I was in the mood to write some angst and, as always, am Twilight obsessed, so tada! Edward!angst. The ending escaped, I couldn't remember how I planned to end, so I ended up with this. Oh well.
Disclaimer: My name is not Stephenie Meyer; therefore, I do not own Twilight. I would kill to own Edward, though.
I used to love the night. Hours in which a vampire can do anything he wants to. No worries about humans, no worries about the sun, pure freedom. When I met Bella, that didn't change in nature, only what I did to occupy myself. My nights were better spent in her room than holed up in mine, listening to music I knew already or rereading a book.
Until now, that is. Nighttime is when my sweet Bella dreams of things that I do not know. My imagination runs wild through the silent hours of the night.
On this particular night, she is curled up, as per usual, in my arms, a blanket separating her from my cool skin. Almost before she is fully asleep, my mind is already at war with itself. The two smaller parts, each screaming for me to be doing something more than just lying here, are silenced easily.
Half of me is content to just lie here, perhaps to use the hours to contemplate the future. A future in which, might I add, I will not have to think of things to do every night as my love sleeps. The other half has much more…self-destructive intents. Unfortunately for me, the second half wins tonight.
Bella shifts ever so slightly in and mumbles something remotely resembling "Come back…" My overactive imagination is already at work, overanalyzing her words.
Who is leaving? Who does she want to come back? Does she really want him to come back?
It could be a her…my pathetic protests are in vain. My guilt and I both know that there are two options for her dream.
Option one: she is dreaming about Jacob. She wants him to come back for some reason, any reason. More than likely, Bella is dreaming about the day of the fight, when she so desperately wanted him to be safe. I can only hope that she has made the right choice now and doesn't want him to come back…but if that was her wish, I would not stand in her way.
Option two: she is dreaming about me. She wants me to come back after I so stupidly left her. Throughout the long months of our separation, it was all she wanted; I can only imagine having to dream about it as well. It was hard enough dealing with the pain being awake all the time.
Either way, she was hurting. When I thought about the real cause, I was the reason she hurt. I hate to see her hurt and when she does, I want to destroy whoever is causing her pain. But since I am the cause…I want to kill myself. It would be far better than to have her be in pain.
If I could have cried, I likely would have. When I came back, I had promised never to hurt Bella again, and what had happened? She is still hurting and I am still entirely to blame.
Bella shifts again, this time rolling over. I loosen my hold on her, allowing her whatever freedom she needs. She whimpers in her sleep and wraps her arms around me tightly, clinging relentlessly to my chest.
"Don't leave," she whispers hoarsely. Had my heart been beating, it would have stopped right then. So I am the cause of her nightmares. I was leaving her again. No matter how hard I tried, I still found a way to hurt her.
I gently pull her closer to me, glad for once that the blanket between us prevents me from freezing her to death. I do not know if she will hear anything I say in the deep sleep she is, so I don't try. With the presence of my cold arms, however, she seems to realize I haven't left.
"Edward?" Bella whispers. Her worried eyes scan my face, almost like she can't believe I'm here. My guilt threatens to consume me as the pain I still cause her becomes even more apparent.
"Shh, love. I'm right here." She believes me when I speak, but tightens her grip on me. Her small frame is shaking slightly as she presses her face into my shoulder. The agony…
"It was so horrible…you were leaving again…" her voice is barely audible, even to a vampire. I could have joined her in crying at the sheer agony in her voice. But I have no such luxury. Instead, I have to make do with comforting her and hoping that someday my guilt will stop nagging me.
"It was only a nightmare, Bella. I will never leave you; I am here forever." My words along with gently rubbing her back seem to work. She drifts off to sleep, her body still pressed against mine.
The guilt threatens to overwhelm me, to drag me into a dark place and never let go. And yet, I am comforted by the fact that she is here, she wants me, and that she is not letting me go.
The underlying issue here is my own dark remorse. I cannot change the past, no matter how much I wish I could. Perhaps…dare I even think this…perhaps I had to screw up once to understand. Perhaps this huge mistake actually helped us in the end.
So perhaps she is not in pain because I could leave her again. Perhaps it is because she has had to live without me and the pain was too much to bear.
Perhaps the point is not the past; it is knowing what we cannot do in the future.
So maybe I still love the night. I can hold my fiancée in my arms, dream about the future, and learn from the past.
Kiowa loves reviews that are actually reviews and not just 'I loved it' or 'update soon' (by the way, this is a oneshot. There weill be no updates.)