A/N: So, I've spent probably almost a year not uploading this bc fanfiction guidelines is all "no chatfics". But people seemed to be getting a kick out of it so I decided to upload it anyway. This is cross-posted from AO3, (and tbh I really recommend reading it there, there are a lot of formatting shenanigans that fanfiction doesn't allow and were tragically erased). It is the spiritual companion to my other Les Mis fic "I'll Do Anything". This does aspire to take place in a larger series, but the gist of it is Courfeyrac has not met anyone but Combeferre, Feuilly is currently about 3 time zones away from the rest of the Amis to pursue a journalism career, I accidentally forgot Bahorel when I wrote this so he has likewise not met the rest of the Amis yet but is in the same city as Feuilly.
For reference:
Enjolras – REDLEADER
Combeferre – moth-ER
Grantaire – $1000R
Joly – mr-clean
Feuilly – 9-5andcounting
Bossuet – BossTheBoss
Jehan – rad(ish)
Eponine – betterthanu
Cosette – thelark
Musichetta - chedda
Eponine has receipts. This is an unacknowledged, yet universal truth that all who know her are inherently aware of. She has screenshots, a lot of them, and she is not picky about which moments of her friends' humiliation she chooses to immortalize. If there is the potential for future drama, or if she believes the event should never be lived down she has likely already backed it up on three separate hard drives. No one is safe.
Joly's cryptid sighting is just one event of many.
mr-clean has added $1000R, moth-ER, 9-5andcounting, BosstheBoss, betterthanu, rad(ish), and REDLEADER to BIGFOOT IS REAL
mr-clean: [attached image] omg guys look!
$1000R: wtf am i looking at?
mr-clean: theres been a bigfoot sighting!
9-5andcounting: joly it is literally 2 in the morning
i have work in 3 hours
why
$1000R: 9-5andcounting lol not over here
9-5andcounting: fuck u
rad(ish): Uhhhh, i hate to break this to u joly but…it just looks like a brown/tan blur
mr-clean: its clearly a shaggy monster
look its even by the woods
moth-ER: the trees that separate murell from the park hardly count as woods joly
there r houses right there
mr-clean: if its big enough to have a zika-infested mosquito breeding ground its big enough to be woods
9-5andcounting: that thing is bearly a puddle tho?
$1000R: u dont even liv here anymore
besides
it could be a monster if u squint and turn ur head
mr-clean: thank u R
betterthanu: who tf ever what are we shouting about?
9-5andcounting: nothing!
moth-ER: Joly thinks he saw bigfoot
9-5andcounting: NOTHING
betterthanu: lol wut
9-5andcounting: G
$1000R: jehan doesnt agree
rad(ish): It just doesnt look like anything is all
Besides im in that park all the time I think I wouldve seen bigfoot by now
9-5andcounting: give me peace i am begging u
mr-clean: rad(ish) jehan ur supposed to be on my side
BossTheBoss: don't worry babe i think it looks like bigfoot
mr-clean: 3
$1000R: ok so am i but BossTheBoss ur super biased tho
rad(ish): ^^^
9-5andcounting: can i go back to sleep now?
betterthanu: no dude whats ur opinion
mr-clean: yeah feuilly what do u think?
9-5andcounting: i think its 2 in the morning
BossTheBoss: come to our side
we r winning 3 v 2
rad(ish): who else is on my side?
$1000R: lol theres no way ferre thinks its bigfoot
moth-ER: I havent said anything
betterthanu: yah but u and enj r no fun
btw im on ur side joly
mr-clean: YAY!
BossTheBoss: 4 v 2
moth-ER: Ok no I dont think its bigfoot
But betterthanu I object to being called no fun
Enj and I are plenty fun
betterthanu: rad(ish) srsly tho why arent u on jolys side?
rad(ish): i believe in meditation and yoga
not bigfoot
and why r u?
betterthanu: pfft tru bigfoot isnt real
shit in the pic is 2 tiny 2 b bigfoot nyway
moth-ER: A valid point
$1000R: T8TOR! betterthanu R
betterthanu: lol suk it R
BossTheBoss: hey 9-5andcounting u fall back asleep?
9-5andcounting: i wish
my phone keeps buzzing
i hate u all
betterthanu: u pick a side and we stfu
$1000R: but can we back up tho
betterthanu ponine why r u 4saking me?
i thought me&u 4ever?
why must u betray me this way?
betterthanu: R ur a dramatic asshole
mr-clean: pick a siiiiiiiiiiiiide fueilly
moth-ER: 9-5andcounting its best to just get this over with Feuilly
9-5andcounting: if u think im on your side after u spelled my name wrong think again
im deleting this app now
9-5andcounting has left the chat
mr-clean: NOOO IM SORRY FEUILLY I DIDNT MEAN TO COME BACK
BossTheBoss: 3 v 4
this is unacceptable
i'm calling in reinforcements
BossTheBoss has added thelark and chedda to BIGFOOT IS REAL
thelark: Hey guys! What's going on? :)
chedda: Bossuet said it was important
mr-clean: musichetta my love!
and cosette!
help my cause
chedda: aw babe of course
BossTheBoss: 4 v 4
rad(ish): ok now this is rly cheating
i protest
moth-ER: Very underhand BossTheBoss
Very unfair
$1000R: BossTheBoss i liek it :))))))
BossTheBoss: no shame
thelark: What are we keeping score of?
mr-clean: [attached image] doesnt this look like bigfoot?
[attached image] here look i even found a comparison
[attached image] i photoshopped them side by side!
its totally bigfoot right here in our very own town im telling you guys
thelark: Um…I don't think that's Bigfoot…
$1000R: no! cosette! dont do this!
DON'T BELIEVE THEIR LIES THE CONSPIRACY IS REAL BIGFOOT IS OUT THERE AND JOLY IS THE WISTLEBLOWER THIS WORLD NEEDS!
chedda: wow R used actual real spelling and grammar
despite the capslock i think he's finally graduated middle school
$1000R: chedda ok ow
rude
i can totes spell gud
chedda: i'll believe it when you do it more than twice a month
betterthanu: ice 4 that burn R?
$1000R: u literally hav no rite to tlk
rad(ish): c'mon R we all know u just do it to annoy enj
moth-ER: thelark where is he anyway? He can't usually ignore the chat for this long
thelark: He's really into summer work right now. It's annoying because I go back to school soon and I won't see him again until winter break.
moth-ER: You've still got a month left
mr-clean: no but he can keep ignoring the chat its ok
he wont believe and this is a matter of life and death
rad(ish): thelark you should totally get him here rn immediately
mr-clean: but he wont believe tho
moth-ER: Joly if Bossuet can call Musichetta and Cosette to inflate your score Jehan can call Enjolras
mr-clean: fine
$1000R: momferre
betterthanu: isnt he always
mr-clean: but back to bigfoot tho
chedda: yeah i'm still surprised thelark you usually love a good mystery
BossTheBoss: its not a mystery dear its bigfoot
rad(ish): the only mystery is who it actually is
bc it is clearly a person
moth-ER: Oh no what if they're homeless and that's why they r wandering around so late?
Cosette u need to get Enj
thelark: Wait you guys really can't tell?
mr-clean: of course we can tell
at least some of us can
its bigfoot not a homeless man
rad(ish): ok but what if it rly is a homeless person?
their shelter is on the other side of town
BosstheBoss: mr-clean babe when did you take the photo?
mr-clean: i didnt take it but it was on facebook yesterday
chedda: so they've been here at least one night
$1000R: nothng we can do
got cops there all nite they were probs arrested by now
rad(ish): and if not?
$1000R: we cant jus make em move if they dnt want 2
thelark: You're all not serious are you?
You're just kidding?
mr-clean: ok i feel rly bad now it's the rainy season he can get all sorts of sickness being outside in the rain at night how do we help
$1000R: i told u the cops probs got it covered
betterthanu: tbh Rs right u guys
the houses next 2 murell r the rly nice ones the police r always there making sure no1 is smoking pot at nite
if he rly is homeless they defs found him by now
thelark: This is hilarious omg. I'm getting Enjolras right now his summer classes can wait.
thelark has left the chat
BossTheBoss: ok why wasnt cosette concerned?
chedda: yeah that wasn't like her at all
rad(ish): shes usually v passionate about helping ppl
betterthanu: i think she knows smth u dont
$1000R: ^^^
BossTheBoss: *we
betterthanu: lol no
REDLEADER: Grantaire did you change my username again?
$1000R: lol no
REDLEADER: Please stop.
$1000R: lol no
REDLEADER: You know what I don't care that much.
Okay, Cosette came into my room laughing and telling me I had to check the group chat. She's stolen my laptop and won't give it back until you guys tell me what is going on.
So what's going on?
mr-clean: ok so i saw this on facebook yesterday and i thought it was funny bc bigfoot and i wanted 2 share it with u so i made this chat and we all started arguing on whether or not it was bigfoot nd we brogt in cos and chetta bc jehan ddnt think it was and i wanted more ppl on my sid eand now we think it might be some1 who rly needs help and idk i feel rly guilty
REDLEADER: That doesn't explain why Cosette was laughing.
rad(ish): show him the pic
mr-clean: oh yeah
[attached image]
REDLEADER: …
You're not serious are you?
mr-clean: ?
cosette asked the same thing?
$1000R: r u ok REDLEADER
u wrnt replaced by aliens?
moth-ER: Tbh Enjolras i don't understand either…
REDLEADER: Guys that is me.
betterthanu: wait wut?
REDLEADER: Oh my god. Really? Combeferre, I'm by our apartment. That's the blanket from the living room? My favorite one? You've all been to our apartment so you've seen it? R you gave it to me as a graduation gift? We've all been friends for years? Combeferre you live with me? You seriously had no idea? My hair is right there?
betterthanu: lol that explains the tiny
ur super smol enj
REDLEADER: So I've been told. Repeatedly.
$1000R: omg o d its ur cuddle blanket
the 1 u use 4 pjs
REDLEADER: Yes? I wore it the other night to rescue moth-ER from his own stupidity. That's likely when the picture was taken.
moth-ER: Ok look...
1. I dont deserve this
2. I met a cute boy leave me alone
betterthanu: lol pajama bigfoot
mr-clean: omg im gonna go die now omg im so sorry every1
mr-clean has deleted BIGFOOT IS REAL
I had so much fun with this you have no idea. Also: big shoutout to fanfiction for recognizing mr clean as a brand name and forcing me to go and literally insert not only that awkward introductory paragraph but Joly's entire existence in this story. Kudos fanfiction, kudos. I hope you all enjoyed!