Quick Dry Humor (it is not mine, just read it on some website a while ago)
Q: What do the Norse God Thor and a Dwarven Blacksmith have in common?
A: They both take a Hammer to their problems.
Q: What so the Norse God Thor and the Greek God Zeus have in common?
A: They both have shocking powers.
Welcome dear readers. This is just going to be a one-shot unless a number of reviews come in telling me that it has potential as a series. If you review, please leave a comment as to what could be different/added in the event that it turns into a series.
The young girl looked on as members of her Familia laid waste to a monster horde from the safety of a nearby hideout.
The 10 year looked on in awe as the group of Humans, Elves, Dwarves, Werewolves and Demi-Humans as well as a few mixed races fought side by side, covering each others' backs, performing combination attacks.
She was brought out of her mental state by a gentle hand pulling on her shirt.
"Hiide-onee-chan." She turned to look at the near albino boy of 8 years next to her…and he looked worried. "Are To-san and Kaa-san going to be alright?"
"Hey, Bunny-kun." the girl said. "They are doing fine."
Just then something started hitting on the door of the hideout…
…
The Female groaned and got up, having fallen out of bed.
She had dreamed that particular memory every night for the last week. A memory that was 6 years old.
"Hilde? Are you awake?" she heard a voice.
"I am now." She grumbled out a reply.
"About time." The person opened the door. "Our Lord wants to see you."
Hilde looked at the dwarf that had opened her door.
"What about?" Hilde asked.
"No Idea. He just said that he wants to see you as soon as you have awoken." The dwarf said.
"Ok, Gus." She answered, stretching her limbs. "What time is it?"
"You missed breakfast." Gus said.
"Oh well." Hilde said, walking up to the door.
Leaving her room, she followed the dwarf down the corridor. To the left and right, fellow familia members greeted her and joked about her having slept in again.
She greeted them back and made individual jokes about their attires.
Eventually after 31 greetings and short conversations she and Gus arrived at a large set of doors adorned with the symbol of her Familia: a Hammer surrounded by Lightning.
"Good luck." Gus said.
Sighing, Hilde opened the doors and entered the main hall.
"I am surprised that you are up this early." She heard a man speaking on the other side of the hall. He was sitting on a basic oak throne and had a large hammer leaning against said throne.
"Don't make it sound as though it is the first time I have woken up this early, Thor." Hilde told him.
Thor snickered.
This is the Norse God of Lightning, Thor. He was a fairly large and muscular man who also is the leader of the Thor Familia here in Orario. The Hammer leaning against the throne is none other than Mjolnir, Thor's personal weapon.
"No. But usually you'd sleep until noon." Thor told her.
"Gus said you wanted to talk to me." Hilde said.
"Yes. I am sure you heard of the young adventurer, 'Little Rookie?'" Thor asked.
"I may have been sleeping a lot, but even I have heard of him." Hilde said. "The current record holder for reaching level 2 in just over a month." She looked Thor in the eyes. "What does this have to do with me?"
"Well, Hermes came by earlier and brought me some very interesting news…news that might interest you." Thor said.
"And you trust that pervert?" Hilde asked. "You do know what happened last time he met me."
"I do, and honestly that pervert deserved everything he got then. Nice punches by the way." Thor told her. "But no. The reason I am telling you this, Brynhildr, is because Hermes mentioned that the Little Rookie may be a surviving member of the Zeus Familia."
Hilde's eyes widened and all sleepiness disappeared from her body. The Zeus Familia? She hadn't heard that name in being mentioned in context to anyone here in the city for 5 years, every since she arrived in the city.
"Are you sure of this?" Hilde asked, face darkening.
"Hermes says he is sure." Thor said, face grim.
"Where is that ero-god?" she asked.
Shortly afterwards, Dungeon Entrance
A blonde man wearing a hat with a feather in it shivered slightly, before sensing someone behind him.
He turned around to see a very annoyed looking blonde female with a decent rack and waist wearing the armor of the Valkyrie party of the Thor Familia, widely considered to be one of the most problematic parties in Orario due to their habit of going berserk when drinking. Even the manager of the Hostess of Fertility is weary of them.
"G-Good morning, Brynhildr-chan…" Hermes began, only to start sweating when her face became angry.
"Look here, you damn perverted God." She almost shouted, grabbing his collar and lifting him off the floor. "Your smooth talking has never worked on me before, nor will it ever, so don't fucking 'chan' me." She let him go.
"Master Thor told me something interesting about the 'Little Rookie'. Tell me, is this information legit?"
By now most nearby interactions had stopped as adventurers and non-adventurers alike looked at what was going on.
"Hmm…It took me a long time to get that information, I am going to have to get compensation…" Hermes began.
"Your compensation will be me not cutting off what little remains of your manhood after I caught you trying to peek on my party and me at the hot spring, and force feeding it to you." Hilde growled.
Several of the male onlookers paled and stepped back whilst covering their jewels.
Hermes too paled as she was the type to follow through with that threat.
"His name is Bell Cranell and he is a member of the Hestia Familia." Hermes quickly and quietly told her. So scared was he that he missed the slight widening of her eyes when he mentioned the name.
"And you are sure that he is affiliated with the Zeus Familia?" Hilde asked. Hermes nodded.
"Good. And thanks for the info." With that she left him just standing there, breathing deeply in relief.
"Oh…and one last thing." Hermes immediately started sweating at that.
Sometime later
"Ah, Lady Brynhildr. Welcome back." Hilde's friend, Geirdriful (Or Riful for short), greeted her.
"Gather the others, please." Hilde told her. "I need to talk to Thor."
"We going to the dungeon?"
"No. Paying a visit to another Familia." Came the answer.
"Again?" Riful called over.
Another thing the Valkyries were known for were their numerous attacks on other Familias…mostly for legitimate reasons…though they may or may not have been drunk at one or two times and attacked the Loki and the Hermes Familias at some point...
"What did the Hestia Familia do?" Herja asked.
"No idea. Lady Brynhildr just wants us to be ready." Riful said.
"She probably wants to challenge someone in that Familia." Göndul said.
"Isn't the 'Little Rookie' in that Familia?" Mist asked.
"I think he is…" Sigrun began.
They all fell silent at that.
"You don't think…" the youngest Valkyrie, Skuld, began.
"Yeah…lets go and pray for the kid, shall we?" Herja proposed. The others agreed.
"And to make sure she doesn't kill him. I heard that he is only a level 3.
"Right…he leveled up recently didn't he." Göndul said.
Meanwhile, with Hilde and Thor
Thor was fighting back a massive headache that was yet to come.
"So let me get this straight…You want me to allow you to visit the Hestia Familia?" he said.
"Pretty much yea." Hilde answered.
"You do remember what happened last time you 'visited' a different Familia, right?" Thor asked.
"Yeah. Hermes offered us the use of their hot spring and tried peeping on us." Hilde said. "The other Valkyries and I just delivered his just rewards."
"Ok…that reason was legit at least. What about the time before that?" he asked.
"Loki tried to grope my boobs and ass. I left only her buried in the concrete." Hilde's answer came immediately. "Some of the female Loki Familia members actually thanked me for it."
"…and the times before that?" Thor was feeling the beginnings of his headache.
"Hephaestus was chilled and personally beat up the drunk elf that tried groping Mist, so that was not us. Set asked us for help as some in his Familia were causing trouble to other Familias. Ishta tried seducing Riful and me into leaving your Familia…the two of us were lucky to have been drinking that evening else we might have fallen for her charms…fortunately we were drunk and had a nice brawl. Then with…" Hilde began recounting al of her 'visits' to other familias when Thor interrupted.
"Alright, alright, so you had legitimate reasons for causing trouble at those times." Thor wrote some things down on a piece of paper. "This is a letter of introduction and a disclaimer."
"Disclaimer?" Hilde asked.
"That any damage you girls will do there will be on your tab instead of that of the Familia's." Thor said, handing her the rolled up sheet.
"Come on, we aren't that bad…" Thor shut Hilde up with a glare. "I promise that I will try not to destroy anything."
That evening
"Remind me to feed Hermes his balls net time I meet him." Hilde muttered as they arrived near their destination.
The others agreed. Hermes' information had sent them on a goose chase to find The Hestia Base…and be it out of spite or not they had initially gone to the old church that used to be their base, only to find it the remains of a battlefield.
Deciding to cool their heads down with something to drink, they headed towards the 'Hostess of Fertility' Inn. Luckily there they overheard some people saying that the Hestia Familia had taken over the residence of the Apollo Familia, which had disbanded following their attack on the smaller Familia.
…which led them to where they are now. They stood on the roof across the street from the main entrance.
"Shall we go and greet them?" Mist asked.
"Just remember that anything we break here will be on our tab, ok." Hilde said, jumping to the street below.
"We should be telling you that…" some of the Valkyries muttered.
Moments later
Liliruca Arde, the Supporter of the Hestia Familia, was happily drinking tea on the front porch when she noticed the 7 heavily armed individuals approaching the building. Fearing for the worst, she quickly ran inside to warn the others.
"Bell-sama, Hestia-sama, everyone, we have 7 unknown people approaching." She called out.
"What did they look like?" came the answer from Hestia, who ran into the hallway half dressed. Meanwhile Bell, Welf Crozzo, the resident Blacksmith, Mikoto Yamato, the temporary member who transferred from the Takemikazuchi Familia, and Sanjouno Haruhime, the Renard they rescued from the Ishtar Familia, were already standing on guard, ready for anything.
…well almost anything…
Instead of breaking down the door as they expected the intruders to do, there came a basic knock on the door and a voice called out to them.
"We are the Valkyries from Thor Familia." The voice said. For some reason Bell thought that he knew it from somewhere. "We request entrance."
"Valkyries? Thor Familia?" Bell asked.
Welf started sweating. "The Valkyries are a Party of 7 very hot chicks whose lack in common sense is made up for in being extremely powerful. It is said that together they can give Ottar trouble." He explained. "Their leader is a level 5 whilst the members are mostly level 4's and one level 3."
Yamato was surprised. "They can give the only level 7 in Orario a hard time?"
"They also cannot hold their liquor and would go on drunken rampages." Welf continued. "Mia Grande-san from the Inn is wary of them as well."
"Then what do the Valkyries want with us?" Lili shouted out.
"Can't we come to visit?" the voice came, annoyed. "Look Thor gave us a letter of introduction. If one of you could open the door so that we could give it to you…"
'I know that voice…but from where?' Bell thought.
"Lili, see if their story checks out. Everyone else, prepare to provide support in case this is a trick." Bell called out.
"Got it/Roger that/Hai." Came the answers. Bell prepared to fire a fireball.
Lili opened the door a bit, and a scroll was pushed through the opening.
She hurriedly closed and bolted the door and brought the scroll to Hestia.
Reading the contents, Hestia's eye twitched. "Thor still cannot write properly, but this is definitely his handwriting."
"What does it say?" Haruhime asked.
"From the parts I can understand it says: "The Valkyries wanted to go and visit you and promised me to pay for the bills themselves if they break anything. Best regards, Thor.""
For a moment there was silence.
"What the Hell?" Welf asked.
The others wanted to ask the same thing.
"You have read the damn message, so what is taking so damn long?" came the voice.
"Have you read the message?" Lili called back.
"How the hell should we be able to read it if the ink he uses is only readable to other gods? Besides that, did you know that his handwriting is even worse than Loki's?" the voice was really annoyed now. "Wha…Wait, Lady Brynhildr…what are you doing?"
"Oi, Usagi-chan. Is that you in there or are you another survivor of the Zeus Familia?" another voice shouted out.
"How do you…" Bell began, but was cut off.
"Just open this fucking door before I break it open." The voice shouted.
"It can't be…" Bell shouted out, sprinting towards the door. "Hiide-onee-san?"
"Oh…it really is you, Usagi-chan." Bell opened the door only to suddenly have a hand ruffle his hair whilst another arm pushed him in between a pair of fairly large breasts, rivaling his Goddess's in size.
"Have you grown any since we last saw each other?" Hilde greeted.
"Yes I have. It is just that YOU have grown way too much." Bell said, before embracing her, much to the evident shock of the other Valkyries…some of whom became jealous.
"Bell-kun…" Hestia growled. "Care to explain?"
"This is Hiide…" Bell began but was interrupted by Hilde punching his head.
"You couldn't speak my name properly back then so that was only the nickname you used for me." Hilde said, holding up her fist. She turned to the others of the Hestia.
"Forgive me for that, but it would be better if I introduced us. I am Brynhildr, leader of the Valkyries. This is…" Hilde began to introduce the other Valkyries, Geindriful, Herja, Göndul, Mist, Sigrun and Skuld.
"Why are all of you armed for Battle?" Bell asked.
"Because people like that pervert Hermes often try to have their way with us if we walk around in casual clothing." Skuld said.
Riful drew a dagger, which was identical to those on the belts of the other Valkyries. "With these we can at least cut them down to size."
Bell and Welf backed away from her, sweating hard.
"A-anyway, I am sure that you and Bell have a lot of catching up to do, why don't you make yourselves comfortable?" Hestia stammered. She wasn't even male and the words hurt her in places she never thought she would be feeling pain.
…that dagger just looked so very painful…
Before they could give an answer, the door behind the Valkyries burst open and members of the Loki Familia rushed through.
"Ah…it is the 7 heavenly beauties…" a red-haired boy with a female voice shouted, jumping at them with groping hands. The first 6 Valkyries stepped aside whilst Hilde grabbed both of Loki's hands with one hand and with the other grabbed Loki's head. Ignoring Loki's screams of pain, Hilde turned to Hestia.
"Do you have a waste Pit or something I can throw this thing into?" she asked. Moments later she felt the tip of a sword at her neck.
"Release her, Brynhildr." Hidle saw Bell freeze and become captivated by the speaker.
'Oh-ho…Usagi-chan has found someone…pity it had to be HER…' Hilde thought. She knew whose voice it was from the start. 'Bell will have many problems trying to get this natural airhead to return his feelings. Best of luck for him.'
"Well, if it isn't the Sword Princess." Hilde said.
"I would like you to refrain from throwing our God into a cesspool, Shield Maiden Brynhildr." Aiz said.
"Aiz-chan…I knew that you cared about me…" Loki cried out happily.
"But you may beat her up like you did last time." Almost all of the Loki Familia members agreed with Aiz…at least the females did.
"EEEEEHHHHH?!" Loki's happy face turned to one of Horror.
"Girls…want to help me with this?" Hilde asked her fellow Valkyries. Only two of them cracked their fingers, Herja and Sigrun. The others were helping Hestia bring in several couches and benches and made themselves comfortable for the show.
"He? What are these Bitches doing here?" a grey haired Werewolf asked.
"Shut up, dog breath. I'd rather ask what the Loki Familia was doing here." Hilde asked as she and the other two Valkyries turned Loki's Evening into Hell.
"What did you call me?" Bete asked, eyes turning aggressive.
"Leave her be, Bete." The elder Amazonian twin, Tione, said.
"They are doing us all a favor at the moment." The other twin, Tiona said.
"Question." Riful asked. "What is the Loki Familia doing here?"
"Well, we were on our way home from Visiting spending the afternoon at the 'Hostess', and on the way saw you guys entering through the gate." Tiona said.
"When we heard the shouting we came running." Tinoe added.
"And? What are you doing here?" Bete asked.
"Our Leader wanted to pay the Hastia Familia a visit…turns out she knows one of them from several years back." Riful answered.
"I must say though, her nickname for him does fit." Mist commented. "Perhaps we should buy him some white Rabbit ears…"
"Please don't call me that!" Bell shouted, getting their attention. "And please don't do that."
"What? You have always been called that by the Zeus Familia, haven't you?" Hilde asked, having finished her shift at beating Loki.
'Zeus Familia?' the members of the Loki Familia thought, shocked.
"What do you mean with that?" a orange haired elf mage asked.
"It means that Hiide-nee and I were originally both part of the Zeus Familia." Bell answered, managing to dodge a hit by Hilde. "What? If you still use that nickname, I will use my nickname for you." Bell told Hilde.
"Or I could start calling you UB-chan." Hilde smirked.
"UB?" Bell asked.
"Oi, Dogbreath, I think you will agree with me on this nickname." Hilde called out to Bete. "It means Usagi-Baka." She added to Bell.
"That is even worse!" Bell shouted, beginning to run away…and into a wall.
"You are right…it does suit him." Bete said. This made the members of the Loki Familia pause.
"Bete actually agreed with a female?" Lefiya said in shock. "And she isn't even from our Familia…"
"Is Hell going to freeze over next?" Tinoa asked.
"Eh? He did?" Aiz asked. "I didn't notice."
'Is she an Airhead?' the Valkyries asked themselves.
When voicing that question, the answer was "A natural one."
Later that evening
"You know, I never thought I'd see the day that the Thor and Loki Familia's acting like this side by side…" Welf said.
"What do you mean with that?" Lili asked.
"It is hard to admit, but strength wise, both of our Familias are pretty much the same. The only real reason why our Familia is considered the strongest is because we have the resources to fund deep expeditions." Fynn said. "And since both of our Gods are siblings…let's just say that the sibling rivalry extends to the Familia as well.
"But if both familia's are the same strength, why then does the Loki Familia have more resources?" Lili asked.
"Because of their complete lack of being able to hold back." Loki said. "Almost half of the budget from the entire Thor Familia goes to repairs done to other Familias' properties or collateral damage." Loki sighed. "Especially the Valkyrie party. They alone cause 75% of said issues."
"…I don't know whether to feel awed or scared at this point." Yamato said. "I have heard of them in passing, but there are hardly any rumors about them.
"Well, one of the reasons why they haven't been ousted from the Thor Familia is because of their fighting prowess." Loki said. "The seven of them each are 1st rate adventurers. And as for the rumors…they somehow manage to find the sourse fo the rumors and beat the shit out of him/her."
"Is there anyone in your Familia who could match them one on one?" Lili asked.
"Well, before her rank-up, Aiz was evenly matched with Brynhildr-chan, you know, the one with a cleavage large enough to hide that white haired leader of yours in." Loki said.
"At least I can hide things there, unlike a certain goddess here." Hilde called over.
"WA…" Loki was shocked.
"Well, at least I don't have the biggest ones here…Loli-Big-Boobs has a larger rack than me." Hilde continued.
"One moment…how did you make yours grow that big?" Lefiya asked.
"Uhm…Sig, want to answer that one?" Hilde asked.
"Sure." Loki, Tiona, Yamato and Lili leaned in to listen. "First, we don't rub other peoples chests as that means more growth goes to being a pervert than where it is needed."
Loki felt as though a lightning bolt struck her head.
"Second, we make it a habit of beating up each and every pervert that tries going for us, even if they are gods." Sig continued.
Loki felt another lightning bolt strike her. Somewhere else, Hermes sneezed, making him trip and fall into a pile of garbage.
"Thirdly, we regularly drink milk and eat lots of meat." Sig finished.
This proved too much for Loki who was a vegan…she ran out crying something about 'mean women making things impossible for her'.
"Oh, she forgot to add this. We do not do diets." Hilde called over.
"Ah…so that is why I am not growing…" Tiona muttered.
"I wouldn't know. I heard that Amazons, once reaching adulthood, are unable to grow physically in most areas." Mist said.
"From whom did you hear that?" Tiona demanded, covering her breasts in fear.
"One of the Amazons in the Ishta Familia." The answer came almost immediately from Hilde. "But don't worry, being flat like you makes it easier to dodge attacks as you are a smaller target…"
Timeskip
"So…let me get this straight…" Thor said, holding onto the bridge of his nose. "The reason the Hestia Familia new house has suffered extensive damage is due to a member of the Loki Familia?"
"That is right. We were complimenting her, and she suddenly started rampaging. The only reason the building hasn't been destroyed completely is because the Valkyries and I stepped in to stop her." Hilde said…with a grin.
"For some reason I feel like you are enjoying yourself." Thor said.
"Well, I did manage to spend time with an old friend of mine and I got to make Loki's life miserable at the same time. Why wouldn't I be enjoying myself?" Hilde countered.
"About that…the Loki Familia has sent us letters of thanks and complaints, 90% of them addressed to you, concerning the state their god, my sibling, is in." Now it was Thor's turn to grin mischievously. "I hope you are ready to sit behind a desk for a day, because you are going to have to read them all."
For a moment Hilde just stood there, looking stunned.
Then…
Outside the room
"OH FUCK ME…" the shout made it through the closed doors with volume to spare, while the other members the Thor Familia grinned or smirked, some in triumph, others in mirth, but in general all for witnessing the Leader of the Vakyrie party having a bad day.
A/N: If you think I should make this into a series, please let me know via review or PM (If you ant to do so anomalously)