Straight guy worries he's being homophobic to his gay roommate, realizes he's fallen in love with him
Plot twist: it turns out I don't have a problem with Phil kissing guys if it's me he's kissing
An Article Written By: Dan Howell
I swear that I didn't have any intentions of falling in love with Phil Lester. Honest to god, I didn't plan it at all. I thought I was going to fall in love with a girl that I just hadn't met yet.
Well. I kind of failed at that.
Look, it's not what you think. Phil and I, we're roommates. He had the courtesy of telling me that he was gay when we first met, just to see if I was okay with that. Which, of course, I was totally okay with it. I didn't care that he liked guys. Whatever made him happy was fine by me.
I thought it was fine until I actually saw him going on dates with guys. I'd bump into him at the at the cinemas, or at the café. That was when I started getting a little homophobic. So I thought.
I became a little hostile, I'm not going to lie. I'd yell at him when he came home late from being out with some new boy. Of course, I never yelled very long. Phil was just too adorable to yell at. So, in typical Dan Howell fashion, I would turn around and fall face first on my mattress and just lay there.
I was almost one hundred percent sure that he was going to move out. It got to the point where I was getting upset if Phil even mentioned one of his dates. Allow me to take you back to the night when it all changed.
It was a normal Friday night. I had a nice cup of tea and I was watching Netflix. Phil came out of his room looking very put together and very handsome like always. Naturally I asked what he was dressed up for.
"I have a date. We're going to the aquarium."
"You have a date?"
"Well, yeah. What did you expect? You should know by now that I don't dress this nicely around the house and that its usually for a date. Are you okay Dan? You don't usually ask about that."
I couldn't answer. I opened my mouth and words came out. I started to get a little angry.
Phil pointed to the door, clearly feeling awkward. "I'm gonna go... He's probably waiting for me by now..."
As he turned to leave, I stood up and walked towards him. "Wait a second, you're going to the aquarium with him? What the fuck?"
I was going to take Phil to the new aquarium for his birthday that was coming from but now I couldn't. The novelty would be lost because of his goddamn boyfriend. That was supposed to be me taking him there. Phil loves fish and I wanted to surprise him. He hadn't shut up about the bloody place since he found out it was opening.
"Dan? What are you going on about?"
I narrowed my eyes and balled my fists slightly. "Nothing! Just go. Go on your stupid fucking date and don't talk to me about him. I don't want to know about your boyfriend."
"Dan-"
"Get out! Go on your stupid date and leave me alone."
He averted his gaze and sighed. "We won't be getting back until late."
"Whatever. Just go. And don't even think about waking me up to talk about your date. I don't want to know. I hate hearing about your dates because I honestly don't care."
Phil looked shocked and behind that, he almost looked hurt. It wouldn't be until after he left that I would realize how I probably sounded to him.
Without a word, he turned on his heel and went to the door. He went to open the door, and with his hand still on the doorknob, he turned to look at me. "He's not my boyfriend."
In one fluid motion, Phil opened the door, stepped out, and slammed it shut behind him.
It was my turn to be shocked. For some reason, he sounded offended that I had had the audacity to call the guy taking him to the aquarium his boyfriend. It didn't make any sense.
Guilt soaked through my confusion and I swore loudly.
"God fucking damnit, Dan! That was so stupid! Now Phil is going to hate you and move out and leave you behind and you'll be alone again."
I stormed into my room, grabbed my phone and sat on my bed. I began to wonder- why was I acting like this? Why was I getting so upset? Why did I even care if Phil moved out?
I had no reason to get upset, it's not like we were dating, so why did it seem that I was being possessive? Ugh.
I turned on my music and just laid in my bed for an hour or so. I had nothing else to do and the house was uncomfortably quiet. The music didn't help much either.
My phone buzzed unexpectedly and I sat up a little to look at it. "Who could possibly be texting- oh. It's Phil..."
Message to: Danny Boy
Sent: 6:15pm
Received: 6:43pm
Read: 6:43pm
Hey Dan. I'm on my way home.
Shit, my phone was being stupid again and didn't get the message immediately. He's probably almost here. Man, I hope he doesn't think I was ignoring him... Wait, why did I care?
Message to: pheeelip
Sent: 6:45pm
Received: 6:46pm
Read: 6:49pm
hey i thought you were gonna be out all night you've barely been gone an hour
I quickly typed up my response and hit send. Standing up, I moved to the living room to wait for him. Something had to be wrong for him to be coming home this early.
Message to: Danny Boy
Sent: 6:51pm
Received: 6:51pm
Read: 6:52pm
I got bored.
That made no sense to me. How could he possibly get bored at the aquarium? Something felt really off.
Message to: pheeelip
Sent: 6:53pm
Received: 6:55pm
Read:6:55pm
is everything okay Phil?
As I hit send, my phone received another message from Phil, just not in response to the question I had just asked.
Message to: Danny Boy
Sent: 6:54pm
Received: 6:55pm
Read: 6:56pm
I'm just about home.
With a slightly irritated sigh and sat down on the couch and stared at the door, waiting. I wanted to yell at him for being so confusing, but I also wanted to understand. I was a little worried that he was upset with me too. I didn't want Phil to be mad at me, he was my best friend.
I looked down at my lap where my hands were trying to keep themselves occupied when a thought crossed my mind.
What if Phil hates me now? I was such an asshole earlier, and maybe I even came off as homophobic to him. He doesn't have any reason to like me at all right now. What if he's coming home early to tell me he wants to move out? I can't live on my own! I don't know how to live on my own. I know how to live with Phil, not with no one but my own thoughts of death dying and the inexplicable end of the universe that looms over us all... I want Phil to stay here. No, I need him to stay here. It's too comforting with him around to not have him here anymore... He can't leave me alone, I don't want to be alone, I want to be with him... With Phil...
There was a sensation of being lightly shaken and I blinked to clear my vision and focus on what was in front of me. It just so happened to be a very worried looking Phil.
"...Dan? Are you okay?" He asked me softly. "I came in and saw you just sitting there, lost in space and with tears in your eyes."
I touched my face, shocked to feel that there were tears starting to run down my face. "Oh... Sorry." I chuckled halfheartedly. "Existential crisis, y'know?"
Phil's brow furrowed. "Dan, your existential crises always end up with you face first on the floor. You're sitting on the couch right now."
I said nothing because there wasn't anything that I could say. He was right, I sat down and hadn't moved.
"Then there's the fact you're crying." He placed his hand on my cheek to wipe away tears and I felt myself lean into him. My heart did this weird thing where it stopped for a second, and I was very confused. Why was this happening? My heart was beating fast and his soft hand felt warm and comforting on my face.
I looked down and he took my chin in his hand to make me look at him. I met his gaze and found myself staring into his eyes. They were as vibrant as ever. I could see bits of yellow and green flecked amongst the ice blue iris. It was beautiful.
"Dan.." His voice sounded almost defeated. It brought me down to earth and I blinked a few times. "Why are you crying?"
"You... You're not gonna move out, are you?"
"What? Where in the world would you get that notion, Dan?"
"I just thought- well I was being a total asshole earlier... So I figured- I mean I was pretty sure..."
I felt my lower jaw begin to tremble and my eyes well up. I burst into tears and put my face in my hands.
"I don't want you to move out! Please stay here with me, I can't stand being alone..." I sniffles and wiped my face, still crying. "No one else would put up with me and my existential crisis problem and- please don't go, Phil! I need you here with me..."
I was really surprised at what Phil did next. He started to laugh and shook his head. "It's taken you this long to realize it?"
I sniffles a little and cocked my head. "I... I don't understand. Realize what?"
Phil's eyes widened. "You mean, you haven't figured it out yet? I did. That's why I cancelled my date and came right home."
He called it home... Maybe he won't leave me.
"Dan, think about how you acted today. You thought it came off as homophobia because you're 'straight'. Right?"
"Why did you put straight in air quotes?"
"Because you're jealous and scared I'm going to leave you behind. I think you're falling in love, Dan."
I remained silent. It didn't make any sense. I was sure I was straight, wasn't I?
"Dan.. If you're thinking that your straight I'm here to tell you as a gay man that you are at least bi, if not completely gay."
I blinked in shock. Somehow, everything made sense. I had always found guys aesthetically pleasing, same for women. But even still...
"How can you be so sure?"
"You leaned into my hand when I put it on your face and your eyes dilated. Call it an educated guess."
I wiped face to get the mostly dry tears off. Well, he wasn't exactly wrong. I did lean into his hand, didn't I? Yep.
"I could prove it to you if you wanted."
"How?" I asked, furrowing my brow. What was he going to-
In an instant he took my face in both of his hands and crashed our lips together. My eyes widened as he... Kissed me. Within moments I found myself closing my eyes and kissing back. It seemed like an innocent kiss, but even still... My heart felt like it was about to burst out of my chest as our lips fit perfectly together. Why did it feel so... So right?
I leaned into him and grabbed his shirt to pull him closer, slowly becoming addicted to the way we fit. One of his hands left my face to wrap around my torso and pull me closer.
Phil was the first to break the kiss and he did so with a cocky smirk. "I told you."
I just sat there, pressed up against him and holding on to him like he was the only thing that existed. My eyes were wide and my mouth was slightly open. "Phil..."
"Yeah?"
"You're not allowed to kiss any boy besides me." I said sternly, regaining my composure. I sat up and crossed my arms, and tried to look like I had some sort of power who he made out with. But, since I was blushing... It didn't really work.
He chuckled. "Why, Dan! Are you asking me out? But I thought you were straight?"
I narrowed my eyes at his teasing sarcasm. "Yeah, well, I thought I was straight too, asshole. But you just had to kiss me and he we are."
Phil cocked an eyebrow.
"Oh my god you fucking spork- yes! I'm asking you out, you dolt. So?"
There was a devious glint in his clear blue eyes and he leaned forward to kiss me. It was a short kiss, but enough to convey his feelings. "Took you long enough to realize it, Dan."
"Bug off. Just kiss me again, will you?"
And so he did. And that's the story of how I learned I was actually gay. Crazy how that works, huh?
So, in closing, I am forever no longer No-Homo Howell. More like So-Homo Howell. Oops.
This has been an update from your local, apparently very gay, meme lord. What massive, life-changing event will be experienced next time I decide to do my job and write an article? Who knows! Stay tuned for more!
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Hey guys! I'm alive and I saw the picture with this headline so I figured I'd help y'all out by writing it. I hope you enjoyed it!
I also really hoped you enjoyed that punch line at the end, I thought it was great XD