Renesmee's Special Needs

Renesmee. Her name was like Esme and Renee put together, get it? Isn't that clever? Please tell me it is clever, I came up with it myself and I have really low self esteem.

Renesmee is so beautiful. Just like her dad, Edward, the love of my life. He is so beautiful and has such a nice crooked smile I love him so much oh my god I could just have sex with him without stopping forever and ever. The only weird thing is my BFF Jacob is in love with my daughter, because he is a werewolf and imprinted on her. But he isn't allowed to do anything with her until they get married, because premarital sex is evil but pedophilia is ok as long as you are married, right?

Anyway there was something we started to notice a few years after Renesmee was born. She developed much faster than humans, and appeared to be about seven years old at age 3. Jacob started to notice that her eyes were kind of far apart and her nose and face were kind of flat.

"So I just looked through Edward's high school biology book, and I realized that Renesmee can't have 24 pairs of chromosomes. I thought that since Edward has 25 and you have 23, your offspring would have 24, but that's actually not right," Carlisle said. He was a doctor, but he had just recently learned how to read. He really liked reading Edward's textbooks, they were full of knowledge and knowledge is power. I like to read classic books, that makes me a deep and interesting character.

"What? But that makes perfect sense that she would have 24 pairs of chromosomes!" Edward said. "It sounds so scientific."

"Yeah. Next you'll be telling us that Jesus actually never went to America, or that God doesn't actually live on Kolob," I said.

"Well what really happens is a baby gets one set of chromosomes from its mom and one set from its dad, and then they pair up to make however many pairs of chromosomes. So Renesmee actually has 23 pairs of chromosomes and two unpaired chromosomes. So she has (23x2+2) 48 chromosomes in all," Carlisle explained.

"Wow, that's two more than I have, 46+2=48!" I said. I was so smart, my brain was like a calculator.

"And two less than I have, 25x2-12+3+9=50!" said Edward.

"Yes, that is correct," said Carlisle.

"So what does this mean?" I asked.

We all stood there for three days, not moving. We are vampires, so we can stand in one place without moving for however long we want. Edward looked like a beautiful marble statue. He was so sexy and beautiful. Did I mention he was beautiful?

"I know!" said Jacob, randomly running into the room. "Renesmee has down syndrome!"

"But she is so smart. We all thought she was so smart," I said.

"Well, there is something else I discovered...I think I have known it for a long time now," Carlisle said. "We are all retarded."

"Oh, so that's why Renesmee seems so intelligent to us. We are all just as retarded as she is," I said. "That explains why it always took us so long to figure out things that were blatantly obvious."

"Yes, exactly," said Carlisle, drooling.

The end.

For the record:

I would not consider myself a fan of Twilight, but I have read the books and I enjoy making fun of them. I do not mean to offend people who are fans, I just want to write funny stories that make everyone laugh.

I do not condone using the word "retarded" in reference to mentally handicapped people, as it is considered offensive by that community. I use that word here for the sake of comedy. People who have down syndrome can live useful and fulfilling lives.

If you enjoyed this, please read and review my other work! Thank you!