of the slower ones and drug them into the shop on the corner.
"What the fuck is your problem?! Why are you running?" I asked him.
"Shooter, Dead people, Fuck!" He yelled as he twisted out of my control and ran out of the door. As the door closed a shot rang out and his chest imploded.
"Holy shit, sniper!" I yelled.
"Ok, we've done things like this before, how do you want to play it?" Yang asked. I looked around the store and found the staircase to the roof.
"Lets get to the roof and scout from there." I said.
"Ok. Let's go." Yang said as we ran towards the stairs. We bounded up the steps until we made it to the door to the roof.
"You ready?" Yang asked me smiling.
"Hell yeah, babe!" I yelled kicking down the door. We rushed to the A.C. units for cover. Yang slid past me to the one next to the door. I vaulted over it and dropped and rolled to the next one. What I hadn't counted on was the gravel on the roof. Yang wore jeans today so when she slid she didn't get hurt. My dumbass wore a tank top and a skirt with leggings. So the gravel made my skin look like crushed oreos made from blood and pale skin.
"Son of a bitch." I said looking at my fucked up arms.
"What do you see?" Yang asked. I leaned out from my unit and saw a glimmer in the building next to me from sunlight hitting a sniper scope.
"Next building, 5th floor." I said looking back.
"Yippee Kay Yay motherfucker." Yang said throwing her bag into the window. "Hey detonate the C4 Neo!" she yelled dropping back to the ground.
"What C4?" I asked
"You know…..the C4 in my bag."
"Fuck." I said "What if on accident, it was, maybe not there?" I asked.
"Neo!" Yang yelled.
"I wanted some water, and you had no power bars." I reasoned.
"We're trying to kill the sniper are you saying I just threw him a snack?!"
"Let's hope he doesn't like pomegranate." I said
"Nobody does that's why they hide it in fucking power bars!" After she said that the bag flew back over our heads.
"I don't want a power bar you bitch!" A familiar voice yelled.
"Bitch tell me you have a grenade." Yang said making her voice low.
"She might not, but I'm well equipped..In more ways than one," A familiar voice said from the doorway.
"I'd know that innuendo making voice anywhere! Rose gimme your titanic titty grenades!" Yang yelled excitedly. Rose reached into her shirt and pulled out two white phosphorous grenades.
"Holy shit! What were you planning to cook with that, Southcentral?!" I yelled.
"The in laws, she likes them extra crispy. Like her bacon and like her cats." Winter said from behind Rose.
"And I don't mean pussy," Rose said
"Cats? We don't have time for mexican food!." Yang yelled as pulled the pin on the grenade.
"Does that thing have a nipple on it?!" I yelled
"For sucking," Rose said
"Ok, with that in mind." Yang stood up and threw the grenade into the building "Suck my tits!" She yelled.
"But that's my job." I muttered sadly. A brief second later an explosion that would have made Michael Bay cum in his pants occurred across the street. We stood up while Rose and Winter came onto the roof.
"Fucking Taco Bell," I said. We crossed the downed telephone pole into the rubble and saw a doll. A doll of the most hated thing ever. The real person that shot JFK, he gave Eve that fucking apple, he was fucking Paris Hilton in that video, He cut Bruce's dick off, he masterminded 9-11, He is Osama Bin Laden's nightmare, He turns Chuck Norris into Chick Norris on her period, the very furry fucker that the mortals call Satan.
"Tickle me Elmo." the doll cried out as it blew up. I was shot back into the wall in the explosion and right before I passed out I heard Yang yell
"You will never get me alive you fuzzy fucker!"
Why you still up in the hood_Blake_First person.
I stared at my wife in my bed and smiled. 3 years ago I would never have guessed I would be married to Weiss Schnee have a kid with her. Now that I am here, I couldn't be happier. I walked down the hallway of our house. It wasn't as big as Rose's, not located in the middle of the city like Yang's, but we owned it and the land it was on and it was home. I peeked into my daughter's room she was passed out on her couch after another all nighter of gaming with her friends. She rarely made it to 4 A.M. though. I logged out of her game and shutdown the computer. She murmured something inaudible.
"Shh, go to sleep Anne." I said softly. I picked her up and carried her to her bed and tucked her in. It felt like yesterday I picked her up from the agency and held her little 12 year old self to me. Now she was 16. I closed her door behind me and returned to my room. Weiss was still asleep. I looked at the clock and it read 4:48 A.M.. In about 2 hours Weiss would get up and make a cat nap joke at my expense. Sometime around noon Anne would drag herself out of bed and take a shower. I would get up around 8 and get on with my life. I thought about calling Rose or Yang. I hadn't talked to them for awhile. It felt good to make stupid jokes and laugh with them while getting into trouble. I might just do that. I thought to myself. I crawled back into bed next to Weiss and put my arm over her. She seemed to stir and I saw her smile. I closed my eyes and went to sleep. I truly loved my life. Oh and sex with Weiss. That is also a big one.
(Ok right off the bat I know the math doesn't compute with Weiss and Blake's Kid. I want a teenager so I can do something later and all the other math works with 3 years since SS.)Well this is the first chapter. Sorry about the short and serious Weiss and Blake thing I kinda just threw it together real quick by myself. Allan threw a whole bunch of stuff in here as far as dialogue editing and help with ideas but for the most part this is me. I want to try and use this format for this because I feel it works, but if you have a better Idea feel free to mention it. So um yea this is a thing. I was in a really weird place writing the Blake thing (literally, this idiot sat on top of his fucking oven to type that shit.) but I feel pretty good about this being a pilot. As a side not I'm going to get back into the song lyric chapter thing just so we don't have any spoilers (Allan chewed my ass out for that to no end) I also numbered them to make it easier for me, a format thing really. In order the lyrics are 1. Patiently waiting 50 Cent 2. WTP Eminem 3. White America Eminem episode Dr. Dre 5 Rollout Ludacris. Anyways Allan might throw something in here. If he write after my sign off again imma fucking kill him. So have a nice day and as always fuck you people.