"Sir," Harry said as Dumbledore looked up from his writing.
"Why hello, Harry," Dumbledore replied. "What brings you to my office?"
"Well it's just that-" Harry looked into Dumbledore's twinkling eyes. Then he took a deep breath. "I'm tired of owls," Harry finished.
"Ah, I understand completely, Harry," Dumbledore said.
"You do?" Harry raised an eyebrow.
"You wish to be surrounded by a family," he said.
"Well, yes, sir," Harry said. "How did you know?" Dumbledore just smiled.
"I think you'll find that they're closer than you know."
"What are you-"
"Might I suggest a family reunion," Dumbledore interrupted.
"Oh yeah, wouldn't that be great." Harry rolled his eyes. "A fun afternoon at the park with the Dursleys. Just what I need."
"Harry," said Dumbledore, "did I ever tell you that I'm your great great grandfather?" Harry was shocked.
"No, sir, you didn't." Dumbledore smiled again.
"Do you have your wand?" he asked
"Of course," Harry said, pulling it out. Dumbledore shook his head.
"Harry, Harry, Harry, didn't anyone ever tell you not to keep your wand in your back pocket?" Harry said nothing. He chose not to tell Dumbledore about the time a few years back when his right buttocks exploded. "Send up rainbow sparks," Dumbledore advised. "If you send them, they will come."
"And that's it then?" asked Harry.
"As long as you provide the food," Dumbledore added. "Now, off you go. I shall see you soon." Harry left, not sure Dumbledore really knew what he was talking about. Harry had, after all, always considered him to be a bit mad.
Harry took no time in locating a nice spot for a picnic not far from his flat. He reached a dilemma, however, when it came to conjuring up some food.
How much will I need? Harry wondered, for there surely couldn't be that many people. I think a few pumpkin pasties should do it, he thought, and maybe a mug or two of butterbeer. After that he held his wand high in the air, and, closing his eyes, sent up rainbow sparks, just as Dumbledore had said. He opened his eyes just in time to see the sparks fly out as far as he could see in all directions and then fall slowly to the ground.
In no time at all, people began to arrive. Person after person after person until just about everyone Harry knew was standing around him.
"Oh no," said Harry, 'this isn't going to be one of those things where I find out I have no really family, but tons of friends who love and care about me, is it?" Everyone laughed.
"Harry," said a voice from behind the group, "do you really think I 'love and care about you?" The owner of the voice stepped out in front.
"Voldemort," Harry said, "I'm related to-you?"
"Why of course, Harry," said Voldemort, "I'm your grandfather." Harry stared at him in disbelief. Voldemort turned towards Dumbledore. "Shall I begin the story then?" he asked. Dumbledore nodded. "Alright then," he said, clearing his throat. "It all began long ago with a man named Harold. He and a woman by the name of Marie lived in the village of Montmarte, on a hill near Paris. Both worked at a well know nightclub called the Moulin Rouge. It was a muggle spot of gathering, or so it seemed. Harold was the owner, and Marie, well, she just worked there. The two gave birth to someone by the name of Satine. A courtesan, she sold her love to men. They called her "The Sparkling Diamond" and she was the star of the Moulin Rouge. She was in love with a man named Christian, but we'll get to that later. Some time before, she met Tom Riddle. I believe you've heard of him." Harry nodded. "Well my father, Tom, he was greatly infatuated with Satine. He was a musician and was always trying to woo he with his bohemian ways. He even adopted the nickname "Satie," which he thought to be the masculine form of "Satine."
"So-he changed his name to match Satine's?" Harry asked.
"Yes," said Voldemort, "he was a weird one, my father. So anway, he eventually offered Satine a fairly large sum of money if she would sleep with him. She couldn't very well turn it down so she accepted. She then discovered that Satie was incredibly good in bed. So to his delight, Satine asked if they could do it again. So they slept together a couple of times and Satine got pregnant. They hadn't been using protection. They had a son who was also called Tom. Tom Marvolo Riddle."
"You," Harry said.
'Yes," said Voldemort quietly, "it was me." He turned again towards Dumbledore. "Albus," he said, "would you care to take over? This is a soft topic for me."
"Certainly, Tom," Dumbledore nodded. "While Tom was at Hogwarts," Dumbledore said to Harry, "he met a girl a few years younger than him. Her name was Myrtle. Tom and Myrtle soon became very good friends. So good, in fact, that in the middle of Myrtle's third year at Hogwarts, she and Tom had two babies. Twins. Now Tom here wasn't quite ready to take on the responsibilities of being a father, especially at such a young age. So he denied being the father. Myrtle certainly did not want to raise them on her own so she wouldn't let Tom go. Tom got extremely mad and told everyone at Hogwarts that Myrtle was muggle born, even though she was really a pureblood. This was also the year that Tom opened the Chamber of Secrets, but Myrtle didn't know about that. That is, until the basilisk killed Myrtle. You see, Tom always has been a violent creature. He couldn't stand Myrtle any longer so unleashed the basilisk and had Myrtle killed. I do wonder from time to time whether Tom ever regrets his decision." He looked uncertainly at Voldemort, who altogether avoided Dumbledore's gaze. "Now," Dumbledore continued, "I expect you're wondering who the twins were." Harry nodded. "They were-" he looked at Sirius Black who had, until now remained silent. "Would you like to tell him?"
"They were your father and I," Sirius said. Harry gasped.
"You were-"
"Yes, Harry. We were brothers."
"And you're my-" Harry said to Voldemort. "And Moaning Myrtle-she's-"
"It's Myrtle, said a familiar voice. Just Myrtle." Harry spun around.
"Oh-I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't realize you were-here."
'Yeah, go ahead, talk about me when you think I'm not listening. It wouldn't be the first time." She glared at Hermione.
"I'm sorry, Myrtle," Hermione said. "Shall we get on with the story?"
"I'll give it a go," said Lupin. "James and Sirius may have been Voldemort's first two children. But they weren't his last. A while after leaving Hogwarts, he met an older woman named Nini. She fascinated him with stories of when she was younger and how she had been a can-can dancer at the Moulin Rouge. It wasn't long before Voldemort fell head-over-heels in love with her. When he expressed this, Nini confessed that she did not share in this love, but agreed to sleep with him to make up for it. Voldemort agreed reluctantly. He may not always do the right thing but he's a strong believer that two people should only have sex if they really love each other. he told this to Nini and she said she did things like this all the time and she didn't mind one bit. That didn't exactly make Voldemort feel better but they slept together anyway. That was when Nini discovered the Voldemort was an absolute animal in bed. She begged him to sleep with her again. Voldemort, thinking it was because she had decided she loved him, agreed, this time wholeheartedly. It wasn't long before they were having sex as much as possible. That is, until Nini discovered she was pregnant." Harry wondered how exactly Lupin knew all this. He always noted that this story seemed remotely similar to the story of Voldemort and Myrtle, and wondered exactly how many people Voldemort had slept with.
After taking a breath, Lupin continued. "Voldemort was considerably more enthusiastic about this pregnancy. He was ready to get on with his life and besides, he was convinced that he was so in love with Nini and she loved him the same. So he planned to help Nini raise the baby. This time it was a girl. They named her Petunia."
"Petunia?" Harry said. "That's…interesting."
"Indeed," said Lupin, "But they didn't stop there. It was barely a year after Petunia had been born that Nini had another baby. Or rather, two babies. Another set of twins."
"More twins!" Harry exclaimed. "Boy, Voldemort. When you do it, you really do it." Voldemort was not amused. Lupin, however, let out a laugh.
"He certainly does," Lupin said. "Anyway, these twins were named Lily and Lu-"
"Lily!" Harry interrupted. "No! It can't be! That would mean that my mum and dad are half-siblings."
"Right you are, Harry," chimed in Lockhart. "Our parents are closely related."
"Our?" Harry raised an eyebrow.
"Yes, Harry. You see, you aren't the only child of Lily and James Potter. They had a first. The first was me. Unfortunately I proved a disappointment to them so was put up for adoption. That's not the only reason, of course, but I'll touch on that later. You were saying, Lupin?"
"Ah, right, I was the other twin."
"You?" said Harry in surprise.
"You always were a talkative lad, Harry," said Voldemort. "Can't you keep your remarks to yourself for two minutes?"
"Sorry," Harry muttered.
"It all went downhill from here," Lupin continued darkly. "Things turned bad. Very bad. Volde-er-Dad? Would you do the honors of continuing? The next part's a little fuzzy." Harry stared in bewilderment. Never had he heard Lupin, let alone anyone, refer to Voldemort as "Dad".
"Very well," Voldemort sighed. "Nini essentially did not want three children. Her behavior was similar to mine upon receiving my first child. Older she may have been, but she was all about living on the edge. She wanted nothing tying her down. And that included me.
'It's been fun,' she said, 'but I can't do this anymore. Goodbye, Tom.' And then I never saw, nor heard from her again. That was when I decided that I'd had enough with relationships. Enough with love.""
"It's your own fault," someone said. "It's like I always said. Never fall in love with a woman who sells herself. It always ends BAD." Everyone looked around to see who had said that. They discovered that it had come from a man sitting by Hermione. Harry had only seen this man once, and it had been very briefly. It was Hermione's father.
"Right," said Voldemort, "well, it was then that I decided I would never have anything to do with love ever again."
"But a life without love, that's terrible!" Harry practically shouted, and to his surprise, Dumbledore chuckled.
"Oh, Harry," he said, "so like your great grandfather, you are.
"Uh, okay," Harry said.
"Well," said Dumbledore, "this seems like the perfect time for a break. What do you say we stop the stories for a short while and I'll get us some real food," he looked at Harry. There was a murmur of yeses, so Dumbledore waved his wand and a huge spread of delicious looking food appeared before them. Harry heard his stomach growl, signaling that it was, indeed, time for a break.