Title: Just Sex
Rating: T
Disclaimer: Stargate doesn't belong to me – not last time I checked anyway.
Spoilers:Very tiny ones for Need, Into the Fire and Divide and Conquer
The first time was on P3R-636. Stuck working down those naquadah mines. At times it had felt like we were going to die down there. The work was back breaking all day and the food was practically non-existent.
At night we lay close to each other in the narrow space we'd been given to sleep in whilst Teal'c sat a little way off deep in kel'noreem. It was inevitable, at first the lying close to each other was just a necessity although not an unwelcome one, but as the work grew harder and we grew weaker we began to cling to each other during the few hours of rest.
In the end we both gave in, it wasn't slow or romantic. Both of us kissing each other as hard as we could and fumbling with clothing in the dark. It was rough and fast but it was what we needed. It kept us grounded and reminded us that there was a real world away from this mine. Daniel would get us out eventually.
Afterwards we told each other it was just sex. In the desperation of that place we'd needed comfort and that had been a perfect way to provide it.
I stopped calling her Sam though. Before it used to slip out occasionally but now it would be too dangerous. Sam was what I whispered to her in the middle of those desperate nights.
The next time was the same. Sitting in Hathor's base freezing cold I held on to her as tightly as I could, reminding myself that she was real, I was real – still Colonel Jack O'Neill not a goa'uld.
That night back on earth I turned up on her doorstep and she let me in without a word. It was silent, we couldn't let our feelings get involved. In the early morning I untangled my body from hers and let myself out.
It started happening more often after that. Still not anything approaching regularly but after a particularly stressful mission, one where we'd barely escaped with our lives, we would turn up on each other's doorsteps.
Each time we barely said a word and in the morning we always woke up alone in our own beds. We never talked about it, talking would involve emotions and both of use knew that this wasn't about that; it was just a way to stay sane.
It started to go wrong though. We spent over a week trapped together off-world with only Teal'c for company. It started off like any other time off-world but as the days went by it seemed as thought the gate was never going to connect and Earth started to seem further and further away. Teal'c didn't seem to notice or mind.
Once we got back things were different. I found myself wanting to be around her more and more. It didn't take a mission gone to hell for us to turn up on each others doorsteps. We'd still be alone come morning though.
The point was that as long as it was just sex and nothing else we could tell ourselves it was ok. It wasn't affecting our professional relationship so if no-one found out what was the problem? Then we found out we were lying to ourselves.
Sitting in that chair admitting my feelings for her was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Looking into her eyes and telling her how much I cared for her I realised how stupid I'd been, how stupid we'd both been.
We've never really spoken about it. The sex stopped. We buried those feelings like the proper officers we are and moved on.
Occasionally though we wake up of-world wrapped in each others arms. Or one of us cries out the other's name in our sleep. From the zatarc test onwards we've relied on the little things to carry our feelings. The small touches, light brushing of arms. Very occasionally a hug although these are very dangerous ground.
Both of us just waiting for the day when we can finally let go and wake up in bed together without feeling guilty, just feeling like that is where we are meant to be.