(Kennyon walks onto the stage of the newly remodeled set of her hit TV show. She glances at the newer, comfortable stadium seating and the newly painted stage. She looked at the set that had been set up at that day and at the sound booth built in the back of the building. The destruction of her set at the end of the last season had been a blessing in disguise. Now she was ready to start her season with a bang, literally. She fired a pistol and her cast came running out)
Kennyon: Alright you ruffians, we have a season to begin. (Cracks a whip she pulled from her pocket) I want this to be a history making season. You will all be performing your best. To begin the season we have to introduce our main characters. You've all practiced this hard…so let's get down to it.
(The cast nods and gets into costume before lining up and preparing for the big number. Spaz, however, is whispering something to Kennyon)
Spaz: How are we supposed to know our cues?
Kennyon: Because you practiced.
Spaz: Then how are we supposed to know when it's our turn?
Kennyon: Because you practiced.
Spaz: What are we doing again?
Kennyon: SPAZ! Are you even paying attention? Are you coming down with ADD?
Spaz: Oh its not attention deficit disorder. I'm just not listening to you.
(Kennyon slaps her forehead and puts Spaz in the line)
Kennyon: Spaz, you're hilarious. But our audience is growing impatient, and they want to see you Spazzercise later.
Specs: (gulps) Spazzercise?
Dutchy: I don't want to Spazzercise.
Bumlets: You can't force us!
(The newsies scatter abroad screaming as Spaz starts dancing in place)
Spaz: (sings) Oh…my newsie has a first name its D-u-t-c-h-y. My newsie has a second name its. Er. Um. (Stops to think) Oh my newsie has a first name its D-u-t-c-h-y. My newsie still has a first name its D-u-t-c-h-y. Oh I like to hug him every day and if you ask me why I'll say…that Dutchy has a way of being a N-e-w-s-i-e.
(Kennyon runs around in a circle trying to round up the newsies as Pyro joins Spaz in her harmonious singing)
Pyro and Spaz: Oh I wish I were a turn-o-the-century newsie, cause that's what I'd really like to be. Cause if I were a turn-o-the-century newsie, everyone would be in love with me.
(Kennyon jumps and tackles Pie Eater who falls into Itey who falls into Snitch who falls into Jack…. and so on and so forth till all the newsies are on the ground groaning)
Pyro and Spaz: (triumphantly) Cause if I were a turn-o-the-century newsie, EVERYONE WOULD BE IN LOVE WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
(Kennyon sits up rubbing her head)
Kennyon: Thanks for all your help guys.
Spaz: Of course Kennyon.
Pyro: Helping you out is our job.
Kennyon: Can we just do the introduction?
Spaz: Of course silly. Right after pie.
(Pie Eater jumps up)
Pie Eater: PIE! Sweet! I'll make it…then I'll eat it…. then I'll make more and eat more and make more and eat more and make more…
(Pie Eater skips around the set talking about making and eating pie as Pyro brings out a large apple pie and Bumlets carries a big tub of vanilla ice cream)
Bumlets: Pie…pie…. pie…. me love pie!
Kennyon: (crossing arms) Don't you mean, I love pie?
Pyro: Kennyon loves pie! We must feed her!
(All the newsies bring slices of various kinds of pies to Kennyon)
Kennyon: No…that's not what I….
(Specs stuffs a slice of pie into Kennyon's mouth)
Specs: Kennyon eat pie now. And we'll be right back after this message from our new sponsor… "Milton Bradley…producing useless games since the real newsies roamed the streets of New York. "
(Black out in the studio as Kennyon is fed slice after slice of pie and the commercial comes on the screen)
Boots: Is this you?
(Screen flashes to a group of newsies sitting in front of a television screen watching some stupid infomercials)
Boots: Is this how you spend a night with your friends?
(One of the newsies yawns)
Boots: Well then have we got the game for you!
Tumbler: Game?
Snipeshooter: What kind of game?
Boots: A trivia game! (Pulls out a box decorated in bright colors)
Tumbler: Wow!
Snipeshooter: What is it?
Boots: This is…
(A drum roll is heard)
Boots: Unanswered Trivial Pursuit!
Snipeshooter: Neato! (Takes box and sits down)
Boots: In Unanswered Trivial Pursuit you'll come up against questions like
Do stuttering people stutter when they think to themselves?
Do fish sleep?
Can a hearse driver drive a corpse in the carpool lane?
And
How did Kennyon pay for her new set?
Snipeshooter: (deep in thought) Hmm…I wonder.
Boots: If you are baffled by these questions, then you'll love our game.
Tumbler: What is a male ladybug called?
Boots: Just $19. 95 at any store that sales crap…er I mean games.
(The commercial ends with another view of the box. The screen turns blank and goes back to the show where Kennyon sits with her face covered in pie)
Kennyon: GUYS! Stop! You promised you'd sing that song for me.
(Kennyon stands up and dusts off the pie crumbs before walking towards the bathroom)
Pyro: Gadzooks Newsies! We've been selfish.
Spaz: Golly Gee Pyro you're right! We should sing the song for Kennyon.
(Spaz pushes Dutchy down and stands on his shoulders)
Spaz: (shouting) Alright Newsies, listen up. Kennyon wants us to sing the song so we will. So line up!
(The newsies all scramble into a line and prepare for their new opening number)
Spaz: Heigh ho!
Do you know,
The names of the US cutsies
Who then became the stars of newsies
And got a view from the Studio loo
Of Kennyon's Comedy Hour-oooo
Pyro: Jack Kelly was the first, you see
He once lied about his name to you and me
Spaz: Newsie number two would be
David Jacobs and then Number three
(The newsies step foreward in turn as their names are said by Spaz and Pyro)
Pyro: Les Jacobs stayed up to seeMedda Larkson wear a skirt above the knee
Newsies: OH!
So he and his mom had a great big fightAnd she made him sleep on the floor all night
Spaz: Racketrack always stole his cigar
And yet it was stolen every mornin' from his jar
Pyro: Crutchy's broken shin and toes
kept a crutch made of Pinocchio's
Spaz: Little black Boots is number six
And it's Mush's mushy butt he kicked
Pyro: So Mushy learns to play politics
And next in line he's the one we picked
Spaz: Kid Blink is number eight
Living in a patched up one eyed state
Pyro: Spot Conlon, how do you praise
Became king of Brooklyn in thirty days!
Spaz: Snitch he liked sucking thumbs
Pyro: And after him came Jake the tall one
Spaz: Itey my friend liked them jokes
His puns killed friends whenever he spoke
Pyro: 1899, mighty fine
Snipeshooter's in
Spaz: Kennyon's beau you most know
Is Specs with glasses he must always show
Pyro: Follows next a hotdog wavin'
On a fork Spaz is a Dutchy savin'
Then Brooklyn starts shootin marbles
And we've got a newsie strike!
Pyro and Spaz: A strike!
A strike up north in Manhattan!
Spaz: Up to bat comes old Snoddy boy
There's a guy who's really too old to be a newsie toy
Didn't do much the entire show
I think we only saw him once you know
Pyro: Skittery he is up next
He had some slight defects
Spaz: Glum and dumb
He would become
Pyro: And so as stars we now present
Spaz: Our resident gymnast, Pyro's Bumlets!
Who would dance and flip and twirl and sing
While twirling a wooden cane
Although a bit insane
Cause he'd get splinters in his pants!
Pyro: It's 1877, the number of pies Kennyon would eat
But they're all amazed when our boy Pie Eater
Beats her by just one piece!
Spaz: Last up Swifty child,
His skills at sellin far from mild
Feet in his face it has taught him
Run from foot odor at the smallest whim
Pyro: Now in the studio we shall see.
Spaz: It's Kennyon leading the fearsome three
Pyro: But the two in charge is plain to see
Spaz: Pyro number two after me
Kennyon: (from backstage) HEY YOU GUYS!
Pyro: The next three to lead the way
Well, it just might be yourself one day
Then we'll distort everything you say
Spaz and Pyro: So jump in your plane and fly away
(Spaz and Pyro bow as the song ends and newsies pose as Kennyon runs out from backstage)
Kennyon: What do you mean you two are in charge! Hey tell me now…
(The lights go dim as the screen cuts to commercial)