Adapted from The Red Dwarf Episode "Only the Good" and the alternate ending proposed by Danny Dodge. This script attempts to reconcile Red Dwarf IX and X with the ending of only the good, without using any deleted footage
A deep gruff voice reads the following as it appears in caption on the screen.
PREVIOUSLY ON RED DWARF...
Sc.1 Int. Science Room
Rimmer returns from the parallel universe with the formula for the microbe antidote.
RIMMER
The antidote! I did it!
RIMMER quickly realises that the room is empty. More worryingly, red warning lights pulse over the metal walls of the corridor outside. RIMMER rushes out into the corridor, as blasts of steam gush from ruptured pipes and flakes of burnt polycarbons flutter in the air. The ship trembles alarmingly, and the sound of twisting metal can be heard all around. RIMMER pauses by the troublesome food DISPENSER and looks around in panic.
RIMMER
Wha - Where is everyone?
DISPENSER
They've repaired the machine and crossed into the mirror universe. You're the highest ranked crewmember left on the ship, so I *suppose* that makes you Captain - congratulations, Cap.
RIMMER
Smeg off!
RIMMER dashes back into the recovery room but realises that the device is off and the doorway to the mirror universe is closed. He glances at the machine, and the problem is immediately obvious: the microbe has spread and the machine is a half-melted, corroding mess. RIMMER stares at the formula on his piece of paper, and dashes out. Dodging blasts of burning steam, RIMMER runs back out into the corridor, just as something in the recovery room breaks out in flames, but is pulled up short by the DISPENSER
DISPENSER
Where are you going?
RIMMER shakes the paper at the machine
RIMMER
To make up a formula!
DISPENSER I think you'll find that the formula on that paper has now turned into the formula for the virus, because you've left the mirror universe, so it's turned back into its opposite - ha ha ha haa haaaa!
RIMMER stares at the garbled letters on the paper, as smoke, rolling in from the fire behind him, begins to obscure his vision
RIMMER
Smeg, you're right! This is a disaster!
DISPENSER
No, there could still be a happy ending.
RIMMER
How?
DISPENSER
You know that chocolate bar you still owe me for? You could always pay me back before you snuff it.
RIMMER
How's that a happy ending?
DISPENSER
Well, its a happy ending for me. At least my totals will tally.
RIMMER
Why don't you smegging-well smeg off, you annoying little smeggy smegging smegger!
The remains of the universe device explode messily, turning the fire behind RIMMER into an inferno. He runs for cover down the corridor
DISPENSER
Every dog has its day, and today's the day...
The DISPENSER takes careful aim, and launches a high-velocity fizzy drink can through the air after RIMMER. The can smacks RIMMER neatly on the back of the head, and he drops to the deck like a stone
DISPENSER
That I'm the dog.
Stunned and in pain, RIMMER is on his hands and knees on the deck, the heat of the expanding fire singeing his back. Slowly he holds up the strip of paper with the microbe formula; it has caught fire as RIMMER fell to the deck, and perhaps a third of it has burned away already
RIMMER
Smeg...
Struggling to retain consciousness, RIMMER lets the paper fall and sinks tiredly to the deck; nothing left to run to, and soon nothing even to run from. Exhausted, the air in the corridor growing hot and thin, RIMMER watches the flames lick at and burn away his last chance of salvation, when a foot, wearing a brown, open-toed sandal, crushes out the flames.
Enter DEATH.
RIMMER follows his eyes as they track slowly up the tall figure, whose body is completely obscured by flowing robes that seem to be teased by a whistling wind and somehow distanced from the heat and flames around them. The figure carries a long pole, to which is attached a long, curved blade.
DEATH
Arnold Judas Rimmer. Your life is over. Come with me.
Extending a hand, DEATH helps RIMMER to his feet as his deep, booming voice drones on
DEATH
We will travel to the River Styx, where you will place a coin in the –
RIMMER
Not today, matey!
Abruptly, RIMMER knees DEATH solidly in the groin. The ethereal one drops his scythe and falls to his knees like the proverbial sack of potatoes
RIMMER
Remember: "only the good die young".
CUT TO OPENING TITLES!
Sc.1 Int. Burning Corridor. Old Red Dwarf.
RIMMER is lying on the floor, he has halucinated death, and has in fact just been knocked over by the coke can.
RIMMER (Still unconsious)
Ah... take that death...
Enter LISTER.
LISTER
Come on man! We gotta get out of here!
RIMMER thinks he's halucinating.
RIMMER
Listy, is that you
LISTER
Yeah, we're making a dash for it, the whole place is about to blow. Unless we wanna end up with our genetelia floating around deep space, we gotta leggit!
They are on their feet, running.
RIMMER
Where?
LISTER
Kryten's found a few left over ships. A midget and a bug, in the repairs yard. He's fixing it up now, we've sent a distress call inter-verse. See if there's anyone out there who can help-
WHAM! A large gurder collapses two feet in front of them, blocking their path…
Sc.2 Int. Blue Midget cockpit.
KRYTEN is sitting at the console, with a mic in his hand. In the back we see Kochanski and Cat loading supplies
KRYTEN
Mayday, mayday. This is an SOS distress signal from the RED DWARF scouting vessell Blue midget. Our mothership has been attacked by a deadly microbe. Crew gone, four remaining. We are desperate need of assistance… MAYDAY, MAYDAY!
Sc.3 Int. Dungeon.
SUPERIMPOSE CAPTION:
Meanwhile… In a prison cell… universe 341B
A shadowy figure sits in the corner of the cell, tossing a ball back and forth. We do not see his face. A man in ridiculous space army uniform enters. It is GENERAL X
GENERAL X
Ah… we meet at last… Ace Rimmer!
The figure comes into the light, it is ACE, the rimmer who left the dwarfers in series VII. He has not done well for himself as ACE.
ACE
Ah, yes… well I'm afraid there's been some kind of mistake. You see, I'm not… actually… Ace…
GENERAL X
YOU ARE NOT MR RIMMER?!
ACE
Well… I…
GENERAL X
WHO ARE YOU?!
ACE
Errrm… Billy Doyle?
GENERAL X
HAHAHA! You cannot fuel me Rimmer, Ace Rimmer… I am the great General X.
ACE
Typical.
GENERAL X
What?
ACE
Nothing
GENERAL X
SPEAK PUNY MAN!
ACE
Well its just "General X" bit predictable, not exactly original is it, and lets face it… not exactly your real name is it?
GENERAL X
I…
ACE
Let me guess, your mother always wanted you to be a big rich and nasty space villain? You wanted to be a musician?
GENERAL X
A dancer…
ACE
Splendid. So you put on this façade of nastiness, and actually theres a kind and caring soul underneith.
The General starts to cry.
GENERAL X
I just want someone to love me…
ACE punches the General.
ACE
Well punch that.
He turns to leave, and his wristwatch plottydooda thing beeps. Krytens voice emits from it.
KRYTEN (V.O)
Mayday, mayday. This is an SOS distress signal from the RED DWARF scouting vessell Blue midget. Our mothership has been attacked by a deadly microbe. Crew gone, four remaining. We are desperate need of assistance… MAYDAY, MAYDAY!
ACE
Kryten?! Whats going on? Is everyone-
The watch emits static. Ace tries to fix it. Gets annoyed and throws it to the floor. The general regains consiousness and pins ACE to the wall.
GENERAL X
And now… my well groomed little friend, you will die…
The Watch sparks back to life and teleports ACE out of the call, into the cockpit of Wildfire, his ship. He plots a course for universe 1.
ACE
Computer… what microbe can eat ships whole?
COMPUTER (V.O)
Only one that I know of.
ACE
Which is?
COMPUTER
The dangerous Zogothoniumegiumoxixiexiphul mifhidikalidrihide…
ACE
Blimey…Try saying that backwards!
COMPUTER
Idihirdilakidihfimlihpixeixi xomuigemuinohtogoz!
ACE
You always have to be the smart one don't you, can't just let me have one little joke without being a sarcastic, heartless bitch.
COMPUTER
…
ACE
Plot a course for Universe 1. And make some antidote for that mircobe...
COMPUTER
Some Cesiumfrancolithicmyxialobid iumrixydixydoxidexidroxhide
ACE
Computer?...
COMPUTER
Yes?
ACE
SHUT UP!
Int. Red Dwarf Corridor.
Rimmer has managed to fit through the fallen gurder.
RIMMER
Yes! Go rimsy! Arnie does it best! Who's the man? I am! 1-0 RIMMER!
LISTER
Rimmer…
RIMMER (Sings)
Rimmer can you see…
You are so-
LISTER
RIMMER! Go and get help! This whole place is two seconds from soup!
RIMMER
Right!
He walks off singing the remainder of "Oh rimmer."
Int. Cargo Bay.
Rimmer is walking briskly towards blue midget humming his sound when suddenly a loud vworping noise starts coming from nowhere… Wildfire begins to appear in mid-air. ACE RIMMER is boldly standing on the top of the ship, posing... The ship lands on Rimmer.
ACE
Bugger…
Kryten and Cat enter.
KRYTEN
Mr Ace sir! You've killed Mr Rimmer!
CAT
What a guy…
(ACE) RIMMER
I'm not Ace!
CAT
What?!
LISTER
Its true…
KRYTEN
Sir… we were just on our way to help you! How did you get free.
LISTER
I'm slimmer than I look you know Kryts… Anyway, time to explain later, the ships about to melt. Lets go!
KRYTEN
But what about Mr Rimmer sir, he's dead…
LISTER
Trust me, its fine… just go!
The cargo bay doors slam shut. Light go, flames, sirens...
KRYTEN
Red dwarf is in Lock down... sirs, I don't want to panic you, but now might be the time to sya, with a deep expression of fear... MUMMY!
RIMMER
Wait just one little second there M'laddo… Computer, release the antidote.
COMPUTER
Negative.
RIMMER
What? Why you jumped up calculator?
COMPUTER
I am programmed to respond to Ace Rimmer only… (Plays recording)
RIMMER (V.O)
I'm not Ace!
RIMMER
Ah yes well… when I said…
LISTER
What he meant was, he doesn't want to be ace… anymore! Isn't that right?!
RIMMER
Err… yes!
CAT
You're retiring?!
RIMMER
(Faux ace voice) Yes… I've decided to time to pack in the old adventuring! Settle down. But first, we need to save the ship
VFX SHOT.
Red dwarf floating through space, huge chunks missing, fire burning. The cargo bay is the one remaining stronghold.
Int. Cargo Bay.
COMPUTER
Releasing compound.
A spray cloud shoots out of all available holes in the ship and fills the room.
VFX shot
oTheship in space, slowly regrowing, into its original stubby shape, not the pencil.
Kochanski runs over.
KOCHANSKI
What's going on, the ship is back! The microbe seems to have vanished!
RIMMER
Who's this?
LISTER
It's kochanski…
RIMMER
Don't be daft lister. Just because she's a woman, she looks nothing like Kochanski.
LISTER
Paralell Dimension, Long story… We did it guys!
ALL
We did it! Woo! Hoorah!
Int. Red Dwarf. Shiny living quarters seen in BTE
Rimmer and Lister are lying in their bunks.
RIMMER
No… its not for me Listy, all that solo adventuring. I'd prefer to be with an army, a team of ruthless fighters ready for anything!
LISTER
Thanks man!
RIMMER
But I suppose you'll do.
KRYTEN enters.
KRYTEN
Everything seems to be in order. As you can see, the antidote has repaired the ship into prime condition. Way beyond that which it once was.
HOLLY appears on the video screen.
HOLLY
Alright dudes. What happening!
Kochanski enters adressing Cat, who is still behind.
KOCHANSKI
No! You cannot use my bikini trimmer!
CAT
(Cooly) AAAAAAAH!
Int. Corridor.
KRYTEN CLEANING. Notices dead starbugs floating in distance. Rimmer enters.
KRYTEN
Mr Rimmer, look…
Rimmer looks out of the ship window…
RIMMER
Full speed ahead, Mr Kryten, I see no ships!
CUT TO CREDITS. END.