Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
Somehow, I was peaceful as I stood on the top of the cliff, pondering the meaning of life as I drifted ever close to its termination with each passing second. I did not fear the death that I had chosen. I did not feel anything anymore. I was past feeling at all. Nothing could save me now. Nothing bound me to life. Death was not a scary prospect for me; I had nothing to fear anymore when my life was so devoid of meaning, of purpose. I was empty of emotion, from head to toe, completely lifeless. Just the prison of my body was binding me to earth -and life- now. And soon, I would be free of my body, too.
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I doubted I'd have an afterlife. There was nothing to carry forth into heaven. My chest was empty of my beating heart; my soul, too bruised and beaten and shattered to withstand anything else; my mind too tired and full of hurt to ever survive my death. Nothing would survive me. I would leave nothing behind on this earth as evidence of my short stay. Nobody would mourn my death. Not a soul would grieve for the agony and the pain that had pushed me over the edge. Absolutely nothing would ever mark the beginning, the passage, or the ending of my painfully short existence.
I hear you laughing in the rain
I still can't believe you're gone
Only the irrational pounding of my heart proved that -somehow- I was still alive. My mind reeled away from this; living shouldn't hurt this much. Living shouldn't make me want to rip apart my heart and tear my self into shreds to escape the monumental agony that throbbed within my empty body. But living did hurt. Every breath I dragged through my lips stabbed deep in my chest with shards of ice that twisted and tore apart my heart; it hurt so much to keep living when the rest of me -my soul, my life, my everything- had already died. I was nothing more than a zombie now, stuck in a hideous limbo between life and death, without the benefits of either state.
It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
I had buried my last reason for living yesterday, along with my heart, six feet deep in a tiny coffin. My son. The only thing that tethered me to life, and hope. But he was dead; his tiny heart would never beat again. His life was ended so prematurely. He had deserved a life, everything I had never had, everything I could give him. . . But I would never hold him again. I would never see his toothless, angelic smile. . . And I had no one to blame but Charles. My body still bore the black and blue testaments to his rage when he'd seen my swollen belly.
The death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
An anguished sob wretched past my lips at the fleeting memory of the happiness I'd felt when I saw my son's face, and the agony when I felt his tiny heart lapse into silent. Dull knife torn at me with the unspoken torment that was slowly crushing the life from me. I did not know why there was a pain in my chest, where my heart should be. It had already been torn out and trampled on and buried beneath the earth a thousand times over, laid to rest with the my tattered and beaten soul. There was nothing in my deep, empty chest to feel pain with. But still it ached, despite the logic that told me it shouldn't. Just to keep living hurt.
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing no one could take your place
I clung at the last remained shreds of peacefulness as I tried to regain composure of myself. The numbness that had come after I decided to end my life was slipping, the tears washing the façade away. I grappled with my emotions, wanting back the numbness that kept reality away.
Some days the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
I closed my eyes, and took a step forward, where there was no step to take.
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know I'll see you again someday
The thick blackness of death swallowed me. I felt nothing more.
Someday, someday. . .