A/N: I wasn't thrilled with Emily's funeral...so I rewrote parts of it. Some of the things are the same from the show, some aren't. This is mostly a Jason centric fic...him getting support from his family and friends...and dealing with some fallout. Since I was rewriting...Carly is with Johnny, Michael is Jason's (how...it doesn't matter) and Morgan is Johnny's son. Also any dialogue that's italicized is from the actual show. If you want to know what episode, let me know. Thanks Rica!
Brenda stepped off the elevator and shook her head. She hated coming home for funerals. She loved her life in Rome, but she was getting sick of saying goodbye to the people she loved. Brenda offered a small smile to Max, "Is he here?" Brenda asked. She hadn't called Jason from the airport like she promised, she didn't want him waiting for her plane to get in. She figured it would be better for her to go to him.
"Go right in," Max said, opening the door, Jason had been walking around in a daze the past few days and the only people he said he wanted to see were Carly, Johnny and Michael. Seeing Brenda would help him out a lot.
Brenda took a deep breath and walked into the place she once called home. On one hand, she was surprised that it looked almost exactly the same but on the other hand she wasn't, Jason didn't care about his surroundings. Brenda took off her coat and walked over to the black suit laid out on the couch. "Jason?" Brenda called, glancing at her watch. The funeral started in a few hours, so Jason needed to finish getting ready. Especially if he wanted to stop by the Quartermaine mausoleum before the service.
Jason sprinted downstairs, "Did you get my message?" Jason asked. He grabbed his leather jacket from the closet and put it on.
"No, the time change always messes up my voicemail for a few hours. Where are you going?" Brenda asked.
"For a ride," Jason said.
"Now?" Brenda asked. "Can't you do that later? We don't have time - "
"I do," Jason said. "I'm not going to the funeral. Monica doesn't want me there. Max can drive you."
"What?" Brenda asked. "What do you mean she doesn't want you there?"
"Get out of here! Get out! You are the only thing I have left, and I don't want you! Get out! And don't you dare think about coming to her funeral, don't you dare show your face around here. Get out! You are not my son! You are not - oh, my God."
Jason took a deep breath, "She said she didn't want me at the funeral - that it's my fault Emily's dead - "
"She's wrong - she's grieving," Brenda whispered and walked over to Jason. She touched his face, "Hey - look at me. It's not your fault. Zacchara is insane, that's why Emily's gone. It's not your fault and Monica was wrong to blame you."
"She was right," Jason said. Monica was grieving, but that didn't mean she wasn't right. It was his fault that his sister died. And if she didn't want him at the funeral, he wouldn't go. If he could spare his mother any more pain, he would. It was the only thing he could do for her.
Brenda reached up and brushed the tears from Jason's face, "No, she wasn't," Brenda insisted. "She's hurt, she's grieving - she lost her daughter. She's looking for someone to blame and you were there so she lashed out at you. Monica loves you - even if she can't admit it right now, she does. She's lost almost everyone she loves and she's going to lose you too if you let her push you away." Brenda wrapped her arms around Jason and hugged him. "Don't let her do that."
Jason closed his eyes and pulled Brenda closer to him. He wondered how he was able to get strength from someone who looked so fragile, but he did. "I miss her already," Jason quietly said.
"I know you do," Brenda said. "I miss her too. She loved you. You were her big brother and you always stood by her side no matter what, just like she stood by yours." She was a little envious of the unconditional love that Jason and Emily had for each other, she wished that she and her sister could get past all their petty differences and have a relationship like that, but they couldn't. "She'd want you to do whatever it is you need to do to get through this day. If you need to go for a ride - do that. If you want to go to her funeral, you should." She knew that Jason didn't like funerals, because they were too public and his emotions were too raw. Anyone who said he was emotionless, didn't know him very well. The only reason he shut down was because he felt too much.
"Emily would want this day to be as easy as possible on Monica, but not at your expense."
Jason stepped back from Brenda and cleared his throat, "I want to go to the funeral," Jason quietly said. On one hand Carly was right, but on the other - Monica had lost too much this year. "But if Monica - "
"This isn't just about her," Brenda insisted. "This is about the people who loved Emily and who Emily loved, and you're near the top of that list. I'll go talk to Monica, you get ready and I'll meet you at the mausoleum unless - "
Jason placed his hand on Brenda's shoulder, "I'd like you to come with me, if - "
"No ifs, I want to," Brenda said. She hated that Jason was often on the fringes of people's lives, that he isolated himself and that he was alone when he needed people as much as they needed him. "I'll meet you at the cemetery." Brenda put her coat back on and started to leave when Jason stopped her.
"Thank you," Jason said. Brenda smiled sadly and gave him a quick hug before leaving.
"Send her in," Monica told Alice. She knew why Brenda was there and there was nothing she could say to change her mind.
Brenda walked over to Monica and hugged her, "I'm sorry," Brenda sincerely said. She glanced around the room and sadly smiled. Aside from Jason, Monica really had no one left. She'd lost three of her children and her husband. She wasn't about to let Monica push away her last family member because she was grief-stricken. Brenda walked over the mantle and picked up the last photograph taken of the Quartermaine family. It seemed like it was taken a lifetime ago. Jason and AJ were actually close, Jason still considered himself a Quartermaine, Monica and Alan thought they had a lifetime ahead of them and Emily's future was filled with so much promise. "You did such a good job with Emily. I remember when she first moved in here, she was so shy and uncertain about everything. With time she came out of her shell and grew into an amazing young woman."
"She changed my life," Monica said. She wasn't sure what she would've done all these years without Emily. It was like Emily filled a void she didn't even know existed. Her life wouldn't be the same without her.
"She changed a lot of people's lives," Brenda said. "Emily saw the good in everyone, she reminded me a lot of Lila. The way she unconditionally loved and supported her loved ones, but never hesitated to tell them when they were wrong."
"I'm not changing my mind," Monica said. "It's Jason's fault that Emily is dead and I don't want him at her funeral."
"That's not your decision to make," Brenda said. "Jason will be at the funeral whether you like it or not, you're going to have to accept it." Brenda sighed, "Monica, you're grieving and you're upset and I understand that. I - "
"You don't know what it's like to have to bury your child, so don't pretend that you do," Monica said.
"You're right," Brenda said. "I don't know what it's like. But that doesn't mean that I've been untouched by death. I've lost family members and friends over the years, and it never gets any easier. Funerals are meant to honor the person that died. Yes, they're for the people left behind but it's not up to you to decide who gets to grieve for Emily and who doesn't. Emily's funeral isn't just for you. You know that Emily loved Jason and that she would want him there. He's going to be there and if you can't deal with it, maybe you should be the one to stay home." She hated that she had to be so harsh with Monica, but it wasn't Monica's decision who got to grieve and who didn't. It wasn't Jason's fault that Emily was gone, and Emily would want Jason at her funeral.
"You can go now," Monica said and watched Brenda leave.
"Alan - Alan? You had no right to attack Jason like that."
"He has no soul. He hasn't been our son for years."
"Well, Jason doesn't need to avenge AJ's death to have a place in my life. I love him, I always have, and I always will."
"Oh, so much for mourning AJ Now, if Jason deigns to speak to you, you couldn't care less who murdered our son."
"You stop it! Your grief over AJ is not exclusive, Alan. He is my son, too. I carried him. I gave birth to him. I raised him. And with all his faults, I loved him, so don't you dare tell me I don't care why or how he died."
"Oh God, what have I done?" Monica walked over to the mantle and picked up the photograph Brenda looked at earlier. "What have I done?"
"Do you need a minute alone?" Brenda asked.
Jason shrugged and stuffed his hands in his coat pockets. "I don't know what to say," Jason quietly said. He didn't have the right words to say to Alan when he was alive, what made him think he'd magically have them the day of Emily's funeral?
Brenda sadly smiled and slipped her arm through Jason's. "Do you know when I went to the Quartermaines to tell them we got married - Alan was there?" Brenda asked, and laughed softly at the memory. "Everyone was so gracious, skeptical - but gracious. He congratulated me and welcomed me to the family. They thought that us getting married, that it was their best shot at bringing you back into the family."
"You know in the few months we were married, I got more dinner invitations than I've gotten in the past 5 years?" Jason asked. When he'd pulled away from the Quartermaines, he'd meant it that he wanted nothing to do with them. But for some reason, he couldn't stay away. There was always something or someone that was pulling him back in. He was never successful in cutting his ties from the Quartermaines. Maybe he kept his distance but if they truly needed him, he'd do whatever he could.
"I believe it," Brenda said. Jason isolated himself from the people who didn't accept him for who he was, sadly that included people that loved him, mainly Alan and Edward. "I know that you and Alan were at odds, more often than not - but he loved you. In his own way, he loved you." Part of Alan died when AJ and Jason got into the accident. He never fully accepted that Jason was different and continued to grieve for a son that was still alive and by trying to mold Jason Morgan into Jason Quartermaine he pushed him away, ruining any chance they had of rebuilding a relationship. But despite all that, she knew that Alan loved Jason and that he loved his father even thought they didn't get along.
"I know," Jason said. He rested his hand over the name plaque, Alan James Quartermaine, Sr., and took a deep breath. "I loved him too." He had few regrets in life, but one of them was that he hadn't had the opportunity to see his father before he died. Their relationship had been so difficult, he'd always been so guarded with Alan. Despite the fact that Alan loved him unconditionally, he was never sure how much of it was him or Jason Quartermaine.
"I really have tried, really really hard to love him. But I've always been prepared for him to fail and I never seem to be disappointed and maybe the failures are my fault, AJ certainly seems to think so. He is my eldest and he should be my pride, but he's not, you are, even now. You may have thought that the - you may have thought that the accident really changed you that much, but it didn't. You see to me, you're still perfect, you're still golden. I know you don't care and that's the irony. Because no matter how hard AJ tries, AJ will never earn my love and no matter how hard you try, you'll never destroy it."
"I did so many things that hurt him. Some of my decisions weren't about him, some were - I knew some things would hurt him, I just didn't care," Jason said.
"It wasn't his place to judge you," Brenda said. "Everyone makes mistakes and you were living your life, by your own rules. As much as it hurts to admit it, Alan gave up any say he had in your life every time he refused to recognize and accept you for who you are. But don't focus on that."
Jason took a deep breath, "I'm sorry," Jason said. "I'm sorry that I couldn't live up to your expectations. I'm sorry that my actions hurt you - but I won't apologize for him, I can't." The two decisions that Alan hated the most, were the ones that shaped him the most. "I know you hate that I work for Sonny, but I found a job where I'm respected. Where it doesn't matter that I have brain damage or an education. I'm good at what I do and I like it." Jason paused for a moment before continuing. "I also know you hate that I helped Carly keep Michael from the Quartermaines, including AJ. But I had to do what was best for that little boy, and I believed that was staying with his mother and not letting him be used as a pawn." Jason traced his fingers over Alan's name. "I'm sorry I couldn't do anything to save Emily. Monica thinks - she blames me, but I never wanted Emily involved in any of - " Jason paused as his thoughts trailed off, remembering a conversation he had with Emily when she thought she was dying of breast cancer.
"One of my favorite things about you is that you've never wasted time or energy being sorry. Don't start because of me."
"If I had thought that her being associated with me would've made her a target, I would've stayed away. But she was my sister, I loved her. Thank you for giving me a sister."
"Jase," Carly said, placing her hand on Jason's arm. She was so glad that Jason changed his mind and decided to go to the funeral. She wasn't thrilled to see Brenda, but for whatever reason she and Jason were friends and Jason needed all the support he could get today.
Jason turned around and hugged Carly, then rested his hand on Michael's shoulder. "Michael - you're here," Jason said. When he saw Michael earlier that day, Michael hadn't been planning to come.
Carly smiled and lightly ran her fingers through Michael's hair, "He changed his mind - just like his dad," Carly said.
"I wanted to say goodbye to Emily," Michael said. "She was always there for me - I thought I could be there for her - and you." Emily had always been a strong presence in his life. Even when she was in rehab and college, she never forgot his birthday and always sent him a separate Christmas present. She'd really been there for both him and Morgan when his mom was having a breakdown.
Jason knelt down and hugged Michael, "Thank you," Jason said. "You know - when you were just a baby, Emily lived with us for a little while. I saw how much she loved you, so I asked her to be your Godmother. She cared about you - she was proud of you."
"Dad - " Michael paused. "She loved you too, she always told me how much I was like you and that she was proud to be your sister. She didn't care what anyone said about you - both the Quartermaines and people who didn't know you. Emily said you were a good person and if anyone was a good judge of character, it was her."
Jason nodded and stood, "She was one of the best people I knew," Jason said. "Why don't you go inside with Brenda and Johnny, I want to talk to your mom for a minute." Michael nodded and let Brenda and Johnny lead him inside the church.
"Jase are you okay?" Carly asked. "If you don't want to stay, you don't have to. I know Emily would understand." She knew that Jason hated funerals, but she also felt it was really important for him to be here, regardless of what Monica thought. But if it was too difficult for Jason to be here, he shouldn't stay. He shouldn't have to force himself to do something if it was going to cause him more pain.
"I'll be fine," Jason said. As tempting as it was to leave, he couldn't. Both Carly and Brenda were right - he laughed softly, wondering what they would think if they knew they were in agreement about something - he needed to be here. "You took the boys to the Quartermaines?"
Carly nodded, "Yeah, Michael wanted to go. I know - " Carly paused and shook her head. "I know it's probably wrong for us to keep Michael away from there - AJ's gone, but Jase - "
"You don't have to explain," Jason said. It was as much Carly's decision as it was his to keep Michael away. "Michael's old enough to make his own decisions, if he wants to go over there or spend time with them, it's his choice. I'm not going to stand in his way if that's what he wants to do." He couldn't believe how fast Michael was growing up, it seemed like yesterday that he was teaching Michael how to ride a bike.
"I won't either," Carly said, reaching out to touch Jason's face. "I know that your sister and I didn't always get along. But we loved some of the same people and she was important to you."
"You know, the first time she came to visit me in the hospital after the accident she was so worried about upsetting me that she just said hi, then left without even telling me her name. She never wanted to be a burden to anyone or be inconsiderate," Jason said. As much as she had matured and grown over the years, that part remained true to her character. She was one of the few selfless people he knew, always putting others first. "Even when she was sick, she waited to tell people because she didn't want anyone to pity her or worry about her if there was nothing she could do. She was stronger than people thought she was."
"Yeah, she was," Carly said. "After Lila died, she was the one that held your family together - she kept them sane."
Carly put her arm around Michael, "That was a really nice service," Carly said. She knew how important Emily was to both Jason and Michael, but she hadn't been aware how many lives Emily had touched.
Michael turned around so he was facing Jason, "Dad, you need to go after whoever did this to Emily," Michael said. "It's not fair - "
"Michael," Carly warned. She knew how Michael felt and that Jason felt the same way - but now wasn't the time or the place for this conversation.
Jason waved his hand, "It's okay," Jason said. He turned to Johnny, "Can you and Carly drop Brenda off at the mansion?" He knew that Brenda wanted to see Ned and spend time with the rest of the Quartermaines. He had been planning to go for a ride then spend time with Michael before having dinner with Brenda. "Bren - I'll call you."
"Do you want to just keep him tonight?" Carly asked. For the most part, Michael stayed with her and Johnny. Michael and Jason spent a lot of time together, but he didn't usually stay over at Jason's. It was just easier, because Leticia was at her house and if Jason needed to leave, Michael would get left with a guard.
"Michael?" Jason asked.
Michael nodded, "Yeah, that's fine," Michael said.
Carly knelt down and kissed Michael on the forehead, "I'll pick you up to take you to school in the morning. I love you," Carly said.
Johnny rested his hand on Michael's shoulder, "I'll have Max drop your book bag off at Jason's," Johnny said. "Did you finish that report?" Michael nodded. "Okay - call me if you need anything else dropped off at your dad's. Everyone ready?" Johnny led Brenda and Carly to the limo.
"Am I in trouble?" Michael asked. He knew he wasn't supposed to talk about his dad's business, but how was he supposed to ignore it?
"No," Jason said. "I just want to talk with you - about Emily, my job, how the two are related and how they're not."
"Sit down," Jason said, gesturing to the couch.
Michael groaned, "Do we have to sit on the couch?" Michael asked. If he was just talking with his dad, it didn't matter where they sat. If it was serious, they had to sit on the couch.
"Michael," Jason warned and pointed to the couch.
"Okay, okay," Michael said. "I'm sitting."
Jason sat down next to Michael, "Emily's gone," Jason began. Michael was a teenager now, he was almost thirteen. He thought the next talk he'd be having with Michael was about safe sex, not about vengeance and death. "It was sudden and you're right, it's not fair that she's gone. She was almost finished with her residency and planning to get married. Maybe in a few years she would've had a child. But, none of that's going to happen."
"Because someone killed her!" Michael said. "Dad, you need to find out who did this. They need to pay. Emily was a good person, she was my Aunt - your sister. You have to make them pay."
Jason rested his hand on Michael's shoulder and for the first time, he looked into his son's eyes and no longer saw an innocent little boy. He saw someone that had been shaped by the violence that was always on the fringes of his life. Michael's innocence was gone and while he couldn't go back and change it, he could help his son hold onto his childhood for a little while longer. "That's not your decision to make," Jason said. "You don't think that I don't want to go after whoever did this? I want them to pay - but Michael, it doesn't matter. The end result is still the same, Emily is still gone. Going after who did this, isn't going to bring her back."
"But - "
"Michael, no," Jason said. "Killing someone, it's final - there's no going back. It's not always the answer and Emily wouldn't want that for the person that killed her. She would want them brought to justice, by the law - "
"The law doesn't always work," Michael insisted. "You can find this guy, you and Johnny - "
"Yeah, I could," Jason said. "I could find this guy and kill him, then what? If I get caught, I go to jail and Emily's still dead." Jason sighed, "Michael, I don't think I had any idea how much my job affected you until now." Michael obviously lived a more sheltered life than his friends. Michael had guards with him 24/7 and there were certain things he couldn't do, simply because he was Jason Morgan's son. But while he was sheltered from some things, there were other things that were an everyday reality. If he could have foreseen this conversation, that his son would be desensitized to murder - he probably would've changed professions. "Killing someone that wrongs you - that's not always the answer."
"You know I made a mistake when I said I'd take care of you. I mean you take care of a dog or a business, but a kid - you have to love. Now look, I don't know if I told you this or not but, I was in an accident and I damaged my brain and I - I can't think like other people. Now look, most of the time it doesn't matter but I missed - I missed a lot of things when it came to you, that I should've understood about you. You have a right to more and a place to sleep, food to eat, you have a right to a life and a name and I know I've made you wait too long, because I guess I thought Carly should be the one who gave them to you, but - but she trusted me to do it. You know I had this friend once, who uh, who believed in me, and gave me the chance to live the way I wanted to and taught me everything I needed to know. I'm gonna do the same for you. I know you're too young to make decisions, but when you can - and until you can, I'm going to keep you safe and give you whatever you need, starting with, a future and a name. And I'll love you, for as long as you need me to - I swear."
"I want more for you," Jason said. "Your mom and I - we want you to have the best life possible. We want you to live a long, happy life. You can do whatever you want to do with your life, you can go to school or start a business or if you decide - " Jason paused, he knew this conversation with Michael was coming, he just didn't think it'd be this soon. "If you decide to work for me, then I want it to be your choice and for you to fully understand everything it entails. I don't want you forced into this life because it's all you know or because it's your only option."
Michael waited a few moments before responding, "I won't mention it again," Michael said.
"No, you will mention it," Jason said.
"Wait, you want me to talk about this? Dad - what you said, it makes sense. I get it, but what I don't get is how even after everything you said to me, I still want this guy dead." Michael said. "I don't understand."
"You comfortable kid? Come on, you can tell me."
"I want you to be honest with me," Jason said. "If there are only two people you can trust, I want them to be your mother and me. I never want you to feel like you can't talk to one of us or with Johnny because we disagree with you or you disagree with us. Okay?"
Michael nodded and gave him a hug, "Yeah, okay," Michael said. "Now - " Michael paused for a moment and debated keeping his mouth shut, but considering his dad just told him to be honest, he was going to say it. "Are you sure you want me to stay here tonight?"
"Yeah," Jason said. "Why? Do you have plans?"
"No, but you do or you might," Michael said. "Brenda's in town."
"Yeah and we're going out to dinner. She's headed to Brooklyn tomorrow to visit Lois and your cousin - "
"So - " Michael said. "If you have plans with her, I can go back to Mom's, it's not a big deal." Michael knew that his dad wasn't seeing anyone right now and that he got along with Brenda, well for the most part they got along. But he trusted her, that had to mean something.
"Michael, we are not having this conversation," Jason said. Ever since Carly got married a few years ago, Michael was always trying to fix him up. Last time it was with some nurse that patched him up at the hospital, the time before that it was with Johnny's sister and the time before that it was his teacher. "Brenda's my friend, she was close with my sister - "
"You told me to be honest with you," Michael said. "I want you to be honest with me. If you want me to go back to Mom's so you can spend time alone with Brenda, I understand. I mean, Dad - come on, she's pretty, right? And you guys were married before."
"Yeah, she's pretty and yes we were married before, but we're just friends," Jason said. "Come on, go upstairs and change."
"Why? Am I going back to mom's?" Michael asked.
"No," Jason said. "We are going to go for a ride - I remember the first time I took Emily for a ride on my bike, she was so excited. So, we're going to go for a ride and stop at Kelly's and have some chocolate cake - that was her favorite. Then we'll meet Brenda for dinner, both of us. Then we're going to come back here, all three of us - you're going to look over your report and Brenda's going to stay for a little while then go back to the Metro Court."
"Okay," Michael said and ran upstairs.
Jason walked over the mantle, picked up a photograph of Emily. He traced his finger over her face and blinked back tears.
"I'm so glad I had you in my life. I always wanted a big brother. And I won the lottery with you."
"I feel the same way."
"Thank you, Jase, for always telling me the truth whether I wanted to hear it or not. Thank you for - thank you for loving me so - so completely."
"I always will. You're a part of me now, forever. I'm so much better for it."
"Jason, I don't want to close my eyes. I might not ever wake up. It's okay, Jase. I'm not afraid anymore. I'm just not -- not quite ready."
"Well, you know, people don't end when they die. I mean, no one as good and as brave and full of love could - could end, Emily. And I'm not sure what heaven is, but I know it's better. And I know it's there. You know, the confusion's going to go away and you're going to finally understand why things happened, you know, what you got from being here and what you gave to all of us."
"Dad - hey, are you ready?" Michael asked.
Jason set down Emily's picture and nodded, "Yeah," Jason said. "Let's go."
THE END