Schrift A: How the X-Axis Stole Christmas
I.
It was Christmastime, and all through the land
The Quincies were stirring, whether boy, girl or hand.
For once every year, the Quincies give up
Trying to stuff the Shinigami into a small plastic cup.
Whether as jovial as Mask, or as grim as Cang Du
All of them, all the Quincies, each one of them knew.
Even Yhwach, with his panties permanently in a bunch
Spent one day a year trying to not throw a punch.
In the center of their fortress, among the ice and the snow
Was a tree, that exuded a brilliant white glow
With the proud Quincy's cross adorning each and every branch
It was a sea of white, matched only by a winter avalanche.
But there was one Quincy there whose mood was more dark
His panties more bunched up than their beloved monarch.
From France or from Spain, nobody seemed to know
His Schrift was "X", his name-Lille Barro.
"Look at those fools, how much worse can they be?
Bouncing around here, all brimming with glee
Acting like the Shinigami are of no real concern
Year in and year out, when will these fools learn?
All it is is an excuse to get out of work,
Or kiss up to somebody." said the lone Quincy jerk.
"This blasted day, Christmas, that all these people love
Just makes me want to slap them all with my glove.
This day, this farce, they all say I'm irate
But there is no other feeling-this day fills me with hate."
Haschwalth had said he was being too cruel
Giselle tried saying something, but Lille only saw the drool.
Gremmy said that this day gave imagination a bump
While Liltotto told him "You've got a stick up your rump."
Even BG9, whom Lille thought had no feeling
Had expectations as high as the ceiling.
"How?" said Lille, "I expect this from Mask."
"Santa brings me data, what more could I ask?"
That name annoyed Lille, 'twas the source of his woes.
"That jolly old fart, with those bright red clothes.
He's the source of all this, of that I am sure
For that fat, old disease, there is only one cure.
For my sanity and theirs, there is one thing to do
To stop this foolishness, I know it to be true."
He sneered a cruel sneer, his eye brimming with cause.
"To put an end to the nonsense...I must destroy Santa Claus."
II.
Christmas Eve came upon the world of man
As "The X-Axis" knew it was time for his plan.
"Just a quick little trip through the Gate of the Sun,
I'll put one between his eyes-oh this will be fun."
Through the Sun Gate he went, to the top of the world
He sneered once again, his plan now unfurled.
He trecked through the woods, til he came to a stop
And saw a house with a sign that read "Santa's Workshop."
He peered through the window, and saw who was there
'Twas the elves making toys, and a man with white hair.
"This will be easy, but I need to be quick."
Then he crashed through the window, yelling "EAT LEAD, ST. NICK!"
Santa noticed the noise, and to Lille's surprise
He dodged the shot-a quick man for his size.
Lille blasted the elves, little pests that they were
And turned to face Santa, his moves like a blur.
"Hello Santa", he said, "sorry if you've no breath.
My name is Lille Barro-I bring tidings of death."
Lille readied his gun, and again to his shock
Santa dashed right behind, and dropped Lille like a rock.
Lille was stunned-could it really be so?
"It can't be..." he thought, "was that-Shunpo?!"
Santa smirked and said, "have I brought you to hush?"
He took out something-a calligraphy brush.
His red eyes went blank, and he smiled with glee
As he uttered the words, "Blacken, Ichimonji."
III.
'Twas the night before Christmas, and the Wandenreich stirred
As Yhwach pondered to himself, "what was that thud I just heard?"
The Quincies gathered 'round, and were dumbfounded to see
A large brown sack, hanging from the tree.
They pulled down the sack, and Lille tumbled out
Now dressed as Santa, he started jumping about.
"Oh happy day!" he shouted with a fuss
Santa turned "The X-Axis" into "The X-Mas".
Had he lost his mind? Perhaps just a pinch.
Merry Christmas to all-nobody likes a Grinch!
Schrift B: Kenpachi's Winter Job
"So, Captain..." began Ikkaku, "what exactly are you planning?" Kenpachi Zaraki was sitting in his office, with Ikkaku and Yumichika also in there. "I'm planning to buy that Nui chick a gift for Christmas. All I need is my debit card and I should be good." "Er, slight problem there, Captain..." began Yumichika, "You're all out of money in your account." "What?! How the fuck did that happen?!" "Well, uh...we kind of took your card with us on our trip to the Human World a few weeks back..." "How the hell did you spend all my money on THAT?! Wait...were you buying dirty movies again?!" "...maybe." "Oh so THAT's what it is! It all makes sense! I was wondering why the hell my bank statement said I paid for something called 'The DiamondThrust Rebellion'!"
"Well how the hell am I gonna pay for a gift now?!" demanded Kenpachi. "Well..." began Yumichika, "you can always get a temporary job. Just enough to pay for gifts." "Freaking wonderful. Any ideas?" "Well there's this." Ikkaku pulled out an ad. "The hell is...oh no. NO. No way in hell am I-"
The next day Kenpachi was sitting in his office...wearing a Santa suit. "You have got to be shitting me..." he grumbled. "How do you think I feel?!" Toshiro Hitsugaya was standing next to Kenpachi, dressed as an elf. "Well hopefully it won't be too busy." grumbled Kenpachi. "Yeah, keep thinking that." said Toshiro, who gestured forward. A long line had formed outside the 11th Division. Kenpachi grumbled further. "SHIT."
I. Ikkaku and Yumichika
"Hey Captain!" exclaimed Ikkaku. "Oh great." groaned Kenpachi. "The hell do you guys want?" "Well, we wanted to-" "NOT YOU." Kenpachi rose up and punched Ikkaku away. "Serves him right for spending all my cash. Alright, whaddaya want?" "I was just going to ask for some more movies." said Yumichika.
Kenpachi's expression did not change. "Get the fuck outta my face with that shit." he said.
II. Izuru Kira
"Whaddaya want, emo-boy?" said Kenpachi. "Psychological counseling." replied Izuru. "I hear you on that. What the hell for?" "Well, not for me. For Captain Otoribashi." "Oh. He still thinks he's in a Disney movie?" "Yes, but he's getting worse. It's gotten to the point where he's singing in different languages now." "You're shitting me." "I wish I was. Have a look."
Izuru played a video on his phone. "Keiner sonst ist sostämmig und sehnig~! Und mein bizeps ist ganzwunderbar~!" "Holy-" uttered Kenpachi. "Und seht mein Körper, er strotzt voller haar~!"
"So, can you help him, Captain Santa?" "...dude. What he needs is an exorcist."
III. Mayuri Kurotsuchi
"...and so to summarize, I require two dozen hypodermic needles, three dozen new specimens, a few oxygen tanks, some Quincy organs, a half-dozen Arrancar spleens, Toby Keith's new album, a new computer preferably with twice as much data storage as my current one, the souls of a hundred virgin Fullbringers, a map of Hueco Mundo..."
Kenpachi sat in silence. "Kill me now, oh merciful creator." he thought.
IV. Aikuro Mikisugi
"Well hello there, Santa..." said Mikisugi. "Who the hell're you? Why's your junk glowing? And where the fuck're your pants?!"
"Well, for Christmas I'd like a few things..." "Howzabout we start with a G-string?!"
V. Nelliel Tu Odelschwank
"Alright, shorty, who's next? Not that I think I wanna know..." "Careful what ya say, Santa..."
"Hmm? What the-" Nel (in her adult form) hopped onto Kenpachi's lap. "Hi Santa!" she exclaimed. "Well, hello nurse..." thought Kenpachi. "Looks like this job's got its perks, after all. Better not say something stupid."
"Alright, greenie, whatcha want?" "Well...I could use something to hide my mask fragments. People surprisingly don't take all that well to horns. And maybe a new sweater..." "For when it gets all nipply out, right?" Silence. Nel's expression turned annoyed. "Whoops."
VI. Ira Gamagori
Kenpachi, his eye blackened, was looking up at Gamagori, who had a mistletoe hanging from his chin. "OK, frog-dude, explain something to me. Why. The hell. Do you have that thing on your chin?" "Well, uh..." said Gamagori, blushing. "I was hoping that for Christmas I'd get my first kiss." "So why the hell are you talking to me? Why don't you go ask one of those skimpy girls from your world? I'm sure they'd be happy to-"
Toshiro's eyes widened as kissing sounds were heard. Kenpachi sceamed in anger. "GAAAH! BASTARD! YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD!"
VII. Gremmy Thoumeaux
Gremmy stood before Kenpachi. "Hey Santa!" he said with a grin. Kenpachi growled. "Oh don't worry, I'm not going to sit on your lap." said the Quincy. "Best goddamn news I've heard all day." replied Kenpachi.
Suddenly, a giant, vicious-looking bear appeared on Kenpachi's lap. "Nope, I'm reserving that honor for my new pet! Say hello to Santa, Mr. Fluffybutt!" The bear roared as Kenpachi's eyes widened. Toshiro winced at the scene, as slashing and biting noises, combined with screams that sounded like Tom the Cat, could be heard.
VIII. Mako Mankanshoku
A heavily bandaged Kenpachi sat in silence as Mako read aloud her list, which stretched longer than her own body. "My God, she's worse than Yachiru." he thought. "Okey dokey, that's it for the food stuff, now for the clothes!" "Girlie, we've been sitting here for almost half an hour, aren't you any closer to finishing?" "Oh don't worry! I'm about five sections away from the halfway point! We'll be done in no time!"
Mako continued reading her list as Kenpachi could only sit in silence. His eyes had long since become empty.
IX. Shinichi Izumi
"The hell's up with you?" Kenpachi said to the nervous looking young man. "Uhhh, hey Santa. I need a humongous favor. There's this thing in my hand that I can't get rid of..." "So go see a doctor, I can't do shit about that." "No, it's not like that, it-" Suddenly Shinichi's hand gained an eye and a mouth. "Shinichi, are you attempting to ask this rather large man to separate us?" "Oh be quiet, Migi! I don't have any other ideas!"
Shinichi continued arguing with his hand as Kenpachi reached for his phone. "Yeah, Kurotsuchi? I think I have something for you to poke and prod. It's weird and freaky, right up your alley...uggh, no, I still don't have the freaking album..."
X. Kon
"Hi Santa!" shouted Kon. "OK, what I want is-" "NO." Kenpachi pulled out his sword and pointed it at the plushie. "I haven't fallen so far that I'm gonna take requests from a freaking doll. Now disappear." "But how else am I gonna get a Nozomi blow-up doll?!" Kenpachi's expression became blank.
A short while later, Toshiro returned from a bathroom break to find Kenpachi cutting lines into the wall. "Uhhh, Zaraki? What're you doing?" "Cutting lines into the wall." "Uh-huh. I can see that. WHY are you cutting lines into the wall?" "Because I've lost control of my life."
XI. Last One
"OK, that should be the last of 'em, THANK GOD." groaned a defeated Kenpachi. Toshiro looked outside the door. "Ep, hold on a sec, looks like we've got one more." "Oh, lovely. Alright, send 'em in. Sooner the better."
Kenpachi's eyes widened as the ground began to shake with each step the person took. He looked up to see PePe Waccabrada standing before him with a grin on his face. Kenpachi screamed as PePe drew closer. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Later, at the 4th Division barracks, Kenpachi laid in a bed in the medical ward. A pink balloon with "Get Well Soon! ~Yachiru" written on it was next to his bed. "Well isn't this just fantastic. I can't believe that tub of lard actually sat on me! For once I try doing something nice and I get shat on for it. Now I get to spend Christmas alone in a freaking hospital bed! And I haven't even gotten a cent to buy a gift! What a load!"
Kenpachi noticed that a pink present was lying on the desk next to him. "The hell...?" Kenpachi grabbed the box, only for the box to suddenly unravel, as someone popped out. "Wha-it's you..." It was Nui. "Hey there, handsome~! I heard you were all down in the dumps so I came here to fix that~!" "You're killin' me here, darlin'." "Aww, don't get all sappy-" "No I mean it, my legs're crushed and you're sittin' on 'em, it hurts like hell." "Oh, woops~!" She jumped off the bed. "Hehe, so I guess that means no naughty business..." "Eh, I'm not mad. You bein' here's satisfyin' enough." "Aww, you're too much~! Hey, when you're all healthy ya wanna go torment the townspeople with me~?" "I can think of no better way to spend my Christmas, darlin'."
And so the surly 11th Division captain ended up with a good Christmas after all. And what of the other Shinigami? Well, outside the 3rd Division barracks...
"P-please, Captain Otoribasihi, you need to come to your senses!" yelled Izuru. A huge crowd had developed, as Rose had locked the door to the barracks. "He isn't responding, what should we do?" Gremmy walked forward. "Hang on, I've got this..."
Rose sat in his chair. "Dismissed! Rejected! Publically humiliated! Why it's more than I can-" Mr. Fluffybutt appeared in front of Rose, growling.
And the Soul Society on Christmas came alive with the sounds of Tom the Cat's screams of anguish.
Schrift C: Mayuri's Incident
Within the confines of the Shinigami Research and Development Institute...
"Captain Kurotsuchi...is that what I think it is?" asked Akon. "Yes indeed..." "How on Earth did you get this much?" "Simple, really. Your mom got it for me. Regardless...how should we go about distributing it?" "Well...the Captain-Commander is having his annual Christmas 'Tea Party' with all the captains and lieutenants. Perhaps find a way to spike their tea." "Yes...yes of course." "So what's going to happen once they consume it?" "Who knows? It wasn't made for people, after all. Nobody's been foolish enough to try it. Do you get what I'm saying? We will go down in the annals of history for this. We will become heroes!" "We're awesome."
Later, in the First Division...
"Alright, before we begin..." began Yamamoto, "Zaraki, where is your lieutenant?" "Out." "'Out'? Doing what?" "Eating candy off the side of the road, fuck if I know." "*sigh* As if I should have expected anything different. Anywho...where is Kurotsuchi and his lieutenant?" "Well, he told me that he and Nemu are going to, and I quote, 'practice the time-honored Christmas tradition of giving coal to small children and harvesting their tears for research purposes'." said Renji. "Oh, of course. How could I have forgotten." said Yamamoto dryly. "And as for you Otoribashi...why are you still dressed like that Gaston fellow?" Rose said nothing and simply winked. "Well, with that out of the way...Chojiro! Fetch the tea!"
A short while later..."I don't know about you all, but I'm feeling unusually frisky at the moment." said Yamamoto. "Same here. We should all pair off and have a shag-fest." said Kenpachi, smiling. "Is that literally all you think about, Zaraki?" asked Toshiro. "I agree with Zaraki. Perhaps we need to take this party 'downtown'." said Shunsui.
"Chojiro! What did you put in this tea?" asked Yamamoto. "Nothing aside from the usual, Genryusai-dono." "Well, whatever you did with it is making everyone feel a little...lively." A messenger from the 2nd Division appeared. "Hm? What's this now?" "A message from Captain Kurotsuchi, Captain-Commander." Oh wonderful. Thank you. Have some tea while you're here."
Yamamoto began reading the message. His eyes widened. "Kurotsuchi...has drugged us. 'Congratulations! You have been selected for a groundbreaking experiment. Each cup of your delicious tea has been methodically spiked with copious amounts of horse viagra. You all should feel honored to partake in this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Now prepare yourselves for group hate sex'!"
The room fell silent as everyone began looking around. The 2nd Division messenger stopped mid-drink. "Chojiro...I need you to find the key to the Central Underground Prison. This might get messy."
Elsewhere Mayuri and Akon were watching the video feed. "Excellent, it's proceeding as I predicted!" said Mayuri. "Erm, Captain...where are they going?" asked Akon.
Later, Sosuke Aizen was sitting in his god-chair within Muken. With his mouth sealed, all that remained was an eye and his own thoughts. "Another day, another 24 hours of endless nothingness. Least this chair has a built-in toilet, otherwise the nothingness would be 200% more uncomfortable. Wait, the door's opening...the Captain-Commander? And he has most of the captains and lieutenants with him, along with an Onmitsukido messenger. Have they finally come to end me for good? A lot of good that'll-"
"Wait...they're taking off their...oh no. OH NO. What the...what is this?! They're...oh dear lord. What's that bald nimrod doing with that staff?! Is that Kyoraku's lieutenant spanking Ukitake with a book?! And dear god, Otoribashi! I didn't think it was possible for a man to have breasts that large! This is absurd! This...this is my real punishment. They couldn't just seal me here and leave it at that, oh no. They had to give me a show! A crude, depraved show-oh my god, Kyoraku, that's not what your hat is for! And doesn't Komamura being here constitute beastiality?!"
"C-Captain Aizen..." "Wha-Momo?! Wait...why are you looking at me like that?" "CAPTAIN AIZEN!" "GAH!" Momo proceeded to lunge at Aizen.
Meanwhile, Mayuri sat watching the video feed. He was wearing a cowboy hat and listening to Jimmy Buffett. "Um, Captain Kurotsuchi...exactly what data were we trying to gain?" asked Akon. "Oh, wake up you blithering prep. There was no data. This is purely for my own amusement. A Christmas gift to myself, if you will." "Uh-huh...you do realize you're not getting away with this, right? Especially since you sent them a note..." "Oh, right, about that...do you remember what you were doing two hours ago?" "Not really, now that I think about it..." Mayuri pulled out a vial labelled "Mind Drug." "You were writing that letter, of course."
Suddenly two Onmitsukido members appeared in the room and grabbed Akon, as Mayuri shut off the video feed. "Wha?!" "There you are! Drugging the higher members and forging a letter, eh?! How shameful!" "No, wait-!"
The guards dragged Akon away as Mayuri smirked. A few minutes later, Nemu walked in. "Mayuri-sama? He's getting restless." "Oh, bother. Alright, hand me my mask."
Shinichi was sitting in a small room with nothing but a TV. "Hey, come on! All I said was that I didn't like country music, that's it! You don't need to lock me up for that!" Suddenly Mayuri's face popped up on the screen, wearing a replica of Shinji's Hollow mask. "Hahahah! A test subject has no right to object! And I'll have you know that country has a lot more heart in it than that dub-steppy crap you kids listen to nowadays! Now then, listen to uncle Kurotsawchi, because I'd like to play a game! It's called, 'Suffer ironically at the hands'-get it? Cuz of the hand thing!-'of one of the worst films ever made!' Fwahahaha!" The TV screen switched from Mayuri's face to a title screen: "Manos: The Hands of Fate."
"Oh God, please! Anything but that!" yelled Shinichi. "Fwahahaha! Man these extra rooms sure do come in 'handy'!" said Mayuri over a loudspeaker. "Gah, you are such a try-hard!" said Migi.
Mayuri returned to his office. He turned the Muken feed back on. "No, Momo, stop, don't use your sword that way-!" "Hahaha...Merry Christmas, you embryonic troglodytes!"