AN: This is the result of caffeine-containing chocolate, pent-up energy, and WAY too much free time on the computer. ENJOY!!!

Alice: Edward? You're not busy, are you?

Edward: Well, I was adding all 1002 FanFics that I am fond of to my favorites list, but other than that, no.

Alice: FanFic? What's that?

Edward: Le gasp! You don't know?! Well, let me explain it to you! FanFiction is this awesome, vamptastic place where fans of books, movies, and other stuff can write their crazy ideas down about their favorite books, moves, and other stuff. This is, in fact, a FanFic titled -

Alice: OK, OK. Sheesh - sorry I asked. Any way, I thought you might want to know that Bella just got in a car accident and will die in exactly…*looks at watch*…five minutes unless you man up and turn her into one of us.

Edward: Oh no! Not Bella! I've got to go save - wait. You don't think I'm manly?

Alice: Well…you do have a tendency to wear some too-bright pink shirts, especially the patterned ones…

Edward: But…you were the one who picked those out! You told me that pink used to be strictly a guy color - that it showed courage!

Alice: Yeah, sorry - Emmett prompted me to do it. He also dared me to…wash your clothes in heavily scented flower and vanilla soap.

Edward: I wondered why that purple unihorn was attracted to me…

Alice: Unihorn?

Edward: Well, DUH! If vampires and werewolves exist, why can't unihorns?

Alice: They're called unicorns, Edward.

Edward: But that makes no sense! They have one horn, not one corn! I wouldn't want someone to think that I had an ear of corn growing out of my forehead if I were a unihorn.

Alice: Oh, brother.

Edward: You rang?

Alice: Shut it, will you? And if you don't go save Bella in the next minute and thirty-eight seconds, she really will die and I'll lose another friend thanks to you!

Edward: Would you lay up on the guilt-trip for once! I didn't mean to hurt her! My self control wasn't as good back then in the thirties! Plus, she loved to shop almost as much as you do, and I don't think I could stand two Alices around here - one little pixie is bad enough!

Alice: EDWARD! THAT WAS ONLY TEN YEARS AGO!

Edward: So?! Years tend to run together when you're over a century old.

Alice: Yeah, well, don't expect to live much longer when I'm through with you.

Edward: No! You wouldn't!

Alice: Oh yes I would!

Edward: Not the…not the Extreme Makeover Edition: Alice Cullen Style! I was scarred for eternity the first time! It's always the innocent that are messed up first!

Alice: That's just the way the world works. You have to suck it up and move on.

Edward: Suck it up?! Ha, ha!

Alice: Grr…don't push me. I really don't want to do this…OK, maybe I do, but don't make me anyway!

Edward: (nervously) Oh, look at the time! Got to run if you wanna keep Bella! Toodles! *runs to nearest exit*

Alice: Bring me back a mocha shake on your way home, will you?

Edward: But you can't eat chocolate!

Alice: If Emmett can, so can I, thank you very much! Now shoo before I sic my dog, Vampy, on you!

Edward: Why do you call him Vampy?

Alice: Cause I bit him three days ago, and he is now a newborn vampire/animal crossbreed with three-inch-long teeth!

Edward: OK…now I've really got to run!!!

Meanwhile…

Bella: Where the *** are you, Edward Cullen?! Get your butt over here ASAP! I NEED HELP - NOW!!!

Edward: There's no need to fear, Awesome Ed is here!

Bella: Well hurry up, Mr. I Think I'm Such a *** Hot-Shot!

Edward: Well, what language for such a young -

Bella: NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edward: Sorry! *frees Bella from burning car* There you go!

Bella: Well?

Edward: Well, what?

Bella: I'm dying, you idiot! Bite me already!

Edward: Well, you certainly have enough energy to cuss out your gorgeous loving boyfriend, but since you insist… *bites Bella* See ya in three days!

Bella: AH!!!!!!! BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH - AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT BURNS!

Edward: (muttering) No, really? I thought it would feel wonderful!

Bella: HEY! I MAY BE IN EXTREME PAIN, BUT I'M NOT DEAF!

Edward: You might as well be! You NEVER listen to what I have to say, and you never have! I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall! Oh, wait - brick walls don't need to be saved all the time!

Bella: THIS IS NOT TIME TO HAVE A COUPLES' FIGHT! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I'M GOING THROUGH THE MOST PAINFUL EXPERIENCE SINCE CHILDBIRTH???

Edward: Well, I wouldn't know, actually, since I am a guy and would prefer not to go through a male pregnancy -

Bella: Take me now!

Three days later…

Bella: I'm alive! I. AM. ALIVE!!!

Edward: Yeah, I think everybody knows that by now, not to mention the fact that you're also LOUD!

Bella: *smacks him on the shoulder*

Edward: OW! Not fair - you know you're stronger than me right now!

Bella: Well, at least I can handle my own fights without needing an over-protective, smothering boyfriend.

Edward: I am going to ignore that and say, 'Yup! Now you don't need saving!'

Bella: Excuse me?! I am NOT a damsel in distress! I am a strong, independent woman, and you are a sexist pig!

Edward: Note to self…don't compliment newborn feminists.

Bella: Hey! I heard that with my SUPER-BELLA HEARING!

Edward: I am a vampire and have super hearing too, Bella. No need to shout!

Bella: Downer.

Edward: I am NOT a downer.

Bella: You're right - sorry. I take that back. You're a FUN-SUCKER!!!

Edward: Nuh-uh! I'm a blood-sucker, and I'm beginning to regret not sucking yours!

Bella: Le gasp! I thought you loved me, Edward! We…we had so much! *tears begin welling in her eyes*

Edward: No, Bella, please don't cry - I'm sorry…hold on a minute. You're a vampire. Vampires can't cry!

Bella: That's what you think. Anything is possible…if you just BELIEVE!

Edward: That's what I know, love. *smirks crookedly* Just admit it, Bella - you're not perfect. Everybody makes mistakes, and everybody has those days - even vampires.

Bella: Quoting Hannah Montana songs will get you nowhere. We both know how this is going to end, Edward. It is now inevitable.

Edward: *begins backing away in horror* No…you wouldn't dare! You love me too much! You do love me…right?

Bella: Of course I do, honey! I am showing love by doing this - it's called tough love! Like it?

Edward: No…

Bella: Well, tough!

Edward: Aren't you a pessimistic little vampire!

Bella: Yup! Jasper is beginning to rub off on me and, unfortunately for you, so is Alice.

Edward: NO!

Bella: *grins evilly, new vampy-teeth gleaming* Yes! Time to watch Hannah Montana: The Movie in high-definition…six times in a row!

Edward: But…that movie isn't even out yet!

Bella: I have my - wait. How did you know that?

Edward: Um…I heard it in, er, a little girl's mind!

Bella: Sure, sure. As I was saying, I have my ways.

Edward: 'Sure, sure'? That mutt always says that - it's like his catch phrase! Crap, and I thought it was bad enough to have Underdog! Now we get to have Wolf Boy, too. You've been seeing him, haven't you?!

Bella: Uh…no?

Edward: Ah-HA! I knew it! This is all just a plan to get revenge on me from leaving you in New Moon, isn't it?

Bella: What in the world is 'New Moon'?

Edward: Um…nothing.

Bella: OK…? But no, it isn't. I just happened to pick up a few habits from him. It's your fault that I was around him so much, anyway!

Edward: What else did you pick up? Oh, let me think - cliff diving, for one!

Bella: Again, your fault! At least I didn't purposefully try to commit suicide!

Edward: How the heck can you not purposefully commit suicide?!

Bella: Well, according to Alice's oh-so-helpful visions, it's possible if you're me.

Edward: Touch.

Bella: It's touche, Edward.

Edward: No, it's Touch - a new series that copies *cough* Stephenie Meyer's WONDERFUL IDEA!

Stephenie Meyer: I'm still not finishing Midnight Sun, Edward!

Edward: Dang it!

Stephenie Meyer: Don't be such a drama queen.

Edward: I'm being a drama queen?! OK, so first Bella gets four whole books written about her, I get a few stinking chapters that are full of 'grammatical errors', and you refuse to write anything else about us at all because Bella is 'no longer relatable because she's no longer human'?! What is that supposed to make you - a peace activist?!

Stephenie Meyer: Actually, that would make me the writer.

Razzledazzle96: But…this is MY script!

Stephenie Meyer: May be, but I do own these characters.

Razzledazzle96: You don't own me, though! Ha!

Stephenie Meyer: I could if I wanted to!

Razzledazzle96: OK, that sounded really wrong…Plus, if I make up a new character, you don't own them! Speaking of which, here they are right now! Introducing…KELLI and KEITH!

Kelli: Hi.

Keith: Whazzup?

Kelli: The ceiling!

Keith: Ooh, good one!

Kelli: And the sky, and the trees, and the birds, and the…

Stephenie Meyer: They're the best you could come up with?

Razzledazzle96: It was short notice…Any way, everyone loves randomness which is, in fact, a real word! Who would have thunk it? Plus, they're twins - double the trouble!

Stephenie Meyer: You are so lame.

Razzledazzle96: Am not!

Stephenie Meyer: Yes, you are.

Razzledazle96: (to Keith) Got any sixes?

Keith: Nope, sorry. Go fish!

Stephenie Meyer: *clears throat* Ah-hem!

Razzledazzle96: Oh sorry, what did you say?

Stephenie Meyer: Point taken.

AN: I hope this is worth reading! Enjoy…my own parody-version of Breaking Dawn!