CHAPTER 1
Understanding what life is like is hard. I know because I have been through this time after time after time again. All the heart breaks and lies, I never thought that being with a man for a long time would be so hard. All the fussing and fighting plus the women saying this and that about our relationship are getting on my damn nerves. Hi my name is Tiffany Johnson and I am 21 years old and I have been dating my boyfriend for the past 9 years. I have already had 2 of his kids: a 2 year old little girl name Nia and a 6 month old little boy name Antonio Jr. I have been trying to understand Antonio to this day, however I am done trying. My life has been hell since the day that I was born. I have been trying to put pieces together in my mind and it has not happen yet. I have been through men after men and I think that I have found the right one but I had to move. I came down here to live with my cousin because things happened where I live that has caused me to move and try to make a life for myself. My fiancé understands but I don't trust him being there without me because all those women that wanted to talk to him how I know that he is not fucking one of them. I don't want to think like that but what else do I do? I am trying but how much can I take.
ALICIA
Understanding people is the craziest thing. How can someone say that they love away and don't give a damn about you? And the things that you go through every day. 'I love you Alicia. And I will never hurt you.' I am tired of hearing this. Hi my name is Alicia Smith and I am 19 years old. My baby daddy said that he loved me before I gave birth to my now one month old daughter Kia and then after he started saying that she wasn't his and I slept with all his friends. And I didn't even do that. He calls me a ho, slut and it really hurts. I am better off alone then with him.
JASMINE
Understanding how a man can keep secrets from his wife is still the question that I have no answer too. I feel that my husband has been hiding something from me and I don't know what it is. I and my husband have been married for now 8 years now and I have 4 kids by him. 3 boys: 9 year old Christopher, 8 year old Kevin, 6 year old Jamair and my baby girl Mya. Life is rough with for kids and I am working and my husband isn't but I do for me and my kids. Everyone in my family doesn't want me with my husband but I don't understand why. Something's happened to my cousin and she decided to come down here to live with me. I am so happy that now I have someone to talk to. But there are a lot of things that my husband and I still have to work on and now that my cousin is here maybe she could watch the kids as me and him go out and talk about this problems in our marriage.
TIFFANY
On some days I and Antonio get alone so well. I guess he feels bad for blacking my eyes so he decides to take me and the kids out to dinner on him. I swear on some days that I love him to the point that I can't see myself with any other guy. "Tiffany, I know that I have told you this lately but I love you. And my kids and I want you to be with me for over. Would you marry me?" Antonio told me on one knee. It was the thing that I have always wanted but should I say yeah.
"Honey. Will you marry me?" he said again.
"Yes I will marry you." I said jumping into his arms. But sometimes I feel that I have made the wrong decisions. I remember when I first say Antonio I was in middle school. I had just moved from Virginia and I didn't know anyone here. So he had walked up to me.
"Hi my name is Antonio. Are you lost?" He said. I was not the type that talked a lot but when I saw him I knew that he was the one. So like a month later we started to go out. I never had problems with him until I had got pregnant at 17 and lost the baby. I never forgave him for that. Now he wants to get married. What am I going to do?
ALICIA
Having a small child and trying to go to school and work is so hard. I don't get any help for my daughter at all and it hurts. "Hey can you come and watch Kia for a few hours until my mother gets off of work." I said to my baby's father.
"That's not my daughter or my problem. Don't call my damn phone again." he said hanging up. I never knew that falling in love with a man that is so stupid and into themselves. My baby daddy already has like 10 kids by 8 females and he doesn't take care about none of his kids. When I first met him he was my everything that man would always come and get me and take me to places that I have never been. And then it changed after I got pregnant. After I got pregnant he started calling me a ho and trying to get his other baby mother to fight me and even his sister tried to fight me. But his mother knew that KIA is his baby. Sometimes a man can be so stupid and not know what the good thing it is that they have until they wake up and I am gone. How could you help someone and they don't even notice you after you have done all that you can to help them? Man, my cousin's boyfriend and she had got into an argument and things got physical and I got into the middle and got my ass whipped for it. I mean I did get me some hits because aint no nigga going to put their hands on her or me. And that is the way it is. I never thought that people would beat the hell out of you like he did. But I sit in the kitchen thinking about my life and it doesn't add up to me. How can me young women that try to do the best by people you at the end is treated like shit. I add up all the pain in my past and it just aint making any sense. I know that I do wrong but I am not all the way wrong is I. I know that she is going to go back with him. I know that I have made mistakes before but I know that well... But back to the situation at hand. Things are crazy here where my cousin lives is crazy. People can drop kick your ass if they want to and that is so sad. . Man I need to know what the hell to do now.
JASMINE
Never knowing my cousin was hard. And now that she is here I feel so much better knowing that she is here. My husband now has started to change I see that he don't talk to me about anything like he did in the past years after I gave birth to our 2nd child. My cousin is like my best friend. But I am too afraid to tell her everything that is going on in my life. "Stop hitting on your brother Chris." I yelled. I have to yell at my kids all the time and my husband doesn't do anything. I clean and cook and take care of the kids and all he does is drink him 3 beers and play his stupid X box and smoking up my cigarettes. I know that my husband years ago was falsely accused of raping someone and my family knows about it and wants me to leave him but I am going to stick beside my husband no matter what anyone say about because I was there and I talked to both sides and no one said that had really happen and I believe him. My auntie had came to get my cousin today and I know what it is that she is going to tell her because this whole family needs to mind their damn business because he never did anything like that. But I am not going to get into that right now. I NEVER THOUGHT THAT LIFE would HAVE A FUNNY WAY OF TEARING YOU DOWN. RIGHT WHEN YOU'RE DOING GOOD SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS. My life started as a fairy tale that just deals with a lot of ups and downs. I know that there is more that is meant for me but what is it.
TIFFANY
My cousin has moved into the house with me today because things aren't going right at my sister's house. I could've told her that but I just sat around and watched to see how things would've played out. I love my sisters don't get me wrong but they are sometimes too stuck up. They think that they are better than someone but in all reality they are not. My mother didn't raise us to think that one is better than the other. But you know what is so funny. I had her man before she did anyways but she says that I slept with him and all this stuff. I just don't know what to do with this man. How can you love a man so much to the point that you lose yourself. People do that all the time I bet. My boyfriend doesn't like my cousin. I don't know why but I don't want to ask why either. I don't feel like fighting and arguing with him at all right now. I am starting to feel like our family might be over because he don't get or understand what is going on in my life. My cousin has given me some advice that I listen to but I still deal with things my way. I love that she tries to help me but I still handle things my way.
ALICIA
People keep coming to me telling me that my baby daddy don't claim my daughter, saying that I don't know who my child's father is and I need to go find my child father and I need to stop saying that he is my daughters father. But I can't see why people is all in my damn business because they was not there when I laid down and fuck him or when I laid down and had my baby. So why are they all in my damn business? Sometimes I wonder if they want my life. My drama, my tears, my joyful baby girl. I mean my everything. As I laid my beautiful baby down in her crib. I looked at her knowing all the things it is that I have put her through. I feel so guilty like why do to I have put my daughter through this pain. I know that she can't feel it yet and I don't want her to. I can be the mother and the father to my daughter. She don't need a damn thing from a man not even one that can't claim their own baby. Living in my own home I have things that I have to do. I had to clean up my house and put my baby to bed. As I started clean up a knock came to my door. It's my daughter's father. "What are you doing here?" I said. "Look I want to see my daughter." he said trying to walk through the door. "OH NOW YOU WANT TO SEE MY DAUGHTER AFTER YOU IS GOING AROUND TELLING PEOPLE THAT SHE IS NOT YOURS." I said upset. "Look can I please come in and we talk about it." He said still trying to come in. I decided to let him in because we really needed to talk about the situation in hand.
JASMINE
I just got done cooking dinner for my kids and as the kids ate and they was getting on my nerves. "I want you to sit here and eat your food and behave or you won't get your dessert." I said. I tried to clean up the house so that way I can get ready to go to work in the morning but I couldn't because I still had to get the kids ready for bed, plus I get everyone clothes out for tomorrow. But I noticed that my husband has started acting a little too nice so I knew that he had got into something bad. I know that he had done something wrong. You know that you can always tell when a man does something wrong. First he didn't want anything to do with the kids or you and then he wants to take us out and spend time and money on us and its crazy because he only acts like that when he has done something wrong. "Honey so do you want to tell me what's going on?" I said sitting on the side of the bed. He wouldn't say a word he just looked at me like I was crazy or something but trust me I am not crazy I know what the hell it is that he has done. But you know what I am going to be a good mother to my kids and I can do me at the same time.
TIFFANY
Today starts the new day for my life. I have seen that men can't understand that you can't put your hands on a woman and think that you are going to stay with them they got to be out there damn minds. I am sorry you can only hit me once and then after that no. I don't know what got into him. I mean I have kids. I don't want them to see mommy and daddy fighting. To have my 2 year old daughter look at me and cry because I am bleeding all over the floor. It's just so crazy. I never knew a man to beat on a woman. And I got his kids are you serious. I mean things were never perfect. I just don't know what to do. I mean I love him but damn why must you beat in front of our kids and when I tell you to get out you come back begging me to let you come back because it would be different but I have heard that shit so many times that I just want this shit to be over. Me and him over. My friends tell me that I need to keep this man because he is a good man. But behind closed door you can never imagine what happens time after time again. The same thing and I am tired of it. I mean I have to small kids to raise so how I look staying in a relationship that might end my life. I got to think about my life and my kid's life. "Baby we need to talk about the fight today" Antonio said walking into the bedroom.
"I really don't want to talk about it right now. I am trying to put my baby to sleep." I said. I really don't want to hear it. I mean it crazy.
"Look honey. I am so sorry for hitting on you." He said laying Jr. Down. I don't know if it is his eyes or the way that we make love that make me fall back for him. I know I am fool for a little piece of dick but hell what woman don't.
ALICIA
I sit here still wondering why I am sitting here with him right now. I still can't get the answer it is that right now. "So what is it that you want from me?" I said looking into his eyes.
"I need to know if that baby is really mine. I mean she don't look like anyone in my family." he said. How dare him. You know what I mean. I don't understand how the man that took my childhood to make me into a woman can sit here and ask me that. I mean that I know that it may have seemed like I was fast but I not.
"How dare you ask me a question like that? When we were together it was all about us me and you. I never cheated or stepped out on you even now that we are done. And you got the nerves to say that my baby doesn't look like anyone in your family and that is a lie. You aint got to lie. If you don't want to take care of her then I can do it all by myself I don't need a man to do anything for my baby so if you're done please leave." I said walking him to the door. After he left I decided to go into my baby's room and looked at her. I wonder if I am doing the right thing for my baby. It's a question that I still can't get. But I need to know but I know that I am.
JASMINE
My husband has been out all day today and I sit at home wondering what it is that he is doing. I missed work today because my daughter is sick and there was no one there to watch my baby girl so I had to call in today. As soon as my husband came home I know that I had to get the answer to the questions that I need to know. I had got my kids wash up and ready for bed. I noticed that my husband has been in the room since he came into the room the while time that he has been home. I had to clean the kitchen with the food and the mess that my kids have made in the house. He never had help with the kids. I have tried to ask him to help me out but me never get a answer he just go and play that stupid x box. I am so tired of that. "Honey where was you at all day today?" I asked walking into the room.
"You don't ask me where I been at because I can go where ever I want to." He said. "Look I got a reason to ask. I am your wife. That mean I can ask you any damn thing it is that I want to." I said.
"You don't have any mean to ask me anything okay." he said getting upset.
"Yes I do me are you …" Before I knew it he had hit me. I fell to the floor and he started punching me. I cried it felt like my world was going to end. I decided to get my kids dress and go to my mother house. I knocked on the door. I knew just what my mother was going to say but I need to come here. Whenever I need my mother she is here. And that is what I always come to my mother for.
"Who is it?" she said coming to the door. "It is your daughter mom can please open the door." I said.
TIFFANY
I don't know what it is about him but damn. I still can't see myself being with him. But I just can't find someone that can love me with 2 small children. I had a doctor's appointment to check and see if I have any kinds of STDs but I found out that I am 3 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child. What am I going to do now that I am pregnant for the 3rd time? After I had my check up to see that the baby is doing well. So I decided to go home and tell Antonio that we are having another baby. Knowing him he is not going to be too happy with this one. After I gave birth to Jr. He said that he didn't want any more kids but he said that same thing after I had Nia but my kids are my life and I will have this baby no matter what he says. I hope it's another girl. I always wanted 2 girls and a boy. Tomorrow my baby girl turns 3 years old. I have a big party planned for her. "Nia baby girl what do you want for your birthday?" I said lying on the bed with her.
"A baby." she said. I am surprised about a lot of things that my little girl says.
"Well mommy is going to fix you something to eat and give you a bath. Okay sweetie
." I said kissing my daughter on the head. I remember when I was pregnant with Nia. I was in my last year in high school and I was in class and I started getting sick throwing up in the classroom after I eat everything. I was always sent to the nurse's office where she gave me a pregnancy test and it came out positive. I was so scared because I had to tell my mother and my ex boyfriend. See at that time me and Antonio was not together but we were still having sex. But after I seen my daughter I fell in love with her it was the first time that I had seen and held a baby that small. Nia was born 3lbs. And 2 oz. I had her small because I went in 2 months early because Antonio pushed me down the stairs. I couldn't believe it but I had my son early to. Jr weighed 2lbs. 0oz when he was born because I was thrown all around the house and everything. I never thought that a man would hit a pregnant woman. But he did.
ALICIA
After I told him to get out. I sat in my daughter's room for hours until she woke up. I never knew that a man can make you feel so low lower than you can ever imagine. I mean that I loved this man and now I can't stand his ass. He is just like his break no good dad. The only time that he wants to see my baby is when I have sex with him and I have stopped that because I am not going to give up the ass just for him to do the right thing. I mean damn what more can I do. Hell, I gave him his daughter. A beautiful little girl with a smile that would light up the world and even a room if you sit in it long enough. But was I right for kicking him out when he had something to offer? I still try to figure that out as I wash and put clothes on my little girl. A woman can take so much from a man but when it comes down to her daughter that's when it is different. I mean really different I don't give a damn about my baby daddy but I just want him to be there for our daughter. I have played the father role to long now it is his turn to be a father. I decided to call him back over. Crazy as hell as I feel but I got to do the right thing for my baby. As I put Kia into her playpen a knock came to my door.
"Come on in." I said sitting on the sofa.
"I was glad when you told me to come back over." he said walking into the house. As much as I hate to do this I have to.
"Look, I call you back over because I want you to be a part of Kia`s life but I want you to stop saying that she is not yours. I mean there will never be anymore us but I do want you to be there for your daughter. I mean I can do everything I can as a mother but I can't protect her from boys like her father can. I need your help." I said as he shut the door.
"First of all I never said that she wasn't my daughter and second I want to be with you and my daughter as a family but I can't if you keep on hating Me." he said sitting by me. Damn, what do I say now?
JASMINE
My husband is still acting like he is the nicest person in the world right now. I just came back from taking my baby girl to the doctor. She was getting a little bad cold and I don't play that when it comes down to my kids. "Honey where's my boys?" I said look for a good ass reason to why my sons are not in the house right now.
"Well, your sister came by and says that she was going to take them for a few hours." he said continuing to play his game. See, I hate that shit. He doesn't never call me and tell me when someone takes my kids somewhere. When Tiffany brings my kids back she looked like something was going on in her life. And being the oldest sister I had to step in and find out what is going on.
"Sis what's going on?" I asked as we walked into my room and closed the door.
"I am pregnant again and I don't know what I am going to do. I mean what I am going to do. Antonio doesn't want any more kids and I just don't want him to hit me anymore." I said with tears rolling down my face. I knew that my little sisters have been through a lot with just the three of us.
"Sweetie you love this man and I can see that but you got 2 beautiful kids to live everyday for. Antonio is a great dad and man but he has some ways that needs working on. Go see mom and ask her what to do." I said like that would have made her feel better. Our mother is a woman of wisdom. With 3 girls hell you have to be but me and my sisters are my mother's life I think without us she would have a hard time in life.
DESHAWN
As a mother I always raised my 3 daughters to take care of each other and protect each other and they have always have but sometimes they try a little too hard to try to keep a b ad man. My oldest daughter Jasmine is just like her father. Sweet, nice, friendly and compassionate. She will help others but that husband of her I don't agree with. He used, and abused my daughter and made her feel like shit but she is right there the way I was with her no good daddy. My 2nd oldest daughter Tiffany is out spoken like her daddy. That girl will tell you what's on her mind without thinking a 2nd about it. And y baby girl Alicia id just likes her mother. See Alicia's heart is a heart of gold because no matter what someone has done to her she tries to do better to them. See I raised my daughters not to look down on anyone because you never know what it is that that person has been through in their life. I raised them to respect one another because at the end of the day all you have is family. I had to find out the hard way. When my kids were little there fathers never did anything for any of them. Yes I have 3 kids with 3 different baby fathers. But I always told myself that I will raise my girls up to never wait for a man to do something that you can do yourself. And they all have showed me that they can't but except Alicia. She is trying to do without a man but she wants the man there for his child but I love my girls no matter what path the take. Momma always got their backs.
TIFFANY
After coming from my sister's house I decided to take a walk to my mother's house being that she haven't seen the kids in a few days. My mother is a wise woman she helps me out every time that I need some help. "Good afternoon mom." I said putting the baby down on the floor and Nia ran to my mother and jumped into her arms.
"Tiffany every time I see you it seem like something is wrong so what's going on." she said. My mother is not the type of person that will hide anything that she sees.
"Well I am pregnant again. And I feel that Antonio is going to cause me to lose the baby how he is acting. Mom I am scared like I don't want my kids to see me cry all the time and I don't have…" I started.
"Baby girl I have done told you. Life brings a lot of ups and downs. But you got to make a decision that is your life better with this man or without this man. You got to make that decision baby. I can't make it for you but what I can tell you is that I want you to be happy no matter what your decision is." my mom said. I kissed my mom on the check and sat down and watch a little bit of television with her. That when my sister Alicia came into the room.
"Hey mommy." she said putting the baby on the bed.
"Hey baby girl. What are you up too?" she asked.
"Nothing just taking care of my daughter and trying to do what I have too. But how are you today mom?" she said sitting down.
"Look mom I am going to go so I will see you later I got to get these kids ready for bed." I said picking up my baby and putting Nia `s jacket on and I left. When I got home I knew that Antonio wasn't home. Again his ass is not home I don't know if I can handle this anymore. I can't stand this shit now. He asks like he can't understand hell. I just went ahead and feed my kids and get them ready for bed. When he did finally get him I knew that it was going to be a fight. "Where the hell where you at?" I asked pissed off. "Look you don't come to me like that first of all and second of all any of your damn business. Now excuse me." he said. I just decided to get my locks changed he will not come back in here. And I mean that.
ALICIA
Sitting with my mom is a blessing. I mean I never have a chance to see my mother that often and I live here din the same city as her. But it is not my fault. I just had some problems with my mom. "I am glad to see you Alicia." my mom saying trying to hug me.
"No mom. I still remember what happened. You trying to walk around here like nothing ever happened when you know it did. I had to take a blood test to prove that he is my daughter's father. Why? Because my mom never believed me. And I do mean never. Mom you are my mom you are never supposed to go against me but you did." I said crying.
"Sweetie, I am sorry. Look at that time I felt bad but that gave me no reason to say that you are a liar. I am sorry. But it is getting late. Take my granddaughter home." she said kissing my forehead and kissing Kia. I got up and wrapped my baby in the blankets and headed out the house. I placed Kia into the stroller and headed down the street. When I got back to my apartment my baby was asleep and I placed her in her crib and I went and started cleaning up my house. Then my phone had rung.
"Hello." I said answering the door. "Hey baby girl." my dad said.
"Hi, daddy. What are you up you to?" I said starting a load of clothes.
"Oh nothing just wanting to come by tomorrow to spend time with you and my granddaughter." he said.
"Okay daddy well I will see you when you come over." I said hanging up the phone to finish my clothes while my baby girl sleeps. I was so tired I decided to go to sleep. But being that my work is not finish I just turned on the television and watched it until I got my work finish. By the time that I got finish my little angel was awake so I had to get her cleaned up and changed and I put her back to sleep.
JASMINE
After that stuff that my husband did by not telling me that my kids were with my sister had made me mad. I don't mind if they can take my boys but damn let me know I mean I am the mother of these kids and if anything happen to my kids I will be upset with my husband because he was the one that let my kids go without letting me know. I knew that I had to go and visit my mommy because I haven't seen her in a week. So I decided to get my kids dress and drove over to my mom's house but I got to go and see my baby sister and see if everything is going okay. I pulled up to her apartment and got the kids out of the car and went and knocked on her door.
"Hey big sis." she said opening the door.
"I am going to see mom today then I was going to go out to dinner after do you want to come." I said playing with my niece.
"Yeah just let me clean up and get us dress." she said grabbing Kia.
"Alright I will be back to get ya." I said picking up my baby girl and heading back to the car. When I got to my mom's house she wasn't there so I just went back to my sister's house and waited to she got ready. I never saw such a clean person like my little sister. If there is a spot on the floor she is cleaning it up. But that is how we was raised my mother hated a dirty house. But when I did get back home from spending hours with my sister, my niece and my kids. I had to come home to a mess up house. OH HELL NO! "Mommy, would you like me to help you?" Christopher asked.
"No go ahead and play baby mommy got it." I said kissing him on his head.
CHRISTOPHER
I always see my mommy cleaning up the house, cooking and taking care of us. Me, my brother Kevin, my brother Jamair and my little sister Nia. I mean my mommy does everything she makes sure we get on the bus and get to school. She also makes sure that we have clean and new clothes and shoes. This week my mommy brought us all like 2 pairs of Jordan's a piece. My dad is never home or spend any time with us like mommy does and I love my mommy and my daddy but my mommy more because she is there.