The revised A/N: Yes, even this got betaed! My beta gave me a slap (er, virtual of course ) for writing what she called "self-deprecating author's note" and ordered me to delete it immediately. Hee! BUT I'm still saying that I think this is the strangest fic I've ever written, but that's not in a negative way so don't slap me again, Ahmie!
Beta's note: it was more of a virtual bap upside the back of the head – I'm really not that vicious, but hey, she was making it sound like she was ashamed of this or something and that was unacceptable!
That was my ROXIN' beta, Ahmie, from Gryffindor Tower :hugs Ahmie: Really, you were right! Thanks for the HUGE encouragement!
Disclaimer: Title of the fic is from the song "All You Wanted" by Michelle Branch. Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling.
All You Wanted
Harry Potter stormed out of the common room, slamming shut the portrait of the Fat Lady in the process. She squawked out something about young people not showing respect for the ancient anymore, but he barely heard. He needed to get away from there, fast.
It was something that Ron said. Harry tried to slow down a bit, to remember what had gotten him so mad in the first place. Something about – oh yes. The bloody Yule Ball. They were sitting in front of the common room fire, and Ron was going on and on about that sodding ball, about dress robes and Hermione and dates and dancing and butterbeer and having fun until Harry thought he was slowly going crazy from listening to his best friend.
He remembered, his cheeks going red in embarrassment now. He had stood up and yelled, "SHUT UP, RON! I don't care about this bloody stupid ball, all right! I'm not going! We don't even deserve to be all jolly and merry when – when there's a war going on out there!"
Hermione would've given him a prefect-lashing if she was there, but she was in the library. Ginny was sitting with them at that moment, and she stared at him in shock, disbelief – and something else Harry didn't recognize. She had opened her mouth to say something, and that was when he stood up and left.
Harry pressed his forehead on the cool stone wall. It was true, this was all pretense. Having a ball, getting happy and high for one night, only to wake up the next morning to realize the horrors are still there. He was safe – they were all safe in Hogwarts, and that only added more to his guilt that he, the target of Voldemort, was safe and alive while others were dying out there. Because of him.
He heard footsteps approaching him. Harry sighed loudly, and still keeping his head down, said to the wall, "Look Hermione, I know Ron probably sent you to talk to me but I'm fine, just go away and leave me alo—"
"It's me."
He turned around in surprise. "Oh!" Ginny was standing there, looking at him, her eyes bright. Harry turned away and faced the wall again. "Sorry, thought you were Hermione. Just leave me alone, okay?"
"No."
"What is bloody wrong with everybody these days!" he lashed out. "When I say 'Leave me alone', I mean ALONE! With no one else around but me! Go away!"
"Why are you pushing us away, Harry?"
He started. Pushing—? "I-I'm not pushing you guys away—"
Ginny crossed her arms. "Make up your mind, will you? You just told me to go away and then you say you're not pushing us away."
"I just want—"
"And this is not just about now, either. You've been detaching yourself from us. Locking yourself in you own little world. Pushing us away. Why?"
"It's—"
"Tell me, Harry."
Harry turned to face her. "It's not fair," he whispered.
"What isn't?" she asked softly.
He gestured outside. "Out there…there's a war going on. People are dying – because of me. I should be out there, fighting—"
"It's not your time yet."
"When will my time come!" He slammed his fist against the wall. And again. Ginny just stood there and watched him, not even stopping him. It hurt, and it felt good. He wanted to hurt something badly. Hurting himself was as good as any. "The clock is ticking! If I don't do something, more people are going to die!"
"You still haven't answered my question. Why are you pushing us away?"
Harry grabbed her by the shoulders and started shaking, shaking her madly. "God, don't you get it! The people who died – they aren't even related to me in any way! What more will Voldemort do to the ones I care for!"
Ginny let herself be shaken, seeming limp in shock. Then her eyes flashed with anger, her face turning red, signs of the coming onslaught of the Weasley temper. And then—
SLAP.
Harry staggered backwards at the force of the blow. He clutched at his right cheek, pretty sure there was an angry red mark on it right now. "Ginny, what—?"
"You need to wake up, Harry James Potter." Ginny's voice was chillingly calm. "You are so bloody full of it!"
"What the hell are you—"
"This isn't just your battle!" Ginny hissed. "It's ours. The whole wizarding world's. Why the hell are you shouldering it all by yourself!"
"Voldemort—"
"—Is not only your enemy," she cut in furiously. "I can't believe you're so – you don't even know everything!"
"What do I not know?" Harry asked, half-angry, half-confused.
"You only knew you were a wizard when you turned eleven years old! Before that, what? How do you think we lived our lives back then, up to now? By closing ourselves to one another? No! We cherished each other, we loved each other. And here you are, saying 'I love you guys, so sod off'!"
"It's not like tha—"
She cut him off again. "You're nothing but a selfish bastard, Harry."
"I am NOT!" he shouted. "Why can't you see that I'm only thinking of—"
"Of what? Our welfare?"
"YES!"
"No, you're not! Why are you so afraid if we die? Why are you closing yourself to us now? Because when we all die, you're afraid of being alone again. That's why you're pushing us away. So when we're gone, it won't hurt as much. You aren't thinking for us at all! All you're thinking about is yourself!"
Harry's eyes widened. "That's…"
"The truth." She looked at him, her eyes suddenly brimming with tears. "Isn't it?"
"You lie." Harry slumped, starting to slide down the wall. "It's not true."
"Oh, Harry." Ginny walked over to him and tried to hug him. He stopped her, his eyes glazed.
"No. Ginny, just go and leave me alone, please. I mean it. Please," he whispered.
"I'm not going anywhere and I mean it, too. I'm staying right here."
"What more do you want from me?" he spat out, suddenly alive again. "Why – Why don't you just…"
Then he grabbed her and pulled her forward. Wrapped his arms around her waist. Crushed his lips against hers. Kissed her furiously. A kiss meant to bruise, to destroy her.
Ginny wrapped her arms around his neck, her hands buried in his unruly hair, sending chills down his spine. She opened her mouth and gave him all, gave him everything. She gave and gave, and he took and took. She gave, she touched, and she healed.
Harry pulled away and buried his face in the crook of her neck. "Ginny…why?" he sobbed out, his voice muffled. "Why are you always….just there?"
"Because," she paused, stroking his back, "I love you."
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
"No," Harry lifted his head to look at her, the color draining from his face, "you don't."
"I do," she insisted.
"No! Say you don't. You don't, Ginny. You can't…"
She traced a finger across his cheek, then cupped it with her hand. "Why not?"
He looked into her eyes. "Please understand," he said huskily. "Yes, I may be a selfish bastard. In all honesty, I'd rather have you – all of you – far and away from me…but safe and alive. Rather than by my side and…die."
Ginny sucked in a breath. "What are you saying?"
Harry hugged her hard. Then he pulled away, though letting his hands still touch her by the waist. "I still mean it, Ginny. Forget all about me and – just go."
She clutched his robes and shook her head. "You don't know what you're asking of me," she said hoarsely. "I'm going to leave you alone. Forever. If that's what you want, I'll do it. But think about this first. Tomorrow you'll wake up, go down to the common room, and I'm not there. Can you see it? Is that what you really want, Harry?" She stared at him with a haunted look in her eyes. "Say it, then. Say you don't want to see me ever again. Say it," she pleaded, her eyes begging for the opposite.
Suddenly, memories of the times they spent together flitted through his mind.
Ginny waiting for him in the common room so they could go down to breakfast together.
Arguing with Ginny over who gets the last toast at the Gryffindor table.
Ginny sitting beside him as they did their homework. Sharing an inkbottle with Ginny while doing their homework. Getting into an, unbelievably, ink fight with her. Getting ink on the tip of her nose. Him wiping it away, her nose turning adorably red under his touch.
Ginny lending him one of her quills when he found out Ron was using his.
Ginny helping him make up his Divination homework. She was always better at making up stuff than Ron and him. Hermione shaking her head disapprovingly at them as they wrote Harry's sad fate on a parchment.
Him helping Ginny with her Potions essay. Getting her essay back with a grade of "O". Laughing about how Snape would have given her a "D" instead if the professor knew he helped her write it.
Playing chess against Ginny. And losing every time.
Sneaking down to the kitchens under his Invisibility Cloak with Ginny for a midnight snack.
Getting caught while sneaking out. Doing a detention with Ginny.
Visiting Hagrid with Ginny. Ginny popping one of Hagrid's toffees in her mouth before he could warn her.
Drinking butterbeer with Ginny in the Three Broomsticks. Ginny sneaking a bit of Firewhisky from Madam Rosmerta. Him, choking after he had taken a sip, and Ginny's face as flaming red as her hair after she had taken hers.
Planning with Ginny to get Ron and Hermione together. Hiding behind a classroom door as they watched the two fight, make up, and admit their feelings to each other all at once. Ginny's giggles giving them away.
Ginny hugging him while screaming at the top of her lungs and jumping up and down after they won a Quidditch match.
Staying up with Ginny and just talking about things.
Ginny reaching out to hold his hand.
Ginny being there. Just always there.
If she went away – if they all went away…he'd be…
Alone.
Isn't that what he wanted? To be left alone?
Ginny's hands slid down to her sides. She hesitantly stepped away from him. Harry opened his mouth to protest, but no sound came out.
She smiled shakily at him, her eyes sad. "Your silence is as good as a 'yes,'" she told him. "I promise to do what you asked. You won't see me again." Ginny turned around slowly, facing away from him.
"Goodbye, Harry," she said in a choked voice.
Harry watched her take a few steps – away from him – before he understood what was happening. He leapt forward and grabbed her by the wrist, turning her around to face him. "Ginny—"
She stared at him, her face already streaked with tears. His heart ached fiercely, seeing her like that. He lifted one hand and gently brushed her tears away. Then he mirrored her action earlier, tracing a finger across her smooth cheek before cupping it with his hand.
"Stay," he said hoarsely.
Fin.