DISCLAIMER: Characters Lister, Kochanski, Rimmer, Cat, Kryten, and Holly are of the show and books RED DWARF owned by Grant Naylor. All other characters are of my own imagination. Part of the story line is sampled from the Kurt Vonnegut Jr short story "Harrison Bergeron". This is like a tribute fic to RD so many lines are sampled from the series.
Equal
By: LESG
: TRANSMISSION: This is the Jupiter mining ship Red Dwarf. On board is a hard light hologram, Arnold J. Rimmer, an android, Kryten 2X4B 523P, two humans, Dave Lister and Kristine Z. Kochanski, and a two cat humanoids one is, The Cat. And one yet developed who is... Well we know it's not Cat's: END TRANSMISSON:
Chapter 1
"Hol where is he?" Lister looked to the screen on the wall of the mess hall.
Holly appeared, "Still in the pediatric ward Dave."
"Well, call him again. He's going to eat dinner," Rimmer demanded.
"Yeah," Kochanski moaned. "We need help with the fish dinners... for the twelfth night in a row."
"No response," Holly informed after a message was sent.
"He must really feel I dunno... sad?" Lister tried to offer an explanation. "I mean he wouldn't even let Kryte tell him who's the father."
"But does that mean we have to eat his favorite meal every night?" Kochanski pushed away her plate. "It doesn't change, its always fish dinner!"
"Officer Kochanski, to lure Cat to dinner it must be pleasing to him," Kryten explained the technique they were using.
"What about me? My bloody taste buds... they only taste... fish!!!" She cried.
"Get a hold of yourself," Lister took her arms in his hands and lightly shook her.
"Your... not... helping." She notified between each head bob.
"Oh... sorry," Lister stopped and removed his hands from her.
"Let's just see what he's up to," Rimmer arose and led the way to the pediatric ward.
***
"He has it sealed," the hard light hologram felt the closed door.
"What? Holly open the entry to the pediatric ward," Lister requested.
"Can't," Holly responded.
"And why not?" Kochanski questioned.
"Cat said so."
"He must a reason for this," Kryten touched the solid door.
"What's that?" Rimmer put his ear to the door and perceive the sound of out of sync notes on a guitar being plucked. The others did the same.
"Hey, its recordings of me," Lister smiled.
"Oh no wonder he's insane."
"Cat!!" They all began to pound on the door in an effort to get his attention. The music stopped and the door opened to reveal a horrid view of the ward.
"What happened?" Kochanski picked up a piece of scrap metal.
"The question is what did this," Rimmer looked in disgust around the room. "Where's Cat?"
"I think I found him," Lister's voice was heard on the other end of the room. Cat was sitting on the floor still in his black suit. The suit was torn in spots and he shook. "Look like he had a fright."
"What happened to you Mr. Cat?" Kryten questioned.
"Ba- Ba- Baby got..." his voice trailed off as he looked to the ceiling.
"Look out below!!!" A small 'catboy' swung down on a loose cable.
"Agghhh!!" Rimmer fell with the boy on top of him.
"Darn it, didn't make it through the post on your forehead." The boy moved off of Rimmer.
"The post? I think someone has been learning from the Cat," Rimmer looked again at the boy and jumped back.
"I thought he was a baby?" Kochanski gasped.
"Was," Cat stood up and brushed himself off.
"This is one of the strangest phenomenon I have ever seen. He's appears to be six years old," Kryten visually examined the boy.
"What could explain this?" Lister asked as he watched the boy run to another area in the room.
"All answers will be in the lab," Kryten turned and led the way.
"Slow down, you, you ... it," Rimmer ordered as he led the catboy down the corridor to the lab on a 20th century child leash. "Again why do I ahgg..." Rimmer tripped and fell to the ground he was now being pulled across the hard metal floor.
"Woah, did the kid slip into the ships supply of sugar?" Kochanski began to run with Lister, Kryten and Cat to the lab.
Kryten broke down the molecular structure of the cat humanoid DNA; just as he had done before to find the components of disease in Felis. While waiting for the results Cat left to freshen up and Rimmer searched the lab for a sedative.
"Almost done?" Lister questioned Kryten as he worked on a computer counsel.
"I believe so."
Lister looked at the rapid moment of Kryten's fingers and thought of the moment everyone found out the "baby" wasn't Cat's.
"Hey Kryte."
"Yes Mr. Lister," Kryten answered as he continued to work.
"You know who's the..." he glanced back to Rimmer as he struggled with the catboy.
"Yes."
"Think you could tell me?"
"I don't see why not," Kryten shrugged, paused his work and beckoned Lister closer.
"Boom!"
Lister and Kryten turned to see Rimmer knocked out on the floor. The syringe meant for the overactive boy ended up in Rimmer's limb instead. The catboy laughed wildly on the floor next to the limp hologram.
"Rimmmer," Kochanski walked to him, and bent down. "Rimmer you are not sedated. You're a hologram." Rimmer did not move so Kochanski slapped him. This caused the laughter to become wilder from the boy.
"Hey!!" He shot up.
Kochanski scoffed, "You have the bravery of a flightless chicken."
"Hey look who it is," Lister announced Cat's entrance. His aura appeared less vivacious than usual.
"Daddy," the boy ran and gripped himself to Cat's leg. Cat looked down the half dressed creature.
"What have I told you about calling me that," Cat's voice was cold; a cold it had never sounded before. The rest of the persons in the room and looked to each other. Wondering if the Cat they all knew was gone.
Chapter 2
Rimmer looked to the now 10 year old boy, named Talib by Cat, as he sat at the end of the table in the mess hall drawing with Cat by his side. Twenty- nine hours had passed since Kryten had explained the rapid growth in the boy. There was a certain endorphin in the "cat humanoid" that was increased in the early years of life that cause their physical age to change just over the span of many hours. Kryten also calculated the age by noticing a two-year change every day.
"So this is natural?" Rimmer looked to Kryten.
"From all my test this is a normal part of a cat humanoid life."
"I wonder why Cat doesn't remember," Kochanski walked to the condiment aspirator to receive sugar for her tea.
"Wonder why Cat doesn't mention any of his past life?"
Rimmer shrugged.
"Maybe he just doesn't remember," Lister tried to explain.
"Maybe," Kochanski swirled a stirrer in her tea. "I got an idea." They turned to her as her face lit up. "Cat needs a break. Look at him." Cat was now teaching Talib about which fabrics do and don't go together.
"Nah, he looks better," Lister held up his hand.
"But still... remember that planet we saw a while back?"
"Which one ma'am?" Kryten's back up memory began to scan itself.
"The one the nanobots destroyed?" Lister guessed.
"No, it has to be the one with Lister's GELF bride," Rimmer teased. "That'd be a great vacation."
"No smegging way I'd ever go back there."
"No, no," Kochanski shook her head. "We didn't land there but there was a tiny planet... a paradise planet."
"What? I don't remember that," Rimmer stated.
"Of course not, I only noticed it working through logs."
"Now why go there anyway?" Rimmer inquired wondering what Kochanski was up to.
"Come on being a father can't be easy." They looked to the Cat again as Talib begged for ice cream."Oh, come on Rimmer be nice for once. Think of someone else," Kochanski suggested.
"That'd be something," Kryten remarked and Rimmer threw him an evil glance.
"So, we should just stop the ship for Cat," Rimmer stated Kochanski's idea.
"Yes," she sighed. "You don't have to go with us."
"I don't know if I'm speaking for myself but I'm happy he has a son." Everyone looked to Rimmer.
"You've been around the nitrogen tanks again haven't you," Lister pointed at Rimmer.
"Oh come on everyone. We don't have to see the Cat rolling around on his skates with a megaphone saying, 'Attention all lady cats! I am feeling very sexy!'" Lister quickly left the table for another vindaloo. "What?"
"There's just something about you saying that," Lister cringed.
"Anyways everyone knows only the captain can make an order like that," Rimmer scoffed.
"Says who?" Kochanski awaited his offical answer.
"Space Cops directive number 5796," Rimmer smugly crossed his arms.
"Sir are you sure that applies?" Kyten looked to him.
"Of course," Rimmer stated through his haughty grin.
"No officer above the rank of mess sergeant is permitted to go into combat with pierced nipples, sir I don't really think that applies to this situation," Kryten corrected.
"What ever directive it is, I don't care," Kochanski arose. "We're going." She walked to the door and then turned. "Come on Lister." He looked up to her as he ate his third chicken vindaloo.
"I would but... you know... vindaloo," Lister shrugged.
"Listy," she pathetically pouted.
"Alright," Lister joined her with his food in hand.
"Hey, were are you going?" Rimmer called after him.
"Sorry, man I'm a sucker for the female persuasion."
Chapter 3
"So Kryte," Lister walked on to the Canary shuttle with a box in hand, "you know who Talib's father is?"
"Yes, Sir," Kryten nodded.
"Well, think you could tell me now?"
"Sorry Mr. Lister, the Cat does not want to disclose that information," Kryten notified.
"Aww, come on rewire your circuits and something and tell me," Lister set down the box. Kryten looked around the bay then whispered the details in Lister's ear. "Bloody hell, smeg that's sick. You gotta tell him."
"He won't listen, sir."
"Man, that's grosser than me seein' me own mum in the nude," Lister shook his head.
"Well, technically Mr. Lister you have."
"Oh yeah," Lister smiled remembered.
"Move out of the way people," Cat ran on to the ship clad in a gold short suit. "I'm going on vacation, oww!" He performed his trademark spin. "Get me some milk, a fish dinner and one fine lady on that tropical paradise and I'll be set."
"Dad," The now sixteen-year-old Talib came on after the Cat. "Don't go. You still haven't taught me comb style number twelve, yet." Kryten and Lister looked to each other.
"Talib," Kochanski entered. "You're staying here with Rimmer."
"No, he's an idiot."
"What did a say about that?" Cat looked to his son.
"Sorry, he's a smeghead."
"But you loved playing well... you haven't done anything with him, but you will. Maybe you could play a VR game," Kochanski smiled.
"I don't recommend 'Better Than Life'," Cat whispered in Talib's ear.
"Dad, I wanna go with you," Talib begged.
"Come on Talib," Rimmer entered. "I got us plenty to do."
"Rimmer why are you doing this? I couldn't even get you to watch a skutter," Lister questioned.
"There happens to be a child care position I can fill."
"And it just happens this rank is higher than yours," Kochanski mumbled. "There's always a catch with Rimmer."
Lister rolled his eyes at Rimmer's answer, "What would you know about kids. You weren't even one."
"I've had some extensive training mind you."
"Sir, is that where the five burnt out baby simulator chips came from?" Kryten inquired.
"What would he do to Talib?" Cat put his hand on Talib's shoulder.
"He'll be fine," Rimmer sighed. "Come along." Talib stared at Rimmer. "Well, come on don't just stand there." Talib watched Rimmer walk off the ramp. As soon as Rimmer was off the ship Talib lunged to the door release and pressed it.
"Talib!"
Talib slowly turned to Cat.
"Good job."
***
"Wow," Lister looked in awe around the green planet as he stepped off the ramp. "Looks a lot like Earth." Kochanski took to his side.
"A bit," she smiled. "Except the two suns, three moons and an asteroid belt."
They had landed in a tropical forest clearing just beside a river. No other life forms were in sight. Talib stepped off the ship fascinated by his surroundings. He had never seen such green before.
"Thought you'd get rid of me, ay?" Rimmer beamed in front of Talib.
"Agh!" Talib fell back and Rimmer laughed.
"Holly must have beamed Rimmer here," Kryten explained.
"How is this suppose to be a vacation with him here?" Talib stood up.
"Well, if he tries he might have a good time," Cat approached. "Tries really hard."
"I can have fun," Rimmer crossed his arms.
"And this from the man who catalogues his shoes for a good folly," Lister chuckled.
"Everyone just forget he's here and relax," Kochanski instructed as she took out a map Holly made. "Now, there's a beach on the other side of this forest."
"Forget Rimmer, that'll be easy," Talib walked past Rimmer.
"I resent that," Rimmer called after him.
***
"Ah, I feel like a real outdoorsman," Rimmer inhaled as they marched through the tropical forest.
"What's that?" Talib questioned.
"Well, he can live off the land; he's very resourceful."
"Oh, like Lister," Talib smiled.
"No... not like Lister."
"Well, he can make a great curry."
"And how is that resourceful?" Rimmer rolled his eyes.
"All he needs is a pipe, curry powder, pepper-"
"Stop right there," Rimmer held up his hand.
"Hey, kids learnin'," Lister patted his back.
"And from a complete smeghead," Rimmer murmured.
***
"Can we stop," Cat sat on a log and begins to rummage through his "beauty bag". "I just have to change my shoes"
"Yeah, I think we all could use a break," Kochanski stopped beside the log.
"I don't think this is a good idea," Rimmer stated.
"Did anyone hear something?" Kryten looked around.
"Whoa, good one Kryte," Lister chuckled.
"Oh come on, I'm just suggesting we shouldn't stop till we hit the beach," Rimmer complained.
"Can someone shut him up?" Talib requested.
"Well---"
"ZZZZIIINNNPP"
In a quick flash Rimmer's beam disappeared.
"I wasn't serious," Talib's face fell.
"What was that?" Cat stood up.
"I think it was some out side charge that---"
"ZZZZIIINNNPP"
Kryten fell to the ground.
"Kryten," Kochanski ran to him.
"ZZZZIIINNNPP"
Kochanski was down.
"Kris!!"
"ZZZZIIINNNPP"
Then Lister.
"ZZZZIIINNNPP"
"Oh no," Talib looked around panky. "No not dad!"
"ZZZZIIINNNPP"
The cat fell to the ground and Talib went to him.
"Dad, dad, da-"
"ZZZZIIINNNPP"
Chapter 4
Rimmer moaned and felt his head. He opened his eyes to see he was in a dimly lit concrete room. There were figures of beings around him also on the floor. He couldn't make them out but sensed they were familiar.
"Agghh," Rimmer quickly turned to see a figure sitting up behind him. "Kochanski?"
"Rimmer?" She moved closer to him.
"What happened to you?"
Kochanski had on a hideous mask, a sash weight and thick wavy glasses. She felt for her face but only felt the mask.
"What is going on?" She began to breath hardly. "Agh, I think I'm blind!" Suddenly a buzzing sound came from in the shadows of the room. Rimmer and Kochanski looked to each other afraid of what it could be. Soon Kryten moved from out of the shadow to stand above them.
"Are you two, Ahhh!" Kryten grabbed his head.
"What's wrong Kryten?" Rimmer questioned as he arose.
"What was that sir?" He gained composure.
"Bloody Hell!"
They all turned to see what they believed to be Lister come forth in a ghoulish mask.
"Agh!" Rimmer, the spineless man that he is, ran behind Kryten at the sight of Lister.
"Oh my," Kochanski gasped at the sight even though she could barely see Lister. He stood there with a canvas bag pad locked around his neck and a repulsive mask over his face.
"Mr. Lister?" Kryten called.
"What in smeggin' hell is going on!" Lister adjusted the heavy canvas around his neck.
"We appear to be in a- agh!" Kryten gripped his head once again.
"Hello?!" Cat called from a far corner and they all went to him. They stood in shock as they stared at him. "What happened to all of you?"
"What happened to you?" They questioned in unison. Cat stood there wearing a red clown nose and no eyebrows.
"From looking at you guy's I don't even want to know what's wrong with me," Cat shook his head.
"Where are we?" Lister felt one of the walls and it opened. Large masked men entered and led them all to another room.
***
"Who are you?" A female voice bellowed. They all looked for where the voice was coming from. "I repeat who are you?!"
"We are the crew of the mining ship Red Dwarf," Kryten answered.
"Why are you here? Why did you trespass?" The voice questioned.
"Trespass... we didn't know we were," Kochanski could barely say the statement because her head was now throbbing from the glasses.
"Where are we anyway?" Lister questioned struggling with his bag.
"You are in Destonia in the H-G headquarters," she informed. "I am the Handicap General, Diana Moon Glampers." She became visible before them on a high podium. "Now why are you here?"
"All we wanted was a vacation," Cat bellowed slightly frightened.
"Vacation?" She laughed and Kryten clutched his head again.
"What are you... doing to him?" Kochanski questioned up to the towering figure.
"Making him equal," Diana simply declared.
"Equal? This isn't right, he can't... even... finish a sentence," Kochanski stammered herself.
"Just like you right?"
"Ugh!" Kochanski grabbed at the glasses.
"Uh un, you can't do that?" Diana wagged her finger.
"And... why... not?" Kochanski struggled with the spectacles.
"You will be placed in prison and pay one thousand clogs."
"Wha?" Kochanski gave up.
"Lady, where is my son?" Cat looked up to Diana.
"The smart, gorgeous, athletic one?"
"Well, he does take after me a little," Cat smiled proud.
"Bring him in," Diana ordered one of the large men to fetch Talib.
"Son?" Cat approached the six-foot tall man. Talib's molecular structure was disturbed by his mother's long stay in status. Talib was still aging at a rapid rate. Cat touched his face. Talib's eyebrows were gone just like Cat's but also his hair was gone, his teeth were blackened snaggle-tooth random, he had on a head gear that had giant headphones and the same wavy glasses Kochanski had. He stood there as a heap of scrap metal with the pieces adding up to over two hundred pounds to his total weight. "What did you do to him?"
"Like I said, I made him equal," Diana repeated.
"What type of sick place is this?" Lister spoke up. "You can't do this."
"Oh really?" She leaned forward. "Take them back to the hole!"
Chapter 5
"What are we... going to... do?" Kochanski paced the room in an awkward line.
"Escape," Lister answered full of hope. "I'll come up with a plan.'
"Oh were dead," Rimmer took a seat against the wall. "Lister will come up with a plan with more holes than his underpants."
"I think I have a plan," Talib muttered.
"What is it?" Kryten looked to him. He was loosing hope. He had tried to contact to Holly but received no answer.
"Well, I was thinking that if we-AGH!" He fell to the floor holding the headphones over his ears just as Kryten held his ears.
"I think I now understand what is happening to those two," Rimmer stood up. "They're both intelligent so their thought's get shattered."
"Shattered?" Cat repeated.
"Yes to make them equal. See I have a theory..."
"Oh no," Lister sighed.
"See I believe there are pieces in the ears of the ones above normal intelligence, the same with Kochanski's glasses, with weights on the strong and mask on the beautiful... What did I just say?"
"You just claimed you are a complete idiot and nauseatingly average looking," Talib informed.
"I was wondering why no handicap was on him," Lister pointed at Rimmer.
"Forget all that, we need to get out of here," Kochanski began to feel the walls for a way out.
"Forget? How?" Cat rubbed the place where his eyebrows had been.
"Officer Kochanski what are you-" Kryten winced and Talib moaned.
"What was yours?" Talib questioned.
"I believe a it was the shattering of glass."
"Mine was a riveting gun," Talib slightly shook.
"Hey," Kochanski removed a panel in the wall. "A duct."
"Oh no, am I the only one experiencing déjà vu?" Cat questioned.
"Come on, it's our only chance out of this place," she urged them to join her. "You do want to leave, don't you?"
***
"Ouch, get off of my hand," Rimmer wined behind Lister. "Move."
"I can't," Lister was motionless in the cramped space.
"What's wrong with him?" Talib questioned ahead.
"He's claustrophobic," Kochanski halted also.
"Why?" Talib looked to Lister as he panted.
"Hey man, didn't it have to do with cashier number four, a crate of tinned asparagus and...Hey!" Kochanski stepped back on Cat's hand.
"No one wants to hear it."
"Mr. Lister just take a deep breath and keep moving," Kryten instructed. Soon they began to move again in the tight duct.
***
"Air, air," Lister cried as he fell out of the duct to the ground. They exited the duct covered in dust and dirt.
"There they go!!"
Everyone turned to see H-G men running towards them.
"I have... a plan," Kochanski stood scared stiff.
"Well, what is it?" Rimmer's expression grew into shear fear.
"We run!!"
"I can do that, I'm good at that." All six of them began to run away from the men the best they could.
"Kris!" Lister called out.
"What?!" She shouted back.
"Watch out for that tree!!"
"The wh-ooff," Kochanski ran straight into a tree. Talib limped to her and helped her up. His weights were making it almost impossible to move but he still picked up Kochanski and began to run again with her over his shoulder.
"Where almost to the ship it--Agh!" Another mind shattering sound blasted through his head and he fell.
"Kryte, get up!" Lister stopped and pulled on his arm. He glanced back and saw the H-G men were approaching quickly. Soon Kryten was on his feet and running with Lister by his side.
"Not so fast," Diana approached in a giant vehicle. They all stopped and looked to all sides of themselves.
"Where trapped!" Cat cried.
"Your feline is correct," Diana stepped out and approached them. "Where do you think your going? H-G men get ready and you all might want to brace yourselves."
"I'm afaird to ask but why?" Rimmer winced.
"Your all about to die in five minutes, except you."
Rimmer looked to her and smiled. "You'll be dead in one minute."
"I can't die like this," Cat complained. "I need dignity. I need eyebrows!" Suddenly a shadow is cast over them. Everyone looked up to see the Canary shuttle.
"Need a lift?" Holly's voice was audible and the entire Red Dwarf crew looked to each other and smiled; everyone except Kochanski, of course.
Chapter 6
"How did you do it?" Talib asked Holly as Lister used a blowtorch to free him from his handicaps.
"Well, I got a message from Kryten and I spotted you all, great timing ay?" Holly appeared very proud of himself.
"Great timing would have been when we contacted you in the first place," Rimmer rolled his eyes.
"But I only got one contact from you," Holly informed.
"Officer Kochanski you're awake," Kryten arose as she entered, now with out handicaps. "How are you?"
"My eyes feel like someone placed them in a pepper grinder," she rubbed her eyes.
"Better, that is good."
"You know I had the weirdest dream."
"Oh, really?" Rimmer looked to her.
"Yeah, we were stuck on this planet where we had these handicaps to make us equal to each other."
"And how did we get on this planet and in all this trouble?" Rimmer smugly questioned.
"It was all my fault."
"Ahh, that's what I've been waiting to hear. I don't want to say it but..."
"Just say no Rimmer," Lister pleaded.
"I told ya so," he pointed at Kochanski, laughed then left the room.
"What is he talking about?" Kochanski honestly thought their entire experience was a dream.
"In coming message," Holly announced. "Help, we are trapped in Destonia with no way of e-Aghh!"
"Destonia, was in my dream. Talib? How did you get so old? And Cat, what happened to your eyebrows? Oh, my..."
***
"I really wish you would think this over," Cat placed his hand on Talib's shoulder as they all stood in the docking by. Talib was now as old as Cat.
"I have, a lot and going out on my own is what I need to do," Talib's eyes began to tear slightly. "Good bye, dad." He embraced Cat and Kryten began to squeal. Rimmer threw him a glance.
"It's just so, so touching," Kryten cried.
"Oh get over it you blubbering bot," Rimmer crossed his arms.
"Thank you for saving my life," Kochanski enfolded Talib.
"Thanks man," Lister slapped hands with Talib, "for the best turkey vindaloo. If you see any poppadoms out there, don't be afraid to ring me up." Talib smiled and hugged Lister.
"Rimmer," Talib approached him. "Can bygones be bygones?"
"I guess," Rimmer shrugged.
"Sorry for injecting you when I was a kid," Talib apologized.
"It's quite alright."
"And I'm sorry for locking you in the disposal bay, and for getting you stuck in the lift and-"
"Bygones," Rimmer placed out his hand and Talib hesitated but then shook it. "Good luck on your journey."
"Thanks," Talib smiled and then looked at Kryten. He was balling and had lost all composure. "Kryten is your artificial emotion chip corrupted?"
"No, sir I'm just upset you have to go," Kryten wined.
"It's okay Kryten," Talib hugged the android then walked to his ship. They all smiled as if they were to see Talib again one day. He boarded his ship and they cleared the bay. Talib was gone.
***
"What a month," Lister remarked.
"Yeah," Kochanski sighed. "I'm so sorry Cat you had to loose two people you care about."
"Yeah, man that was tough," Lister patted Cat's back.
"Why are you acting like that?" Cat looked strangely at Lister and Kochanski.
"Well, its sympathy," Kochanski tried to explain.
"I'll never get you monkeys," Cat shook his head. "Why be sad? I don't have a kid anymore. I know I raised him well." Everyone stared at the Cat, as his speech was full of wisdom. "And now I can see any lady cats any time I want. I'm free." They all rolled their eyes as the moment ended.
"Mr. Cat sir, I'm still wondering if you want to know who the father of Talib was," Kryten informed.
"Sure, what the hell," Cat shrugged.
"Your father."
"Huh?"
"Your father is the father of Talib," Kryten repeated.
"Oh you can't be serious. This is getting sicker by the second," Rimmer left.
"Wait, if Talib was my brother then that means...." Cat's face dropped.
"Hey, Cat I've done it to," Lister tried to soften the blow of the news.
"But, but... Aaaaaagggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!"
the end
It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere
I'm all alone, more or less
Let me fly, far away from here
Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun
I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
Drinking fresh mango juice
Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes
Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun
I'll pack my bags and head into hyperspace
Where I'll succeed at time-warp speed
Spend my days in the ultraviolet rays
Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun
We'll lock on course straight through the universe
You and me and the galaxy
Reach the stage where hyperdrive's engaged
Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun
Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun
Equal
By: LESG
: TRANSMISSION: This is the Jupiter mining ship Red Dwarf. On board is a hard light hologram, Arnold J. Rimmer, an android, Kryten 2X4B 523P, two humans, Dave Lister and Kristine Z. Kochanski, and a two cat humanoids one is, The Cat. And one yet developed who is... Well we know it's not Cat's: END TRANSMISSON:
Chapter 1
"Hol where is he?" Lister looked to the screen on the wall of the mess hall.
Holly appeared, "Still in the pediatric ward Dave."
"Well, call him again. He's going to eat dinner," Rimmer demanded.
"Yeah," Kochanski moaned. "We need help with the fish dinners... for the twelfth night in a row."
"No response," Holly informed after a message was sent.
"He must really feel I dunno... sad?" Lister tried to offer an explanation. "I mean he wouldn't even let Kryte tell him who's the father."
"But does that mean we have to eat his favorite meal every night?" Kochanski pushed away her plate. "It doesn't change, its always fish dinner!"
"Officer Kochanski, to lure Cat to dinner it must be pleasing to him," Kryten explained the technique they were using.
"What about me? My bloody taste buds... they only taste... fish!!!" She cried.
"Get a hold of yourself," Lister took her arms in his hands and lightly shook her.
"Your... not... helping." She notified between each head bob.
"Oh... sorry," Lister stopped and removed his hands from her.
"Let's just see what he's up to," Rimmer arose and led the way to the pediatric ward.
***
"He has it sealed," the hard light hologram felt the closed door.
"What? Holly open the entry to the pediatric ward," Lister requested.
"Can't," Holly responded.
"And why not?" Kochanski questioned.
"Cat said so."
"He must a reason for this," Kryten touched the solid door.
"What's that?" Rimmer put his ear to the door and perceive the sound of out of sync notes on a guitar being plucked. The others did the same.
"Hey, its recordings of me," Lister smiled.
"Oh no wonder he's insane."
"Cat!!" They all began to pound on the door in an effort to get his attention. The music stopped and the door opened to reveal a horrid view of the ward.
"What happened?" Kochanski picked up a piece of scrap metal.
"The question is what did this," Rimmer looked in disgust around the room. "Where's Cat?"
"I think I found him," Lister's voice was heard on the other end of the room. Cat was sitting on the floor still in his black suit. The suit was torn in spots and he shook. "Look like he had a fright."
"What happened to you Mr. Cat?" Kryten questioned.
"Ba- Ba- Baby got..." his voice trailed off as he looked to the ceiling.
"Look out below!!!" A small 'catboy' swung down on a loose cable.
"Agghhh!!" Rimmer fell with the boy on top of him.
"Darn it, didn't make it through the post on your forehead." The boy moved off of Rimmer.
"The post? I think someone has been learning from the Cat," Rimmer looked again at the boy and jumped back.
"I thought he was a baby?" Kochanski gasped.
"Was," Cat stood up and brushed himself off.
"This is one of the strangest phenomenon I have ever seen. He's appears to be six years old," Kryten visually examined the boy.
"What could explain this?" Lister asked as he watched the boy run to another area in the room.
"All answers will be in the lab," Kryten turned and led the way.
"Slow down, you, you ... it," Rimmer ordered as he led the catboy down the corridor to the lab on a 20th century child leash. "Again why do I ahgg..." Rimmer tripped and fell to the ground he was now being pulled across the hard metal floor.
"Woah, did the kid slip into the ships supply of sugar?" Kochanski began to run with Lister, Kryten and Cat to the lab.
Kryten broke down the molecular structure of the cat humanoid DNA; just as he had done before to find the components of disease in Felis. While waiting for the results Cat left to freshen up and Rimmer searched the lab for a sedative.
"Almost done?" Lister questioned Kryten as he worked on a computer counsel.
"I believe so."
Lister looked at the rapid moment of Kryten's fingers and thought of the moment everyone found out the "baby" wasn't Cat's.
"Hey Kryte."
"Yes Mr. Lister," Kryten answered as he continued to work.
"You know who's the..." he glanced back to Rimmer as he struggled with the catboy.
"Yes."
"Think you could tell me?"
"I don't see why not," Kryten shrugged, paused his work and beckoned Lister closer.
"Boom!"
Lister and Kryten turned to see Rimmer knocked out on the floor. The syringe meant for the overactive boy ended up in Rimmer's limb instead. The catboy laughed wildly on the floor next to the limp hologram.
"Rimmmer," Kochanski walked to him, and bent down. "Rimmer you are not sedated. You're a hologram." Rimmer did not move so Kochanski slapped him. This caused the laughter to become wilder from the boy.
"Hey!!" He shot up.
Kochanski scoffed, "You have the bravery of a flightless chicken."
"Hey look who it is," Lister announced Cat's entrance. His aura appeared less vivacious than usual.
"Daddy," the boy ran and gripped himself to Cat's leg. Cat looked down the half dressed creature.
"What have I told you about calling me that," Cat's voice was cold; a cold it had never sounded before. The rest of the persons in the room and looked to each other. Wondering if the Cat they all knew was gone.
Chapter 2
Rimmer looked to the now 10 year old boy, named Talib by Cat, as he sat at the end of the table in the mess hall drawing with Cat by his side. Twenty- nine hours had passed since Kryten had explained the rapid growth in the boy. There was a certain endorphin in the "cat humanoid" that was increased in the early years of life that cause their physical age to change just over the span of many hours. Kryten also calculated the age by noticing a two-year change every day.
"So this is natural?" Rimmer looked to Kryten.
"From all my test this is a normal part of a cat humanoid life."
"I wonder why Cat doesn't remember," Kochanski walked to the condiment aspirator to receive sugar for her tea.
"Wonder why Cat doesn't mention any of his past life?"
Rimmer shrugged.
"Maybe he just doesn't remember," Lister tried to explain.
"Maybe," Kochanski swirled a stirrer in her tea. "I got an idea." They turned to her as her face lit up. "Cat needs a break. Look at him." Cat was now teaching Talib about which fabrics do and don't go together.
"Nah, he looks better," Lister held up his hand.
"But still... remember that planet we saw a while back?"
"Which one ma'am?" Kryten's back up memory began to scan itself.
"The one the nanobots destroyed?" Lister guessed.
"No, it has to be the one with Lister's GELF bride," Rimmer teased. "That'd be a great vacation."
"No smegging way I'd ever go back there."
"No, no," Kochanski shook her head. "We didn't land there but there was a tiny planet... a paradise planet."
"What? I don't remember that," Rimmer stated.
"Of course not, I only noticed it working through logs."
"Now why go there anyway?" Rimmer inquired wondering what Kochanski was up to.
"Come on being a father can't be easy." They looked to the Cat again as Talib begged for ice cream."Oh, come on Rimmer be nice for once. Think of someone else," Kochanski suggested.
"That'd be something," Kryten remarked and Rimmer threw him an evil glance.
"So, we should just stop the ship for Cat," Rimmer stated Kochanski's idea.
"Yes," she sighed. "You don't have to go with us."
"I don't know if I'm speaking for myself but I'm happy he has a son." Everyone looked to Rimmer.
"You've been around the nitrogen tanks again haven't you," Lister pointed at Rimmer.
"Oh come on everyone. We don't have to see the Cat rolling around on his skates with a megaphone saying, 'Attention all lady cats! I am feeling very sexy!'" Lister quickly left the table for another vindaloo. "What?"
"There's just something about you saying that," Lister cringed.
"Anyways everyone knows only the captain can make an order like that," Rimmer scoffed.
"Says who?" Kochanski awaited his offical answer.
"Space Cops directive number 5796," Rimmer smugly crossed his arms.
"Sir are you sure that applies?" Kyten looked to him.
"Of course," Rimmer stated through his haughty grin.
"No officer above the rank of mess sergeant is permitted to go into combat with pierced nipples, sir I don't really think that applies to this situation," Kryten corrected.
"What ever directive it is, I don't care," Kochanski arose. "We're going." She walked to the door and then turned. "Come on Lister." He looked up to her as he ate his third chicken vindaloo.
"I would but... you know... vindaloo," Lister shrugged.
"Listy," she pathetically pouted.
"Alright," Lister joined her with his food in hand.
"Hey, were are you going?" Rimmer called after him.
"Sorry, man I'm a sucker for the female persuasion."
Chapter 3
"So Kryte," Lister walked on to the Canary shuttle with a box in hand, "you know who Talib's father is?"
"Yes, Sir," Kryten nodded.
"Well, think you could tell me now?"
"Sorry Mr. Lister, the Cat does not want to disclose that information," Kryten notified.
"Aww, come on rewire your circuits and something and tell me," Lister set down the box. Kryten looked around the bay then whispered the details in Lister's ear. "Bloody hell, smeg that's sick. You gotta tell him."
"He won't listen, sir."
"Man, that's grosser than me seein' me own mum in the nude," Lister shook his head.
"Well, technically Mr. Lister you have."
"Oh yeah," Lister smiled remembered.
"Move out of the way people," Cat ran on to the ship clad in a gold short suit. "I'm going on vacation, oww!" He performed his trademark spin. "Get me some milk, a fish dinner and one fine lady on that tropical paradise and I'll be set."
"Dad," The now sixteen-year-old Talib came on after the Cat. "Don't go. You still haven't taught me comb style number twelve, yet." Kryten and Lister looked to each other.
"Talib," Kochanski entered. "You're staying here with Rimmer."
"No, he's an idiot."
"What did a say about that?" Cat looked to his son.
"Sorry, he's a smeghead."
"But you loved playing well... you haven't done anything with him, but you will. Maybe you could play a VR game," Kochanski smiled.
"I don't recommend 'Better Than Life'," Cat whispered in Talib's ear.
"Dad, I wanna go with you," Talib begged.
"Come on Talib," Rimmer entered. "I got us plenty to do."
"Rimmer why are you doing this? I couldn't even get you to watch a skutter," Lister questioned.
"There happens to be a child care position I can fill."
"And it just happens this rank is higher than yours," Kochanski mumbled. "There's always a catch with Rimmer."
Lister rolled his eyes at Rimmer's answer, "What would you know about kids. You weren't even one."
"I've had some extensive training mind you."
"Sir, is that where the five burnt out baby simulator chips came from?" Kryten inquired.
"What would he do to Talib?" Cat put his hand on Talib's shoulder.
"He'll be fine," Rimmer sighed. "Come along." Talib stared at Rimmer. "Well, come on don't just stand there." Talib watched Rimmer walk off the ramp. As soon as Rimmer was off the ship Talib lunged to the door release and pressed it.
"Talib!"
Talib slowly turned to Cat.
"Good job."
***
"Wow," Lister looked in awe around the green planet as he stepped off the ramp. "Looks a lot like Earth." Kochanski took to his side.
"A bit," she smiled. "Except the two suns, three moons and an asteroid belt."
They had landed in a tropical forest clearing just beside a river. No other life forms were in sight. Talib stepped off the ship fascinated by his surroundings. He had never seen such green before.
"Thought you'd get rid of me, ay?" Rimmer beamed in front of Talib.
"Agh!" Talib fell back and Rimmer laughed.
"Holly must have beamed Rimmer here," Kryten explained.
"How is this suppose to be a vacation with him here?" Talib stood up.
"Well, if he tries he might have a good time," Cat approached. "Tries really hard."
"I can have fun," Rimmer crossed his arms.
"And this from the man who catalogues his shoes for a good folly," Lister chuckled.
"Everyone just forget he's here and relax," Kochanski instructed as she took out a map Holly made. "Now, there's a beach on the other side of this forest."
"Forget Rimmer, that'll be easy," Talib walked past Rimmer.
"I resent that," Rimmer called after him.
***
"Ah, I feel like a real outdoorsman," Rimmer inhaled as they marched through the tropical forest.
"What's that?" Talib questioned.
"Well, he can live off the land; he's very resourceful."
"Oh, like Lister," Talib smiled.
"No... not like Lister."
"Well, he can make a great curry."
"And how is that resourceful?" Rimmer rolled his eyes.
"All he needs is a pipe, curry powder, pepper-"
"Stop right there," Rimmer held up his hand.
"Hey, kids learnin'," Lister patted his back.
"And from a complete smeghead," Rimmer murmured.
***
"Can we stop," Cat sat on a log and begins to rummage through his "beauty bag". "I just have to change my shoes"
"Yeah, I think we all could use a break," Kochanski stopped beside the log.
"I don't think this is a good idea," Rimmer stated.
"Did anyone hear something?" Kryten looked around.
"Whoa, good one Kryte," Lister chuckled.
"Oh come on, I'm just suggesting we shouldn't stop till we hit the beach," Rimmer complained.
"Can someone shut him up?" Talib requested.
"Well---"
"ZZZZIIINNNPP"
In a quick flash Rimmer's beam disappeared.
"I wasn't serious," Talib's face fell.
"What was that?" Cat stood up.
"I think it was some out side charge that---"
"ZZZZIIINNNPP"
Kryten fell to the ground.
"Kryten," Kochanski ran to him.
"ZZZZIIINNNPP"
Kochanski was down.
"Kris!!"
"ZZZZIIINNNPP"
Then Lister.
"ZZZZIIINNNPP"
"Oh no," Talib looked around panky. "No not dad!"
"ZZZZIIINNNPP"
The cat fell to the ground and Talib went to him.
"Dad, dad, da-"
"ZZZZIIINNNPP"
Chapter 4
Rimmer moaned and felt his head. He opened his eyes to see he was in a dimly lit concrete room. There were figures of beings around him also on the floor. He couldn't make them out but sensed they were familiar.
"Agghh," Rimmer quickly turned to see a figure sitting up behind him. "Kochanski?"
"Rimmer?" She moved closer to him.
"What happened to you?"
Kochanski had on a hideous mask, a sash weight and thick wavy glasses. She felt for her face but only felt the mask.
"What is going on?" She began to breath hardly. "Agh, I think I'm blind!" Suddenly a buzzing sound came from in the shadows of the room. Rimmer and Kochanski looked to each other afraid of what it could be. Soon Kryten moved from out of the shadow to stand above them.
"Are you two, Ahhh!" Kryten grabbed his head.
"What's wrong Kryten?" Rimmer questioned as he arose.
"What was that sir?" He gained composure.
"Bloody Hell!"
They all turned to see what they believed to be Lister come forth in a ghoulish mask.
"Agh!" Rimmer, the spineless man that he is, ran behind Kryten at the sight of Lister.
"Oh my," Kochanski gasped at the sight even though she could barely see Lister. He stood there with a canvas bag pad locked around his neck and a repulsive mask over his face.
"Mr. Lister?" Kryten called.
"What in smeggin' hell is going on!" Lister adjusted the heavy canvas around his neck.
"We appear to be in a- agh!" Kryten gripped his head once again.
"Hello?!" Cat called from a far corner and they all went to him. They stood in shock as they stared at him. "What happened to all of you?"
"What happened to you?" They questioned in unison. Cat stood there wearing a red clown nose and no eyebrows.
"From looking at you guy's I don't even want to know what's wrong with me," Cat shook his head.
"Where are we?" Lister felt one of the walls and it opened. Large masked men entered and led them all to another room.
***
"Who are you?" A female voice bellowed. They all looked for where the voice was coming from. "I repeat who are you?!"
"We are the crew of the mining ship Red Dwarf," Kryten answered.
"Why are you here? Why did you trespass?" The voice questioned.
"Trespass... we didn't know we were," Kochanski could barely say the statement because her head was now throbbing from the glasses.
"Where are we anyway?" Lister questioned struggling with his bag.
"You are in Destonia in the H-G headquarters," she informed. "I am the Handicap General, Diana Moon Glampers." She became visible before them on a high podium. "Now why are you here?"
"All we wanted was a vacation," Cat bellowed slightly frightened.
"Vacation?" She laughed and Kryten clutched his head again.
"What are you... doing to him?" Kochanski questioned up to the towering figure.
"Making him equal," Diana simply declared.
"Equal? This isn't right, he can't... even... finish a sentence," Kochanski stammered herself.
"Just like you right?"
"Ugh!" Kochanski grabbed at the glasses.
"Uh un, you can't do that?" Diana wagged her finger.
"And... why... not?" Kochanski struggled with the spectacles.
"You will be placed in prison and pay one thousand clogs."
"Wha?" Kochanski gave up.
"Lady, where is my son?" Cat looked up to Diana.
"The smart, gorgeous, athletic one?"
"Well, he does take after me a little," Cat smiled proud.
"Bring him in," Diana ordered one of the large men to fetch Talib.
"Son?" Cat approached the six-foot tall man. Talib's molecular structure was disturbed by his mother's long stay in status. Talib was still aging at a rapid rate. Cat touched his face. Talib's eyebrows were gone just like Cat's but also his hair was gone, his teeth were blackened snaggle-tooth random, he had on a head gear that had giant headphones and the same wavy glasses Kochanski had. He stood there as a heap of scrap metal with the pieces adding up to over two hundred pounds to his total weight. "What did you do to him?"
"Like I said, I made him equal," Diana repeated.
"What type of sick place is this?" Lister spoke up. "You can't do this."
"Oh really?" She leaned forward. "Take them back to the hole!"
Chapter 5
"What are we... going to... do?" Kochanski paced the room in an awkward line.
"Escape," Lister answered full of hope. "I'll come up with a plan.'
"Oh were dead," Rimmer took a seat against the wall. "Lister will come up with a plan with more holes than his underpants."
"I think I have a plan," Talib muttered.
"What is it?" Kryten looked to him. He was loosing hope. He had tried to contact to Holly but received no answer.
"Well, I was thinking that if we-AGH!" He fell to the floor holding the headphones over his ears just as Kryten held his ears.
"I think I now understand what is happening to those two," Rimmer stood up. "They're both intelligent so their thought's get shattered."
"Shattered?" Cat repeated.
"Yes to make them equal. See I have a theory..."
"Oh no," Lister sighed.
"See I believe there are pieces in the ears of the ones above normal intelligence, the same with Kochanski's glasses, with weights on the strong and mask on the beautiful... What did I just say?"
"You just claimed you are a complete idiot and nauseatingly average looking," Talib informed.
"I was wondering why no handicap was on him," Lister pointed at Rimmer.
"Forget all that, we need to get out of here," Kochanski began to feel the walls for a way out.
"Forget? How?" Cat rubbed the place where his eyebrows had been.
"Officer Kochanski what are you-" Kryten winced and Talib moaned.
"What was yours?" Talib questioned.
"I believe a it was the shattering of glass."
"Mine was a riveting gun," Talib slightly shook.
"Hey," Kochanski removed a panel in the wall. "A duct."
"Oh no, am I the only one experiencing déjà vu?" Cat questioned.
"Come on, it's our only chance out of this place," she urged them to join her. "You do want to leave, don't you?"
***
"Ouch, get off of my hand," Rimmer wined behind Lister. "Move."
"I can't," Lister was motionless in the cramped space.
"What's wrong with him?" Talib questioned ahead.
"He's claustrophobic," Kochanski halted also.
"Why?" Talib looked to Lister as he panted.
"Hey man, didn't it have to do with cashier number four, a crate of tinned asparagus and...Hey!" Kochanski stepped back on Cat's hand.
"No one wants to hear it."
"Mr. Lister just take a deep breath and keep moving," Kryten instructed. Soon they began to move again in the tight duct.
***
"Air, air," Lister cried as he fell out of the duct to the ground. They exited the duct covered in dust and dirt.
"There they go!!"
Everyone turned to see H-G men running towards them.
"I have... a plan," Kochanski stood scared stiff.
"Well, what is it?" Rimmer's expression grew into shear fear.
"We run!!"
"I can do that, I'm good at that." All six of them began to run away from the men the best they could.
"Kris!" Lister called out.
"What?!" She shouted back.
"Watch out for that tree!!"
"The wh-ooff," Kochanski ran straight into a tree. Talib limped to her and helped her up. His weights were making it almost impossible to move but he still picked up Kochanski and began to run again with her over his shoulder.
"Where almost to the ship it--Agh!" Another mind shattering sound blasted through his head and he fell.
"Kryte, get up!" Lister stopped and pulled on his arm. He glanced back and saw the H-G men were approaching quickly. Soon Kryten was on his feet and running with Lister by his side.
"Not so fast," Diana approached in a giant vehicle. They all stopped and looked to all sides of themselves.
"Where trapped!" Cat cried.
"Your feline is correct," Diana stepped out and approached them. "Where do you think your going? H-G men get ready and you all might want to brace yourselves."
"I'm afaird to ask but why?" Rimmer winced.
"Your all about to die in five minutes, except you."
Rimmer looked to her and smiled. "You'll be dead in one minute."
"I can't die like this," Cat complained. "I need dignity. I need eyebrows!" Suddenly a shadow is cast over them. Everyone looked up to see the Canary shuttle.
"Need a lift?" Holly's voice was audible and the entire Red Dwarf crew looked to each other and smiled; everyone except Kochanski, of course.
Chapter 6
"How did you do it?" Talib asked Holly as Lister used a blowtorch to free him from his handicaps.
"Well, I got a message from Kryten and I spotted you all, great timing ay?" Holly appeared very proud of himself.
"Great timing would have been when we contacted you in the first place," Rimmer rolled his eyes.
"But I only got one contact from you," Holly informed.
"Officer Kochanski you're awake," Kryten arose as she entered, now with out handicaps. "How are you?"
"My eyes feel like someone placed them in a pepper grinder," she rubbed her eyes.
"Better, that is good."
"You know I had the weirdest dream."
"Oh, really?" Rimmer looked to her.
"Yeah, we were stuck on this planet where we had these handicaps to make us equal to each other."
"And how did we get on this planet and in all this trouble?" Rimmer smugly questioned.
"It was all my fault."
"Ahh, that's what I've been waiting to hear. I don't want to say it but..."
"Just say no Rimmer," Lister pleaded.
"I told ya so," he pointed at Kochanski, laughed then left the room.
"What is he talking about?" Kochanski honestly thought their entire experience was a dream.
"In coming message," Holly announced. "Help, we are trapped in Destonia with no way of e-Aghh!"
"Destonia, was in my dream. Talib? How did you get so old? And Cat, what happened to your eyebrows? Oh, my..."
***
"I really wish you would think this over," Cat placed his hand on Talib's shoulder as they all stood in the docking by. Talib was now as old as Cat.
"I have, a lot and going out on my own is what I need to do," Talib's eyes began to tear slightly. "Good bye, dad." He embraced Cat and Kryten began to squeal. Rimmer threw him a glance.
"It's just so, so touching," Kryten cried.
"Oh get over it you blubbering bot," Rimmer crossed his arms.
"Thank you for saving my life," Kochanski enfolded Talib.
"Thanks man," Lister slapped hands with Talib, "for the best turkey vindaloo. If you see any poppadoms out there, don't be afraid to ring me up." Talib smiled and hugged Lister.
"Rimmer," Talib approached him. "Can bygones be bygones?"
"I guess," Rimmer shrugged.
"Sorry for injecting you when I was a kid," Talib apologized.
"It's quite alright."
"And I'm sorry for locking you in the disposal bay, and for getting you stuck in the lift and-"
"Bygones," Rimmer placed out his hand and Talib hesitated but then shook it. "Good luck on your journey."
"Thanks," Talib smiled and then looked at Kryten. He was balling and had lost all composure. "Kryten is your artificial emotion chip corrupted?"
"No, sir I'm just upset you have to go," Kryten wined.
"It's okay Kryten," Talib hugged the android then walked to his ship. They all smiled as if they were to see Talib again one day. He boarded his ship and they cleared the bay. Talib was gone.
***
"What a month," Lister remarked.
"Yeah," Kochanski sighed. "I'm so sorry Cat you had to loose two people you care about."
"Yeah, man that was tough," Lister patted Cat's back.
"Why are you acting like that?" Cat looked strangely at Lister and Kochanski.
"Well, its sympathy," Kochanski tried to explain.
"I'll never get you monkeys," Cat shook his head. "Why be sad? I don't have a kid anymore. I know I raised him well." Everyone stared at the Cat, as his speech was full of wisdom. "And now I can see any lady cats any time I want. I'm free." They all rolled their eyes as the moment ended.
"Mr. Cat sir, I'm still wondering if you want to know who the father of Talib was," Kryten informed.
"Sure, what the hell," Cat shrugged.
"Your father."
"Huh?"
"Your father is the father of Talib," Kryten repeated.
"Oh you can't be serious. This is getting sicker by the second," Rimmer left.
"Wait, if Talib was my brother then that means...." Cat's face dropped.
"Hey, Cat I've done it to," Lister tried to soften the blow of the news.
"But, but... Aaaaaagggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!"
the end
It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere
I'm all alone, more or less
Let me fly, far away from here
Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun
I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
Drinking fresh mango juice
Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes
Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun
I'll pack my bags and head into hyperspace
Where I'll succeed at time-warp speed
Spend my days in the ultraviolet rays
Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun
We'll lock on course straight through the universe
You and me and the galaxy
Reach the stage where hyperdrive's engaged
Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun
Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun