Dedicated to Sylvain. Bonne fête mon ami.

Betwixt

I can hear birdsong and the soft humming of a bee. A gentle breeze caresses my face, and I hear that same current of air whisper through the trees.

I find it all so soothing, so calm and restful. I don't want to open my eyes, I don't want to break the spell... but I know I have to.

My eyes open and I blink against the sun. It's so very bright, and the sky it hovers in a deep shade of blue, there's not one cloud to be seen, only doves on the wing.

I look around me, trying to get my bearings. I'm surrounded by lush green pasture, field upon field where wild flowers dance to and fro. Leaf laden trees stand proud beside a trickling stream, and heather clad hills frame the horizon. It's all so beautiful, so perfect. It looks familiar, something tells me I should know this place... but I don't.

I don't know where I am! I don't know why I'm here... yes I do, I'm waiting for someone.

Suddenly I'm uneasy, I know something is wrong. What though? My mind is awash with questions, my sense of peace gone. I don't even know how I got here, the last thing I remember is... is... no I'm not sure what I remember, and I don't think I want to...

I can see someone in the distance. I think he's walking in my direction, yes he's coming towards me. I know this is the man I'm waiting for but I don't know who he is... at least I don't think I do.

As he draws closer I see that his dark hair is curly, that a neat beard adorns his face, and his brown eyes radiate a reassuring warmth. He looks familiar. I know I've seen him before, I just can't remember where. I've maybe seen a picture of him? That has to be it because I'm sure we've never met.

A name pops into my head but I quickly dismiss it. I'm being ridiculous, it can't be him, he's dead! But it is him! It's Jackson! "What the.." The words erupt from my mouth as fear grips me.

"Hi Robert"

I'm thrown by his cheerful greeting, it's like we're old friends, and how does he know my name?

"Don't be scared, you're safe here."

I'm confused now, and despite what he's just said I'm more scared than I've ever been in my life. This has to be a dream, a nightmare, how else could I be talking to a dead man?

"It's not a dream."

He knows what I'm thinking! "What is this, what do you want?"

"You wanted to talk to me, I'm here on your bidding."

"What?" What was he talking about? Why would I want to talk to him?

"You wanted to get a few things off your chest. Well you'd best get on with it. There isn't much time, you have to go back soon."

"Back? Back where?"

Jackson points down at what just seconds ago was a patch of clover, only now it's a picture...no not a picture... there's movement. I realise with a jolt that's it's a window...and that I'm looking through that window into another world! A world I know so very well. I drop to my knees and peer at life on the other side.

I can see Aaron, he looks worried, upset. I hate seeing him like that, I want to put right whatever it is that's troubling him. I realise he's sitting by a hospital bed, well that explains his concern. I hope it's not Liv that's ill, or his mum or Paddy, if anything was to happen to one of them he'd... a little more is revealed and I see it's not one of them... it's me. But how can that be? I don't understand, I can't make sense of what I'm seeing. I look at Jackson, knowing he can explain.

"You got into an argument with a bus... and you lost!"

I remember now. I was supposed to be meeting Aaron at a club, but I was running really late. I got out of the taxi and I could see him waiting by the club's entrance. I didn't think about the traffic, I just ran across the road. There was a squeal of brakes, a sickening pain in my head and then nothing... until I opened my eyes and found myself here.

I stare down at 'me' I don't like what I see, I look in a bad way, my face is badly bruised, my eyelids swollen, blood is dripping into my arm, and a machine is breathing for me. Am I dying?

"No, It's not your time and anyway... Aaron needs you."

Out of nowhere the anger rises in my chest and quickly intensifies. I jump to my feet and round on Jackson, "He needed you! How could you ask that of him? He went through hell, he..."

"I know and I'm truly sorry..."

"Sorry?" Like saying sorry made a difference.

"It wasn't meant to happen that way, I thought he would be allowed to grieve and move on. I loved him and I believed I was doing what was best for both of us."

"But it wasn't what he wanted."

"No, but he loved me enough to let me go. It took a while but he got passed the anger and the pain. And you have to let go of the anger you feel towards me."

"What?"

"Aaron doesn't understand it, he put's it down to jealousy..."

"I'm not jealous of you!" He wasn't and he never had been, he'd only ever felt anger towards Jackson, his death had caused Aaron so much emotional pain and he held Jackson solely responsible. Aaron had slowly told him everything and he'd managed not to show the anger he felt, but that anger had manifested itself in other ways. In the past he'd used Jackson to hurt Aaron, wielding him like a weapon when they argued or on the numerous times they broke up. More recently he would make a sarcastic comment if ever his name was mentioned, especially if Aaron talked about him. He realised now that Aaron hadn't mentioned Jackson in a while, that he probably thought he couldn't without causing bad feeling between them. That was't fair and it wasn't right. How could he have been so thoughtless, so cruel? The truth was it was typical of him, it was the way he was wired. Jackson was right he had to let go of that anger or one day it would come between him and Aaron.

"Jackson..."

"It's time for you to go."

"But I... " he wasn't ready, there were things he wanted to say, things he wanted to know, "...please, just a little longer..."

"You won't remember anything we say, just like you don't remember the last time you were here.

"The last time?"

"When you were shot."

So that was why his surroundings looked familiar. "Did I speak to you then?"

"No, not to me."

But he had spoken to someone? "Who then?"

"Katie."

"Katie?"

"Your conscience has a voice, you asked her to come."

"I don't remember." Half of him wished he did the other half was relieved he didn't, but then what was the point of such meetings if you didn't remember them after.

"Just know your soul's a little lighter now because of it, like anger, guilt is a heavy burden to carry."

"She forgave me?" My voice echo's my disbelief.

"All you need to do now is forgive yourself."

I'm suddenly uneasy under Jackson's gaze, I look down through the window needing a distraction. I'm still lying there, Aaron is holding my hand, and he's talking to me... "What's he saying? I can't hear him." I turn to look at Jackson, he'll know... but he's gone. I'm all alone and as beautiful and as peaceful as this place is I don't want to be here.

So what now? What do I do now?

I'm suddenly tired and I realise what it is I have to do. I close my eyes ...

End.