Juicy Fish: a Sword in the Stone/Lord of the Rings Crossover
Merlin and the Wart, temporarily transformed into fish, swam happily through the moat singing,
"To and fro, stop and go,
That's what makes the world go 'round.
In and out, thin and stout,
That's what makes the world go 'round."
Suddenly, a slimy hand reached down and grabbed the Wart, and began banging him against a rock. To the same tune, a strange creature was singing,
"Rock and pool, nice and cool,
That's what makes the fish so sweet.
It's our wish to catch a fish,
And they will be so juicy sweet!"
"Help! Help! Merlin, something's got me!" Squealed the little perch, startling Gollum.
"It speaks!" exclaimed Gollum. He dropped the fish, and then covered his head as a disgruntled owl swooped down and started pecking at his head.
"Drop that fish at once, you beggarly beggar," reprimanded the owl, "Young perch is my favorite dish!"
Suddenly, a large old Man emerged from the moat, shaking water from his beard, "Now see here, Archimedes, you mustn't go eating the Wart."
"Wizardses!" gasped Gollum, staring at Merlin in fear. "We hates wizardses!" Archimedes hooted and flew up to land in a nearby willow tree.
Ignoring the gangly creature, Merlin turned to the Wart, who was flopping around in the shallows. "Snik, Snak, Snorum," he commanded, and the Wart grew back into a young boy.
"See, I'm not a fish, I'm a boy," the Wart told Gollum, squeezing water from his tunic. "You can't eat me." Gollum covered his head and moaned, and Merlin turned around to size him up.
"I haven't seen the likes of you in Britain for hundreds of years," said the Wizard thoughtfully, "Or is it I won't see you for hundreds of years? This living backwards thing gets confusing. In any case, what do you think you're doing, trying to eat my pupil?"
"We just wanted to eat some fish," moaned Gollum. "We only eats fish now. No orcses or hobbitses left in the world."
"Aren't you that Gollum creature Gandalf used to talk about? I thought you died in a volcano or some such."
"We did, we did," moaned Gollum, "But Trickster brought us back, yes. Trickster wanted us to go on living forever, and we never sees our Precious again. Precious is gone, but Smeagol still lives," He cried and moaned pathetically.
"Send him away," grunted Archimedes. "The old beggar is crazy, and you know what he's been up to, Merlin!" Gollum glared at the owl. "He also has terrible grammar," hooted Archimedes snootily. "Do you want that kind of influence around the boy?"
"Merlin," said the Wart, "I don't know what happened hundreds of years ago, but this poor old fellow is hungry. You can see his ribs. Can't we let him eat that pike that almost got us last week? I'm sure there's plenty of fish in the moat for old beggars." Gollum looked hopefully at the boy. "And frogs," the Wart added." Gollum's lamplike eyes lit up.
Merlin smiled at his kindhearted student. "I'm certain Sir Ector can find a job for Gollum here at the castle. Gollum's done some very bad things in his life, but he has also suffered much. If you must live forever, Gollum, it would be better to do some good with your life."
Merlin spoke to Sir Ector, who for all his bluster was often kind to passing strangers and lunatics, and the old Knight decided to give Gollum the job of cleaning the moat and monitoring the fish population. Gollum got as many fish as he wanted and a place to live, where he could hide under the drawbridge from the Yellow Face -- or Archimedes. When the Wart became King Arthur, he had a small stone hut built so that Gollum could live in peace and comfort with his fish for the rest of his existence.
The End
Notes: The Trickster is Loki, who comes from Norse mythology, which is the inspiration for many elements in Tolkien's "The Hobbit" and "The Lord of the Rings", which are the source of the character Gollum. The start of this story was a plot bunny that hopped on me when I was humming the tune of "That's what makes the world go 'round" from Disney's "The Sword in the Stone," and suddenly realized that Gollum's little fish song fit well with the tune, especially the way Andy Serkis sings it in Peter Jackson's movie, "The Two Towers." I wrote that down, and the story just kind of sprouted.
"The Sword and the Stone" was based on a story with the same name, which is part of T.H. White's "The Once and Future King." I have included elements from both the movie (the song and some of the dialogue) and the book (Wart's and Ector's kindhearted nature, Merlin living backward, etc). I intend no copyright infringement on any of these books or movies.
I think that Loki might find it amusing to bring Gollum back to life just to annoy people. Of course, whether he's capable of this, and whether he's free to perform these feats at this point in history is debatable, but since "The Once and Future King" already contains many anachronisms and contradictory crossovers (Such as Robin Hood/Wood and the singing of "God Save the King"), I feel at liberty to insert as many more as I want!