Hiiii! I've been wanted to write this story for a long time now, I hope you'll like it. Batman might be a bit OOC at the end, but oh well. :)
I don't own any of those characters, of course. If I owned them, BatmanxJoker would be (completly) canon by now ;)
Enjoooooy!
Batman couldn't remember for how long exactly he had been chasing the Joker…It seemed like he had been doing this forever, to the point that now, he had the feeling that nothing really mattered anymore in the world except their 'dance', as the clown called it. There it was, he was becoming just as crazy and obsessed than his nemesis…
Tonight, like usual, he had pinned the madman to the floor, pressing their body together, keeping him from moving. Icy blue eyes staring at poisonous green ones.
The Joker was smiling wide, giggling slightly. It annoyed Batman to no end. The Joker was the only one of his enemies to never fear him. He had long accustomed to be beaten by his nemesis, and he enjoyed every tiny bit of it. Batman couldn't help to think that some kind of…familiarity had settled between them. Yes, he hated the clown, but with him, he felt…would he dared say it? He felt at home. He felt good.
"What are you thinking of, darling?" asked the Joker, pulling Batman out of his thoughts.
Batman growled, refusing to answer. Instead, he simply punched the Joker. He was tired of those nicknames. As if they actually meant something for the Joker…they were just another way to annoy him. And what annoyed Batman even more, was that it worked. He could feel his blood burning each time the Joker called him 'darling'… He, who always had great difficulties to express his feeling, couldn't understand how someone could joke about things like that.
"I'm taking you back to Arkham, Joker." Batman said, pulling the madman by his purple collar, bringing him closer to his face.
"Heh, seems like each of our dates ends up at the funny-house. It's getting boring, Bats! Would it kill you to take me to somewhere else? I love theme parks. Can we go to DisneyLand? Pleaaa-"
BAM! Batman punched him again.
"HeheeeeHeeeeehee! Aw, Bat-babe, you always manage to make me laugh! And I love you for that! Hehehehehe!
"SHUT UP!" he shouted, while the Joker laughed madly. "You don't love me, stop with this nonsense!"
"Of course I do love you! Hahaha, you are always so much in denial, Batsy! That's cute!"
Batman violently threw the Joker away. He almost grinned when he saw him hitting the very hard floor. Few of his bones should be broken by now. But he was still laughing.
"Ssssso much anger, Bats!" he giggled. "Is it because I hit a nerve? Are you afraid to admit that you love me as well?"
"I don't love you, you crazy bastard!" he growled, kicking him on his ribs.
Really, how could he love someone like him? Was the Joker that crazy, to think there could be some love between them?
He was about to beat him until he felt unconscious, when something weird happened:
A vortex appeared.
Batman stared at it. He did not even bother to hide his surprise. Where the hell did it come from?
"Erm, Bats?" the Joker said, a bit angrily. "Helloooo? I'm right here! How could a stupid vortex be more interesting than me? Baaaaats! Pay attention to meeeee!"
Batman looked more closely at the vortex. He was tempted to enter it, but there was the Joker…
He glanced at him. He looked upset, and ready to kill, but considering his actual state, he wouldn't go far. Batman finally decided to call Gordon, telling him he had to come and catch the Joker as soon as possible, then, without any last look at his nemesis, he jumped inside the vortex...
"Master Bruce?"
"Mmmhf…?"
"Master Bruce, it's time to wake up. It's nearly 3pm…"
Bruce moaned and stretched, waking up slowly…Wait, how did he get home? What happened last night?
There was the Joker….then…Ah, yes! The vortex! But what happened after that…?
"Master Bruce, I am sorry to insist", said Alfred. "but you have to wake up. You had promised to Mrs Johanna to help her with the paper wall of your new bathroom…She is waiting for you."
"…What?"
Alfred sighed and shook his head.
"You had forgot, hadn't you, Master Bruce? Well, just try to hurry up, and please be nice with Mrs Johanna."
"Who is Mrs Johanna, Afred?"
"Good one, Sir. I see you are in mood for jokes, how rare of you."
"Alfred, I'm not joking, who is Mrs Johanna?"
Alfred stared at him, a worried expression on his face.
"Have you, by any chance, hit you head last night, Master Bruce?" he asked, full of concern.
"I didn't. Why?"
"Because I see no other reason that could explain why you suddenly seem to not remember your own wife, Sir."
"My what?"
For a second, Bruce thought that he might burst out laughing. The idea of him being married was too funny to not laugh at, even for him. But the look on Alfred's face was too serious to be a joke.
Then it hit him: the vortex must have been some kind of portal that led him to another dimension, another 'earth'. It wouldn't be the first time, after all. That sort of things was perfectly normal in Batman's world.
So…It looked like he had fallen in a world where he's married. Why not? It could have been way worst.
"Master Bruce?"
"Erm, sorry, Alfred. Of course I remember Johanna. I was simply…still half-sleeping. Tell her I'm coming right away, please."
Alfred smiled, obviously relived.
"Very well, Sir."
As soon as his butler had left the room, Bruce got out of bed and dressed up quickly. He absently noticed that nothing in the bedroom was different from the bedroom in was used to in his world. Maybe the only thing that differed in this dimension was that he was married. Hum, he would have to find a way to go back to his world.
Later.
For now, he was curious to see what his life would have been if he had been married…
Bruce arrived in the bathroom, dressed in a nice navy blue shirt and black trousers.
"Bruce! At least you're awake!"
The first word that came in Bruce's mind when he saw Johanna was 'beautiful'. She was quite short and thin, with a pale, almost white skin. It was obvious that she had tried to do a nice up-do, but her chocolate hair was too naturally messy to stay in place, and a few curls were tickling her long nose and well-defined cheek-bones. She had a full, red, smiling mouth that just asked to be kissed. She was wearing a lilac shirtless top with very short shorts.
Something about her seemed familiar to Bruce, but he couldn't put his finger on it…
She walked towards him and gave him a small peck on the lips.
"I hope you're in shape, hon'! We have work to do!"
She had a joyful voice, with a very peculiar tone.
She gave him half of the paper wall, a brush and some glue, and then she started to work on one of the wall, humming happily.
Bruce watched her carefully. Really, he was sure that he had ever seen this woman before…
She as so bright, so cheerful! How could a girl like that be attracted to someone as dark as Bruce? Did she know he was Batman?
…Was he even Batman in this world?
"You are as talkative as ever, aren't you, sweetie?"
He gave her a sorry smile, not knowing what to answer to that. What could he say to a woman he didn't know? He could only act charming and polite, just as he did every time he had to attend tome event as Bruce Wayne.
She sighed, and Bruce could notice a little spark of anger in her emerald, almond-shape eyes.
"We never talk." she muttered.
Her voice didn't sound joyful anymore. It was low, menacing.
Then she threw her brush at Bruce, hitting him right in the face.
"Do you think I enjoy this, Bruce?" she barked. "Do you think I enjoy this paper wall bullshit? It's only an excuse to spend some time with you! You work all day, and then you have that mysterious night job you won't tell me about! Not to mention that I've just come back from a two months business trip! I don't see you anymore!"
Bruce stared at her, his face impassible, not knowing what to do.
"SAY SOMETHING!" Johanna shouted, slapping Bruce.
She looked up at him, her eyes wet with tears of anger, begging. But Bruce was at loss of words. How was a husband supposed to act in this situation? Should he apology? Should he kiss her? Should he tell him he loved her?
Before he could make up his minds, Johanna slapped him once again and left. Bruce put his hand on his aching cheek. She certainly had some strength despite her frail body…
"I can see things did not go very well, Sir…"
Bruce raised an eyebrow at his butler. Why was he always there to lecture him?
"You obviously deeply care for each other" Alfred sighed, placing his hand on Bruce's shoulder. "It is such a shame, really, that you always end up fighting."
"I'm just not good at being a husband, Alfred," Bruce said. "I knew it was a mistake to marry her. Batman can't have a normal, domestic life."
That what he had always been thinking. There was a reason why he could have never managed to keep a girl…
"If I may, Sir. Maybe you should tell Mrs Johanna about your night job. It could help her understand why you are absent so much. Besides, she would be absolutely delighted to know she is Mrs Batman. You know how much she adores him."
Interesting. So he had married a Batman fan…
"I'll think about it, Alfred…"
As soon as the night fell, Batman went out, looking for a way to go back to his world, and fighting criminal in the way. This Gotham was just as much rotten as the Gotham of his world. There were apparently the same super-villains – he had seen a wanted poster for Two-Face – which meant that he had to stay aware.
"Heeeeey Batsy-bats!"
Batman growled. Gosh, even in another world, he had to meet the Joker.
The clown was hiding in the shadow of a big building, but his green eyes and bloody red smile were visible nonetheless. For what he could saw, this world's Joker looked the same than his, except maybe for his voice that sounded a bit more high-pitched than usual. But it could be only an act. It wouldn't be surprising from the Joker.
"What did you do this time, clown?" Batman spat, immediately taking the Joker by his throat.
"Nothing, nothing, darling! Scout's honor! I just wanted to see you!"
Batman tightened his fingers around the madman's neck, making him gasp between his giggles. No matter the world, the Joker was still unbelievably annoying.
"Tell me what you did!" he barked.
"I told you," he answered, a bit angrily. "I just wanted to see you. I've been rotting at Arkham for two months, and you didn't even come to visit! I missed you, lambchop…"
Batman didn't believe a word of what the Joker just said. He was convinced that he was hiding a knife or a detonator somewhere. He was always up to no good. There was nothing innocent about that man.
"Oookay, I have to admit," the Joker finally said, " that I may have killed one or two…hum, ten or twenty random citizens on my way to see you. But it wasn't my fault, honest! I just couldn't find you, so I got bored. See, you are the one to blame, Bats! If you had left me a note, or even sent me a text, telling me where you wanted us to meet, then it wouldn't have happened! Hahahahahaheeeehehe!"
Batman punched him hard, and then the Joker reacted by throwing one of his numerous sharp cards at him. Batman caught it, and crushed it in his hand.
"My, how strong!" the Joker mocked.
Batman growled angrily and violently pressed the Joker against the wall of a building. How many time did they had found themselves in this situation?
The Joker, still laughing, placed his hands in each side of Batman's face. The vigilante thought that he wanted to head-butt him or something, and was ready to attack.
But he didn't head-butt him.
He kissed him.
It was very short, as if the Joker had regreted what he did the second his lips met Batman's.
"I…erm." He uncharacteristically stuttered. "I had to do it, Bats. Just once…hehe…"
His laugh actually sounded embarrassed. How strange.
To say that Batman was confused would be a euphemism. He had simply stopped thinking. His brained had stopped working from the moment he felt those strangely soft lips on his.
"Bats? Holy random kiss! I hope I didn't break him…Hello, Bats?" he gently knocked at Batman's forehead. "Is anyone here?...Oh, really, Batso! How long have I been telling you that I love you? Don't act as if this kiss was unexpect-"
Batman crashed his lips against the Joker's, making him squeak out of surprise. The kiss was rough and hateful, at least from Batman's side. He didn't even wonder why he had felt the urge to kiss his nemesis back. He just did, as if it was the most natural thing to do. And those lips tasted so great…so sweet...so heartwarming…
Besides, this Joker was not his Joker. It wasn't as if this relationship could work. As soon as he would be back to his world, this kiss wouldn't matter anymore. His Joker would have no idea that it had happened…
When he noticed that he was gradually getting aroused, he decided to break the kiss. Before the Joker could say anything, he punched him on the nose, making him bleed.
"How rude of you, darling," he laughed. "But it's okay, I like it rough anywaaaaw!"
Afraid of dealing more with the madman, and afraid of his own feelings, Batman just fled, leaving the Joker behind…
When he came back in his bedroom as Bruce Wayne, ready to have some good sleep, he couldn't help to feel sorry for his sleeping wife that was lying under the blanket, even if technically he hadn't cheated on her since she was not actually his wife. But still.
While getting on the bed, he thought about that kiss. What had gotten to him? Why did he do that? Was the Joker right, when he said he loved him deep inside? After all, there was a very small frontier between love and hate…Could it be that, he had reached that frontier?
But the Joker was an insane criminal, an evil clown who had killed hundreds of people just because it was fun…and he was also a man…
Bruce had never, ever been attracted to men. Why would he suddenly be attracted by one?
He looked at Johanna, still peacefully sleeping beside him. She was truly beautiful, and there was no denying that he felt strongly attracted to her.
He slowly moved towards her, placing his hand on her back.
"Don't touch me."
He jumped, not expecting her to be awake. He couldn't see her face, buried in her pillow, but she was obviously angry.
"Sorry, " he said. "Erm. Sleep well."
When he understood that she wouldn't answer, he decided to try to fall asleep…and to get rid of the taste of the Joker's mouth…
"Have a nice day, Johanna."
Johanna watched Bruce leaving the mansion to go to work, like she did on every day. But this time, she did not wish him a good day as well. She did not want to pretend anymore.
"I'm tired of this shit," she swore.
"Language, Mrs." Alfred mocked.
She snickered.
"If it was the only bad habit I had, we would be lucky…"
She sighed, turning her emerald eyes towards Alfred.
"I don't know what I am supposed to do anymore. Bruce is nice. I like being Mrs Wayne and all, but…It's getting boring. Especially comparing to…other things I do."
"You should talk to Master Bruce, Mrs Johanna." Alfred suggested.
"Oh, yeah, wonderful idea. I'm sure he'll be glad to learn that his lil' wifey is actually Gotham's number one wanted 'man'".
"Master Bruce can be full of surprise. Maybe he will enjoy that dangerous facet of yours."
"Trust me, Alfie, if Bruce was into that kind of stuff, I would know it. Nah, he would probably send me to Arkham. And no one brings me back to Arkham expect my Batsy, soooo… I'd be forced to kill him."
Seeing the dark look that Alfred gave her, she quickly added:
"Don't worry, I don't want to kill him…That's why I can't tell him who I am!"
She nervously bit her lips, a habit that she had developed since she had adopted this double-life. When she was the Joker, she felt free. She had no rules, no notion of right or wrong, she just did what she wanted to do. That's why she created him. Because she felt oppressed being Bruce's wife.
And also because of Batman. Even before becoming the Clown Prince of Crime, she had been obsessed with him. She had wanted to be close to him, and what better way to reach that goal than becoming his number one nemesis?
Oh, and that last night kiss…She had never felt this good in Bruce's arms…Yes, Batman was definitly her man. Sorry, Brucie.
"What are you going to do, Mrs Johanna?" Alfred asked quietly, a look of concern in his eyes.
"I think I'll try something tonight. I'll leave a note to Bruce, telling him I've been captured by the Joker. If he's the one who comes to rescue me, then I'll give up on the Joker. But if he contacts Batman and asks him to do the job for him, Johanna will have to die." she laughed. "And I've been wanting to kill that bitch for months..."
And as her laugh - no, the Joker's laugh - echoed through the halls, Alfred told himself that he shoudl have stayed in England, far from all this American madnes...
Batman rushed into the gloomy flat in which the Joker had 'invited' him. He had found the note on the front door of the mansion, telling him that he had kidnapped his wife. The note had been addressed to Bruce Wayne obviously, but Bruce preferred to let Batman deal with those things. What could he have done under his Bruce persona? Besides, he knew the Joker. He wanted him, not Bruce.
"Batman!" the Joker exclaimed, clearly glad to see him. "I knew you would come!"
"Where is she, Joker?" Batman barked.
"Easy, big boy! She's right here, look!"
He pointed his finger to show him the woman with a bag on her head, tied up to a chair, apparently unconscious.
"Don't worry, she's ooo~kaaay." He paused, and his eyes darkened. "Well, for now."
Then before Batman could react, the Joker shot her.
Her blood splattered on the floor. Flashes of Batman's parents' murder passed in front of his eyes. He wanted to scream, but his throat was too dry.
Johanna…
"Heeeeheeeeehehehehe! Don't be so sad, Batsy! She was nothing, really! Just a poor woman, unsatisfied with her life, with a husband that couldn't pleaaaase her! Hehe, I guess everyone can't be as lucky as I am with men! Hahahaaaahaha!"
Batman ran towards Johanna's corpse, telling her how sorry he was. He knew that he didn't even know her, but she must have been very important for the Bruce of this dimension. And he had failed to save her…
He took off the bag that she had on her head.
He froze.
It wasn't Johanna.
In a quick move, he threw two batarangs at the Joker, aiming at his wrists, to pin him to the wall.
"WHERE IS SHE?" he shouted, beating every bit of the Joker's body as if he was a punching-ball.
"Why do you care for her?" he asked, obviously upset. "I told you she was nothing!"
"Nobody is nothing! You hear me? Nobody! Where is She?"
"Aaaw, C'mon, Bats, let's forget about all this and take meeeee!"
"What the hell are you talking about, you crazy bastard?" he barked, punching him again.
"Oh, y'know. You. Me. Sex. Now. Do I have to teach you about bees and flowers? Hehehe!"
"I won't have sex with you, you freak! Tell me where she is!"
"I know you want me, darling. Is it because I'm a man, that you are hesitant?"
Another punch in the face, and the Joker laughed loudly.
"Heehehehe! Do you wanna hear a good joke, Bat-Babe?"
He opened his green shirt.
"I am not a man."
Batman froze, speechless. He had completely forgot about Johanna. About the dead, unknown woman on the floor. About his anger.
The more he stared at…at the Joker's chest, the more his brain melted.
What. The. Fuck.
"Honey, it's rude to stare at a girls' boobs like that", he- she teased.
Ok. Ok. Ok. So, the Joker of this world was a woman. Ok. It wasn't that bad. He could handle this.
…He felt almost sorry to have beaten her like that.
No, he shouldn't feel sorry. The Joker was still the Joker, no matter his/her gender.
But…what if his Joker was a woman as well? After all, he had never seen him without his clothes…
No, he had been fighting him for years, he would have noticed!
"Hey, Bats. I really hate when you freeze like that. That's creepy," she said.
"You're a woman."
"Yep. Can we fuck, now?"
"Why do you pretend to be a man?"
She sighed.
"Does it really matter, right now?"
"Yes."
"Okay…well, no one would take a small, fragile girl like me seriously, don't you think? So it's the only way I found to appear more menacing. Now, can we- "
"Where is Johanna?"
He had to stay focus on his mission, no matter how distracting the Joker's body was. Could she at least button her shirt? Those lacy, prurple bras were...too much...
"Really, Bats! Who cares about that bitch? I'm right here, offering myself to you and all you can think about is another girl? I'm hurt!" she pouted. "Is it too much to ask to spend some time with you? I don't see you anymore…"
Batman frowned. She sounded like…Johanna?
He took her by the throat with his left hand, and with his right hand, he wiped her make-up off.
Yes, her make-up. The Joker he knew didn't wear make-up. His skin was naturally bleached white.
But it wasn't his Joker.
It was Johanna.
"Well, uh…" she said. "Surpriiiiise!"
"Are you kidding me?" he shouted, ripping her green wig from her head.
"What? What is it with me, Batman?" Johanna hissed. " How could I be more important than the Joker to you?"
Batman closed his eyes. Then he removed his cowl.
Johanna's bright green eyes expanded.
"Bruce…" she whispered.
The two of them stayed silent for a few minutes, simply staring at each-other eyes.
The second after, they were kissing passionately, like they had never kissed anyone…
Everything was blurred around Batman. He could barely hear the Joker's voice, coming from behind him:
"Baaaats! Pay attention to meeeee!"
He shook his head and rubbed his temples. He was feeling like when he woke up from some sort of hallucination.
He turned over the Joker, who was bleeding and lying on the floor.
"Oh, now that your dear vortex has disappeared, then you notice me!" The Joker grumbled.
Batman raised an eyebrow. The vortex? So…he was where he had been before jumping into it? Had he hallucinated the whole other dimension thing? Had he been, in some way, hypnotized by the vortex?
It had been so strange…
He had hallucinated that he was married to the Joker! And the strangest part was that, when he thought of it, this idea did not disgust him…no, actually, it made sense!
The Joker and him had a very long-term relationship…They perfectly knew each-other, and Bruce was now persuaded that if things had been different, they could have been great friends, and even more, according to what he had hallucinated…
Johanna was the kind of girl that he liked, after all, as well physically than mentally speaking…
He crouched near the Joker.
"You're not a girl, are you?" he asked.
The Joker paused, surprised by the question, and then he giggled.
"Do I look like one? Does it mean that you find me pretty? It must be the lipstick, teehee!"
Batman lifted him up by his collar. Then he patted his nemesis's torso. He wanted to be sure.
"Ooooh, Bats! Feeling naughty, tonight, aren't we? You know if you are so desperate to touch my body, you just have to ask, sweetie!"
"Hum."
He released him and let him fall on the floor. The Joker laughed, once again, but Batman didn't pay attention to him. He remembered how the kiss that he had shared with the Joker of his hallucination tasted. So sweet. So…natural.
Did his subconscious had been trying to tell him something with this hallucination?
"Joker…" he said with a low, more serious than ever voice.
"Yes? What is it, honeycakes?"
Batman brought his face closer to the Joker's.
"What if I kissed you?"
The Joker's eyes opened wide.
"…Are you serious?"
"Aren't I always?"
To Batman's surprise, the Joker frowned, a look of pure anger painted on his white face.
"Take me back to Arkham, Batman." He hissed, crossing his arms.
"Wh-"
"Shut up. You constantly rejecting me is one thing. I'm a grown man, I can bear with that. But if you…dare to make fun of the way I feel for you, I promise you, Bats, I kill you."
Batman grinned slightly:
"Now who's in denial…"
"I'm not in fucking denial, Batman. I'm just being lucid."
"You told me yourself that you knew I loved you."
"Do you love me, then?"
Batman didn't answer.
"Just as I thought," the Joker snickered bitterly. "C'mon, take me back to Arkham before I scratch your pretty eyes out."
"Joker, if I didn't know you better, I would say you are scared…"
Bruce really didn't know what game he was playing right now. But he was pretty sure that he wasn't Batman anymore. Nope. Currently, he was playboy Bruce Wayne.
"Scared? Scared of what, smart-ass?"
"Scared because even in your craziest dreams, you wouldn't think that I could play along with your romantic jokes. Because that's all they are, after all. All those cute nicknames…jokes…"
"I'M NOT JOKING!" he spat. "If there is one thing, one thing with which I am completely serious, Batman, it's with you!"
"Prove it, then."
Then he grinned, mimicking the Joker's voice:
"C'mon, darling. Prove it."
The Joker curled up, bringing his knees close to his chest.
"No."
He suddenly sounded like a scared little boy. How could a man that brilliant be that childish, it was a true mystery…
"You will reject me again." he pouted.
"Hum. Very well, as you wish. Too bad for you. Come on, I take you back to Arkham, then."
"No, wait!"
"Yes?"
The Joker stood up slowly, and then moved towards Batman, never turning his gaze away from the vigilante. His eyes were more serious than Bruce had ever seen them. There was no spark of joy, no threat…
He put a hesitant, purple gloved hand on Bruce's torso, tracing the bat-symbol with his index. Bruce didn't move. He wanted to know if the Joker would actually have the guts to do it. If all he had said about him loving Batman were not empty words.
The Joker moved his face closer to Bruce's, and then he moved back. Then he moved closer again. Bruce could hear his brain working.
Finally, the Joker tip-toed, and, closing his eyes, he pressed his mouth against Bruce's.
The kiss was shy at first, but the Joker became quickly hungry for more and it did not take him long before he deepened the kiss.
Bruce held the Joker tight, running his hands along his waist, then his back, then his hair. The kiss felt just like he had imagined it. It felt…right. Just right. As if they had always been supposed to end up kissing. As if it was fate. The Joker had told him numerous times: they were soul mates. The yin to the other's yang. They completed each other…
No matter what gender they were, if they were married or if they fought every night.
They would always be dragged to each other. Two unstoppable forces…
Meant to be.
Oh, and the vortex just randly pop out of nowhere. No explanations for that, because I forget focusing on details XD