Author's Notes: Finally posting a new story after forever. This will be a multi-part fic (exact number of chapters TBD), which is still something (relatively) new to me. Other than The Search for Something More, all my stories have been one-shots. So, this will be interesting, to say the least. Not a ground-breaking idea for a story, I know, but one that wouldn't leave me alone. The first two chapters will be fairly short as I introduce Haley and Nathan and a bit of their backstories, but the remaining chapters will be longer.
Inspired by Peter Gabriel's song "In Your Eyes." I hope you enjoy and any feedback would be greatly appreciated!
Disclaimer: Not mine. Will never be mine.
Chapter One – This Emptiness Fills My Heart
The alcohol burned as she swallowed. She licked her lips, not wanting to miss a drop. Nearly every night she came into the bar, not seeking company other than the glass in front of her. She hardly spoke, except to order another drink, and if anyone dared approach her, he quickly learned that she was not in the mood for company. Her friends were whiskey (whiskey was a good friend), sometimes bourbon, but mostly vodka (vodka was a very good friend). She drank because she hurt, and the alcohol made her forget, at least for awhile, the pain that ate away at her every day, leaving her breathless and wondering how she got to this place. She drank until the pain went away. She drank until his voice, or the memories of her, disappeared. She drank until she felt nothing, and then, only then, did she feel a sense of accomplishment for the day. Sometimes that took two drinks, sometimes it took more, but she drank until the only thing that mattered was the pleasant numbness that kept her going.
She may have been a spectacular failure at life and love, but when it came to alcohol, Haley James was a roaring success.
It wasn't always that way. She used to have everything she had ever dreamed of as a little girl. The perfect job, the loving boyfriend, supportive family and friends. Then, it all disappeared, one by one, and all she could do was watch as her life crumbled around her.
Sometimes she wondered what her life would be like if one or two things had been different. If she hadn't come home early that day, or if she hadn't missed that phone call…. But that wasn't her reality. Her reality was this bar and the drink in front of her.
She raised the glass and took another sip, grimacing slightly at the icy bite of the liquor. She remained in solitude, the alcohol her only companion, until she felt someone sit next to her and heard the raspy voice she knew as well as her own.
"The lonely drunk at the bar is a little played out, isn't it?"
Haley snorted. "I could say the same for you. Come to rescue me again?"
"Are you admitting you need rescuing?"
Haley glanced at the person beside her and couldn't stop the small smile that graced her lips. For all that she had lost, there remained one good thing in her life: her friendship with Brooke Davis.
She met Brooke at the University of North Carolina at the beginning of their sophomore year. They lived next door to each other in the dorm, and Haley literally ran into Brooke on move in day, when she stumbled while carrying a box of clothes and fell onto the pretty brunette. An elbow to the head, a profuse round of apologies, and one lunch later, the two were fast friends and remained inseparable through their remaining years at UNC. The two were polar opposites: Brooke, the bubbly cheerleader who chased boys and clothes with the same passion, and Haley, the quiet, studious tutor who preferred to remain on the sidelines. Although different in nature, the girls had one thing in common: they would do anything for the other.
Their friendship grew quickly as Brooke encouraged Haley to step out of the shadows and tap into her hidden "bad girl" and Haley brought a sense of calmness and maturity to the cheerleader's sometimes chaotic world. They were each other's rock, sounding board, fashion consultant, tutor…. They were Cheer Slut and Tutor Girl (Brooke's self-appointed nicknames for the duo) and neither could imagine a day when they wouldn't be best friends.
"Why? Are you my Prince Charming?" Haley laughed.
Brooke rolled her eyes. "Please. My lesbian phase was so college." She flashed a quick grin, but it faded when she noticed the glassy haze to Haley's eyes. She wasn't too far gone yet, but Brooke knew that if Haley finished the drink she had, it wouldn't be long before she was totally drunk. She needed to get her friend out of the bar now, before it got worse.
"What do you say we get some ice cream, pick up a cheesy romance movie or two, and have a girls' night in at my place?" Brooke asked.
Haley shrugged, not really caring. She knew what Brooke was doing, and the tiny voice in her head that hadn't yet been drowned out by the alcohol told her to go. To get up and leave, walk out of the bar and do something so innocent like pigging out on ice cream and watching movies. She couldn't remember the last time she engaged in such carefree behavior.
Besides, she had noticed Brooke talking to the bartender Owen when she walked into the bar and Haley knew her friend had told him to cut her off. If she couldn't drink to oblivion at the bar, she could do it at Brooke's house.
"Why not? I can always pick up some wine at the grocery store," Haley said as she slowly stood, being careful to keep her hand on the bar as a way to steady herself. The last thing she needed was to fall and make a fool of herself.
"Haley," Brooke warned, "no drinking, okay? Can… can you handle that?"
Haley rolled her eyes. She knew that Brooke's question was valid, she hadn't done much over the last six months to make Brooke think otherwise, but it still annoyed her it had to be asked.
"Yes, Brooke," she replied, her words dripping with the sarcasm she had always been known for. "I think I can handle one night with alcohol."
Although, if she was honest with herself, she wasn't too sure. Without alcohol, everything became more real. The truth of her life, and how she had screwed up over the last six months, couldn't be so easily ignored.
She felt Brooke's eyes on her as she leaned down to grab her purse, only slightly swaying as she stood back up. Just one step at a time, she told herself as she made her way to the door, Brooke falling in step next to her.
"Can—can you mak—"
Before Brooke could finish, Haley shot her a glare. "Yes, Brooke. I am perfectly capable of walking on my own. I may be a drunk, but I can walk."
Like with everything else in her life, Haley ignored the small stumbles she took as she made her way to Brooke's car.
One stop at the video store and another at the grocery store (where Brooke made sure to get Haley's favorite ice cream, mint chocolate chip, a gesture that made Haley smile) later, they were back at Brooke's apartment, curled up on the couch in comfy pajamas, two spoons in hand. Brooke grabbed the remote and started the movie before opening her container of butter pecan ice cream.
"I love this movie," she signed as the opening credits of The Notebook appeared on screen.
"I know, Brookie. We've only watched it a million times," Haley laughed as she dug her spoon through her ice cream.
Brooke scoffed. "Please, I wasn't the one who said she was going to marry Ryan Gosling."
"Brooke! That was like eight years ago when we were in college! And I was kidding!"
"Mmm-hmm, yeah right, Tutor Girl. I believe you were the one to have, hmm… how shall I phrase it? Oh yeah, naughty, dirty sex dreams about him!" Brooke giggled at the indignant look on her friend's face.
Haley lightly kicked Brooke. "You are awful, Brooke Davis. Why am I friends with you again?"
"Because you love and adore me," Brooke teased in a sing-song voice.
"Yeah, yeah. Maybe," Haley grumbled. "You're just lucky I do."
The two friends sat in companionable silence as they watched the movie. It reminded Haley of nights during college when ice cream and a sappy romantic movie were the cure-alls for anything that ailed them. Bad grade in class, a break-up, fight with parents… there was nothing Ryan Gosling and ice cream couldn't fix once upon a time. For a moment, she wished it were still that simple, that all that was broken inside her could be healed with something as simple as a Friday night with her best friend and The Notebook. If she closed her eyes, she could picture herself back in the dorm room she shared with Brooke their junior and senior years, where they laughed and cried and loved and fought and everything seemed so easy and their dreams were within reach.
For a moment, Haley was at peace. She was with her best friend and she could almost imagine that everything was okay. That she wasn't the shell of the girl she had once been, the alcohol leaving her life in shatters. She was simply Haley.
"We haven't done this in a long time," Brooke said, breaking the silence. "Reminds me of—"
"College. I was just thinking the same thing," Haley spoke softly, her gaze focusing on the blanket that covered her legs. She picked at the fleece blanket, studiously avoiding Brooke's gaze. She couldn't stand the pity she found in her friend's eyes.
"It's nice, hanging out like we used to, before…" Brooke trailed off, unsure of how to continue.
Haley remained silent, throat clogging with the words she desperately wanted to say but couldn't. Maybe if she talked about what had happened, if she forced herself to confront the demons that haunted her, she could begin to heal. Maybe this was her opening, her opportunity to deal with the events of the last six months. Maybe this had been Brooke's plan all along, to lull her into a false sense of peace, of familiarity enough so that Haley felt she could finally open up.
It would be so easy, just open her mouth and tell Brooke everything she had been feeling since that phone call six months ago. Confess her sins, unburden her soul from the aching pain that threatened to consume her every day. Just a few simple words and she could begin to heal.
But things weren't that simple, and they hadn't been for a long time. She had done too much, fallen too far, to ever be whole again.