Haruhi and the Six Dwarves Chapter 1: Where is the third music room, an ouran high school host club fanfic

Chapter 1: Where is the third music room?

They say that every fanfic has a section where the author or the authoress tells the readers that he or she has no connections with the original producers what-so-ever. So having said that, let us now start with the developing of a strange and pointless disclaimer of this kuso piece of crap that was somehow acted out by Natsu herself along with everybody's favorite red-headed twins.

The authoress randomly crawled out from under a string of black curtains in a Sadako-like manner and spoke randomly to a near by camera lens while waving like a maniac. "Konnichiwa, minna! This is Natsu's very first fanfiction in 5 years, so she hopes that it will suit your taste."

A boy with flaming red hair stepped out from behind the authoress and stood at her left side, looking at her unbelievably, "Whoa! Five years?! Are you serious?!...So—..." the boy stopped in mid-sentence just as another boy, who was obviously the twin of the first one, stood at the right side of the authoress, poking her head with a finger since she is shorter than him by an amazingly huge amount, "...How old does that make you, Natsu?"

The authoress hopped back, blushing furiously, "Eh? W-why'd you want to know?! Eh?! Eh?!...Ha-haven't you guys heard of the saying, 'A lady—..."

Just then, the twins forcefully broke her train of thoughts by chorusing the exact same sentence while leaning toward her at the exact same time, "Remember Natsu, you're not a lady, so don't use the whole 'A lady never tells her age' thing on us!"

The authoress stood there in shock just for the hell of it then finally recovered from her speechless mode after who knows how long, "...Oh, just shut up and do the disclaimer you idiots!" said she.

"What a boring lad..." the red-heads again, said in unison as they tried hard to hold back their chicken-like laughter when the authoress yelled out something about not being a "lad" but a "lady" (Yes I am a lady. All those who are denying this fact can go slip on a banana peel and land in a puddle of poop! Bleh!) and all while waving her arms up and down as if she were a mad cow.

"Okay okay, stop it with the idiotic acts already," commented the older one of the two clones. "Natsu does not own Ouran High School Host Club or any of the characters within it. All she's responsible for is the twisted story itself and nothing else."

As always, the younger twin finished the rest of his brother's sentence, "So if you don't like the story, please sue her for our sake."

"Very good." the authoress was finally satisfied and nodded approvingly. But just as she was about to turn around and crawl back under the black curtains, something hit her tiny brain, and she realized what Kaoru has just said, "...Say what?!"

"Hope you enjoy the story." The two little devils chorused smoothly once more along with their famous (Or would it be infamous?) identical Cheshire cat grin. They are the Hitachiin twins after all, what else would you have expected from them?

(Special thanks to CLAMP, the creator group of Card Captor Sakura, for the verbal contract of the Key of the Seal; I hope they won't mind me alternating parts of it in the story...)

It is a pleasant and lovely afternoon on the campus of the Ouran Private Academy. The birds are singing, the sun is shining, and best of all, the authoress isn't included in the story for this whole entire chapter; meaning that she wouldn't be ruining it as bad as she wants to. Or would she?...So anyways, our twisted version of the famous fairytale – Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, of course, takes place in everybody's favorite room, the third music room.

However, if you wish to read on, you must first start with finding your way to the third music room itself. And since I, the brilliantly gorgeous plus kind-hearted plus understanding authoress of this fanfic, am nice enough to torture the hell out of you all, I shall give you the instructions as to how to make it to your designated area without a single scratch on your beautiful skin.

First of all, you'd have to run around the campus with a total of exactly three hundred and fifty seven laps, just so you'd get used to the grand hallways of this rich people school.

Secondly, go to a commoner's supermarket and buy a steak that is as wide as a hippo that is trying to lose weight but ends up gaining more; a certain commoner who has just entered the school has been feeding this kind of commoner steaks to the werewolves guarding the school ever since her first day, thus making the werewolves always hungry for the juiciness of the meat.

Third step, feed the steak to the werewolves while hearing a random 'ding!' sound, notifying you that you have just passed the first level of the challenge.

Once you have entered the school from the main entrance, ignore the misplaced forest in the middle of the lobby; if you think that you could get out of there in less than a week then you are most definitely wrong.

Turn to your right and take 8375630293 steps, then turn to your left and hop forward in a bunny-like way 2098374659 times while counting all 39875632 hidden weapons that some random maniac authoress has inserted into the school ground some time earlier. Afterwards, get into the restroom for a quick three minute pee break (Or whatever else you'd like to do in there which is most likely none of my business.) and continue with your journey. Moving on once you have left the restroom with another 28937474023 steps, you will then enter the dark magic club room with approximately 47489302984 scars all over your petite body, while you think to yourself, 'Oh that damn authoress! And to believe in her promises of helping me get to the host club room without a single scratch!'

After that bit of mumble jumble, you can then take the broken ladder that hangs beside a sexy looking picture of a blonde; one that has huge squiggly letters spelling out 'Watashi no Oniichama' doodled across the bottom part with purple crayons, to get to the second floor. Remember to pick some Dark Mushrooms as souvenirs while you are climbing the ladder and trying to balance yourself. Don't ask why, just do it, because you shall soon find out the reason to it all.

You will see a stream of river as you finally come to the top of the broken ladder that has about 938478291 wooden sticks for you to place your feet on. To cross the river, you must learn how to float in the air with the help of the Dark Mushrooms that you have just picked (See? They do come in handy. Remember to give Nekozawa-senpai a thank-you-call afterwards, by the way. Just in case he plants a curse on you 'accidentally'.), so place them in the centre of your palm, and chant the following line, "O Key of the Dark Mushrooms. There is one who wishes for a contract with thee. A (boy/girl), named (Insert name here.) O Key, grant (him/her) power! Release!" With that, the Dark Mushrooms will start inflating and thus carry you across the river.

When you have finally gotten across as instructed, you will find yourself all of a sudden wearing a pink fluffy dress in which only a certain girl who goes by the name Ichigo Momomiya from a certain show called Tokyo Mew Mew would wear. Then you can do either of the following: one, squeal in delight, if you were a pure-shojo manga fan. Or two, scream in pain, if you were someone as tomboyish as the certain-commoner-who-feeds-werewolves that has been mentioned from before. It doesn't matter what you have done in order to show your love/hate for pink fluffy dresses, you will still (somehow) end up standing in front of a huge sign with the picture of the three-year-old Elysia Hughes, whose Father works as a lieutenant colonel of the Investigations Division from another of the Bones Studio project – FullMetal Alchemist. (No advertisements intended here.)

Beside the adorable picture of Elysia, there is a red button with a piece of paper that says 'Press me' attached to it. Of course, you'd have to push the button. Five seconds later, you will realize that nothing has yet happened. You push once more, but nothing has...Oh what the heck! The brilliantly gorgeous plus kind-hearted plus understanding authoress doesn't know what's going to happen anymore! So ahem, anyways, seeing as I, the brilliantly gorgeous plus kind-hearted plus understanding authoress of this fanfic, am able to realize that you people are all thinking, 'Oh my God when on Earth are we going to start reading something that actually has relations with the title, Haruhi and the Six Dwarves?!' I, the brilliantly gorgeous plus kind-hearted plus understanding authoress, shall let you off easy and give you the instructions in taking the shortcut to get to the third music room

First, float back across the river using the Dark Mushrooms and follow the path where you have gotten to the second floor in the first place; climb down the ladder that has 938478291 wooden sticks, take 28937474023 steps to get back to the restroom and rest for another short while (And remember to release the liquid in your bladder even if you were too lazy to unless you want to wet your pants when you start dodging the hidden weapons that are coming up. Take your pick.) to regain energy. Count and dodge all 39875632 hidden weapons while cursing the brilliantly gorgeous plus kind-hearted plus understanding authoress who may now seem not so brilliantly gorgeous plus kind-hearted plus understanding to you. Hop forward in a bunny-like way 2098374659 times and this time, turn to the right instead of the left, or you'd be leading yourself to the newspaper club room, then finally, take 8375630293 more steps, and you are now standing in the lobby once again.

Okay? Okay. Try not to get lost from this point on, because we're now getting into the hard part.

Take the swirly stairs that you always see during the Ouran High School Host Club theme song — Sakura Kiss, of which Mori and Honey always happen to appear on with Hunny bouncing off the walls like a drugged bunny, and get to the second floor. Ask any random girl who looks like an onna-otaku as to where in Ouran the third music room is, and chances are, they'll know exactly where they're leading you. And voila! You made it there alive!

Eh? Don't look at me with those eyes, you know you don't want to kill me because being the brilliantly gorgeous plus kind-hearted plus understanding authoress of this fanfic, I, the brilliantly gorgeous plus kind-hearted plus understanding authoress, actually came up with this idea of making your trip to your destination an ever eventful one. Now feel grateful and chorus "All hail Natsu!" in unison. Alright, let us now open the grand doors of the third music room.

Author's Note
With that, we have at last reached the stage of the authoress's extremely pointless kuso fanfic.
The central idea of the fanfic shall be reached in the next chapter, with the authoress herself trying to please (Or would it be force?) the host club members to join in on her drama production of the Ouran High School Host Club version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
I know, my dears, this is not the most humourous and grammatically correct fanfic you have ever read, but that shall do for today, seeing as I'm getting tired sitting in front of the computer trying to squeeze lame ideas out of myself. So please go and submit me a review as to what you'd like to see in the play of Haruhi and the Six Dwarves for the time being.
Laters.