This is just a strange and random one-shot I came up with. It is very OOC! It probably doesn't make sense, but that isn't really important. I do not own the Artemis Fowl plot or characters. One final warning: this is majorly out of character.
Artemis Fowl shut his laptop, leaving it on the kitchen table. He had hatched another great plan, but there was something missing. He would need some of Butler's contacts. The bodyguard had not shown himself all day. Artemis made his way to the stairs, pushing past Myles and Beckette to get up. Halfway up he vowed to get an elevator; these stairs were murder.
He found Butler's bedroom and knocked on the door. He knocked again. Nobody answered, so he nudged open the door. Butler was spread across the bed, his mouth open and snoring. Artemis approached cautiously, like he would a sleeping bear. Not that he would ever be as stupid as to approach a bear, sleeping or otherwise. He prodded Butler, gently the first time, but then harder. He kept prodding his arm, getting no response. "Butler" he said. "Butler, get up. Get up, now! Butler!"
He tapped Butler's face, still trying to wake him. "Butler, wake up! It's half twelve in the afternoon, how can you still be asleep? Get up!" Out of frustration, he slapped Butler across the face. He didn't respond. Artemis stepped back, resting his hand on the bedside cabinet. It brushed against a piece of paper. Artemis picked it up, glancing at the number written on it. "Who in heaven's name is Rachel?" he murmured, putting the note back down and prodding Butler one last time.
He pulled the blanket off him, getting nothing but a twitch and the sight of the bodyguard's underwear for his troubles. "Butler, would you get up!" he snapped. Turning clumsily on the balls of his feet, he grabbed the mop bucket from outside the door- it wasn't worth wondering why it was there- and headed for the bathroom. He filled the bucket with water and dragged it back to Butler's room. Artemis really did need to start working out.
He managed to lift the bucket onto his knee, resting his foot on the bed. "So help me God, Butler, if you don't get out of bed…" Artemis tipped the water onto the man, expecting an explosive reaction. Instead, Butler turned in his sleep, now facing away from Artemis. "OH, come on! Is it really that much to ask that you be at least conscious at midday? I've not even had my lunch yet. Get up and feed me!"
Artemis threw the bucket down on the bed, groaning when it bounced and hit Butler on the head. Still not waking him. Desperately, he pushed his foot against Butler's ribs, forcing him off the bed. He hit the floor with a thump, continuing to sleep. Artemis kicked the bed in a tantrum, lifting his foot up when he hurt it. "Stupid Butler" he snarled, hopping out of the room.
In his anger, he slammed the bedroom door. "Huh? What on earth? Why am I on the floor? My bed's wet!"
"Leave it Artemis, just leave it." He sighed, leaning on the banister. Myles and Beckette were half way up the stairs, talking between themselves. "Artemis simple-toon" laughed Beckette. Artemis groaned and slipped into the bathroom, locking the door behind him. Within a few minutes, Butler was banging on the door, shouting "How long does it take to use the bathroom?"