All Messed Up

by China Dolly

Ryou is thinking he's going insane. But is he? Will someone help him from his Yami and make him realise things? Abusive Language- angst- Shounen-ai RxYM Please R&R

Titel: All Messed up

Song: All messed up – Sum41

Warnings: abusive language – shounen ai – angst

Disclaimer: Don't own Yu-Gi-Oh or any of the characthers

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All messed up

Laura Janssen

Damn the Sennen Ring, and damn Bakura. Who ever got the idea the Sennen Ring belonged to me, was highly insane. My father. So my father is highly insane, but if my father is highly insane. I am too. But that isn't a big surprise. From the moment I've been born my life has been a living hell. And when I got the Sennen Ring, a Yami, a Darkness that should've helped, completed me, I thought it would all become better. But it didn't. It only got worse.

From the moment my Yami appeared, things went downhill. I got beaten, yelled at and locked up. But that isn't the worst. The worst times are when I'm at school. Yugi, his Yami and everybody else is worrying about me. But they don't know it's unnecessary.

They don't know that it's wrong to worry about me. The only thing that they do, they don't realise. They waste my time. The time I have alone. Alone and without my Yami. They waste it, everyday. Day in and day out. At days they waste my time and at nights I have my Yami to take care of that. But which one is worse?

People pretending to be my friends, or a Yami that doesn't give a fucking damn about me? I don't know. The worrying is fake, the beatings are real. What should I care abut? Reality or just a mere play of words and looks.

I don't know, and it's not really that interesting. The only thing that I know is that they are wasting the time I have left. The time that I am, in everybody's eyes, still sane. In my eyes I am not, never been so. So I let them. I let them waste my time, because it's been done my whole life. And my whole life is just the same.

A. Waste. Of. Time.

another day wasted

out of time

I can't get out of this

altered state of mind

Now I'm laying on the hard, stone, cold flour of my apartment. I turn up my nose. The whole room is reeking of dried, stained blood. The smell stays hanging in the air and it makes the air seem thicker than it already is.

Slowly I push myself up with my, already, bruised and bleeding arms. I try to sit but fall back on the ground when the hard hit of a familiar fist hits my stomach. I moan as I feel a little blood escaping my mouth and the copper taste of blood lingers on my tongue.

'Pathetic little Hikari.' I hear my Yami. It seems like he almost spits the words to me. I hear hallow footsteps on the floor and a door slam shut.

I am alone again. Finally alone. I put my hands on the ground and push myself up. I moan softly at the pain that courses through my arms but don't stop until I am sitting on both my knees. My whole body is aching. Dried blood is sticking on me all over my body and cold sweat runs down my back and chest.

Suddenly a small smile appears on my face. I don't know, but I feel like laughing. I grin and throw my head back. I just let go, and laugh. Whoever would walk in on me, would think I am insane. But I don't mind, I just feel like laughing.

I'm going overboard

my conscience meets decline

into reality

I know this cant be fine

Like that I sit on the ground. Covered in blood and bruises, but laughing like a madman. Suddenly I realise something. I would go to Yugi's this afternoon.

Shit.

He'll come looking for me with that friends of his. His friends, they also call them mine. Bullshit! It's all just pity 'cause I have a Yami that hurts me.

Well, I can better get going to Yugi. I really don't want him to come in my house. His heart would break, he's too innocent. I sigh and smile. Yeah, Yugi is one of the few that doesn't always asks questions about Bakura. Maybe he's a friend, just maybe he's my friend.

'cause I'm all messed up

making perfect nonsense

drowning in my doubt

After five long, painful minutes I am standing on both my legs and I'm walking out the door of the apartment Bakura and I share. I stumble over the road. I can feel people staring, pointing. They're asking themselves what on Earth could've happened to me, but they don't do a thing. They don't ask if I'm alright, they just stare. Like I'm some sort of freak, something that isn't really there.

Stupid people. I may be insane, but that doesn't make me a freak.

As I walk further I enter the park. It's beautiful. It keeps such innocence, even if it isn't a person. The blossoming pinkish blossom hangs freely on the, with green leaves filled, branches. The grass is short, but growing and the sun shines down softly.

But still, the park is almost empty. I come across an empty bench and sink down on it.

Yugi will wait. He always does. I just need to think a bit right now.

Deep down I know I should go, or he'll worry. I sigh. Thinking won't work. I know that already, but still...

I know it's hard to keep a track on your thoughts when all they are is just rubbish. Nothing more and nothing less. But I will try to keep a track on them. It's not a that good thing to have your thoughts running a mile in front of you and you have to follow slowly. That won't work.

Keeping my thoughts in track is just a delay of execution. Delay of insanity.

I know it's just ordinary nonsense. That it doesn't make any sense. Since I'm already insane.

I sit there, staring and realising that this doesn't lead to anywhere. But still, I don't stand up or walk away. 'cause thinking eases the pain. It makes me forget it for a moment. And I want to, want to forget.

But nobody can make me. Not yet. Or maybe someone can and I am just to stupid, to blind to see so. Not that I care. Thinking is a good solution I decide.

cause I'm all messed up

going nowhere fast

but circles in my mind

so blind

I bow my head as footsteps are nearing me. So someone decided to go to the park. Great. Just great.

I think with bitter irony. I'm falling apart, and only than people come. I look at my feet, realising that I still haven't bandaged my wounds. I slowly bite my lower lip.

Maybe they'll infect. Yeah, that should hurt me! I think but put the thought fast and easy in the back of my mind again. O, shut up. You just want people to see you're insane, not die! I almost scowl at myself. I sigh and then a rich voice reaches my ears.

'Ryou Bakura. Well, well. That's one person I wouldn't thought I'd meet right here, right now.' I don't even have to look up to know who it is that's talking to me. 'Hello Marik.' I answer hollow.

'Ah, you know who I am. How cute.' I hear marik say and right after that he sits next to me on the park bench.

'What did he do to you this time?' He asks me after a while of silence. I look up to him. His sand-like hair shines in the sun and his lavender eyes look questionably at me. It seems that he is almost worried. 'Nothing much.' I say, but immediately look down. I don't want to know his look, don't want to see his face. I close my eyes, waiting for him to start laughing. but that doesn't come.

'Nothing much...'I hear him repeat my words. 'By Ra, Ryou! You're bleeding like there's no tomorrow, you're bruised, you're even more paler than you are normal and you dare to tell me it was nothing much that he did to you?' Marik is almost yelling to me, and to be honest it's scaring the shit out of me. My eyes grow big and I look at him again as the words sink in. 'Ryou, man, just... You're looking like a ghost or something and still you say he didn't do a thing.'

Now he takes a break and looks me straight in the eye. I swallow and look away.

who are these voices in my head

I can't go on like this

living like the dead

I haven't slept so long

I look at nothing in particular. I am more thinking than watching anyway. My mind wanders off to the point where it just screams Marik.

Marik. Why is he being so nice? That isn't like him at all! It isn't! And don't you go around and feel attached to him.

'Come.' The simple statement makes me look up out my thoughts. Marik stands in front of me with a hand reached out for me. I look questionably at him and I hear him sigh.

'Come with me, to my house. I'll clean your wounds and past that I'm going to kick Bakura's ass.' He looks down with a grin. Planning on what to do with Bakura, that's for sure. I bite my lower lip, again. That's becoming a nasty habit, I can tell. The part where my teeth meet the soft flesh of my lip already hurts a little. But I didn't drew blood yet, so hack!

feeling sad I dread

I'm talking to myself

forgot what I just said

I take my teeth off my lower lip again and start to think. Not to ease the pain. Just to know what the hack is going on here! I'm frustrated, cold and confused as hell! I just can't go to his house, I can't. 'Ryou? Are you still with me?'

'Yes, yes. Just be quiet okay. I'm thinking and I can't really have you interrupting with that. It disturbs me.' I tell him on a calm way of speaking. His face is stunned after I told him that. With small steps he walks back to his side of the bench and sits down again. When I look at him he shakes his head. 'Go ahead, think.'

I smile at him with appreciation and lean back again with closed eyes.

So fucking insane! I'm smiling to him, even asking him to be silent. I'm sure I'm insane but he's also going nuts if I keep this up.

I grin.

Hé, who gives a damn?

'cause I'm all messed up

making perfect nonsense

drowning in my doubt

Still grinning my thoughts turn back to my current situation. Right, nice marik. Like I'm talking to a dog instead of a person. Which isn't right. Jou is the dog already. I smile. Kaiba gave him that name and since they're dating the nickname Puppy comes around a lot. I don't think that Jou minds though. He can smile about it, and so can the rest of my friends.

I stop in my tracks. Friends? When did they become my friends?

O man, this is not going to be good. I shouldn't care. I should let them waste my time. Let them just be around for the passing of the thing people name life. Just for that. Only for that. But instead I care. I shouldn't! I shouldn't care!

They'll die. Like my mother and sister Amane. They shouldn't have died, but they did. I cared and they died. I cared about my father and he left to Egypt. I care about Bakura, and he just beats the crap out of me. Everybody I care about dies, leaves me or will just find a way to hurt me.

'cause I'm all messed up

going nowhere fast

but circles in my mind

so blind

When I feel a soft pressure on my right shoulder I bolt up. I look to my right immediately and see that it is Marik who has his hand on my shoulder.

'You okay?' He asks me with a raised brow. I shake my head. Stupid! I should've nodded, but then again, I hate to lie.

'Okay, so what's it?' He asks. I shake my head again. I really don't feel like tellimg him. Well, a little maybe but he's the enemy, evil, he tried to destroy the world! I want to trust him, he's so nice to me now. But it's just that I shouldn't. I don't even trust Yugi and if anybody had a chance on having my trust, it would be Yugi. But they don't have it. The truth would hurt Yugi and -how nice he might be now- Marik would laugh his ass off about all of my stupidities and problems. It's just none of their concern.

well I hold my only enemy

as closely as a friend

and I sold my own reality

to further my decent

'Ryou!' I raise my head to my left. Yugi, Yami and Malik are running towards Marik and I.

When they are all standing in front of me Yugi stands with his hands on his knees, panting.

'We were... you...' He pants. 'Shh, aibou, catch your breath first.' Yami tells him as he lays his hand on his back.

I sigh and look away. Why does Yami have to be so damn nice? Yami is the best darkness you can have but Bakura is just the biggest asshole in the world. I just wish I had another Yami.

/O, you do now do you/

'Wha!' I jump up with a scream as a harsh voice sounds through the link Bakura and I share.

'Ryou, you okay?' I hear Yugi ask me but I don't answer. I look around, like a wild animal that's been hunted. Where are you. I think to myself. Come on, where are you hiding?

/Hiding? But Hikari! You think I'm hiding/ Bakura says through the link again.

'How foolish of you!'

I freeze. I know what this means, where he is. Bakura. I bet he's standing on the left of us, looking angry. 'I see you understands eh.' I hear Bakura say again.

'Tomb Robber! What did you do to your…'

'No!' I yell suddenly, making the rest of Yami's sentence unhearable. 'Ryou?' Yugi asks me. 'No!' I yell. 'Ryou! Stop this.' I hear Malik now and I look at him with flashing eyes. 'Don't you dare "Ryou" me! Don't you dare! Just all shut up! You're giving me a headache and I really don't want it now!' I yell. Everybody is looking stunned. Yeah, goal for me! At least they were queite now. I sigh. Silence.

'Hikari, what the fuck are you doing? Don't you dare yelling like that.' I wince as bakura grabs my cut and bruised arm and pulls me to him roughly. 'Let me go, Bakura!' I say, but it comes out more weakly than it was supposed to sound. 'Don't you dare speaking against me. You pitiful, pathetic, weak Hikari!' Bakura hisses and pulls on my arm more thightly. I groan at the pain and close my eyes. Let me go. I think. But this time I don't forget to close the link. All the time. All those things. I think to myself. He knows it all. He knows it all… 'Nooo!' I yell then. I don't want him to know. I don't want him around. I want to be alone. Die alone! 'Let me go!' I pull my arm out his grasp and take a step back. I look up, to my Yami's face. He's mad. I can see the madness shining in his eyes. 'That…' He says then. 'You shouldn't have done.' I close my eyes. A hard fist hits my stomach again and I fall over and gasp. I expect another hit, a kick, but nothing comes.

self destruction taking over

it's so easy to pretend

introduction to this nightmare

may never end

When I open my eyes again I see that Malik, Marik and Yami are holding Bakura down. It's strange. To see the tree of them holding down my Yami. My Yami. The one that should be loyal, nice, kind and worried for me. Not for himself. Not loyal to the darkness in his head. The same darkness that he tries to put into me everyday. The same darkness that got me as insane as I am now.

'Something wrong, Hikari?' I hear Bakura spat at me. I look up with a defiant look. 'No, dear Yami, nothing wrong at all.' I say. Bakura's facial expression changes. It goes from angry to mad. 'You think you're smart, eh? That now your friends have me down you can say everything and I won't hurt you.' I shake my head. He doesn't understand. 'That's bullshit.' I say and laugh. I just laugh, like in the kitchen but only now there are people around.

'Ryou! Stop this madness, right now.' My eyes grow wide as I receive a hard slap on my cheek. I look up and see Marik standing in front of me with a raised hand. Behind him are Malik, Yami and Bakura all looking stunned. Yugi is behind me, I can feel that. I lay my hand on my cheek as I stare at Marik.

I trusted him! I tried to trust him. I told him. I… No! Why does he hit me? Why! Is he like Bakura? Is he? No!

I suddenly feel tears stinging behind my eyes. I guess it is five minutes later and I still stare at Marik.

'O, Gods, Ryou. I'm sorry.' He says finally. I don't care. I bite my lower lip and stand up. 'Ryou? Are you okay?' I hear Yugi ask me. But I don't care. I turn on my heels and run away. Just away. I don't want te be near them. Don't want to be near him! He was so nice. So damn nice! I thought I could trust him, I tried to do so! He was so nice!

can anyone help me drag my heels

I'm running overtime

I can't hold down my meals

my mind is racing by

I run and run, but don't know where I'm going. I don't really care though. Tears fall down my cheeks as I run. I don't know why I'm crying. All I know is that I'm confused now. Confused and broken by one of the two persons I tried to give my trust. I tried to give him my trust and what did he do? He played with it. Acted like he cared. At least at school I know I'll never trust them. At least there I know they don't really care. But marik. I thought he really cared. But he hurt me. Just like Bakura. Bakura was nice, the first three minutes. Then he found out I was his vessle. A useless vessle that was weak to no end.

But I'm not a useless vessle to Marik. I'm not. Then why did he hit me?

All at once I feel that my foot is stuck and I fall on the ground with a loud oof. I crawl up and look at my surroundings. No I finally see where I am.

The cemetery.

I ended at the cemetery! The cemetery of all places! Man, if there is a god, now I'm sure he hates me. I get up and look around. Maybe I can go to her grave, talk to her. I snort. As if she can hear me. But my feet do different then my mind tells me, so a couple minutes later I find myself at the foot of Amane's grave.

'Amane.' I whisper her name, still hoping she can somehow hear me. 'Please Amane! Why is it so unfair? Why?' It's like she's there, but can't answer. And now, finally I blurt everything out. 'Why did he hit me? Why! I thought he cared. Thought he wanted to help me. I thought I finally found someone I could rely on when I'm in one of those insane moods again! I really thought I did. I really thought that maybe he could… he could…' I stutter and fall to my knees. I'm sobbing now and can't see clear. 'I thought that maybe he could just… love me. I want someone that loves me! Someone that cares!' I yell then.

staring blankly feels

like pulling out my teeth

while this engine whines

'But Ryou. I care.'

I freeze. I don't look up. I'm afraid to. 'cause I know that Marik is standing behind me. I can hear it at the tone of his voice. But the lightness of his tone carries a bitternes with it. And that I don't understand.

'Ryou, I care. I do.' He says. He's pushing me to turn around. To turn around and let him know I know he's there. But I don't turn around. I'm afraid. Afraid he'll hurt me again. 'cause I don't want to be hurt by him. I got to care about him in the short while I talked to him. Of course I know him longer, but it was the first time we really talked. And he was the first person, after my sister, that just listened.

I tense as I feel warm and comfortable arms encircle my waist. 'Shh, Ryou. I care.' I hear Marik whisper in my ear and a shiver flows through my body. 'No. You're just like Bakura. You hit me. You made me trust you… and you hit me. Just like Bakura. Just like everybody else I trust. No. you don't care at all.' I whisper softly as I make thousends of comparisons in my head. And all are about Bakura and Marik. How they both hurt me. How they both wanted to gain power.

'But Ryou! I didn't hit you 'cause I don't care. I hit you because…'

'Yeah, because why?' I snap at him. And I pull his arms away from my waist. He looks at me with wide, sad eyes. A really un-marik like thing. 'I just… I don't know, okay? I don't know.' He stutters and I look angried at him. 'You don't know? So you just felt like it? Just like Bakura! You just felt like doing it.' I say. Tears are now falling freely down my face.

'Why can't I have a friend? A true friend? And a person that loves me?' I say, almost pray. I really want a friend. 'But you have friends Ryou. You have true friends.' Marik tells me. I look up. 'Who?'

'cause I'm all messed up

making perfect nonsense

drowning in my doubt

'You have Yugi, Yami, Malik, Jou and I'm sure even Seto Kaiba, Tristan and Tea care about you. You have tons of friends Ryou. Don't you dare saying you haven't. They all care. Otherwise they wouldn't have looked for you when you didn't come. Otherwise they wouldn't ask you to hang around with them. You have friends, true friends. Don't you ever doubt that.' Marik looks to me with a stern face. I look at him. Okay, so I have friends. That's good. That's cool. A small smile plays on my lips. Friends. And I have them. Maybe it's good to have friends. And maybe it's good to care. We'll see as we're on the way.

And then something clicks in my head. Marik didn't call himself my friend. 'Marik?' I ask queitly. 'Yes, Ryou?'

'Why aren't you my friend?'

'Why ain't I your friend?' He's stunned. It's written all over his face. Somehow it makes me feel rather guilty for asking him.

'I am…' He stops. 'Do you care about me?' I ask him. I'm trying to help him, but it's not really working I think.

'Yes, I do. A lot Ryou. I like you. I like you as more than a friend.' He stops suddenly. He has said something he didn't want to. That he liked me more than a friend? What does he mean with that?

'What do you mean with that?'

'O Gods, Ryou! I love you okay. I want to be your boyfriend. Take you for dinners, watch movies with you. I want to comfort you and hold you.' He blurts out and emidiatly looks down when he said it.

I stand there, frozen on the ground.

'You… love me?' I ask him. He nods. I didn't expect him to answer anyway. I look down too now. I don't understand why would someone love me? Why? And why him? He's a nice person and he looks good and… I blush. I don't really want to know where my thoughts are leading.

'Ryou?'

I look at Marik. He seems uncomfortable. 'I… like you I think. Love you too. But I'm not sure. I don't feel for Yugi what I feel for you but I'm just… not sure. I've never loved someone before, just my sister, but that was different.' I say.

Marik walks towards me and places his arms 'round my waist. 'I can help you to find out if it's love or not. Do you want me too?' I nod slowly and lay my head on his shoulder. 'Yeah. I guess I'm just all messed up.' I say. 'What do you mean?' He whispers softly.

'Just that I'm too messed up to understand the world. That's over now, I guess. You'll help me, right?' I ask, but I don't need a real answer. Just the small thightning of his arms on my waist and his soft 'hmm' gives me enough answer then I could've wished for.

'cause I'm all messed up

going nowhere fast

but circles in my mind

so blind

The end

Author's note:

So what did you think? Please revieuw on the story…