A/N: This is a work of fiction. Sadly, Final Fantasy XIII-2 doesn't belong to me. All rights go to Square Enix and Tetsuya Nomura
Summary: Serah's thoughts in her last moments before dying on top of Sazh's airship.
Couple: Noerah (kinda)
Break His Heart
I look at him as we're falling. No, we're flying. Soaring, cutting through the blue sky of Academia, the wind hitting us right in the face. We don't care; it doesn't stop us from smiling at each other. Hair brushing madly around.
The way he smiles. His smile is brighter than a thousand suns, brighter than the lights inside the Historia Crux, brighter than paradoxes and more scalding than fire. Every time he throws that trademark grin of his in my direction, I feel my skin burn hot. My insides expand and I want to do many things (I can't), and I want to say so many things (I can't). I have to refrain from the impulse, though, because I shouldn't. I can't. I've known that since the beginning of this journey and yet….
How was I supposed to know that this would be the outcome?
All my life, I've loved Snow. Since forever, for as long as I can remember. He was constantly there for me, and I was at all times by his side; it was no surprise when I found myself falling in love. I had expected it, actually. We were the definition of a perfect match… Or so I thought. Lightning's disappearance brought many changes, to all of us, and as much as I hate to admit it Snow and me started to drift apart, bit by bit. It only got worse when he decided to go looking for my sister himself. Those three years away from one another certainly made a big hole in our fairy-tale like relationship and it's amazing how two people can become strangers in that relatively short span of time.
But I was human, so I hoped. Hoped for the day he'd come back to settle things straight. To reassure me that it wasn't over, to tell me where we stood. I thought about it each passing second, driving myself mad every single day, never imagining an opportunity to meet with both Lightning and Snow would present itself to me. I'd always thought I would just wait there patiently like a good girl until they came back…
And then he came.
Then I met him.
The boy from the future. The boy with the blue fire in his eyes, with the strange clothes the self-assuredness and the promise of a brighter tomorrow. The promise I had been waiting for in secret. Although I was initially wary (though a little bit less than everybody else) I was also excited. Finally I could do something on my own, something to aid my sister in her mission and suddenly, it felt like things could finally get back on the right track. And some part of me wanted to believe in the hunter.
So I did. I trusted my instinct.
I wasn't wrong.
What I was wrong about was the foolish thought, well, more like the idea of nothing changing, of everything staying the same. Because everything did in fact change and out of all the things that have changed, I have to say I'm the one who suffered the biggest transformation. Now I'm aware that I'm not the same woman that I used to be back then in New Bodhum. It seems like it's been years since I last hung out with the gang and it's really ironic, considering that we're technically more than a hundred years apart.
Mog mutters a happy "Kupo" just as Sazh's ship materializes right below us. His voice booms merrily through the air and I think I'm going to explode from all the emotions inside of me. Noel lands first, and he turns to me, grinning like a mad man, offering his hand for me to take. My hand slips right into his, my eyes meet his and I think of all the times this has happened before. Unconsciously, my fingers squeeze. My heart beat is loud in my ears, there's a particular gleam in his blue irises, there's a knot in my throat. I know what it means. Sometimes he lets his guard down enough to see through the cracks of his armor and I get glimpses of it, that feeling that he hides just like I do. Difference is, I think he hasn't noticed that he's hiding something. He's completely clueless.
My feet touch the ground. His palm is warm and way bigger than mine; I can feel his heat even with the gloves as a barrier. Cheeks hurting from smiling, his white teeth shining at me, his handsome face relaxed in innocent happiness and I just know. Right then I know I'm going to break his heart.
I have to (I don't want to).
I have to break Noel's heart.
All alone, traveling through time in a frantic search for my sister and fixing paradoxes along the way. Just the two us. Cold nights spent together, making jokes around the campfire, telling stories and anecdotes whenever we felt like the sky was too far and the stars were too many, fingers entwining in a show of support, casting healing spells on cuts and wounds, encouragements during fights, secrets shared in low voices, promises and vows muttered when we thought the other was sleeping, brush of knees, shy glances, cohabitating with each other, scars revisited and re-opened, practicing together…You could say we've been through hell and back together. Him and I. There are many things that made us get closer to the point that I can openly say that there's no other person that knows me better than he does other than my own sister. And I probably know more about him than anyone has ever known.
Whether we want it or not, there is just too much between us to say we're just acquaintances. We formed a bond, an unbreakable one at that. The kind of bond I thought I could only ever share with Lightning or Snow. I was wrong apparently. The sneaky boy-no, man, wormed his way into my life and now I wonder how I'm supposed to live a life without him. After everything that's happened.
In my mind, I picture a dark sky, pitch black. Rain splattering heavily on the ground, my wet hair sticks to my forehead. In front of me, kneeling on the ground there's a broken hunter, the last of them, holding the last Seeress. He cries silently, watching her as if she might disappear any second and there's so much raw passion in his gaze and my heart throbs painfully in my chest. He looks at her with raw pain, holds her like she's made of glass, it looks so intimate and I-
Let go of his hand, smile plastered on my face. The skin of my palm itches.
He broke my heart a long time ago it seems. Unknowingly, but he did anyway.
It doesn't matter. Cause' I will break his. Just as it should be. Like it has to be.
There's no other way for us.
"You're okay now" I tell Mog, trying to sound reassuring.
"Are you feeling all right?" My time companion asks me and I nod, not trusting my voice not to betray the mess I'm feeling.
Noel confronts Snow in Sunleth's Waterscape. He sounds mad, livid even. His jaw is squared, hands curled in fists, veins visible from how tense he is. I'm seeing a new side of him. I don't know what to say. Snow brushes off his comments like he does every time he doesn't want to hear something. The discussion ends after a while but Noel is still angry. I can tell. He keeps quiet, mutters a thing or two barely, mostly retreating into his head. And I wonder what he's thinking. I wonder what has made him so upset.
Snow asks out of the blue how old is Noel, weird intonation in the question. For some reason I start to sweat in floods. Eighteen, Noel says. Snow nods to himself. I start to get upset too. And I don't know why.
After we part ways with Snow (I have to try with all my might not to pull him back and tell him to never leave me again) I notice melted blue eyes glaring at the penchant on my neck.
I think it's sort of nice to have someone be so bothered on my behalf.
I walk to the edge of the ship, gaze at the flying city in front of me. It's a beautiful sight.
"It'll be good to see everyone again" I say, fighting against the knot in my throat.
"Kupo!"
"Yeah…"
We turn around just in time to witness the disappearance of the last paradox gate.
"The gates are closed" Noel says and there's so much I want to tell him. Instead I settle for saying "It's the end of our journey" The words taste bitter, so bitter and I need to swallow to make it go away.
If only things were different.
If only life was simple and not complicated.
Why does it have to be 'what ifs' and never 'it is'?
Why is there always a price to pay for happiness?
I know what I have to do.
The ground suddenly has become really interesting and I turn in his direction so we're face to face. Grasp my hands behind my back, bite my lip, a million regrets in my pocket dragging me down. I know what I have to do. I do. But I don't know how. That's the problem. Also, I don't want to.
"Hey, Noel" I start lifting my eyes from the ground, tracing a path all the way up until I reach his expectant and a tad concerned electric orbs. There are so many things I want to say, but there's only one appropriate for the occasion, not to say it's something really important that I've wanted to say since this whole adventure started. It's something really simple but it comes from the heart. The most prominent asides from some other three words that I'm so not ready to say yet.
And I say it. Only two words.
"Thank you"
Thank you for saving me that first night we met in New Bodhum, thank you for trusting Lightning, thank you for not giving up on me, thank you for giving me hope, thank you for your patience when I didn't trust you, thank you for having my back, thank you for making me laugh, thank you for being honest, thank you for showing me strength, thank you for treating me like I was your equal, thank you for confiding in me, thank you for worrying about me, thank you for believing in me when nobody else did, thank you for being my friend (my best friend actually), thank you for teaching me about your ways, thank you for being a breath of fresh air, thank you for being you, thank you for being born, thank you for discovering new worlds with me, thank you for standing beside me. Thank you for reminding me of what love is supposed to feel like. It's because of you that I have come to learn and understand so many things, about myself and about the world. I appreciate all the moments we spent together. I love you. I'm in love with you and thank you for making me fall in love with you. I've never been so happy.
Thank you.
Just as I finish, it happens. Starts in my chest with a sharp pain, travels through my bloodstream straight to my head where there's a dull pain quickly turning into a headache. A whimper escapes me, it hurts so much. That's not what surprises me. I whimper because it's a familiar feeling, I've felt this before.
It seems like I've run out of time.
The last thing I see is Noel's incredulous (still handsome) face soon replaced by visions of a future that has yet to occur.
I see a dark sky.
I see a city.
Chaos is everywhere.
A dying Goddess.
A frozen clock.
A Savior.
A Hunter.
A Patron.
A boy that should no longer be a boy.
A mischievous mirror girl.
A Priestess.
I see the future twisting and unfolding before me and I'm powerless to do anything but watch. If I concentrate enough, I can almost make out Noel's voice calling out to me, his hand closing around my wrist.
And because I've seen it, the entire future, I know as well this is the last vision I'm ever gonna have. It's really ironic. I would laugh, if I was able to. It would have been a sad and pathetic laugh, not really worth listening to. For I knew that I would have to break his heart ventually, I just thought it would have been in a completely different way and definitely not so soon.
I couldn't even say goodbye.
I feel him panicking, screaming, his arms are around me and when did that happen?
I don't know. The only thing I know is this is too cruel and Noel despite not looking the part he's quite fragile and vulnerable. Then again he should have known from the start (just like I knew) that accompanying me in this journey through time was not going to be easy, was certainly going to be filled with heartache, loss and despair.
My vision goes dark; I can't see a single thing. My eyelids fall at the same time my knees decide to no longer support my weight.
He should have known that I was going to break his heart, it's my last thought before everything is swallowed by darkness.