It's Only Christmas
A/N: Inspired by a song, but not really a songfic. The song that inspired this was Ronan Keating's "It's Only Christmas" and in particular the lyrics;
"When it's cold, I get lonely,
I can't talk, I can't walk, I can't breathe,
Then I dream and you hold me,
And the Angels are singing with me,
I guess it's Christmas when I miss us most of all."
It's quite angsty, and a similar to a Sirius/Remus fic I once wrote revolving around Indian summers. Only this fic revolves around Christmas!
Anyway, enjoy!
The snow was battering the flimsy tent. The wind howled through the holes and gaps, and the two occupants shivered as they huddled close together under the blankets. It was freezing, and it did not feel like Christmas.
Yet it was. It was Christmas 1997. They should have been warm. They should have been laughing. There should have been fairy lights, presents and a Christmas tree. There should have been hot chocolate and home baking, and Mrs. Weasley's comforting smile.
But there wasn't any of that. All that was in that small, cold tent was Harry and Hermione. There was no Ron because he had given up on them. There had been no presents, no way to tell it was even Christmas because time passed in a different way out here in the wild than it did in the civilised world.
They had nearly died at Godric's Hollow, and only when they arrived in the snowy town had they realised that it was Christmas Eve.
The wind howled louder than before, and the blizzard outside seemed to roar as it attacked the tent. Harry's arm tightened on Hermione, and she moved closer to him, her warm body against his the only comfort in the harsh night. They had no sense of time, only that it was certainly past midnight but not yet dawn, all they had in that moment was each other.
"We shouldn't have done it Harry," Hermione whispered against his chest.
"I know," Harry said softly.
They were silent as they comprehended where they went now, what they were now. It had complicated a wonderful friendship, but at the same time it had also strengthened it. Harrys head swam with the memories, he was certain that for the rest of his life when he saw snow he would feel their cold bodies warm up as they moved together, searching frantically for the others lips. He would remember the peace he felt as he lay with her afterwards, feeling her steady breathing on his chest, and her soft hair tickling his skin. She was his best friend, and Harry knew he ought to feel guilty about what had just happened but he simply couldn't.
There was Ron to worry about of course, Ron who very clearly had feelings for Hermione. And Ron, who Hermione clearly cared about too. Ron who could never know about this, they both knew that although it was unspoken. They both knew that this would be forgotten about, commited to memory and nothing else, they both knew it had to be that way or they would lose Ron.
"Merry Christmas Hermione," Harry said softly, kissing her gently on the forehead.
Hermione looked up, and he could tell how torn she was by what they had done, "Merry Christmas Harry," She said and her emotions danced in her eyes. To Harry, who knew her better than he knew anyone else, he understood what was going on inside of her head. She felt guilty, she felt she had betrayed Ron, she felt confused and lost.
Harry sighed and shut his eyes, "I don't expect anything of you Hermione. We are alone, and it's Christmas. That's all this has to be."
"You're my best friend, Harry," Hermione said, her voice caught in her throat.
"And I always will be Hermione," Harry said honestly, "Nothing will ever change that."
Hermione nodded against his chest and shut her eyes tightly.
"If we survive the war, I'll erase your memory of this whole thing," Harry promised her.
"No," Hermione said quietly, "I don't want that."
They fell silent again, the wind had calmed down and the soft drip of the snow on the tent was almost relaxing. They both felt their eyes droop shut as they began to drift off to sleep from the steady drip drop of the snow.
It was 3am when there was a knock on the door. Ron grumbled as he opened one eye, "D'you hear that?"
Hermione nodded sleepily, swinging her legs out of bed, "It'll be Harry."
"It's Christmas Eve," Ron groaned as his head hit the pillow once more.
"You know he misses his family at Christmas," Hermione said as she stood up, "I'll pop him in the spare room and check if he's alright. Just go back to sleep."
Ron didn't need much convincing, and as Hermione opened the bedroom door she heard him begin to snore. She shut the door gently behind her and tiptoed towards the front door. When she opened it she was surprised by the cold air that blew in. When she and Ron had gone to bed it had been dry outside, but when she opened the door she saw that everything was white and a blizzard was blowing outside.
Harry stood on the doorstep of the tiny two-bed flat Ron and Hermione shared in London. Behind him the blizzard battered the trees and the houses, and there he stood looking lost and alone. He was soaking wet, and shivering and Hermione ushered him in, shutting out the cold and the wind, and the snow.
"I'm sorry," Harry said, "I shouldn't be here."
"Nonsense, you always have a bed here, you know that," Hermione said gently, she took his arm, "Come on, you'll catch your death."
Harry didn't say anything as she led him into the spare bedroom next door to Ron and Hermione's room. It was practically his room, because nobody else really stayed at the flat. Hermione sighed as she performed a drying charm on Harry, "You have to be more careful Harry."
"I'm sorry, it just reminds me…" Harry trailed off, and Hermione frowned. But then she listened and she understood. The sound of the snow on the roof, and the sound of the wind howling outside the sturdy little flat, it put her back in that tent, lying in bed with Harry just struggling to keep warm. It took her back to those frantic kisses, and the desperation and the desire and it was almost too much.
"I need you Hermione," Harry said, and he sounded so broken.
"You have Ginny," Hermione said, her hand going to his cheek, "You need her, not me."
"No," Harry said as he cupped her face, "I need you, I need to feel what I felt with you. Because I can't feel anything else right now, I can't think of anything else."
"Harry-" Hermione said, her voice breaking, "I can't, we can't - Ron is sleeping next door."
"I hate myself for wanting it so badly, Hermione," Harry said, and the tears in his eyes and the pain in his voice told Hermione it was true, "But I can't stop it, I can't stop needing you."
Hermione didn't know what to say as she looked at him. He was broken, well and truly and completely broken. It had been 8 months since the final battle, but Harry wasn't over it by a longshot. He pretended that he was, he pretended to Ginny that things were fine but Hermione was the one person who could see past that act to the truth.
Now here they were on Christmas Eve, it was snowing, and the wind was howling and as Harry kissed her, Hermione was completely helpless to stop herself from kissing him back. His lips on hers, and the smell of his hair, and the drip drop of the snow and the howling wind, it all took her back to that night in the tent, the sweat, the perfection of it, but the feeling at the same time that it was all so wrong.
Hermione knew that as Harry shut the door. She knew it was wrong as she cast a silencing charm on the room. She knew she was a terrible person as Harry locked the door. But knowing that didn't stop her from wanting it, and when Harry kissed her again and clothes began to get discarded across the room, all Hermione could do was fall apart all over again.
Her head fell back against the pillow, and his eyes met hers and in that moment she knew how much of a betrayal this was to Ron. She was here in the spare room with his best friend, while he slept in the room next door. They were separated by nothing but a thin wall, but Ron would never understand because Hermione didn't understand. She didn't understand what it was about the snow and the wind that made her crave Harry's touch so much.
They moved in perfect harmony in the cold room, and Hermione gasped Harry's name. Their bodies were slick with sweat, and like that night one year previously the wind droned out the sounds of their moans and gasps, and Hermione gripped Harry tightly and held him close to her. They were desperate and alone, and it was Christmas all over again and it was as guilt-wracking and terrible as it had been one year ago.
His breath tickled her ear as Harry whispered in a strained voice, "Hermione."
She shut her eyes tightly, and arched up against him, they both shook uncontrollably. And for a brief moment they lay together like that, shaking as the slight draught of wind blew over their sweat soaked bodies. It didn't last long, it couldn't because they were in Ron and Hermione's flat and Ron was just innocently sleeping next door.
Hermione got to her feet and began whispering cleaning charms, and drying charms and she made sure to erase every ounce of evidence of what had just happened. Every smell, every drop of sweat, and every mark Harry had left on her body. They were silent as she put her nightgown back on and pulled her dressing gown over herself. She removed the silencing charm, and she unlocked the door. As she reached for it Harry finally spoke.
"You have to go then?"
"Of course I have to go," Hermione said, turning to look at him with pain in her eyes, "I should never have been here in the first place."
Harry nodded, "Merry Christmas, Hermione."
"Merry Christmas Harry," Hermione choked out as she left the room and shut the door behind her. She took a moment to catch her breath and steady herself, and then she slipped into the master bedroom where Ron was still snoring in bed.
Discarding her dressing gown by the door, Hermione slipped into bed with him and feeling the change in the bed he woke up, but did not open his eyes.
"Harry okay?" Ron mumbled.
Trying to keep her voice steady Hermione said, "Yeah, just feeling a little lonely. He's in the spare room, but he might be gone by morning."
"M'kay," Ron said with a yawn, "Night Mione."
"Goodnight Ron," Hermione said, kissing him on the cheek and trying to hold back her tears as the guilt of what she had done flooded her.
Christmas Eve 2000 was a particularly cold one. The snow had lined the ground all week, and nobody was apparating anywhere unless they had to. Ron and Hermione were sitting by the fire in their new home, they had been married for 6 months, and this was their first Christmas in the little bungalow that they had bought to start their family in. It hadn't snowed last Christmas, and Harry had not showed up at their flat in the dead of morning.
Hermione couldn't help but wonder as she looked out of the window at the white if he would come tonight. Ron was oblivious to the thoughts inside her head as he squeezed her arm and smiled at her, "Merry Christmas."
Hermione frowned, but then saw that on the mantel place the clock had just ticked to midnight.
"Merry Christmas," She said softly, her mind going back to those words she and Harry had spoken to each other during the war. She couldn't help but think about him, even now that she was married to Ron. And she did love Ron, she loved him so much but then there was this part of her that needed Harry, that longed for him.
"D'you reckon Harry'll show up tonight?" Ron asked, getting up and putting the kettle on to boil.
"Oh I doubt it," Hermione said, clearing her throat, "He and Ginny live together now. He won't be so lonely."
Ron yawned, "Yeah, well I suppose so. He didn't come last year."
"No," Hermione said.
"You're shivering," Ron said with a small smile, "I'll make you a hot chocolate."
"Thank you," Hermione said with a genuine smile.
"You're always a bit funny around Christmas," Ron said as he set about making them both hot chocolate, "You never used to be, it's just since the war. I can't help but blame myself for not being there that Christmas."
Hermione shook her head as he turned to look at her. The truth was never an option, it could never be an option. Hermione couldn't tell Ron about the first time without telling him about the second and she knew that she couldn't do that. She couldn't lose him, and she knew she would if he knew what she had done.
"I just appreciate the things I have," Hermione said honestly, "That Christmas was so lonely. I like to appreciate having the small things like hot chocolate, and a tree, and lights…and you."
Ron smiled as he held out a steaming mug of hot chocolate topped with marshmallows to her. Hermione took it and cupped it in her hands, pulling her legs underneath her.
"Well you'll never lose me now Hermione," Ron said, kissing her gently on the lips, "I love you."
Hermione smiled at his beautiful face, she loved everything about it from his sparkling blue eyes to his freckles, "I love you too."
And she did, she really did. So they had their hot chocolate, and they went to bed and Harry never came. The snow battered the roof of the bungalow, and the wind howled outside and Hermione barely got a wink of sleep as her ears listened for that knock on the door that never came.
The years passed, and so did the Christmases. They were mild for the next few years, and Harry and Hermione continued with their lives. They saw each other often, Hermione became Deputy Head of the Department for Magical Law Enforcement and Harry was an Auror. Ron was an Auror too which meant sometimes the three of them saw each other so much it was like being back in Hogwarts. Ginny was in a similar situation, working as a Healer at St. Mungo's. Almost every day Harry and Hermione would stop and make small talk in a corridor at the Ministry, often they would have lunch and their friendship had not changed. They never talked about the Christmas Eve of 1997 or 98, and by the time Christmas 2003 came about it was all but forgotten between the two friends.
As one of the few Healers without a family Ginny was working the graveyard shift at the Hospital that Christmas Eve. Ron was working late that night, every Auror got the terrible 'all-night' shift on Christmas Eve at least once and this year it was Ron's turn. He would not get back to the Bungalow until at least 7am on Christmas morning. Harry was alone, and Hermione was alone, and that was the first Christmas Eve that they had been in this situation for a long time.
Hermione knew it was coming as she sat in front of the fire with a book open on her lap that she couldn't concentrate on. Her eyes kept looking at the clock, and time seemed to pass incredibly slowly, so slowly that she was sure time wasn't passing at all. It had looked like being a wet Christmas this year, but around 9pm the snow began to swirl and the wind began to pick up. The radio's signal began to crackle as the reporter advised against apparition, and Hermione worried that Ron would get hurt on his way home if he tried to apparate in the extreme conditions.
The clock had not long ticked past 10pm when there was a knock on the door, and Hermione felt herself freeze at the harsh, loud sound. She knew who it was, and she knew what would happen if she opened that door therefore the sensible option seemed to be to wait right here and wait for him to go away, but he wouldn't do that. Because he knew she was here, and he knew she was lonely, like him.
Hermione got up and slowly walked down the hall, she unlocked the door, and hesitantly pulled it open and there he stood. He had flakes of snow in his hair, and his glasses were askew. Hermione took a step back and he walked into the hallway, shutting out the growing storm as he did.
They caught each other's eye and in seconds their lips were crashing together. Harry kissed her fiercely, his lips rough and chapped, and as he lifted her she wrapped her legs around him as if this was second nature. But it wasn't, it couldn't be because it had been 5 years since that last night when Harry had been a broken wreck.
He wasn't that man anymore. He was married, he was an Auror, and his life was on track. But yet here they were once more, and as they panted softly and kissed desperately they were immediately back to those desperate broken days of the war. The days they tried to forget, but never could. Harry knew the flat well, he had been here for several dinners with Ginny, his wife.
Hermione's breath caught in her throat as he took her to the spare bedroom, not daring to enter the room where Hermione slept with Ron.
Their kissing got more desperate as Hermione pulled Harry's jumper off, and he slipped Hermione's top off over her head. They fumbled with each other's trousers, and pushed them down. Leaving them still panting, and dressed only in their underwear. Harry was kneeling above Hermione, and he swooped down to capture her lips once more, she knew they would be bruised and she would need to cover that up. He was so rough, and she wanted him so badly as he ground himself against her.
Then they looked at each other, and as their eyes met they could both see the same thoughts running through the others head.
"We can't Harry, not again," Hermione gasped.
"Hermione, we have to," Harry said, his frustration clear in his voice, "I can't go on living my life and seeing you every day and not being able to have you."
"Ginny is 6 months pregnant with your child, Harry," Hermione said angrily, "You can't be here with me!"
"Do you think I want to be doing this to her?" Harry shouted and before he knew what he was doing his hands were gripping Hermione's wrists, pinning her to the bed, "I love my wife, but I love you too Hermione and I need you on nights like this. I wish I didn't feel that way, I wish I didn't want you the way that I do!"
Hermione's lip quivered as she tried to think of a response, and then Harry's lips were on hers once again. He was kissing her hard and fast, and she whimpered as his hands tightened around her wrists. They were so fucked up, and they always would be, but as Hermione let Harry unclasp her bra and move his kisses further down her body she knew that he was right. They couldn't change the way they felt, and they couldn't control it either. It surfaced it's ugly head at times when they both felt alone, or scared, and as much as they loved their other halves they needed this fucked up relationship to keep them sane.
"Harry," Hermione gasped as he slipped into her with no warning. He practically growled against her neck, and she whimpered once more. He was rougher than usual, he was frustrated and angry. He didn't want to need her like this, but he did and he hated himself for it. Hermione moved with him, arching her back as he moaned her name in a rugged, broken voice,
As they lay shaking together in the aftermath she felt hot tears on her neck, and her hand went to the back of his head before she realised what she was doing.
"It's okay," Hermione whispered, "You'll be okay."
"I'll never be okay," Harry said quietly, "We'll never be okay with this."
"We have to be," Hermione said, "It's all we can have."
"It's all we should have," Harry said as he lay on his back looking up at the roof, "I never deserved you."
"And Ron does?" Hermione asked as tears filled her eyes, "After he left us like that? What did he expect when he left us? Did he honestly think nothing would happen between us when we had been so close for all those years?"
Harry wiped her tears away with his finger and said, "I don't think he expected us to fall in love."
They were silent, and Hermione said, "We could never have been together Harry."
"Not without losing everything we cared about," Harry agreed, thinking about the loss of Ron as a friend. How it would lead to the loss of the Weasley's.
"I love Ron," Hermione admitted as she turned her torn gaze on Harry, "I really do love him."
"And I love Ginny," Harry said softly, "But a part of me will always want you Hermione. It's you I need on this night, when I see the snow and I hear the wind….all I want is you."
"I know," Hermione said in a choked voice.
Harry swallowed a lump in his throat as he performed a cleaning charm and began to dress. Hermione did the same, and as she restored the room to normalcy they were silent.
"Merry Christmas, Harry," Hermione said from where she sat on the edge of the bed, fully dressed and with her back to her best friend.
She heard him move to sit behind her on the bed. He kissed her on the top of the head, "Merry Christmas, Hermione," He whispered as he got up and walked towards the open door. He paused as if he was about to say something, but then he changed his mind and walked out of the door.
Hermione sat there for a long time after she had heard the front door open, and the wind howl in for a moment until Harry had snapped it shut once more.
The third night was never talked about, and to all outsiders Harry and Hermione did not change. Their occasional lunch dates, their daily talks in the corridors of the Ministry remained exactly as before. Their dinner dates did not change, and in July a baby was born, and named James Sirius Potter.
The years passed, and the Christmases passed and Harry had a child who he loved and adored and he was never lonely at Christmas so he never came to Hermione. They forgot each other in that sense, and kept only the friendship aspect of their relationship. In May 2006 Hermione announced she and Ron were expecting their first child in December. On Halloween that year Albus Severus Potter was born to Harry and Ginny. And as December neared, and the weather got colder Hermione grew more and more terrified.
Her due date was the 30th of December, so when the Order of the Phoenix, which still operated in conjunction with the Auror department asked Ron to partake in a secret mission which Hermione could tell he really did not want to say no to, she told him to go.
He promised to be back on Christmas morning, and the mission was not dangerous although Ron couldn't tell Hermione about its purpose. Hermione contemplated asking Ginny if she could spend Christmas Eve at Grimmauld Place, she did not want to be alone on Christmas Eve when she was so heavily pregnant. But she knew that was not a good idea, she and Harry and Christmas Eve did not bode well. In fact, they made a conscious effort to avoid seeing each other on Christmas Eve when it was snowing, it just brought back feelings that were difficult to push down again, and tonight there was a blizzard outside. The radio had crackled out of use, and the floo network was down, Hermione was pregnant so even if she had wanted to go to the Potters house she would not be able to do so since apparating wasn't an option.
She decided to settle down in front of the fire with a book, and that passed the time quite well to begin with. Then the cramps began, and Hermione was not stupid. She knew the difference between Braxton Hicks and real labour. The pain got worse and worse, and followed a regular rhythm. She knew this was the real thing, and the only way she had to get in contact with anyone was a mobile phone.
It didn't have many numbers in it, Hermione had never been able to find her parents after the war. So despite the weather, and the date Hermione called Harry, she was desperate and maybe he could use his Auror connections to get her to St. Mungo's.
"Hello?"
"Harry, where are you?" Hermione asked, sweat beginning to form on her brow with the pain.
"I'm at work, what's wrong? You sound hurt," Harry said, instantly panicking.
"I'm in labour, and Ron isn't here, and the floo is down," Hermione said, blowing out a breath.
"Are you sure? You're a week before your due date, it might just be Braxton-"
"No Harry," Hermione said through gritted teeth, "This is the real thing."
"Okay," Harry said calmly, "Give me a second…Kingsley!"
Hermione blew out a breath as the pain increased, and on the other end of the phone she could hear Harry's conversation with his boss.
"Hermione's in labour, and Ron's on that mission with the Order. The storm has the floo down."
"How close does she live to St. Mungo's?" Kingsley's deep voice asked.
"Half hour drive," Harry replied.
"Alright, apparate over there. I'll send the car," Kingsley said.
"Thank you," Harry said genuinely, "Okay Hermione, stay calm I'll be there in 5 minutes."
"Thank you Harry," Hermione choked out as the phone went dead. She knew this would hurt but she hadn't imagined it would hurt quite this much. She knew what they meant by the car too, it was the flying car. The flying cars that only Aurors were permitted to use, the flying car that had made Arthur rich.
True to his word Harry apparated outside of the door in under 5 minutes and made his way inside. Shutting the door behind him and keeping the cold out. She heard his footsteps quicken on his way into the living room where Hermione was kneeling on the couch.
"Hey Mione, I'm here," Harry said gently, sitting down next to her and placing his hand on the small of her back, "They're sending a flying car to get you to St. Mungo's. Do you have any way to get in touch with Ron?"
"No," Hermione groaned.
"Take a deep breath, it will help," Harry promised, rubbing his hand in a circular motion on her back.
Hermione breathed in deeply and exhaled slowly, "Please tell me that car will be here soon because in case you can't tell my waters have broken."
Harry smiled a little, "I can tell," he said in amusement.
Hermione glared at him, "Now is not the time to joke Harry."
"Sorry," Harry said sheepishly, "How close together are your contractions?"
Hermione grimaced and said through the pain, "3 minutes."
"3 minutes, seriously?" Harry asked in disbelief.
"Yes Harry," Hermione said, "I can count."
"Okay, that's just very close very quickly," Harry pointed out, "I have had two children you-"
"I was born half an hour after my Mothers waters broke," Hermione grimaced, "So don't you try and compare me to Ginny here."
Harry glanced at the window anxiously, and then thankfully headlights glared into the living room window, "Good, the car is here. Do you have a bag anywhere?"
"Bedroom," Hermione gasped as another contraction started.
"Just keep up with the breathing," Harry said calmly as he darted into the bedroom and grabbed Hermione's bag for the hospital. He swung it over his back and then returned to the living room and hooked his arm through Hermione's, "Come on Mione, time to get to St. Mungo's."
Hermione let him guide her out of the house, he even locked it behind them. The snow was falling faster and thicker than ever and it was freezing cold. The cars headlights gleamed against the snow as Harry helped her into the car which was being driven by one of his colleagues.
"How quick you needing to get there Harry?" The man asked as the car hovered in mid-air.
"As fast as you can get us there Rob," Harry whispered to his colleague, "Her contractions are 3 minutes apart."
The man, Rob nodded and said, "Keep a hold on her then. We'll be going pretty fast."
Harry nodded and turned to Hermione, gripping her hand tightly, "We'll be at St. Mungo's in 5 or 10 minutes, alright? Just squeeze my hand if you think you need to."
Hermione nodded and gripped Harry's hand tightly. She shut her eyes and tried to breathe through the pain, and Harry's free hand rested on the small of Hermione's back. They had all but forgotten their escapade from three years ago, so much had happened since and so much had changed. But as the snowy blizzard they flew through surrounded the car Hermione couldn't quite believe the coincidence. She was going to give birth either late on Christmas Eve, or early on Christmas day almost 10 years to the day after that fateful night with Harry, and Harry was the one in this car with her. Harry was the one holding her hand, Harry was the one with his hand on her back. Not Ron.
"I'm sorry Harry," Hermione said in a gap between contractions.
"For what? It isn't your fault Ron isn't here," Harry said, a hint of anger sliding into his voice.
"No, not for that," Hermione said, "For 1997. I'm sorry that I wasn't brave enough to do what I wanted."
"Don't be stupid," Harry said, tightening his grip on her hand.
"And I'm sorry for 98 and 03 too," Hermione said tearfully, "I'm sorry because this should have been us."
"No, this could never have been us," Harry said, pushing her hair out of her face, "We knew that in 97, and 98 and 03. That's why you are here now, and that's why this is Ron's baby."
"But he isn't here, you are," Hermione all but sobbed.
"He will be here," Harry said, "And when he is you'll realise that you don't mean what you're saying now. You'll realise you could never have given him up for me."
Hermione wanted to object, to tell him that wasn't true. But then another contraction started and she groaned in pain, "They're getting closer," she gasped, "That's 2 minutes."
"Merlin, this is going to be a fast labour," Harry said as he glanced anxiously at Rob.
"5 minutes," Rob mouthed in the front mirror. Harry nodded and turned back to Hermione, "We're nearly there," he told her.
Hermione's grip on Harry's hand tightened, and she asked, "Is Ginny working tonight?"
"No, she's watching the boys," Harry said.
Hermione nodded and said, "Good. I think it will be easier if it's someone I don't know."
"You are probably right," Harry said, "But you'll be brilliant anyway. You're Hermione Granger, whether you're married to Ron or not. And Hermione Granger is brilliant at everything."
Hermione smiled weakly at Harry and squeezed his hand as a gesture of thanks. The car began to descend and Hermione breathed a sigh of relief. They went down and down, and then slowed as they stopped on the roof of St. Mungo's.
"Thank you Rob," Harry said, slipping him a rather large bag of galleons into his hand, "Have a good Christmas with the family."
"Thanks Harry," The driver smiled, as Harry helped Hermione out of the car with her bag. The rooftop was slippery so they were careful as they crossed it to the doorway into the hospital. The moment they walked through the door the Healers rushed to them.
"She's in labour, contractions 2 minutes apart," Harry informed the Healers.
One of them nodded and said to Hermione, "Okay Mrs…"
"Weasley," Harry said as he and the female Healer helped Hermione into a wheelchair.
"Mrs Weasley, we'll get you down to the birthing room."
"Harry," Hermione grimaced, reaching up for him.
He took her hand and walked alongside the wheelchair as the Healer pushed it into an elevator.
"Are you the Husband?" She asked, unable to recognise Harry. His hair was long now like Bills and covered his scar, and he wore contacts so without those two key aspects of his face it was hard for those who did not know him to recognise him.
"No, I'm the best friend," Harry said with a sad sort of smile, "The Husband is an Auror, he's on a secret mission. Her due date is the 30th you see."
"Oh of course," The Healer said as they emerged from the lift and walked along a corridor, "And have you seen a birth before?"
"Two," Harry replied with a smile, "I've two little boys, my wife was in labour for hours with them both. But Hermione seems to be a whole lot faster."
The Healer laughed, "All women are different," she said as they entered the room and settled Hermione on the bed, "Will you be staying?"
Harry looked at Hermione for the answer to that question.
"I need you to stay," Hermione practically begged, "You can't leave me Harry."
The Healer smiled and said, "I'll take that as a yes."
Harry smiled too and sat down next to Hermione's bed, she still maintained a vice like grip on his hand. And as the Healer began to do an examination to see how close she was to giving birth Hermione muttered another thank you to Harry. He pushed her sweaty hair back from her face and said, "You're going to be fine Hermione. I know it hurts, but you'll have a little baby at the end of this."
Hermione nodded, and the Healer said, "Well Hermione, it looks like you are ready to start pushing. It's a miracle your friend here got you to the hospital in time."
"He's good at miracles," Hermione remarked.
"Even in birth you're sarcastic, you amaze me," Harry said with an amused shake of his head.
The Healer smiled and talked Hermione through it, and she crushed Harry's hand as she pushed, and despite the pain she refused any type of medication because she wanted to do this on her own, and Harry was amazed by her. Ginny had taken any medication offered, and Ginny had screamed in pain and here was Hermione just taking it on the chin and breathing deeply and doing everything the Healer told her.
"I'm going to kill Ron!" Hermione exclaimed after one particularly painful push.
Harry laughed and said, "Yeah you won't be saying that when you see the baby, trust me."
Hermione groaned and said, "He's going to miss the birth of his first child to go chasing adventure, he's a prick!"
The Healer was hiding her amused smile as she finally realised who these two people were. The names Ron, Harry and Hermione all together had made her see. But she didn't say anything, because in a job like hers patient confidentiality was important and she didn't want to make them uncomfortable.
Harry pushed Hermione's hair back again and said, "Come on now Mione, don't think about Ron for the moment. This baby needs to be born, you just need to think about pushing."
"Okay," Hermione gasped, and she pushed again and again, and Harry was fairly certain his hand was bleeding but he didn't dare say anything, and Hermione knew too and she knew that if Ron were here he would say something. He'd complain, he'd say something that would piss her off.
And in that moment as the Healer said she could see the baby's head and a few more pushes ought to do it Hermione couldn't have been more grateful that it was Harry who was here with her. Harry who understood her, Harry who kept her calm and let her destroy his hand. Harry who was simply perfect, Harry who wasn't hers.
"Come on Hermione," Harry said with a smile, "A few more pushes and you'll have a baby."
His calm seemed to wash over her and so she pushed, and she did scream those final few times because they hurt like hell. But then it was over, and the Healer was standing up and wrapping the baby in a blanket, a pink blanket.
"You have got a little baby girl," She said as she placed the baby in Hermione's arms.
And Hermione looked at that little baby who had ceased crying and was now merely gurning. She had the tiniest amount of red hair on her head, and blue eyes, just like her Father. Harry had been right, as Hermione looked at that little baby, the perfect mixture of herself and Ron, she wanted him there more than anything else.
Harry could see that, he could see it in her eyes, and he knew that Hermione would never have been able to give up this life with Ron for a life with him. He knew she loved them both, but he also knew that she loved Ron more. She wanted Ron every day and night of the year apart from Christmas Eve when it snowed. And even now, as the snow hit the window and the wind howled outside the old hospital, she wanted Ron. She had chosen Ron then, and every day since and Harry had come to accept that.
"She's beautiful," Harry whispered.
Hermione nodded, turning her tear-stained eyes to him, "I just wish Ron was here."
"He will be," Harry promised, still holding her hand.
She noticed and let it go, as her hand slipped away Harry felt like he had lost her for good. He supposed he probably had now that she and Ron had a child together. He covered up his pain though, and instead laughed as the Healer performed a healing charm on his bruised hand. Hermione was very apologetic, but Harry brushed her apologies off.
He got up to stretch his legs, and looked out of the window. Hermione watched him, and the Healer left to get some supplies to make up the cot for the little unnamed girl.
"Ron wants to call her Rose."
"That's a pretty name," Harry said as he looked out at the snow swirling around in the gardens of the hospital. It covered everything, it consumed everything, and even long after it had fallen it often stayed for a long while, just like his feelings for Hermione. They would never cease to be, like snow they would always come and then return just when he thought they had vanished. Just like snow that melted and then rained down on the world once more when it least expected it. Like snow he and Hermione were beautiful in the soft glimmering light of the moon, but then the harsh light of morning always came. Overnight the footsteps of fate had stamped on them and blackened them to slush. After that they were no longer beautiful, they were just a mess and that mess eventually melted away. It was forgotten about until the next time the snow fell, and then the whole destructive process repeated again. Harry wasn't sure how much longer he could keep it up for.
"I do like it," Hermione said, pulling him out of his thoughts, "But it isn't right for her."
Harry turned away from the window and looked at her, "What do you mean?" He asked.
"She was born on Christmas Eve," Hermione said, and Harry's eyes went to the clock on the wall which had now just passed midnight, "She was born with the snow falling around her, and the wind howling….just like that night."
"That doesn't mean anything," Harry said, "It doesn't change anything."
"No, it doesn't," Hermione agreed, "It can't, not after all this time. But it does mean that a more fitting name would be Noelle."
Harry smiled very slightly, "The carol we heard at the church in 97...Noel, noel, the angels did sing."
"And she looks like an angel," Hermione said, her eyes finding the little girls perfect face.
"She does," Harry agreed.
"You're right Harry we could never have been together, we never can be. But at least this way I'll always have you in my life. When you see the snow, and you hear the wind you think of me. Every time I look at her, I'll think of you and in that way you'll always be with me."
Harry nodded, his eyes a little watery as he gently kissed her on the lips, "I understand."
"But we can't avoid each other on Christmas Eve anymore," Hermione yawned, "Not now that it's Noelle's birthday. She'll have to be able to see her Godfather after all."
Harry's smile widened, despite the tears in his eyes, "Godfather?"
"Of course, there's nobody better for the job," Hermione said softly.
Harry chuckled and said, "Thank you Hermione, that really means a lot to me,"
Hermione smiled sleepily at him and said, "Can you hold her Harry? I'm scared I'll fall asleep and drop her."
"Of course," Harry said as he took the delicate, tiny baby from Hermione's arms and sat down by the side of her bed, "I'll be here until Ron gets here," he promised as she drifted off to sleep.
The wind howled, and the snow continued to fall, and it would for countless Christmas Eves for countless years to come. But it no longer filled Harry with that longing, because in some way tonight had brought him peace. It had finally put to bed whatever had been going on in their lives.
Ron had run into the hospital at 6am on Christmas morning, and he had thanked Harry profusely for being there for Hermione. Then Harry had left, and gone home to his own family to tell his Wife that she had a Niece, and his sons that they had a new baby cousin. The guilt was gone, and the pain was gone, and the longing was gone.
As they lived their lives, and upheld their lunch dates and their daily corridor conversations nothing changed. Every Christmas Eve the families came together for Noelle's birthday, and every year it got easier and easier for Harry. Soon Christmas Eve was nothing but an enjoyable time with his Godchildren, his family and his best friends.
After all those years and all of the regrets, things were simple once more. Harry knew that the next time he would think about Hermione, and those three Christmas Eves they spent together, would be on his last Christmas Eve. When he was old, and lonely and close to meeting his maker he knew he would look back on those memories. But he could look back fondly now, he could look back without that pain and anger that he had previously felt. And if that wasn't coming to peace with the past, he didn't know what was.
The End
A/N: It's kind of angsty, and it doesn't really have a very happy ending so sorry! But all the same I hope you enjoyed it because I really enjoyed writing it!
Thanks for reading guys!
Holly