The Way I Loved You
It's hard to explain this feeling. The feeling of moving on… The process is always chaotic and messy and blurry. You never know if what you're doing is right or wrong. You just try to forget everything you once knew as the back of your hand and you hope…
You hope one day you'll be the same again, but life just goes on…
It doesn't freeze or slows down as you try to get yourself together. Days just disappear into tomorrow, time ticks by, and sooner or later, you find yourself forgetting everything. You forget those simple gestures. You forget their voice. You forgot the way how you would count the colors in their eyes. And for the first time you feel fine accepting the fact that someone you know became someone knew. You really don't mind because those memories that once revolved around them get replaced with new faces and smiles. And soon you're counting the colors of someone else's eyes.
But in the back of your mind, they are still there… smiling with those big, beautiful brown eyes you used to count the colors of. Because the truth is… you never forget them. You just learn how to live without them. And when something triggers a memory of your past with them, it's hard to remember the reason why you said goodbye when you can only remember the things that made you want to stay.
And most times you don't feel regret or anger. You really don't feel anything besides the feeling of wanting to see them again to just say hello for at least one last time. You just want to say thank you to them even if it leads to nothing. Because, at least for that moment that they were with you, they made you smile; they made laugh. They made you feel special.
Austin,
He can't believe it. It's bold in black ink. The loops and turns of each cursive letter bring enchantment to the word. And it demonstrates the hesitation and thoughts behind the word as there are slight glimpses of messiness to it.
The ripped envelope is sitting on the coffee table; the letter is in his hands. He's seeing the letter with his own eyes. He is reading his name in her penmanship… And he can't get this wrapped around his head.
There's not an address on the envelope. Not even a name was written to let him know who it's from. But he doesn't need this information to know who it's from. He hasn't read further than his name but he's already certain that it's from her. After writing too many songs together, he could recognize her handwriting anywhere.
But at this moment, it's not her penmanship that he can't recognize. He knew who the letter was from when he saw his address written on the envelope in the same handwriting as the letter. It's the fact that after years of not seeing her, of disappearing and acting as if they never meet, he's seeing her neat freak handwriting, not in her songbook, but in a letter… that's written for him.
And for this instant, he can't breathe. He's having trouble with his balance as he takes a minute to just think. And as he goes through their history, the only thing he can notice is how they haven't spoken. He can only wonder where the promise of keeping in touch went. Because the last time he checked, he last spoke to her three years ago. Right before she got her own record label. Right after they decided to call it quits on their attempt at a relationship.
He feels nothing but emptiness, a feeling he had long forgotten about until now. His eyes are a little bit bigger than normal. Everything seems to be out of order as he continues analyzing the penmanship of his name. He's not sure if he should be happy or scared. To be honest he keeps wondering why she wrote him letter. What would she have to tell him after all this time? Why not just call or tell him in person?
Running his fingers through his hair, he reads his name for the last time before taking a deep breath to continue to read the rest.
There never really is a right time to say this. And I'm not quite sure how to word the things I want to tell you. So to put it simple I decided to write to you in the way we never had trouble communicating with. I wrote you a song.
It's hot and stuffy; she can feel small beads of sweat clinging onto her skin as the slowly drip off. She should be used to it by now. She has been doing this for a while now. But each time she steps on stage and performs, she gets the same butterflies she got the first time. The thrill of it never seems to die. And she can't help but pinch herself to make sure she's not dreaming.
She has a big, stargazed look in her eyes that matches her child like smile. She's completely free as she hears the cheers and roars of her fans. Right now everything is right. Everything is perfect. She feels like anything is possible as she says, "I'm just curious, but have you guys ever had that moment when something as simple as song comes on and it reminds you of someone? Someone that you haven't talked in ages; someone who is part of your past… someone whom you were certain that time had erased from your life?"
As she speaks she can't help but think about the song she's about to sing. She still remembers how she wrote it. She simply thought of him. She thought of those wonderful, awestruck moments that he gave her. And although the songs about the love they used to share, it has a happy tune… almost as if it's telling their story.
She can't help but wonder if he's gotten the letter, or better yet, read it. She's unsure of the reasons why she even sent the letter but when she finished song… it only felt right if he knew that it was about him.
"But as this simple thing triggers a set of memories you realize that they are branded into the back of your mind. It reminds you of the reasons why you cared about that person so much… and all of a sudden you are trying to figure out why everything between you two came to an end."
She looks across the stadium as her playfully smile tugs at the corner of her lips. Her eyes hold a secret; almost as if they are whispering the name of the person she's talking about to the crowd. The entire time she's just guessing that by now he most likely has the letter in his hands.
She laughing lightly for a quick second; feeling stupid for sending him the letter but glad she did at the same time. Then she finishes her introduction to the song with, "Though it's not always easy to see where you went wrong, when the memory goes away it leaves you wanting to say hi to the person for at least one last time and smiling. It leaves you remembering how much you loved them," and then she sings.
you were beautiful;
Indescribable.
always leaving me breathless.
you were magical;
indestructible.
always a little bit out of reach.
and most days go by,
and i don't sTay up at night,
thinking about anything
we went through.
Her fans scream out loud as others attempt to sing along. It's the first time she sings it in public since she wrote it. The only other person that would know about it is him. He'll be the only one to know who the song really is about.
She let him go a long time ago. She's been fine with letting him go for the sake of his happiness and hers. But that night when she wrote the song, she felt different. It was a simple line from her favorite TV show to remind her of him. And for the first time, she didn't feel sad about the way their relationship turned out to be. She didn't feel angry at him for letting her go so easily. She just felt happy. She started smiling and laughing hysterically as she went through the memories that she thought she had forgotten. And when she started to write the song, the words just came so easily. The happy rhythm on the guitar just felt so right because even though the fact that she doesn't know him as she once did, the memories he gave her still made her smile.
And she knows the magazines and gossip channels will try to guess who it's about. People might put other boy's name, but at the end, this song will be a secret for Austin and her. It'll be like one of those secrets that they used to share on the rooftop of Sonic Boom when they were young.
that it's tImes like these that i'm Losing my mind
and i just can't tell if we were wrong or right.
cause our story might be done and old
yet it's you that i can't let go.
the sound of your voice is stuck in my head.
there's nothing about you i can forget.
and i wonder if you'll ever know
about the way i Loved you
He's awestruck as he reads the song. Memories of them two come rushing back to him. The sweet, slow kisses, the sneaking out at night, the long slow dances… they all come in a flash and blur.
All of a sudden he can remember as clear as day how she would say his name. He can tell you all the different gestures she would do depending on her emotions. He can't control his heart from beating too fast. He doesn't realize the natural lopsided smile that forms on his face.
All he can think about is how long she has been keeping this song to herself. And he wonders if this song will be on her next album… because the fact that she wrote a song about him makes those same old feelings come back. The feelings he buried when they both called it quits.
wonder sTruck with
everytHing we used to be.
i wonder If you ever thiNK about me.
heart's still beating
for the words you'd say to me.
reminiscing our history.
and sweet Time erAsed
all of our memories,
But sOme nights i stay Up and Think
He never really can figure out why they never gave each other a second try. They always said they would, but things were always happening. She was always too busy. He was always gone. She had a boyfriend, he was single. She would be free, and he would be taken. And now she's on tour, and he's stuck in L.A. trying to make new material for his next album.
As he continues reading, imagining her voice singing the song to him, he realizes that he never forgot Ally. He was always thinking about her as simple things remind him of her. Like the way how she hates the beach. How she always gets fruity minty swirly ice cream or how she would crinkle her nose when she was unsure of something. When he writes a new song on the piano, he never fails to miss how there always seems to be too much space on the bench. His mind always seems to be focus on his career but his heart never fails to think of her.
that it's times like these that i'm losing my mind
and i just can't tell if we were wrong or right.
cause our story might be done and old
yet it's you that i can't let go.
the sound of your voice is stuck in my head.
there's nothing about you i can forget.
and i wonder if you'll ever know
about the way i loved you
As he reads the second chorus, he finds it slightly hard to breathe. Things don't seem clear anymore. It's almost as if he's learning to let go of her again. As if reading this letter only made him remember that he never wanted her to leave, he just had to act like she never was part of his life for his sake.
He thinks of every innocent promise, every sweet gaze. He wishes he could go back and rewind to their story; when things between them were good and right. Suddenly there's only one place he wishes he could be… at New York at Madison Garden, where she's preforming tonight.
your name still lingers on my lips.
i miss the waY we used to kiss.
i don't know where we went wrong,
but I can tell yoU in this song
that…
She feels slightly frustrated at this part of the song. It always leaves her feeling confused and vulnerable. It makes things beautiful chaotic as she struggles with her being fine with Austin leaving and wanting him to stay with her. It shows every emotion she felt when she was with him. It shows everything she wishes they could still be.
As she moves from side to side on stage, her voice betrays her. It cracks and goes soft. It shows, for everyone to hear, how much she actually misses him. She slightly loses her voice on the last note as it comes out raspy, and if it wasn't for a close up that the camera crew did on her, then nobody would have noticed that single tear that slipped by accident towards the end of the verse.
The music keeps playing, and her band keep repeating the notes as they wait for her to glue herself together. Taking a deep breath, she waits a few seconds before she softly begins singing the ending of the song; the song that shows everything she's felt whenever he randomly comes back into her mind.
it's timeS like these that I lOse my Mind
thought you'd still bE here by my side.
cause to you our sTory might be done and old
but i can't seem to let it go.
the promIse you made is stuck in my head
there's nothing about you i can forget.
and Maybe you might nevEr know
but baby i Still love you.
As he finishes the last sentence of the verse, he can't speak. His heart stops beating altogether. His breath is hitched in his throat and the only thing he can think of is that she still loves him. After all this time, she still thinks about him. He still matters. The song, the letter, is her way of telling him that she's still cursing his name for letting things end the way they did.
And for some reason this seems so surreal yet natural. He has to read her letter for minutes to make sure he hasn't misread her fine print. Then out of nowhere he feels frustrated. He's mad. He's angry that he let the best thing of his life slip away in front of his eyes. He just let her go.
He doesn't think twice as he folds the papers as small as he possible can, and stuffs it into his pocket. He grabs as much as he can and throws it into his suite case. He's running barefoot to his car as he holds his keys in one hand and suite case and shoes in the other. He doesn't check to see how the things are organized in the back of his car. He just turns on the engines and soon is calling the airlines for a ticket to New York.