The Beginning in the End

The day had begun like any other, the gentle spring time sun filtered in through shuttered curtains. Work began, long and dreary, but always hopeful. No one guessed it would end in such tragedy, no one could have known. King Uther's most loyal friend, the beloved court physician, arguably the most intelligent man in Camelot, and guardian of the greatest secret in the kingdom, was dead.

Merlin stared down at the cot where the man who was almost his father used to sleep. It was empty now, and it always would be. It was as empty as Merlin felt. The young warlock, stared blankly into the space, and felt that terrible nothingness over take him, eat him alive from the inside out. Gaius was gone and all the magic in the kingdom would never change that. The emptiness filled suddenly with a burning anger, anger at life and destiny and fate, at being the most powerful wizard in the history of the world and not being able to save one man. Then the anger trickled away as quickly as it had come and in its place he felt a gnawing guilt… and an overwhelming sorrow.

Gaius was out delivering medicine to people in town, a job that was usually Merlin's, but the boy had been busy doing his chores for Arthur and the old man had taken pity on him. He had been alone in a crowd, out doing good and helping people, when he just fell down. Dead. No one could explain it. Merlin had abandoned everything and raced to their quarters when he heard. He had torn through every book Gaius owned, sought answers from every place possible; magical or not, something had to be able to bring him back. Healthy people didn't just die for no reason!

But they did, as the young warlock soon found out. And there was nothing anyone could do about it. There was no way to prevent it, Death just came when It pleased, It didn't need a reason. Young or old, good or bad didn't matter, Fate decided how you lived and Fate decided how you died. Merlin couldn't get his head around it. He tried to think of something he could have done, some way he could have prevented it. The worst part of all was that there truly wasn't anything. All the power in the world and nothing could have saved the person Merlin loved most.

The dark-haired boy fell to his knees and laid his head upon the cot. For the first time all day the tears began to fall. And it was as if something had been released in him and soon he was weeping, sobbing into the rough cloth of Gaius' blanket. He'd never felt so hollow, so alone. For the first time since leaving home, he realized how young he was; he realized that he couldn't make it on his own. Where would he go now? What would he do? Gaius had given him a home and fed the boy meals from his own pocket. The elder man had never asked for anything really, only that Merlin be his best, only that Merlin learn as much as he could so he was ready when his destiny finally came, only that he kept the secret. The secret they had shared. And now Gaius was gone.

As Merlin wept into the bed, he knew for the first time that he was completely alone. Alone in everything. His magic had never been more of a burden than at that moment. His destiny was never a heavier weight. He hadn't realized how much of the worry and trouble Gaius had shouldered for him, how much comfort the old man had given. Merlin wondered if he had ever really expressed his thanks for everything.

He laid there, alone on the cold, unforgiving stone, for quite some time, allowing the sorrow to slowly consume him, until he had no more tears to weep and dry sobs were all that came out. He continued to kneel there long after that, as the sadness grew and the pain in his heart became more pronounced. There was no one left to comfort him. No one left who cared.

He never heard the knock or the door opening. He didn't realize anyone was in the room until the large hand was suddenly upon his slim shoulder. Merlin practically jumped out of his skin and the hand recoiled, until the boy on the floor managed to clear his water-encrusted eyes enough to recognize the golden-haired man standing next to him. He began to mutter apologies and wipe at his eyes and face, knowing that he probably looked twice as bad as he felt. He tried to stand up, to show the very small modicum of respect he usually gave the prince, but he was gently pushed back down until he was all the way on the floor, back resting against the frame of Gaius' cot and Arthur sat down beside him, sitting close without actually touching the mourning servant.

Merlin didn't look at the prince as he tried to compose himself, "I'm sorry, your highness," he began, voice sore from the abuse it had been through in the past few hours, "I don't think I'll be able to go to work t-tomorrow. I'll try to be back the next day but-"

He was cut off by a light cuff around the ears and looked incredulously at his "employer", who glared small daggers at him and said forcefully, "Don't be an idiot Merlin, you won't be coming to work tomorrow or the day after that or the day after that. You won't be coming to work until you're good and ready!" Merlin was shocked by the fierceness of the words, and the underlying hurt there. Arthur continued on, softer, "Did you really think I would make you work after… this."

Merlin shook his head slowly. "No," he whispered, "I just… I don't know…"

The tears began to form once again in his eyes, but he struggled to hold them back. Arthur already thought he was weak. No need to reinforce that. Merlin tried to hide his face, and then realized it was pointless. Arthur probably couldn't see him anyway; it had grown so dark in the time the boy had been kneeling on the floor. Shadows covered everything and the last rays of the sun were just barely hanging in the sky.

Arthur put one, awkward arm around his thin shoulders, trying to give the younger man some kind comfort. It was rather ineffective after everything that he had gone through, but Merlin appreciated the gesture. "I wish I knew what to say right now." Arthur said, his voice thick and clearly uncomfortable with the extremely un-manly display, but he continued on, for better or worse, "But I guess I didn't really think that far ahead, when I decided to head over."

Merlin nodded his understanding, "Thanks for trying."

Arthur continued on, unsure what to do without Merlin's usual chatter to back him up. He hated seeing his… well, whatever Merlin was to him, like this. "My father is going out of his mind right now. He's convinced himself that it must be magic, despite what you told him about past cases like this. The whole city is in mourning. I don't know if there's anyone he didn't help at some point. They're trying to make burial arrangements, but I said that you might want to have something to do with it and to wait-"

"You didn't have to," Merlin interrupted; voice dead, "I don't really want to do it."

Arthur looked at his servant, surprise and worry etched on his face, "Alright, I guess, if you really don't want to… You'll be able to stay here; I'll make sure of that. Besides, you'll need to show around whoever the next court physician is. You know Gaius' work better than anyone so-"

"What!" Merlin cried, shoving Arthur's arm off him and swinging around to face his lord, abject horror flashing across his face. "You're replacing Gaius!"

"No, of course not!" Arthur hurried on, trying to figure out what had set the boy off. "We could never replace him, but we do need a physician around-"

"You are." Merlin accused, rising to his feet and beginning to pace around the room, "You're going to replace him. He's gone and you're not even going to wait a day to start finding someone else. How could you? After everything Gaius did for you and your family! How could you just throw him aside like that!"

Now Arthur rose to his feet as well, trying to control the anger building inside him, trying to remember that Merlin was in mourning. "I'm not replacing him! How dare you accuse me of that? Gaius was my friend too, you know, I understand what you're going through-"

"No, you really don't." Merlin insisted, the anger had returned, filling every fiber in his body. His magic pushed at its limits, trying to help him even when he didn't want it to. What good did magic ever do him? It was just another burden he had to carry.

"Of course I do, you oaf. I miss him just as much as you do." Arthur insisted, trying to resist the urge to really hit his servant. "You have no idea what he did for me, how much he watched out for me. When everything overwhelmed me, when I was most unsure of my so-called destiny, when I didn't think I could handle everyone's expectations, Gaius was there for me! Don't you dare try to tell me I don't care. You can't possibly imagine what his loss means to me!" Arthur was yelling now, control gone, the boys stood toe-to-toe with one another, anger consuming them both. Anything was better than the emptiness.

"What do you think of me!" Merlin cried out in frustration, "You think my life is so easy, that I don't have any problems. That's it, right? Well, you're wrong. You think you're the only person with a destiny too big to handle? You're wrong. Gaius was the closest thing to a father I've ever had and you think you know how I feel! Don't you dare try to tell me you understand, you obnoxious, self-centered PRAT!"

For once it was Merlin who threw the first punch. It was so unexpected, so unusual, that it actually landed right on Arthur's royal face. And it began. This was no trained combat, no official challenge; it was two very angry boys taking everything out on their best friend. And it was a fierce contest, neither willing to admit he was wrong or forgive the other. Mostly because there was nothing to forgive. They weren't angry with each other, but with fate and life, and there was no getting around that, there was nothing else tangible for them to defend against. Together they raised hell in the small space, smashing glass and sending papers flying. Punches hit with enough force to break skin and create multi-colored bruising.

They continued for close to an hour, neither letting up, neither letting go, until finally there was no more anger, just the sadness, and they both collapsed to the floor. Merlin leaned against the wall, exhausted and sore, regretting the decision to start a fight with the strongest knight in the kingdom. Unbeknownst to Merlin, Arthur was having similar feelings on his side of the room, as well as surprise in the strength of his spindly servant's arm. The prince heard a small, unusual sound from across the room and couldn't figure out what it was until the volume gradually began to grow. The soft sobs became louder and the golden haired king-to-be stood up slowly and moved across the floor, grabbing a chair from the now-cleared table and sat down in front of the weeping servant. Merlin just hid his head in his hands and cried freely. He didn't even care anymore.

Something wet fell on Arthur's folded hands and he was startled, trying to figure out where the water came from. Imagine his surprise when he realized his whole face was wet, tears silently running down his cheeks, leaving wet tracks in their wake. He considered wiping it all off, and then abandoned the idea as his vision began to blur. Did it really matter anymore?

"I can't do this alone." Merlin whispered, so quiet Arthur wasn't sure if he was intended to hear or not. "I just can't."

Arthur swallowed his own tears and said, "Can't do what?"

"All of it." He sounded so broken, so lifeless, that for the first time Arthur wondered just what sort of pressure Merlin was under.

"You're not alone." The voice came of its own accord and although Arthur could not have explained why he said it, he instinctively knew it was true. Merlin just shook his head.

"You don't understand. You can't." Fresh tears came and Merlin snuffled, wiping at his eyes, trying to regain his composure before he did something he regretted. "I can't tell you."

"Merlin, what are you talking about?" Arthur insisted, coming to his own wits as he tried to figure out what the hell his servant was getting at.

"Gaius told me not to tell you." Merlin said, "Gaius shared my secret and now he's gone and I am completely alone."

Arthur couldn't bring himself to be annoyed at his normally bumbling servant's cryptic words, not when he was so dejected and so obviously frightened. "Merlin, I know I'm the prince and that it seems hard to talk to me. But you can tell me anything." He prodded, "I won't turn you away. Not ever."

Merlin looked up at him and the intensity of his brilliant blue eyes startled the prince, who recoiled instinctively. "You can't promise me that."

"I'm the prince, Merlin. I can promise anything I want and I always keep my promises." Arthur insisted.

"No, Arthur you really can't. You don't know what you're saying!" Merlin's eyes were fierce again, but not with the anger of before, but with an urgency that actually frightened Arthur, but the prince was never one to let up.

"Knock it off, you idiot!" Arthur cried, "Stop with the cryptic words and the lying and the hiding! Just tell me the truth!"

Something inside Merlin snapped at that moment. He was tired, tired of running, of hiding who he was from his best friend, of playing the idiot and not getting credit. Before, at least there was someone who knew, someone who appreciated all he did. Now that person was gone and it was just too much to try and continue on alone. Instantly he shouted back, too tired and relieved to fear the results of the truth. "I have magic, Arthur!"

The prince just stared at him, too shocked to react, but now the truth was out and Merlin couldn't help himself. "I was born with magic and I will die with magic. My mother sent me here because I was too exposed in Ealdor, she wanted Gaius to teach me to control it and he did. And I found out that I have some huge destiny that I have no control over and that I have to protect you to make sure that you become king one day so you can bring peace to Albion and stand up for the people and be brave and good and just and all this other stuff that everybody keeps telling me about! Only, nobody ever asked my opinion about it! I have to hide who and what I am, I have to lie to my friends, I have to live in fear every moment of every day because at any second I could be discovered and your father would have me burned at the stake and there's nothing I can do about it, even though I'm the most powerful warlock ever born. But what good does that do me because I can't even save my father!"

Here he broke off into sobs, the passion that had filled his speech finally consumed him and he was too exhausted to continue on, much less worry about what consequences the truth might hold for him.

Arthur, for his part, just stood there, too stunned for words as he tried to absorb all of this information. Slowly, the pieces began to fall into place. Objects that seemed to move of their own accord into his path, rooms that were to be cleaned put in place faster than one man could possibly do on his own, bathes that were too cold suddenly boiling. And then the big things fell in as well, with a nearly tangible "thud". How many times had Merlin showed up just in time to warn everyone of some great danger, how often the boy followed him into great peril with seemingly no defense, even when there should have been no chance of survival? The evidence that suddenly appeared just before the murder of innocent men and women. The fearsome creatures that could only be killed by magic suddenly found dead with no apparent cause.

"Dear God," Arthur whispered finally, "I don't believe it."

Merlin shifted before him and in the now dark room, Arthur tried to figure out what the boy was doing to no avail. The prince heard the rustle of cloth followed by apparently nonsense words that made him shiver with their very power. Suddenly, every candle in the room was lit and a fire crackled in the hearth, Merlin was revealed before him, one hand out stretched and staring intently into the distance. At Arthur's sharp intake of breath, Merlin looked up, his eyes still unnaturally dead. "Do you believe it now?"

Arthur tried to shake himself from the stupor, "Yes, yes of course. I mean, it all makes sense now… I just, I don't know… Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

Merlin just shook his head. "You really don't get it, do you? You're the son of the one man more dangerous to magical beings than anyone else in the entire world. You're the Crown Prince of Camelot. I've just put you in the position to either kill me or become a traitor to your own country, your own father! What was I supposed to do?"

"What made you change your mind, then?" Arthur asked, as the realization of the position in which Merlin now placed them both began to dawn on him.

"Even when I wanted to tell you," Merlin began, "when it was most difficult to keep my secret, Gaius always stopped me. Now Gaius is gone and I've got nothing left. I can't return to Ealdor, not after everything. I don't know where to go from here. Without him, things just don't make sense. I've got nothing to lose at this point."

The apple that was lobbed at his dark head was unexpected and nearly hit him, he moved at the last moment and it "thunked" against the wall with an unnatural volume in the too-quiet room. "What the hell was that for?"

"For being even more of an idiot than usual." Arthur replied. "'Nothing to lose'? What kind of idiocy is that? You've got friends here, people who care about you. What? You think that your death would make Gaius' easier to bear for the rest of us? You selfish idiot!" This time, it was a piece of bread which did hit its intended target.

The course, home-made bread landed softly in Merlin's lap and the boy picked it up gently, contemplating the food. Suddenly, he burst out laughing; a hysterical, manic kind of laughter that made no sense to anyone but himself. Arthur just stared at him, utterly confounded. "What's so funny?"

"I don't know!"

Arthur resisted the urge to kick him and instead sighed, holding his head in his hands. Anything was better than the silence, he supposed. Slowly, the insane laughter died down and a more serious face fell over Merlin. "What do we do now?"

"What do you mean?" Arthur asked honestly, "We continue on. We remember Gaius and the lessons he taught us and continue to live. What choice do we have? We'll have to be extra careful, though, my father has tripled the reward for anyone who finds a sorcerer, if someone were to discover your identity, there's a good chance I won't be able to protect you."

A bell sounded in the distance, not the usual warning bell, but another sound. One that called the whole city of Camelot to the castle. So, they were officially announcing Gaius' death. Arthur looked through the window at the fading light, eyes intense and focused. "Well, come on then, my father will be expecting me by his side."

"So, you're not going to tell him then?" Merlin asked, looking up at his friend from his place on the floor.

Arthur looked down at him in true disdain, "Of course not, you idiot." Then, calmer, "You're a terrible servant, but you're loyal and after all this I'd hate to have you on my bad side."

For the first time since Arthur entered the room he saw a hint of the life, of the fire that was always present in Merlin's eyes as the younger man smiled up at him. A small, grudging smile wormed its way onto the prince's face in response.

"Well, are we going then?" he asked and held out his hand to the other. Merlin

accepted it gratefully and rose to his feet. They stood facing each other silently for a moment and then Merlin spoke, some of the old life back in his voice.

"Sometimes, I wonder how you could ever manage to be the great Once and Future King I'm always hearing about," Merlin said, "And then you go and do something like this and I believe all the prophecies I've been told. You won't just be king. You'll be the greatest king that ever lived."

Arthur looked away from Merlin's intense stare, embarrassed and said, "Well, are we going now or what?"

Merlin smiled -a real, dopey, Merlin-smile- and together, they headed towards the castle courtyard. As they left Arthur asked, his voice back to its normal, vaguely arrogant tone: "So, what exactly do these prophecies say about me?"

By the time they arrived at the courtyard a large crowd was already gathered. Arthur gave his friend a meant-to-be-comforting-that-actually-kind-of-hurt squeeze on the shoulder and left to stand by his father. Merlin took his usual place behind the royals. From here he could see the near manic look in Uther's eyes and the tears that streamed silently down Morgana's face normally perfect face. In the crowd he saw Gwen standing near the front, her bloodshot eyes met with Arthur's and sought some comfort there, Lancelot stood near her, head bowed lips moving in a quiet prayer. The whole crowd was hushed, a thousand souls weeping for one man.

For the first time since he had dropped the bucket of dirty water in Arthur's bedroom early that morning, Merlin felt hope. He was not alone. He had family and friends who would stand by him, who would help him get through this mess just as they always had until they finally got through to better days once more. He had hope that one day, with their help, he would be able to think of Gaius and it would not hurt, he would think of the good times and smile instead of regret what they might have still done. For the first time since that horrible moment when he, himself, as the physician's apprentice, announced Gaius' tragic and sudden death to the king and his noblemen, he felt some semblance of peace come over him. Slowly, the emptiness that had hollowed him out began to fill. He was a wizard in a time of persecution. He was a serf among lords and ladies. He had a single, great destiny in a time of terror and confusion. But he was not alone. And as he looked down at his friends and family and the prince he was bound to serve by Fate and by choice, he knew he would never be alone.

Before the flames begin, know this: I did not choose to write thise story. I took a two hour nap one Sunday afternoon and woke up with one, horrifying thought; Gaius had to die. Gaius is the reason Merlin keeps all his secrets, without Gaius there would be no reason too, in fact it wouldn't make sense for him to keep it a secret anymore. Without Gaius, he has no one to learn from, no one to gather all the information for him (sort of like Giles, in BTVS) without him, there is no balancing factor of that one person who knows everything and keeps all the secrets in check. Everything would come clean, if not because of that than simply because the guilt would be too much to bear, for any of the characters, it's always easiest to keep a secret when yous share it with someone, because then it belongs to both of you, you can't make the decision to keep or release it on your own, because it belongs to the other person as well. I hope this all makes some sort of sense to you, the reader, because it does to me. Any way, in order for everything to start -for Merlin and Arthur to come into their destinies, ect- the way they did things before would have to end for the way they will do things in the future, and that can't happen if they still have all these secrets bottled up inside. Obviously Merlin's magic is only the first of these secrets (and, frankly, in my opinion, its one of the least life-changing) but it is the jumping-off-point for EVERYTHING else.

Those are my musings. For everything to begin, Gaius must end. Sorry, that's the way it had to be. This was one of those that wrote itself in the space of, like three hours that felt like fifteen minutes because I just didn't stop. I hope you enjoyed it and will tell me if I missed any grammatical errors or ooc (although, keep in mind that grief can really mess with a person's psyche), please please please tell me, so I can fix them.

Much love,

BBear