Disclaimer: I do not own The Hunger Games or anything recognizable. I am making no money from the writing of this fan fiction.
I am 18 years old and now I will never be Reaped.
This year's ceremony is over and everyone I feel close to survived. Prim is safe for one more year, as are Rory and Vick and Madge. I survived, too, and now I don't know what to do.
When the ceremony ends, I am standing in shock. I think I am still in shock. Despite all my tesserae, I somehow managed to escape the Hunger Games and I will never be eligible again.
As Effie Trinket and the Peacekeepers herd the newly selected tributes from the square and people around me turn away towards their families and homes, I notice Prim tugging on my hand.
"We made it, Katniss. We can go home now."
Her smile is tentative but bright. I know she is relieved despite the guilt and horror we all feel each year knowing that the two chosen will likely be dead in a fortnight. As we start walking towards home, Prim looks at me again and her smile falters. It occurs to me that she is guiding me on the path. My sister has grown so much without my noticing.
"Is something wrong, Katniss? You haven't said anything."
Only then do I remember my voice. I should be speaking. Lots of things are wrong, but the current circumstances are really no different than any other year after the Reaping ceremony and Prim should not have to worry over my silence.
"I'm fine, Prim," I tell her. "I am so glad you are safe."
Focusing on Prim's safety for another year finally brings a smile to my face and Prim relaxes.
"Mother will be so relieved, Katniss. I am safe again this year and you are safe forever now!"
I see the happiness bubble up in her and am overwhelmed with love for my sister. This is my Prim, always accepting and making the most of the joys we have.
Prim is skipping ahead, eager to get home and tell mother the news, and I am beginning to feel light with relief myself. It will be good to tell mother. She has been better in the last year, out of bed regularly, running her home apothecary, and working with Prim, but she didn't make it to the square today. The good news should have her out of bed again.
I always resented my mother for dropping out when father died and leaving me to care for Prim alone, but I think she is trying now. In any case, for some reason the past hardly seems to matter today.
As we head home, I see Gale ahead with his mother, brothers, and sister. Hazelle is holding Posy's hand. Prim is waving to them now and Gale is all smiles.
"Meet you in an hour, Katniss!" he calls to me as he returns Prim's wave and follows his family home.
I feel strangely wooden once more and Prim has to tug me along again. Everyone I feel close to is fine and I will never be Reaped.
When I arrive at our rock, Gale is waiting and jumps up to greet me.
"It's over, Catnip. You're free from it now."
He sounds so happy. He is beaming at me but I am not sure what my face looks like. He has just confirmed all I could think about since the ceremony ended and I do not know what to say. In fact, I think I might be terrified by the question I read in his eyes when I do not respond.
"Aren't you happy?" he finally asks.
I imagine I look like my sister's goat as I try to come up with a response.
"I'm glad Prim is safe. And your family and Madge. I'm glad you're here."
I think I am rambling. Gale looks as confused as I feel but he lets it go and smiles at me anyway.
"So guess what I did while I was waiting for you to show up?"
That jerks me out of my thoughts.
"I was right on time. We agreed on an hour."
He is laughing at me now and I am unreasonably upset.
"You didn't start without me, did you?" He has never started hunting without me.
"Of course not."
He turns away from me to go back to his game bag and kneels down to retrieve something.
"Come here. I got us something to celebrate the odds being in your favor."
He sits down and as I move towards him I see a loaf of bread in his hands. I am curious and when I sit beside him I feel the comfort of familiarity. Sitting on this rock together is normal. I begin to relax for the first time since the Reaping ceremony ended.
Gale hands me half the loaf and I notice that it is real baker's bread. The finely-milled kind that few of us can afford except for special occasions. This loaf is studded with nuts. I am shocked at the extravagance and look at him in surprise. His eyes are sparkling and he is watching me closely . I don't understand and the edgy feeling of the past two hours comes back in full force.
"Well, don't you have anything to say, Catnip?" he teases.
I look at the bread in my lap.
"You went to the bakery?" I finally come up with. My response falls flat even to my ears.
When I look up he is no longer looking at me and I know he is disappointed. His voice is gruff when he responds. "I did. So go on now, eat up."
I think I have missed something important but I do not know what. I pick at the bread, eating the nuts separately, and all I can think about is how much this loaf of bread must have cost him.
"How much did you spend on this?" As I say it, it occurs to me that he won't appreciate the question.
"It doesn't matter," he replies and the words are stilted. "It is a gift. Just eat it." Gale is upset now, his body gone rigid beside me, but I cannot stop myself from continuing.
"But Posy needs new clothes and we haven't bought salt this month yet and -"
"Katniss" he snaps, cutting me off. "Today is special. You're safe forever now and I wanted to celebrate. Why can't you accept that?"
"Don't shout at me! What about our families? Winter is coming. We can't afford this."
I am angry and embarrassed and I don't know how this afternoon has spiraled out of control. Suddenly I feel tears pricking behind my eyes. I abruptly stand up, the traitorous bread falling from my lap. Before I can leave the rock, though, Gale has risen and grabbed my wrist.
"Katniss. What is the matter?" I hear the frustration in his voice and can see the concern in his eyes.
"Nothing is the matter, Gale. I need to go home." I feel tears on my face and try to pull away but I can't break free of his hand.
"You are crying and something has been off since you showed up. Tell me."
I tear my arm from his grasp. "I don't know, Gale. Everything feels wrong. I don't know." I feel like a caged animal and there is utter silence in the forest. I realize I was shouting and I cannot stop crying.
Gale is looking at me like he has never seen me before but I am too upset to comment. I just want to sit down so I lower myself back down to the rock. I am sobbing with my knees pulled to my chest and then everything I am afraid of comes out in a rush.
"I can't protect Prim anymore, Gale. I can't volunteer for her if she gets called." I am crying so hard I can barely speak.
"And I need to find something to do. Now that I'm out of school and the Reaping is over I will have to be useful. The Peacekeepers will catch me if I hunt full time and someone notices I don't have an acceptable occupation. But what can I do?"
I think this is what being hysterical must feel like and as the words keep coming I am horrified by my weakness.
"I'll be expected to marry and have children now and I am terrified. If I marry, my husband might die in the mines and I'll be alone and helpless just like I was when father died. Even if he doesn't, my children will be subject to the Games and there will be nothing I can do about it."
I feel dehydrated and completely out of control. I do not remember the last time I cried.
"I never thought this far ahead, Gale. Now I've survived and everything seems out of my control. I don't know what to do."
And then Gale is sitting beside me, pulling me onto his lap and wrapping his arms around me. This has never happened before and at first I am alarmed but when he tucks my head under his chin it is a relief to hide my face as I try to take control of myself. He is warm and the small circles he is rubbing on my back are soothing. In a few minutes I start to hiccup and my tears begin to dry. I realize I am exhausted.
"Hey, Catnip, how are you feeling?" he asks quietly after my hiccuping relents.
My mind is reeling. I feel spent and hollow and know that I have never acknowledged anything I just said to anyone, including myself . Yet it is true. I imagine I am in shock but I cannot help feeling ashamed. I am so tired.
"Embarrassed," I say into his worn shirt.
He laughs and I can feel it vibrating through his chest.
"Did I ever tell you how I felt when I realized the Hunger Games couldn't touch me directly anymore?" he asks.
"No," I reply. We never talk about feelings.
"It was like the Capitol had played a dirty trick, Katniss," he says. "Me with all my tesserae escaping the Hunger Games only to see a probable future of dying young in the mines while making barely enough money to keep my family from starving."
For all the time we spend together, Gale has never told me this before. I realize I want to hear every word very badly.
"The worst part was that I felt totally powerless," he continues quietly. "I was furious."
I remember him being tired, less talkative, even abrupt once he started at the mines but I did not see the latent anger I hear now. I had thought he was glad to be out of the Games and able to work. I wonder what else I have missed the last few years.
"You didn't tell me," I say, almost to myself. Gale is my best friend. I should have known without him saying so.
He hesitates before responding.
"I was ashamed. At least here in the woods with you I wanted to be strong and I didn't feel that way. I didn't want you to think of me differently for being angry and afraid."
As he says it, I wonder if he is right and I would have looked at him differently. At just the thought I feel like the worst kind of hypocrite. I do not want to think about this.
"You don't seem afraid now," I tell him.
"I'm almost always afraid, Catnip," he replies. "But there is only so much I can control."
I am startled by the statement and uncurl myself from his lap so I can look at him.
"What do you mean?"
His shoulders seem to slump at the question and he looks toward the trees.
"It makes me sick to see the people I love up for the lottery each year," he tells me, his voice catching. "I don't want to die in the mines and I don't want to have a family of my own only for my children to be subject to the same. Just as you feel."
His voice is rough and he pauses to take a breath, lifting his eyes to meet mine. His expression is ragged. Wistful.
"But I want to be happy, Katniss, as much as I can be. And that means I have to make the best of the way things are."
There is silence as I digest this. I realize I am still sprawled on his lap and am suddenly embarrassed. I quickly move back to inhabit my own space. He lets me go.
"Are you happy, Gale?" I ask.
He reaches past me for the bread I dropped earlier and hands it to me with a small smile.
"I am happy you aren't subject to the Games anymore, Catnip. Now eat your bread."
Somehow despite this awful, surreal day, I feel warmth unfurl in me. It is unfamiliar but I like it and feel my lips turn up in response.
In a moment, he has his share of our bread in hand as well and we eat together in companionable silence. I almost forget that I was a mess of tears not thirty minutes ago, but as I eat the fine bread I wonder about everything he told me.
"What is it like in the mines?"
"It is dark in the mine shafts, the air is dirty, and there is always risk of accident or explosion. But it isn't so bad." he replies when he finishes eating. "It puts food on the table and I still have evenings and Sundays free. I have friends there and I've made it out alive every day so far. It could be much worse."
He is right. It could be much worse.
"I don't want you to die young in the mines, Gale."
He smiles as he finishes the last of his bread.
"I know you don't, Catnip," he says as he stands up. "Now let's go check the snares."
We check the traps and come up with three rabbits and a squirrel. It is a decent turn out. Once we have cut the animals free and reset the snares I notice the sun has moved west faster than I thought.
"It's getting late," he tells me. "Let's head back."
"What about hunting?" I ask. I am tired and I know my mother and Prim will be expecting me to help with dinner but now it is upon me I do not want to go back. I very badly do not want to go back to the world I am now so uncertain of myself in.
"We've caught enough meat for two nights," he says. "You'll check the snares again tomorrow, and we can hunt on Sunday."
He has a point. We have enough food and while today was free due to the Reaping ceremony he will be expected in the mines in the morning. And I cannot put off my life forever.
I let him lead us out of the forest but every step back towards reality is harder for me. I cannot avoid it, but I also cannot help the numb terror welling up in me again. If I am honest with myself, I believe my fears have more to do with my sense of self than with Prim or anyone else. I feel selfish and try to push my worries aside.
As we cross the fence back into District 12, I know Gale sees my anxiety. He doesn't say anything, though, and I appreciate it. We walk together quietly and make it to the junction between the path to his house and mine. He doesn't take his turn, though.
"I'll walk you home," he says.
I am surprised.
"I can do it myself," I respond abruptly. I have been in a numb daze most of the day but I do not need or want an escort because of it.
"I know you can, Catnip. Let me do it anyway."
That stops me. I do not understand the Gale I have seen today. We have always been honest with each other but never like this. He doesn't seem to notice my confusion and keeps walking.
As we go on I find myself wondering if our relationship will continue this way. I am uncertain of Gale's forthrightness. In fact, I think I am utterly unprepared for so much honesty. Remembering this afternoon, though, I realize I was the one who was honest first and I am even more confused about what I want. But I think I might like to become accustomed to this honesty. To communicating this way with him. Suddenly I am worried that he is embarrassed by our conversation earlier today and that things between us will change. I do not want to lose Gale, especially not the Gale who made me feel normal on this terrible surreal day.
"Talk to your Ma tonight," he says, breaking me out of my thoughts when we are almost to the house I share with mother and Prim. "I know you're right that there's not much in the Seam for single women, but she'll help you find something."
He sounds calm and reasonable and I realize he isn't upset with me or trying to forget what happened earlier. I am so relieved I am able to look past the obstacle of my status as an adult woman in the Seam and respond like a sensible person.
"I will ask her," I tell him.
When we get to my front door Gale is very close and takes my hand before I go inside. I am not accustomed to nearness like this but nothing today has been expected.
"Things will work out, Katniss," he says, giving my palm a gentle squeeze. "I'll see you on Sunday."
His hand is rough from the mines but warm and comforting in my own. And then he is letting go and turning to head back towards his house.
I miss the warmth of his hand immediately and realize I want to say something. I reach out to stop him.
He turns back, surprised. I notice that he really is much taller than me.
"Thank you for the bread, Gale."
The smile that appears on his face could light a room. I know I have said the right thing.
"You're welcome, Catnip," he replies and when he turns around again to go home I think his step is lighter.
My world is a different place this evening than it was this morning. It occurs to me that I have been terrified and lonely for years for so many reasons outside of my control. But I am going to be okay. And perhaps I don't need to feel alone anymore.
I stand on the porch a few moments longer before going inside. My fingers are still warm from Gale's touch.
I am 18 years old and will now never be Reaped. The rest of my life is ahead of me and I decide I want to be happy, too.