Disclaimer: I do not own any Fullmetal peoples. :)
A Trip to the Beach
It was eight in the morning, and the homunculi have finally arrived at the beach. About time too. One more whine out of Wrath and Envy was going to kill the kid for good this time. He hated going to the beach. Everything always went wrong. Greed always got all the ladies, Wrath wouldn't stop screaming, and everybody always mistook him for a palm tree. Why? He had no idea. All he knew was that if he stood still for too long those crazy humans would start laying beach towels in his shadow, and then run away screaming when he moved. Once a lady actually got mad at him for moving and demanded that he stay there for the next two hours. He would have moved but the bitch had pepper spray, and that stuff really hurts.
While Envy was busy mumbling unintelligently to himself, the rest of the group had already left to find a spot on the beach.
"Mommy . . . .I wanna go in the water now. . ." Wrath whined as Sloth was trying desperately to hold down the beach towels. She was quickly running out of limbs.
"Mommy's busy right now, and can't go in there with you. Why don't you get Envy?"
"Cuz. . .he might try to drown me."
"What makes you think that?"
"Cuz last time he buried me in the sand up to my head in time for high tide. . ."
"Alright sweetie, I'll be in the water in a minute. Envy come here."
"Whadya want?" Envy sulked over.
"Come watch our stuff while I go in the water with Wrath"
"Who said I don't wanna swim too." Envy pushed back.
"Because you complained about coming to the beach the entire way here."
"Fine, but you owe me."
"Sure, sure, whatever." Envy plopped down on the beach towel. What the hell was he supposed to do now. He had been planning on kicking sand in kid's faces. There had to be something to do here.
"Look at that palm tree mommy! I wanna climb it." A nearby kid squealed.
"What the hell, I'm not a freaking palm tree kid." Envy screamed at the kid. What was up with these humans?
"Oh Wow! Mommy! It's a talking palm tree!"
"What?! I'm not a palm tree!"
"Mommy will you take my picture with the talking palm tree?
"No way kid get outta here! I'm going kick you. . . ." A bright flash quickly blinded Envy before he could finish the threat.
"I can't wait to show everybody the talking palm tree. . . ." the child excitedly chattered as he ran off with his mom.
"Damn it! That's it I'm getting a new hairstyle first thing in the morning." Envy grumbled.
Elsewhere on the beach, Roy Mustang and his squad has just arrived for a day of fun and relaxation. Riza had not even finished setting up their site when she caught Roy flirting with the nearby women.
"Colonel, you really should put on some sunscreen before you go flirting about." Riza scolded as matter of factly as she could.
"Lieutenant. . . .I'm a man. Men don't put on 'sunscreen'."
"But sir, you'll get sun burnt."
"Psh. . . I don't get sun burnt, lieutenant. Now will you be a dear, and go get me something to drink?" Roy pleaded with the best puppy dog face he could muster.
"Of course, sir."
"Much's gracias, lieutenant!" Roy chirped cheesily while quickly going to back to said ladies.
Riza rolled her eyes, and noticed what the colonel was wearing.
"Oh Colonel!"
"Not now lieutenant, I'm busy."
Oh well he was just going to have to find out for himself.
"Ed please give me back my head!" Al demanded of his older (supposed to be more mature) brother.
"Al, I told you I was going to use your head for a pail since I left mine at home." as a matter of factly stated Ed.
"But big brother why don't you just transmute yourself a new pail, I can't just walk around the beach headless!" Al panicked.
"Relax, will you, nobody's going to notice, they're all too busy playing around."
"Eiiiiiii. . . . It's a headless man." a random woman ran away screaming.
"See big brother!" Al huffed.
"That was just one lady" Ed retorted.
"You're just being stubborn, big brother."
"Am not."
"Are too."
"All right, all right you can have your head back, I'm done with the sand now anyways." Ed tossed him back his head, and headed off towards the restroom.
"Crazy paranoid, brother. . ." Ed mumbled as he entered the restroom.
"Ah, fancy meeting you here, Fullmetal."
"Oh no just when I thought I was getting a break. . .what are you doing here, colonel?"
"Oh I just decided it would be a good day to enjoy the sand, the cool water, enjoy the breeze. . ."
"You just wanted to see how many cute girls in bikinis you could find." Ed interrupted.
"Well you can't blame a man for trying. See you later, Fullmetal, the ladies are waiting." Roy said as he merrily departed.
"Maybe I should have told the colonel that he was wearing. . .." an evil grin spread across Ed's face, "Nah. . . .he he."
At about noon, Envy was sitting in a pout bubble wondering what all those girls saw in Greed. For crying out loud! The dude was anything but cool. If only they knew Greed's sleeping habits. The idea hit Envy almost as fast as a major league pitch.
"Damn, that hurt." Envy rubbed his head, and then proceeded to dig through Lust's bag.
"Ah ha, here it is." He pulled out her cell phone, and quickly ran over to where Greed was entertaining the "ladies".
"Hey ladies, I have something you might wanna see." Envy merrily announce.
"Gross, why is that palm tree talking to us." One girl proclaimed.
"I'm not a freaking. . .oh never mind." he pulled out the phone, and revealed the picture he had of Greed. Greed had just been standing around when he noticed all the girls had left him and were giggling about something Envy had.
"What does that punk got?" Greed strode over, but stopped and turned bright red when he saw the picture Envy had. It was a picture of him in pajamas with footies. Curled up on the couch with Mr. Cuddlekins, sucking his thumb. What the hell Envy? I'm going to kill you!!" Greed lunged at Envy. Envy's eyes got about the size of a tennis ball when he realized his mistake.
"Eepp!" Envy dashed off across the beach flinging his arms all about.
"Come back here!" Greed demanded while chasing him with equal speed.
At about lunch time, Colonel Mustang came back to their spot for something tasty to eat.
"Lieutenant, why haven't you change into you swimsuit yet?" Roy pouted.
"Because I haven't had the time to change, I was too busy trying to find your drink, sir."
"Well go ahead and change, I insist."
"Alright sir, if you insist."
With that Riza got up and headed to the changing rooms. After she had left, Roy was just sitting there wondering what kind of swimsuit the lieutenant had.
"Hmmmm. . . . Hopefully it will be an itsy bitsy tinny winney yellow polka-dot bikini." Roy wondered as optimistically as possible, and was soon finding himself anxiously awaiting the return of his subordinate.
"I'm back, sir." Riza announced a few minutes later.
"Ah. . . Lieutenant." Roy sang as he turned around, only to be sadly disappointed. "What is that?" He inquired. Riza was wearing a single piece swimsuit with board shorts over it.
"It's my swimsuit, sir."
"That's hardly a swimsuit!" Roy complained. He had been anxious to see his lieutenant in something a bit "better" in his opinion.
"Hmpf, if I may, you're one to talk, sir." Riza retorted.
"What are you talking about lieutenant? I have the best suit around! Everybody stares in envy when I walk by! They can't keep their eyes off of me! Hahaha!" Roy struck a Captain Morgan pose as he announced his achievement.
"If you insist, sir" Riza tried to hold back her laughter. The colonel would have to just figure it out on his own.
Wrath and Sloth had been playing in and out of the water for the last few hours. Lust had soon joined them, and the three of them had been having a rather delightful day. That was until Wrath made an announcement.
"Mommy, I gotta go potty!" Wrath announced with the most surprised voice they had ever heard.
"Well dear, the restroom is right over there." Sloth pointed out.
"But the line is like fifty miles long, and I gotta go, Now!"
"Uh. . . .well then I guess you can go here." Sloth reluctantly replied.
"But mommy, I don't have too pee. . . "
"Oh. . . ." Sloth looked around for a couple of seconds." Why don't you got back into those trees and go, sweetie."
"Ok" Wrath called out as he was running towards the destination of his reliving point. Just as he arrived and was about to go, when Envy came slinking around the corner trying to hide from Greed still, just to see Wrath in an awkward position.
"What the hell are you doing, you runt?"
"I'm poppin' a squat." Wrath gleefully declared.
"You had better not be poppin' the same squat I'm thinking about!" Envy squealed. Wrath just sat there grinning from ear to ear, as Envy quickly took off the opposite direction.
Ed and Al had been working on their sand castle for nearly four hours now, and it was one impressive structure if Al said so himself. Ed had cheated a little bit (ok maybe a lot) and used his alchemy. Their castle rivaled King Bradley's mansion. They were going to win the contest for sure.
"Ah, this is a mighty fine castle you have here, Fullmetal." Roy announced his presence. Al looked over to great the Colonel, but was completely stunned when he saw what he was wearing. "I see you are stunned by my amazingly good looks, Alphonse."
"No sir, do you realize that you're just wearing underwear?" Alphonse pointed out as Ed laughed his head off. Roy looked down at his 'board shorts' for the first time that day, and realized that he indeed had been wearing his boxers all day rather than his shorts. He quickly ran off towards the changing rooms after this discovery.
"Lieutenant!!!" he cried the whole way there.
Ed and Al laughed so hard Ed almost peed his pants.
"Quite big brother, the judge is coming." Al quickly straightened out Ed.
"Well well who do we have here." The judge grinned manically.
"Oh no! What are you doing here?" Ed and All exclaimed simultaneously as Greed walked up.
"Don't you two think I'm going to go easy on you two just cuz I know you." Greed manically grinned. Ed and All had a feeling that they weren't going to win.
As the sun set, everybody was leaving an interesting day at the beach. Envy was scarred in more ways than one, especially when some dude mistook him for a woman. He likes the palm tree theory better. Sloth and Lust were completely disgusted as Wrath repeatedly gave his account of 'taking a dump' out on the beach. Greed had gotten about twenty different numbers from girls, as well as fifty slaps from the other girls who the evil palm tree showed the picture of him sleeping too. He wasn't with Envy yet. Ed and All didn't win the contest. Far from it, somehow they got eighth place even though there were only seven entrees including them. And Colonel Mustang was red as a lobster by the days end. Riza could only laugh and tell him "I told you so. . ." he wasn't in the mood to hear it. This day was defiantly not his day. And so ends another interesting day at the beach. Next weeks agenda included: bowling, rock wall climbing, and April Fool's Day. Nobody was looking forward to Envy's pranks.
AN:First Fullmetal fanfic. Please review, no flamers please. :)