Chapter One... The best medicine

"I hate myself. I hate who I am and what I've become"

"Hate is a strong word, Tess"

Tess looked at the therapist, and wondered for the hundredth time why she'd let Connie talk her into coming. It would help her to move on, Connie had said, help her to understand why she felt the way she did, but raking up the past only inflicted more pain.

"Why is it you're feeling this way? Do you blame him for everything that's happened?" The therapist asked, tapping his pen against the table

Tess hesitated before she spoke, thinking about her answer to the question. Did she somewhere in her subconscious actually blame him?

"Partly" Tess admitted, clasping her hands together in her lap. She bowed her head, studying her hands as she fiddled with her fingers nervously. She hadn't even spoken to Zoe or Charlie , about how she really felt, about Fletch, or about the baby. They were her closest confidantes, her best friends, aside from Fletch, but recently they hadn't even been on speaking terms. Maybe that's why she found herself confiding in a complete stranger. Maybe in some way, she felt she'd have some sort of objective view from an outsider, someone to tell her that she wasn't going crazy.

"I guess I blame him for still loving me despite the fact I hurt him"

Tess looked up and caught his gaze.

"How did you hurt him?"

Tess forced back the tears as for the first time in a long time, allowed herself to remember

"Have I done something? I know I said we shouldn't call while I was away, but you just disappeared"

"I had some things I needed to sort out"

"Tess- I don't know what's going on here"

"I know, I'm sorry. I don't think we should see each other anymore"

"Why?"

"While you were away, I had time to think, and it's not what I want anymore"

"You know I couldn't get out of the holiday, right?"

"Because you're married, they're your family, and that's why this can't work"

"And that's the only reason? Well if you're sure that's what you want. We said it was just a fling anyway, so-"

"So you're okay with that then?"

"Me? Yeah course. It was what it was. Fun. I'll let you get on"

"If I hear another pun today, I'm going to sedate myself"

"No you're alright. I just came to say I'm shooting off now"

"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow"

"Tess- you do know I love you, right?"

"I'm sorry, I don't feel the same way, okay? I'll er see you tomorrow"

"Fletch-"

"You're not pregnant are you? At least not anymore anyway. So when was it? While I was away or when you were on leave and avoiding me? Not a word, not even a courtesy call"

"You said yourself you didn't want to be a dad again. I couldntve coped"

"You didn't know that at the time though did ya?"

"I thought if you didn't know, It couldn't hurt you"

"Well it does. I can't deny it. I'll see you tomorrow"

"And he walked off and left me"

A tear rolled down Tess' cheek and she quickly wiped it away as her therapist spoke.

"Have you talked to Fletch about any of this?"

Tess shook her head vigorously

"No. Of course not"

"Why? Did you feel he wouldn't understand?"

Tess dark eyes snapped up and narrowed on her therapist. Fletch was her best friend and at one time she spoke to him about everything. Of course he would've understood, and would've done anything for her. The whole Peter Trenton mess had shown her that. That was the sort of man he was.

Tess allowed herself a small smile as she thought about him, his cheeky smile, the way he made her laugh without really trying, the way he tried to encourage her to loosen up and live a little. He was easy to be with.

"No. He's a good man. I know he would've been there for me."Tess said quietly "I was just trying to protect him. I didn't want to break up his family"

"And how do you feel about him now?"

" look" Tess snapped, beginning to lose her patience. "There is no way you can mitigate what I've done . Fletch was married with three-four kids. He was my staff nurse. I aborted his baby- our baby without telling him, told him I didn't love him, lied to his wife about us, betrayed the trust she put in me, actually delivered their baby against my better judgement. What the hell was I thinking?!" She frowned, as the words tumbled out of her mouth.

"It's not very Christian is it?" Tess snorted, realising how ridiculous her predicament sounded.

"Tess, you're human. You can't punish yourself forever"

Tess paused and took a deep breath, trying to keep her emotions under control. She looked up and stared her therapist straight in the eye.

"I more or less told him to leave. And now I'm never going to see him again"

The therapist sat back in his expansive leather chair and eyed Tess thoughtfully over the rim of his glasses. Tess watched as he clasped his hands across his chest.

"You still love him"

Tess opened her mouth to protest, to tell him he was wrong, but the words caught in her throat and escaped as a strangled croak. Tess coughed slightly to clear her throat and took a deep breath.

" Yes. I do. And I hate myself for it"