Note: I found this a few weeks back scribbled on loose leaf paper. I have no clue when I wrote it, and it's a little different from my normal stuff but hey give it a try.
There was a silence that sunk into our hearts then, when we heard him utter those words. It was as if we knew that out little dance in Fantasia was over. The three years were spent in each other company, was a dream, now coming to an end. We all saw the warning signs. Benny talking uncharacteristically about one girl. And even more shocking than that planning a future (that didn't end next Tuesday) with her. The writing was on the wall. But none of us never wanted to leave Neverland. Now we would be forced to grow up.
"Well…what do you guys think?" Benny asked apparently not understanding that that silence was an awkward one. I looked around at my roommates for their reactions. Roger looked confused by the term marriage. My best friend had been with his current girlfriend, April for longer than Benny was with his, but the thought of walking down the aisle never occurred to him. Added to his confusion was a light glare. Maybe he felt betrayed, like I was feeling. Or maybe it was just his permanent Benny glare. They were the two hot heads in the loft. Nine times out of ten, if a fight was happening those two were the main players. Maybe this was simply Roger's way of circling Benny just in case he got anymore silly ideas.
Maureen, my current girlfriend, simply looked disgusted. As if marriage was a more irksome institution than death itself. This look gave me a feeling of dread for our future (mine would involve fifteen fat children and hers would involve shaker meetings). She took hold of my hand. One could say a lot about Maureen. That she cheated on me often and felt no real remorse. But, she also knew me better than anyone in the room. Even Roger didn't know me quite like Maureen did. She knew I was hurt. And she knew exactly why.
My eyes moved to Collins who was the first to act. He shut away the shock on his face and moved to embrace Benny with every fiber of his being. "Congratulations, man," He uttered holding his friend close.
Benny patted his back and smiled deeply, "Thank you Collins. I know its gonna be weird…and I know I'm breaking up the gang…"
"Does that make Allison our Yoko Ono?" Maureen asked brazenly. I squeezed her hand a bit too hard to tell her to cut it out.
Benny let go and glanced over at Maureen, "Just because I'm leaving the loft and marrying Allison doesn't mean we can't be friends," He pointed out. I sighed. Those one out of ten times when Roger and Benny weren't fighting, Benny and Maureen were.
"Does that make me Ringo?" Roger asked ignoring Benny's comment completely.
Maureen shook her head, "It's not just anyone that you're marrying Benny…it's Allison Grey. Grey. Shit, her father owns half of the state!" She said throwing her hands in the air. At this point, Collins slowly made his way to our kitchen area and poured himself a large drink.
Benny put his hands in his hips and shook his head, "So it's because she's rich…that's why you don't approve?"
"Correction," Roger interjected with a finger in the air, "Her father is rich. If she pulled herself up by her own bootstraps than it would be better."
Benny let out a bitter laugh. "Excuse me, you hate her because she was born into money," Maureen and Roger exchanged glances and nodded, "Great…good to have the blessing of one of my friends." Collins raised his glass of alcohol and downed it quickly. "How do you feel about this Mark?"
My face turned red as if I was back in grade school and was asked to share what I did on my lackluster summer vacation. My girlfriend and best friend watched me intently as I muttered, "Um…if it's what you want."
Collins snorted, "Your enthusiasm came right through Cohen." He downed another shot. Apparently, starting the drunken outrage/shock/depression party before the rest of us.
My blush deepened, "Well…I just mean…she's…not my favorite person in the world…" I could sense Benny's ebbing anger so I called out, "But she's not the worst."
Benny rubbed his head, "Thanks Mark. Really…I thought you guys would be supportive-"
"We are supportive," Maureen jumped in while rising from her chair. "We are supportive of your smart and healthy ideas. Not something that is going to destroy you!"
Benny was taken aback. He pressed his hand on his chest, "My…destroy me? Maureen, I'm marrying Allison because I love her. Because I want to be happy. Something that all of you could try for a change. Instead of wallowing in your problems."
"Our problems?" Roger yelled jumping to his feet, "Who is the one who is marrying his way out of debt? You say that you love her, but admit it, you get all excited when you realized she could pay you off in a heart beat."
Benny nodded slowly not denying Roger's point, "And this coming from a herione addict," We all paused again. It was something else we'd all known had come to pass but never allowed ourselves to believe it. "Come off it…all of you. Yeah, I want my debts paid and I found a girl I fell for along the way. Sue me. I'm going to be happy. I'm going to know who I am…" He said distinctively to Maureen, a comment which, at the time made no sense. Only in retrospect did I understand. When I learned that Benny once walked in on Maureen with another woman. He moved his eyes to me, "Mark…all of you guys, if you don't leave this place…it's gonna kill you. I know it will. All of us are so fucked right now. Roger with his drugs…Mark with his camera and nothing else. Shit guys we need to help ourselves to survive this place. I'm sorry but I wanna live beyond Alphabet City." We all knew a part of him was right.
"But," I piped up, "Why her?" Collins looked up from his booze to see and hear the answer.
"I love her…aren't you bohemians? You're supposed to love love!" Benny said with exasperation in his words.
Collins chilled me when he whispered, "Only those who deserve it." Everyone had their darkness in Neverland. Benny's debts, my withdrawal from life, Roger's heroine, Maureen's "experiments." And Collins his affliction was more painful, literally. Collins had finally thought he found someone he could love and then the man called him with the news. He told him that he cheated on him with someone who was positive. Collins now had HIV because someone he was supposed to love betrayed him. Now he sat in a limbo, believing that love could only bring him harm yet still praying for it to find him. If anyone really deserved love, it was Collins.
Benny paused and looked between Collins and I. "This isn't about when you guys meet her…is it?"
I winched and Maureen spoke for me, "Of course it is. The greeting of 'Oh you must be the Jew' just couldn't affect him." Roger sat up in his seat. I never told him about the incident. It would have given him a real good reason to start a fight.
"It was a joke! A lame joke. I admit but she was trying to be funny. She was so nervous cause I told her that you guys don't like rich people."
"We don't like bigoted rich people," Maureen yelled.
Collins opened our booze cabinet and sighed. "I'm gonna need a few more," He said pulling down every alcohol beverage he could find.
Benny closed his eyes and shook his head, "I…" He started to say quietly, "I talked to her…about the other thing that she said. And she is going to apologize."
"Whoa wait…what else happened?" Roger asked more frustration on his face.
"She said something that was…inappropriate," Benny explained calmly. He looked me straight in the eye when he continued, "But we've talked and she's going to apologize."
The I felt the heat in my blood finally reach my head, "Why are you looking at me when you say that?" I snapped, "I could have forgive her for the Jew comment but…"
"Ok what the hell did she say?" Roger asked, "I'm sick of dancing around it." Benny and I stayed quiet and stared at the ground. Even Maureen was silent.
Collins cleared his throat, "It was no big deal. Fuck, I told you all I'm used to it. It's not the first time someone has called me a 'fag,' nor will it be the last. And Benny…do me a favor. Skip the apology, cause I know she'd only do it to make you happy. So all of you…drop it. We are all have the oppertuity to marry someone and Benny made his choice." Collins glanced at Roger challenging him to say a word. The two of them had a connection that I couldn't even interfere with. Roger glanced at Benny who was hanging his head in shame. Collins and him had been friends the longest of all of us. And the added bonus that Roger didn't know was that at the time, Benny didn't say a damn thing. He just let his girlfriend grill his friend with inappropriate questions about his "unhealthy" lifestyle. Sometimes, I think that was what bothered me the most.
"Fine…" Benny met eyes with Roger but looked away. "I'll send you all invitations-"
"Don't bother," Maureen said moving to Collins and rubbing his back as he downed more booze.
For a moment, I felt horrible for Benny. He looked abandoned. Well, should have thought twice before you abandoned us, I said to myself.
He cleared his throat, "Anyone wanna come to my wedding?"
Roger stormed off and leapt out onto the fire escape. I shook my head, I couldn't just couldn't.
"Col-" His voice brok, "Collins you'll come right?"
Collins glanced over his shoulder, "I'll be there…but I won't stand beside you. I'm sorry, I'll support you but not her," He looked down in his glass and refused to look back up.
Benny looked to me and Maureen, "So…I um…guess this is goodbye then."
The sinking feeling in my gut dropped to the floor. He was right. This type of decision, we could never look at him in the same way again. We'd never just hang out over a few drinks. Benny wasn't our friend anymore.
"Guess so," Maureen said with a coldness in her voice.
Benny nodded looking like a defeated soldier, "At least let me leave a number where you guys can get me." I watched him scribble down a number on a piece of scrap paper, an urgency in his writing. "It's out apartment number. So feel free to call…anytime." He turned to look at Collins but he was still staring into his drink.
In a moment, he was gone. From the loft and our life. All except that number. It only took a few minutes for Maureen to stand up and shred the paper.
It was over.